Anyone in the mood for a "kung fu" story?

[Ryu]

I was thinking of maybe submitting this to cyberkwoon, but it needs some work. Regardless, I wanted to get your feedback on it. It's copyrighted character, I've mentioned him before.
Please read and give me your honest opinions. :)

Heavenly Fighter Bowie


Bowie walked mindfully, placing one foot in front of the other as he covered many miles through the extensive lands of Aru. His pace was not one of great speed, but instead reflected a patience, a flowing meditation through movement where every sight and sound presented itself to him in a fashion of great tranquility. Bowie continued walking, carrying his personal belongings behind him, wrapped tightly inside a cloth satchel. Reaching up, he touched his shaven head, feeling the smooth skin of his scalp beneath his finger tips. The sun had gone down, and Bowie had grown weary since his departure from the monk’s temple of Kong. He continued on foot still, the weariness beginning to try and penetrate his defenses. Bowie kept himself mindful and did not falter. Squinting his eyes at the distance ahead, the shaven monk could begin to make out the lights of a small city coming up over the valley. A sigh of relief touched him. Bowie smiled to himself, sensing an end to his journey for at least a day. He picked up his pace just slightly, the cloth satchel bouncing slightly off the large muscles of his back and shoulders. Little by little, the lights of the small city ahead became more and more visible The borders of its walls were coming into view. Large pagodas with flickering lights and pulsing energy pierced the darkening sky above. Soon, the city was before him. Bowie hesitated, examining the large pagodas inside the city gates. The cool air touched the naked skin of his face and scalp. A loud voice suddenly shook him from this thoughts. Looking to up to his right side, Bowie could make out the figure of a guard angrily climbing down from a look-out post just a short distance ahead of him. The monk stared at him with non-threatening eyes.
“Who are you??” the guard spat angrily as he approached, his hand on the handle of a sheathed broad sword. Bowie tried to bow a polite greeting.
“My name is Bowie. I’m new to this area, I didn’t mean to disturb anything.”
“Why’n the hell are you just standing here looking at the gate?” the guard asked suspiciously, “what do you want?”
Bowie scratched his head at the man’s anger, but felt no real threat. “I’ve been traveling for three days. I wanted to find some shelter for the night. Maybe some food. That’s all.” he nodded.
The guard approached closer, never taking his hand from his sword’s hilt. He inspected Bowie from head to toe, almost sniffing him as if some kind of trained dog. Bowie had little on him. Only his satchel bag, and some religious beads that he wore around his muscular neck. Bowie wore a simple black t-shirt and faded trousers. Upon his feet were cotton-soled shoes, worn and dirtied by his travels.
“I guess you’re all right then…” the guard eyed him again. “You may pass, but we don’t like people walking the streets at this time of night. There’s been a problem here with bandits, so get yourself to an inn if you don’t want to draw unwanted attention to yourself.”
“Thank you.” Bowie smiled with a slight bow, and politely moved past the guard without another moment’s notice. The city was dark. All was quiet, just as the guard had said. Making a quick scan of his new surroundings, Bowie looked desperately for the sign of a nearby inn. Hopefully one with a hot meal, he thought. Not a soul walked the street, and only random lights from individual homes illuminated through the blackness. A late night bar was one of the few establishments still open. Wanting to find a good inn, Bowie entered. At once the strong smell of alcohol and smoke pushed harshly into his eyes and nose. Bowie winced at the scent, and made his way to an elderly man, quite burly for his age, who pushed, slapped and polished a clear glass jug with a white rag. As Bowie moved forward, he grew suddenly aware of the many eyes upon him. The monk studied the atmosphere around him then paid it no mind. There was no danger; only curiosity.
“A strange sight seeing a clergy member in here, it is.” the bar tender scoffed placing down the clear glass jug, and scooping up another to polish with gross strokes.
“I’m looking for an inn for the night.” Bowie nodded.
“There’s a good one down the main road a few blocks south of this bar. What kinda price range are you looking at?”
“30 or 40 I suppose.” Bowie answered.
“You won’t find anything too good for that low a price. But you can try the Phoenix inn to the west of the city gates. That one’s more in your price range…but don’t let the name fool you. Nothing too spectacular about it.”
“That’s no problem, thank you.” Bowie bowed, and turned to leave. Six men sat at a nearby table just a few feet from him. Their hair was long, and many of them were bearded as well. One of them, a younger man with a clean shaven face and a long braid that fell to the small of his back, held his hand up in gesture to Bowie. The young monk saw the signal and came forth.
“I overheard you wanting to go to the Phoenix inn,” the leader of the table offered, “it’s a dump. Where are you from? Not from around here, I’m sure…”
“I travel a lot actually…” Bowie replied. “I’m from all over.”
“You’re a monk right? I can tell by your head. A monk that travels? That doesn’t sound right.” The man with the braid looked up at Bowie with an air of suspicion. “You looking for something?”
“My way.” Bowie replied.
“What’s that?” the table leader asked.
“I’m looking just for my way. I’m originally from Kong’s Temple.” As the words left Bowie’s lips there was an air of silence that possessed the table. They exchanged glances at each other, their eyes wide.
“Kong’s Temple??” the leader finally repeated. “That place has quite a reputation!”
Bowie scratched the back of his bald head. “It shouldn’t. It’s just a meditation hall really…” he played it down.
“….and one of the most famous temples for martial arts in these lands!” the leader reminded him. “You say you’re looking for your ‘way’…I thought those at Kong’s temple have found their way.”
“Our way is no way.” Bowie shook his head.
The leader thumbed his chin as he stared hard at the monk. Then with brightening eyes, he spoke quickly. “Listen,” he instructed, “you need a place to stay for the night, right? A place with good food and good quarters. We need someone to help us. If you help us we will gladly give you what you’re looking for.”
Bowie was intrigued. He sat down at the table with the gruff-looking men.
“What kind of help do you need?” Bowie asked them.
“We’re officers from across the mountain range regions. We’ve been on the trail of a dangerous bandit for days on end. We’ve tracked her back to this very city, but need help catching her…”
Bowie frowned. “I’m not going to hurt anyone…”
“No, no, we’re not here to hurt anyone, just protect the innocent people here from her advances.” the leader explained.
Bowie’s ears touched upon a word. “Her?” he repeated the word. “The bandit’s a woman?”
“We think so.” the leader smiled. “Don’t let that fool you, she’s one hell of a fighter…but with a Kong’s temple monk helping us, there’s no way she can escape.”
Bowie stood from the table. “I don’t want to get involved. I don’t even know the details of what’s going on. I can’t help that way.”
“Wait a second!” the leader tried to persuade. “Look, we’ll be honest with you. She’s here tonight. But we won’t really stand a chance without your skills.”
“You don’t even know my skill level,” Bowie shook his head, “you might be overestimating me. Besides, this is the work of police like yourselves not me. I don’t want to capture anyone, especially a woman. I’ll stay at the Phoenix inn. Thank you for the offer, but I decline. Sorry.” Bowie began to walk away from them.
“Hold on!” the leader said. “If we don’t catch her tonight many will suffer here.”
Bowie stopped and looked back at him with concern. “What do you mean?” he asked.
“This bandit is a dangerous person. She’s killed children before. We’ve got to stop her tonight, because if we don’t more violence will be thrown upon this city.”
Bowie was surprised at the words. “This woman’s a murderer?” he asked sadly.
The officers nodded. “Will you help us?” the leader asked. Bowie felt his blood burning hot inside him. He wished he had never heard the story.
“Okay, I’ll help,” Bowie nodded finally, “but on one condition…”
“You name it.” the leader said.
“You have to promise not to hurt her unfairly. Let me take care of most of it.”
“You have my word.” the officer smiled.
The six men stood from their table, and turned to leave. Bowie followed them with his head hung a bit low. He stared at the ground as he walked, thinking to himself.
"A woman who murders? I don’t want to do this, but it seems I have no other choice. My feelings can’t get in the way of protecting other people…"

[Ryu]

Soon the seven of them were outside each feeling the chilled bite of the night’s air upon their skin. Bowie spoke not a word, nor looked at any of his companions.
“Hey, Monk,” the leader addressed, “you’re awfully quiet. What’s bothering you?”
Bowie shook his head. “Nothing.” he said rather vehemently.
The leader turned to his men and shot his hand up into the air, signaling all of them to begin rummaging through dark duffle bags that they carried upon their backs and shoulders. “All right everyone, let’s do this right. Get everything out, ropes, darts, the whole lot.” With a start Bowie was shocked to see them pull out wicked-looking blades, poison needles, and long cords of thick rope. His temper began to rise.
“Hey!” the monk called out. “What are you doing?”
The leader looked up at him with a look of confusion. “We’re getting ourselves ready.” he said dumbfounded.
“What do you need with all that??” Bowie demanded, staring angrily at the cords of rope and poison needles. The leading officer shook his head.
“We’re capturing a bandit.” He stated plainly.
“Well you don’t need any of that stuff. Put it all away. I told you I’ll handle it.” Bowie said trying to quiet his angering and confused heart.
“Are you insane?” the leader insisted. “This woman is dangerous! We can’t afford to let her get away.”
“Do you want my help or not?” Bowie offered the dichotomy.
The leader stared at him with an annoyed face. He then turned to his men. “Put it away.” he gave the order. They obeyed, a bit confused. Bowie turned to the darkness.
“Where will she be coming tonight?” he asked.
“North of here. We’ll take you.” the leader said. Bowie walked north into the shadows not wanting to be with the officers longer than necessary. As he was a safe distance ahead, one of the officers moved close to the leader’s ear.
“I don’t trust this guy.” he said to him.
The leader turned slightly to face the officer. “Don’t worry about it. He doesn’t suspect anything. This is a blessing from heaven. With a Kong’s temple monk on our side, kidnapping Ho-Wai’s daughter will be effortless…” he laughed darkly.
“There’s something different with this monk,” the other said, “just make sure he doesn’t interfere once we get her.”
“The plan is perfect. He’s too stupid to know what’s going on.” The leader moved forward, looking up into the night’s sky.
“Yu-Ling, you’re mine this time…” He walked ahead, following after Bowie in the darkness.

A dark shadow darted from a rooftop to the branch of a sturdy tree erected in the center of the city. It was a quick movement, and one of much grace and power. A masked figure darted downward, alighting upon the roof of someone’s home like a bird. She looked ahead into the blackness, her face concealed behind thin black cloth. Her hair was tied behind her; kept out of her face in the night’s wind. The figure scanned her surroundings with sharp, elegant eyes. Then with a swift move she darted off again, leaping to another rooftop. Here she waited.
“I know you’re here tonight,” the figure breathed to herself, “I know you’ll make a move. I won’t let you hurt my father or this city. I’m here tonight. Come get me. Come get the Night Sparrow.” The masked girl closed her eyes letting the wind touch her and slightly take up the mask covering her nose and mouth. It revealed the porcelain-like skin of her face for a brief second in time. Then, she opened her eyes and darted away to another rooftop. She was soon gone into blackness.
Bowie moved ahead with steady eyes not wanting to think too much about the officers. They followed a distance behind him, scanning their area, and listening to the quiet peace of the night. When they had come to an open area between the pagoda-like structures of the city, they stopped.
“Well?” The leader said to Bowie as he stared up into the darkened sky.
“Someone’s close.” Bowie said a bit aloof.
“You can sense that??” The leader asked. He turned to his men and then back to the monk. “Okay, let’s get this underway.” he finished.
Bowie was not talking. Instead, he moved away to a small corner of the open space still looking up into the night’s sky.
“What’re you doing?” the leader inquired of him. Before the words could be finished, a silver dirk imbedded itself in the pavement just inches from Bowie’s feet. The monk instinctively dodged back, taking care not to lose his concentration. A ruckus arose from the group of men, and as they all drew their attention to the skies above, a figure, hidden in shadows, appeared to them. It stood boldly on top a high roof; the moonlight reflecting beams of light off the figure’s ebony hair.
“I see the dogs have come out earlier than usual tonight!” the figure yelled down at them.
“It’s her!” the leader of the group spat through clenched teeth. “Grab her!”
“NO!” Bowie halted their advances with an outstretched arm. “I will handle the situation. Follow close, but do not interfere.” With that, the shaven-headed monk leapt up with his powerful legs, gaining much momentum as he ran himself vertically up the wall for several steps. He grabbed hold of a low hanging rooftop, and pulled himself upward. The men below watched on in awe at his feat.
“Dear God…” one of them faltered. “Did you see that?”

[Ryu]

The feat had startled the Night Sparrow as well, and for a moment she fought with herself on whether to challenge this new opponent or flee. She made her decision quickly, and turned to dart away from Bowie. The monk left the officers behind and gave chase across the tops of the city roofs. Catching up, he was suddenly left behind with a small burst of speed from the mysterious girl. They repeated this sequence several times until Bowie finally called out to her.
“Hey! Stop running! I want to know who you are!”
The girl kept her pace high, but turned to catch a glimpse of him through her mask. The words were strange to her and she seemed to grow curious as to the identity of her pursuer as well. She turned to face him, but kept herself far from his position.
“Who wants to know??” she demanded.
“My name is Bowie. I’m from Kong’s temple.”
The pretty eyes of the masked girl grew large. “What?? You lie! No one from Kong’s temple would serve bandits! How dare you!”
Her statement was enough to destroy the pursuit all together. Bowie shook his head in confusion. “What?! What are you talking about?”
“The men you are with are bandits to this city. They have robbed and terrorized the people who live here, and have plotted for months to kill the ruler of this city. Ho-Wai Zhao. I won’t let that happen. I’m here to stop them.”
“They told me that YOU are the bandit.” Bowie said doubting her. They are police from the mountain regions.”
“It’s a lie. They are not who you think they are. But I suppose there’s no way to get you to believe me…” she suddenly dropped down into a fighting stance, the wind blowing her black mask gently from side to side. “…so, I guess the only way is this…”
Bowie did not move into any defensive posture as she moved closer. “Who are you?” he asked her.
“I am the Night Sparrow,” she replied, “I protect this city, and the benevolent ruler who created it. Now move away from me, or prepare to fight. I warn you…you’ll be in over your head.”
“I don’t want to fight you.” Bowie shook his head. “I just want some answers.”
“There’s no time for answers, Monk. I’m sorry for this…” the Night Sparrow lunged out at him with a kick aimed directly for his knee. Bowie simply lifted his leg, rendering her kick useless, and dropped back into a stance of his own. He held his fists closed in front of his cheeks, just below his eyes, and held perfectly still.
“Don’t make me fight you!” Bowie warned her. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re the one who should worry about being hurt!” the Night Sparrow attacked him again throwing fast punches to his face and body. Bowie evaded them and parried a few from his face. He kicked out at her lightly to get distance. She shuffled backwards, her breath becoming tighter and more frustrated.
“Stop it you can’t win.” Bowie tried to calm her. His mercy left him open. A kick thundered into his midsection knocking him to the ground. Spinning away from a stomping kick from the mysterious girl, Bowie got back to his feet, blocked another furious attack, and caught a fist to the side of his face. He pulled back. Night Sparrow stood with furious eyes.
“I’m not playing around.” she warned him.
“Whoever these men are, they’re coming for you!” Bowie shouted angrily. “If you don’t tell me what is going on, I can’t help you!”
“I don’t need your help!” Night Sparrow spat. “Now leave this city, and let me deal with these bandits alone!”
“Forget it! How can I be sure you’re telling the truth? You very well could be who they say you are!”
“I don’t have time for this!” she shouted. She let loose a circular kick that picked up incredible speed towards his face. Bowie ducked underneath it and tackled her supporting leg. Night Sparrow fell hard to the ground, but Bowie did not follow up. Instead he stood back to his feet.
“Enough.” he told her. She flipped to her feet, and charged at him again. This time, Bowie faked a strike towards her, shot in again, and moved behind her while still on his feet. He circled his arms around her body pinning her arms to her sides.
“Knock this off! I’m not here to hurt you!” he said annoyed.
“This doesn’t concern you!” she stammered. “What do you care?”
Bowie let her go; apologetically. He moved away from her a few feet to show her he meant no harm. She kept her fighting posture up, but little by little dropped it as she realized he was telling the truth about his intentions.
“The men here are bandits from the mountain regions, not officers,” she said, “they move from one place to another, taking over villages, pillaging them, killing people. The ruler of this city cannot be easily defeated, so they have been pushed back by his guards. But they’re a dangerous enemy…that’s why I’m here. I won’t let them hurt my….I mean, the ruler Ho-Wai Zhao.”
Bowie caught her slip up, and stared into her delicate eyes. “What were you going to say?”
“When?” she asked.
“Just now…you held your tongue when you spoke of Ho-Wai.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Yes you did,” Bowie crossed his arms, “who are you really?”
“It’s none of your concern…”
“You’re his daughter aren’t you?” Bowie made the guess.
“I didn’t say that!” she held her hand out defensively.

[Ryu]

A sudden thud startled the two of them. Looking over to their left, Bowie and Night Sparrow stared into the gaze of the ’officers’ in question. They had caught up, and each was panting quietly. The leader moved forward.
“You found her!” he exclaimed. “Good work! Keep her there!”
“Did you think you could keep up such a stupid lie, Mannon?” Night Sparrow spit to him. “Officers from the mountain region…you’re all such cowards. I’ve told him everything.”
“The hell are you talking about?!” Mannon snapped back. He turned wide eyed to Bowie. “Monk, what has this filthy woman been telling you??”
“I…” Bowie began.
“It won’t work, Mannon! I won’t let you hurt my father! Your time is over with do you understand me?” Night Sparrow clenched her fists.
Mannon turned to his crew. “Take her.” he said, then added to Bowie, “Thanks for your help.”
With a sudden burst, Mannon’s men came towards her, ropes and poison darts in hand. Night Sparrow placed her hands in a fighting posture unwilling to cooperate.
“Wait!” Bowie called out. He stepped in front of her, blocking Night Sparrow from her captors.
“Get out of the way, Monk!” Mannon snarled. “Don’t let this woman pollute your mind! She’s lying to you. We’re the ones who are trying to save this city.”
“Then we prove it,” Bowie said to all of them. “All of us will go to the palace of Ho-Wai. Whoever is lying will be found out there.” Night Sparrow looked cautiously at him. Her eyes suddenly became fearful.
“So be it.” Mannon smiled confidently. “That’s a good plan.”
“No!” Night Sparrow cried out. “No, you can’t do that!” Bowie was taken aback by her sudden apprehension.
“What’s wrong, bandit?” Mannon shouted out to her. “Afraid the truth will be told?”
“You *******!” she hissed at him. Bowie turned to her. His face was demanding of an explanation.
“Are you lying to me?” he said.
“No…” she faltered.
“Then why not go to the palace? If what you said is true, you have nothing to worry about.” Bowie explained.
“It’s settled then.” Mannon nodded. “We go to the palace. All of us.”
“I won’t go!” Night Sparrow said defiantly as she backed away to the edge of the rooftop. Bowie moved to the edge as well looking sternly at her.
“So then you ARE lying?” he said feeling used.
“I…” the masked girl stuttered. Bowie stood on the very edge of the rooftop. Suddenly a small explosive was hurled at his feet; its shell casing smoking and ready to detonate. Bowie tried to jump back, but the explosion was powerful enough to break and loosen the shingles and roof edge under him. He fell, disappearing into the black shadows below.
“Bowie!!!” Night Sparrow screamed as she clutched onto the edge, looking over into the darkness below. Mannon bellowed his laughter.
“You’re not getting off that easy, Yu-Ling Zhao! ‘Daddy’ would be aghast if he found out your little secret identity, but he’d be even more terrified to see you in our hands! If we can’t take this city by force, we take it with intelligence! Your father will gladly accept defeat if we have you as collateral!”
“**** you!” Yu-Ling spat out. “I’ll kill you for what you’ve done! If you think the six of you have what it takes to capture me, then come here and try!”
The bandits attacked her with blades, poisons, and rope. Night Sparrow dodged out of the way, smashing one in the side of the head with her shin. He fell hard, and did not get back up. Mannon slashed at her repeatedly. He shot off a kick, while two others tried to lasso her wrists with their cords. The ruler’s daughter caught the thrown rope with her hand, and violently jerked her attacker off his feet. She leapt upwards, escaping them momentarily, and darted away to another rooftop with her captors in hot pursuit. Abruptly, the fight started again. This time Night Sparrow spun on the ground with her leg extended, throwing an attacker’s legs high into the air. He crashed down on his back and head as she attacked Mannon a second time. The leader of the bandits caught a fist in the mouth, but as he pulled back in pain, he scratched her shoulder with the tip of a poisonous needle. The pain was immediate. Night Sparrow gripped her throbbing shoulder and turned to flee once again to another rooftop. Mannon was overjoyed.
“We’ve got her! After her, hurry! Get up you idiots!” he yelled his orders to his hurt platoon. They gave chase, but to their surprise they could hear the thundering patter of Bowie’s strong legs underneath them in the streets below. He looked up at them with angered eyes, and continued on below, catching up to the ruler’s daughter. Mannon stopped briefly in shock and anger.
“He’s still alive? **** it!” he cursed. He pointed to his men. “You three take care of the monk. You two follow me.”
“Right!” they nodded. The group of six split into two pairs, and three of the bearded bandits slid down the house walls on strong legs. Citizens were now opening their windows to catch sight of the strange commotion engulfing their city. Bowie now pressed on harder with his shirt in tattered rags. He was hurt, but not badly. Finally, keeping watch on the chase above, he came to a dead end. Frustrated he pounded the stone wall with his fist. The only way to get to Night Sparrow now was up.
“You’ve meddled in this for way too long, monk!” a deep voice growled from behind him. Bowie shot around to see that he was surrounded by three of Mannon’s bandits. He met them with eyes that were possessed with a controlled rage.
“I’ll give you one chance to leave now. Get out.” Bowie said with a lowered voice.
“Ha!” one of them scoffed, “you need to make preparations for nirvana. You’re life ends tonight.”
Bowie suddenly threw a handful of sand into the eyes of the approaching bandit, blinding and tearing the delicate membranes inside. The bandit screamed in pain and confusion, as Bowie delivered a lunging head butt into his face, shattering his facial bones and cartilage. Knocked out instantly, he crumbled to the ground. The other two wasted no time in attacking. From a hidden pocket in his trousers, Bowie pulled a shimmering knife into the moonlight. He whipped past them, splitting in between the two men. Leaving each with a warning cut across their abdomens. Bowie turned to them with knife in hand. He pulled off the remains of his tattered shirt, revealing his muscular frame.
“I don’t fight multiple opponents with just my hands alone…” he warned them. “Get out now or I’ll kill you.”
They moved around him cautiously picking their time and target to attack. Bowie watched them without so much as a blink. He followed their movements slowly. Then, without warning, they attacked him together. Bowie darted backwards, and slashed out at their hands cutting one of them badly. The bandit gripped his opened wrist, fell, and let out a cry of pain and fear. Bowie silenced him with a strong kick. The last bandit was beside himself.
“What the hell kind of fighting do you do?? You’re more a barbarian then we are!” he shouted out.
“An innocent person is in danger…I’m sorry, but I cannot afford to even take a chance at losing this fight. Move now, or be moved.” Bowie said intimidating. The bandit was afraid, and moved slowly away from him. Then ran from the city’s center. Bowie let him go.

[Ryu]

High above on the city’s rooftops, Mannon and the last two bandits drew closer to a weakening Night Sparrow. The poison was now fast through her system, and she felt short of breath, and numb all over. Her strength to stand was dwindling. But still she fought on.
“Give up, Yu-Ling,” Mannon panted, nursing a bruise on his face, “you’re father’s city is ours. There’s nothing you can do to stop us.”
“Go to hell…” she coughed, her eye sight beginning to blur. She attacked them, kicking out with a powerful blow. The others moved around her again, ropes and darts still in hand. “Coward…are you this afraid of me?” she said. Mannon stuck her once again with the tip of his needle. She pulled back once again and tried to counter, but the poison was too much for her system. She fell to one knee, tried to stand, and fell again. Mannon gave the order quick.
“Tie her up.” he nodded to them. They fell upon her, grabbing up her arms. Before they could do anything, a ferocious blur powered the two assailants off of her. One of the kidnappers felt his head rebound off the hard rooftop again and again as the Kong Temple monk mounted him and fired punch after punch to his pinned opponent’s face. The second kidnapper, now regaining his feet, made a dash for the grappling monk. Bowie looked up at him instantly as he came, leapt up from his mounted position and assumed his fighting stance. The bandit fired a punch that missed Bowie, just as he ducked low and clinched up with the attacker in a similar fashion he had done to Night Sparrow. Only this time Bowie arched backwards and slammed the bandit down onto his neck and shoulders. Regaining his footing, Bowie kicked the still moving bandit in the jaw as he laid on the ground knocking him completely out. Bowie then turned to Mannon. Night Sparrow crawled towards the monk trying to regain her footing. She stood weakly, balancing herself by clutching onto his muscular shoulder.
“Be careful of him…” she said weakly. “He‘s better than the others…” Yu-Ling once again fell to her knees with Bowie kneeling down with her as well. His face was calm.
“Rest for now.” he said to her, then stood back up, and stared hard at the leader of the bandits. Mannon said not a word and only smiled to himself. He gripped the long braid of hair behind him. Attached to its end was a bladed dirk. The fight began without formality. Mannon whipped his long braid in wide arcs cutting Bowie’s bare chest. The monk threw a low side kick at the bandits knee but was forced to back up due to the long distance of the bladed braid. The two circled each other.
“This ends here, monk.” Mannon said darkly. With another ferocious lunge of his braid he cut a small laceration under Bowie’s right eye, missing it by just centimeters. Bowie retreated trying to find a way to enter the deadly arcs of his hair braid. He dodged out of the way of another whipping strike putting his hand into a concealed pocket of his trousers. Mannon whipped his braid once again towards the monk. Bowie pulled his knife once again, and whipped it in a similar arc to Mannon’s attack. The blade struck the hair braid, severing it instantly, and throwing the deadly dirk at the end harmlessly over the rooftop. The move was such a surprise that for an instant Mannon froze in place; a mistake that proved fatal. Bowie entered quickly with a jab into his face and followed by throwing him downward with a body lock slam. The monk followed him down, mounting him, and head butting his face. The jarring blows shot Mannon’s arm straight up. When Bowie received it he spun around the outstretched arm, grasping it between his legs and arms, and fell back into a strong armbar. Throwing his hips up quickly he shattered the arm in two…ending the confrontation. Bowie rolled backwards to his feet and stood up quickly to see if anyone else was coming his way. Then, quickly, he picked Yu-Ling into his arms, and ran with her to the safety of Ho-Wai’s palace.

Epilogue
Bowie entered Yu-Ling’s room. She sat by herself on her decorated bed, reading a small book. When she saw him she placed the book down on her bed stool and smiled.
“Father’s going to give you a hero’s ceremony tonight I think.” she said.
“I’m not a hero,” Bowie shook his head, “I just got trapped in a bad situation. How did he take to the ‘Night Sparrow’ persona?”
“He blew his top. I didn’t want him to find out…but I had to do something. I couldn’t let them win. I love him too much.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.” Bowie hung his head low.
“It’s okay,” Yu-Ling assured, “I did lie to you a little bit. I am a bandit.”
Bowie’s eyes shot up. “What??” he stammered. Yu-Ling laughed out loud.
“The Night Sparrow thing hasn’t been a new invention for me…there’s a lot of bad things happening in these lands. But don’t worry, I’m a bandit who hunts those who harm others.”
“Those days are over, I’m assuming?”
“You never know.” Yu-Ling smiled. She then grew more serious. “You’re not staying are you? Not even for the ceremony?”
“You know I can’t,” Bowie said, “I have to keep going. I haven’t found what I’m looking for yet. Please apologize to your father.”
“He’ll understand.” she smiled. Bowie turned to leave her room. “Bowie?” she called to him. He turned. “Will we see you again?”
“I’m not sure…maybe.” he smiled to her. Yu-Ling got to her feet, her decorative gown flowing to her feet. She nodded to him with a smile, and checked to see if anyone was watching outside.
“Come on then,” she said with a grin, “I’ll walk with you to the gates…”

Copyright: 2002 ©

[Badger]

Thats alot of reading for this late in the afternoon...

What about some pictures & dialogue balloons???



Badger

[Ryu]

Yeah, I'm sorry for that.
Well no rush to anyone. Just whenever you guys have free time.

Ryu

[Badger]

as long as theres no Pop-Quiz in the morning.


Badger

[Cody]

Read the whole thing all at once, and I liked it!

Cody

[CanadianBadAss]

Some parts are kind of lame... so... This temple is actually "temple kung fu" in america? or is bowie a chinese name?

and "Why’n the hell....." is'nt that like southren red neck american type slang? Atleast give them bad chinese people accents.

There's more, but im having dinner now. Wasn't too bad.

[Budokan]

FWIW, from a professional writer:

It starts off too slow and that huge first paragraph is much too intimidating for the casual internet reader to tackle. Dialogue isn't too bad, but some of the exposition has too much "author intrusion" and is kind of creaky. You need to run a spell check and grammatical check (I found lots) before you submit this to cyberkwoon or any other place, I would think. (Remember, you want to do everything you can to NOT give an editor a reason to pass on your story. :) )

I also agree that you need to give this tale a temporal setting we can immediately understand. If it's modern day (It seems it is) then you can get away with the slang, otherwise it's too anachronistic.

Finally, copyrighting your work is a sign of the rankest amateur. In America, anything that is written, even a love letter, is immediately copyrighted so doing it yourself is unnecessary. Also, I think cyberkwoon buys First North American Rights for the time it's posted on their website. Telling them it's already copyrighted might makes most editors shy away from buying the tale in the first place. But, that would be easy to check with Fabien; he might not care.

All in all, a good effort. Best of luck with it!

[Budokan]

Ryu,
Have you ever heard of critters.com? They're an online organization devoted to critiques and support for writers looking for their break. I've never used them myself, but I've heard lots of good things from other people trying to hone their skills.

Just a thought.

[yenhoi]

CBA:

I dont see the land of Aru on the maps in america or in asia.

Ryu:

Good read. I wish Bowie would kill people by snapping thier necks and such.

[Ryu]

Thanks to everyone who has given me their opinions and critiques.

Budokan, a big thank you to you as well. I was hoping to get your honest critique of it, and you did so in a very professional manner. I'm really appreciative of it. :)
Yeah, the story is in its infancy right now, and grammar has always been my worst part of writing... I have to fix that.
I will take your advice on the first paragraph too since the story is over 5000 words. That would be a good thing to trim.

Again thanks guys.

Ryu

[Ryu]

BTW,
I think I have heard of critters.com, but haven't submitted anything as of late. I may just do that though because I do need to touch up on my work. Thanks for the thought, Budo.

Ryu