PhoenixPangaryk
02-27-2002, 08:10 AM
The 2001 Darwin Awards
It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out again. You all know
about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did
the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out of it.
And the nominees are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow
wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not
breathing.
Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When
she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn
marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man
- who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a
closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole
between the cushions.
Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death.
Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his ***** between the cushions,
down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper
removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along.
In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life,
the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch
of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as
'bright' by his peers.
And the winner . . .
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally
figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy
military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short
airfields.* He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a
long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his
car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from
the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted
asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have
reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, andsoon to be pilot, most likely would have
experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under
full afterburners, causing him to becomeinsignificant for the remainder of
the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the
brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting
the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet
deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments
of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and
bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of
the steering wheel.
Epilogue:
It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a
ground speed of approximately 420 mph
It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out again. You all know
about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did
the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda
out of it.
And the nominees are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow
wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was
inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not
breathing.
Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When
she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn
marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man
- who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a
closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole
between the cushions.
Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death.
Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his ***** between the cushions,
down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper
removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the
discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along.
In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life,
the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch
of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the
other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the
ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major
trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as
'bright' by his peers.
And the winner . . .
The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The
type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally
figured out what it was and what had happened.
It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted
Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy
military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short
airfields.* He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a
long and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his
car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from
the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted
asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have
reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds
well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional
20-25 seconds. The driver, andsoon to be pilot, most likely would have
experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under
full afterburners, causing him to becomeinsignificant for the remainder of
the event.
However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5
miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the
brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting
the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet
deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments
of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and
bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of
the steering wheel.
Epilogue:
It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a
ground speed of approximately 420 mph