Weird Doe

[KC Elbows]

OK, welcome to my stupid thread.

First off, this thread is entirely devoted to the development of an utterly useless style to act as the core for a McDojo to end all McDojos. Remember, with this thread, we will cover all the basics necessary for mcdojo development, and even improve on the model.

OK, first off, we need a core style to make utterly irrelevant by calling it something else and adding in poorly understood moves from books. Now, Kenpo has been done to death in the McDojo scene, so we'll have to start with a different base in order to advance the science of mcdojofication.

Let's go with Hwarang Do.

OK, now we need a style that we're gonna call our watered down Hwarang Do, in an attempt to make it seem more exotic. Then we need to add the word "Do" to it, and we're off to a good start.

Kalari Do.

There, we have a school run by a hwarang Do practitioner of questionable merit teaching it as an entirely different art. Now we need to come up with a title for this founder of watered down hwarang do.

The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar.

So, we have the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do, Great Founder of the Most Ancient Art of...Burma, Grandmother of the Martial Arts.

OK, now we need to take a point of eastern philosophy, but we need to kind of twist it out of context, as I'm pretty sure the original context of most eastern philosophy is not "bilk the weenies out of their dollars".

Let's go with impermanence. How do we twist impermanence? Easy, the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do is here to teach the people of the west the ancient Burmese warrior tradition, and to understand how to kick and punch with Burmese zest, the practitioner must first come to understand that nothing will be forever, including the instructors they learn under or the schools they learn in, if it should turn out that, for reasons of enlightenment, The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do needs a trip to the red light distict of Singapore, which in Kalari Do language is called "trip to the mountains to learn the secrets of life and martial virtue", and has to liquidate the schools right out from under the instructors working in it to pay for this trip, then the students should be alright with this, if they are true burmese kalari doists.

Next step. How many forms is too many, you ask?

You've never done this before, have you?

Forms are like lays, sure you've only got a few, but do you tell your friends that? Of course not. Kalari Do has over a thousand forms, but the last nine hundred and some odd forms you can't even look at, or the raw internal energy of them would claw your eyes up like monkeys hungry for brain.

Remember, in this traditional Burmese mcdojo run by a hwarang do practitioner from Crested Butte, the instructor's training is important, so here's a little primer:

DO'S AND DON'TS OF KALARI DO AS TAUGHT BY THE ESTEEMED GENTLEMAN SCHOLAR:

When asked, "What weapons do you teach?", answer "All of them".

Whenever saying "Kung Fu is just silly arm waving" DO NOT wave your arms, this will only make you look bad and will prevent you from ever learning higher form without your eyes being torn up as though by monkeys hungry for brain.

The key to authority is: PATCHES! He with the most patches wins, except for the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do, who looks eerily like a redneck version of Mao Tse Tung, peasant clothing and all.

Sparring is only for those who do not know they can beat everyone up, and if anyone asks about the sparring program, laugh at them and explain that sparring will prevent the true warrior from reaching higher form without their eyes being torn up as though by monkeys et al.

The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar DOES NOT accept checks, thank you, as checks are merely the weak side of western character. CASH ONLY PLEASE.

OK, what books would be good for the prospective mcdojoist to steal from and misunderstand in order to perfect the process?

[Chang Style Novice]

"what books would be good for the prospective mcdojoist to steal from and misunderstand in order to perfect the process?"

I recommend Absalom! Absalom! and Finnegan's Wake, since almost no-one has read either of them or is likely too, but they're very famous. They also have the advantage of not being martial arts books, so the secret techniques have to be hidden in them like Kabbalaistic secrets (using the martial techniques hidden in Kabbala can come later) so you get to just steal whatever you want from whereever you want and then attribute it to Joyce or Faulkner. You can refer to these techniques as 'dream fighting' or 'reconstruction fist' to lend them an air of legitimacy wrt their alleged 'origin.'

[KC Elbows]

Yes, reconstruction fist, no style can deal with such higher forms of Kalari Do!

The kaballah, I forgot to include that one. I would imagine the the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do is one of the wisest men of all time, able to unlock the martial secrets in all of the great works throughout history, from Cicero to Capote(the source of "In Cold Blood Fist", usually used against multiple opponents in an indoor environment).

[Royal Dragon]

OK, what books would be good for the prospective mcdojoist to steal from and misunderstand in order to perfect the process?


Reply]
I'd start with expensive ones. That way the chances of your students actually buying it would be diminished.

Next, try to buy hard to find books on rare styles, so it's hard for your students to find them and make the connection.

You might alos go for video's on Kung Fu that are exclusively all in Chinese, Korean or Japanese. Again to discourage your students from finding them and discovering your "Secret".


As far as "Patches" go, you have a good idea, but don't foget the stripes on darker uniforms out weight patches by a long shot.

Also, students get white uniforms, and instructors get black uniforms. The The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar (and celestial Grand Master) gets white silk robes similar to the oragne Monk robes the Shaolin Monks wear.

It wouldn't hurt to be a "Mail order minister" either.

You should have plenty of barbaques and special events with asian looking cerimonies too.

I also think that you should spend your time getting good a Chi Gong tricks, like making your arm swell up or breaking bricks with your temple or someting like that.

Periodically take a trip to Hawaii or the Carribean to research special herbs for training. Take a collection up amongst your students to finance the trip.

Do allot of weight lifting so you are physically bigger and stronger than everyone else, but at the same time totally denounce weight lifting to keep your studnets smaller and weaker than you. Make sure you act like you got your size and strength from doing Kata's (Call the "advanced" ones Forms and the lower level ones Katas) and special seated breathing execises. Remember, true power lies in stillness (and doing as little a possible)

And don't forget to make fun of anyone who is involved in "Modern" exercise, body building or sports performance.
You should act like all that is superficial when compared to the total body development found in your secret art of the Burma mountian hermits.

That brings me to another point, make up an unprovable but fantastic lineage. Your teachers teacher learned from Gorillas and mystical hermit Monks on top of some mountain range that does not even exist in reality, but sounds like it would. Make sure it is an unbroken lineage at least 1500 years old, but preferably over 2500 years old. It's better to have an art that predates Christ if at all possible.

Have stories of famous people from your "art's" history and thier exploites that you can tell your students, and tell them they are documented in the sacred scrolls (that no one can see because they are too precious to be taken out of the vault)


Don't forget to complicate everythng as much as you can, that always helps.

Well, that's just of the top of my head, I'm sure if we study a few of the existing super Mc dojos we can come up with more.

[Chang Style Novice]

"Make sure it is an unbroken lineage at least 1500 years old, but preferably over 2500 years old. It's better to have an art that predates Christ if at all possible. "

Excellent stuff, RD! There is a secret form in Burmese Kalari Do that is based on the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, passed down from the architects and artisans of the ancient Mediterranean! How did the art get to Burma? Shut up and give me 777 pushups, Neophyte!

Anyway, the form consists of the Great Pyramid of Giza opening stance, Colossus of Rhodes stepping, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon throw, the Olympian Zeus thunderbolt palm strike, the Temple of Artemis sweeping kick, the Mausoleum at Halicarnassas death touch, and the Lighthouse of Alexandria eternal burning jointlock techniques, in addition to lower level techniques tought in previous forms.

[kungfu cowboy]

Shut up and give me 777 pushups, Neophyte!

LOL! Da mn Enochians!:D

[KC Elbows]

Careful, Chang style Novice, many of the forum members are already experiencing a ripping sensation in their eyes as of monkeys ripping at them, hungry for brain.

RD,
Those weren't ordinary gorillas who taught the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do, those were the hitherto unknown Burmese Pugilist Apes, who no man, save the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do, can hope to survive against. In fact, the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do learned their lessons so well, and improved them, that the Burmese Pugilist Apes have worshipped him ever since.

And yes, the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do has broken many things with his temple, most amazing of all being thirteen cinderblocks which were balanced on top of a grape. He was able to break all thirteen with a powerful internal temple strike, and the grape was undamaged. Afterwards, he ate the grape, but spit out the skin, which is how all practitioners of Kalari Do eat grapes in honor of the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar.

However, the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar eschews all silk and such trappings, and instead always wears the peasant garb and clothing of Mao Tse Tung, who he looks just like, only caucasian. And he is a mail order minister.

In addition, all martial arts comes from Kalari Do, which goes without saying, and anyone who lifts weights is a fool, after all, the Esteemed Gentle Scholar is ripped, and he would never stoop so low as to use weights, so anyone who does is to be laughed at and called "crazy poopy head" by true practitioners of kalari do, unless they are making their excessive monthly payments to Kalari Do, Inc, in which case the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar will try to get them to open a school and send all profits to him in order to feed the Burmese Pugilist Apes, who have fallen on hard times without his guidance.

One day, he plans on bringing the Burmese Pugilist Apes to America to be his instructors, but until then, gullible 19 year old males with self esteem issues should do nicely.

[Braden]

You should see my 'moo cow fist' technique from the Finnegan's Wake training book. Dayamn.

[Braden]

And do you mean Kabbalah Maasit or Kabbalah Iyunnit?

Gematriac or Zoharic Kabbalah!?

Seven Yesod Palms will kick your ass.

[KC Elbows]

There is even a form based off of the Burmese improvements upon the mayan calendar, brought to Burma by Marco Polo and Da Mo on their way to a Lemurian fighting temple.

In addition, the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar, known to his friends and family as D1ck Schwanz, once demonstrated his amazing skill by balancing a small child on an apple, and, with a razor sharp sword, sliced the child into six pieces before his mother could even scream "Oh God No!", yet the apple was completely unharmed!

He truly is the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Kalari Do.

[Braden]

The title of this thread reminds me of 'Strange Brew' for some reason. 'Wierd Doe' ... 'Strange Brew' ... it makes sense.

Ya hoser.

[KC Elbows]

Braden,
The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar is a master of all disciplines and philosophies. That you even have to ask shows that you clearly could not see higher form without the monkey thing happening, according to the song of Kalari Do, which go:

Kalari Do!
Kalari Do!
Don't look, the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar is doing higher form!
Oh monkeys, stop tearing my eyes!
My brains are not for you!
Kalari Do!
Kalari Do!

Of course, it's a beautiful song in its original Burmese, those little buggers sing quite a tune.

[ewallace]

This thread IS stupid.

[Braden]

Like, take off, ya hoser.

[Chang Style Novice]

Those monkeys were trained at my own Burmese Kalari Do school, the Mojo Jojo Dojo, so you better not mess with them!

[KC Elbows]

EWallace would not last a day at a real school of Burmese Kalari Do.

[Royal Dragon]

For the Mojo Jojo Dojo training?

[Chang Style Novice]

The Evil Cartoon Genius Monkey set is a critical element of our 7 Evil Cartoon Genius Animals training system, which also includes Coyote and um....five others.

[MonkeySlap Too]

You stole the evil cartoon genius monkey form from my style of Schachtfestbierbrawl - the original German inebriate fist!

You are not true and pure! O00!

[Royal Dragon]

Yup that's where it's at:eek:

[ewallace]

EWallace would not last a day at a real school of Burmese Kalari Do
ewallace show up would not in first place. ewallace no martial have rich paying dad.

[KC Elbows]

:D

[Mannek]

*sits atop a starkly lit podium in the middle of his dark chambers*

The story til this point is just cover for the Dark Lord of The Sith -- Me.

It was I who allowed the information about the burmese Kalari Do to escape.

It was I who engineered the story of the pugilist Apes.

Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design *wicked grin*

You may call me "His Holiness" , or "Dalai Sen Shou Stink Yu"

That is all.

[rogue]

The word Hwarangdo is copyrighted or trade marked and I'm going to tell Henry Lee about this thread and he'll kick your hiney!:mad:

[SifuAbel]

You forgot to add that the instructor of said style is about 300 lbs, 5' 2" , from Arkansas, has a 6 pac of bud in a mini fridge in the back, a mullet he's been growing since high school, a 52" waist, uses the cheapest karete Gi he could find, has founded his own sub system of his style and given it his last name, his last name is Bender, Bender Do, learned styles from around the world yet he himself has never been out of little rock, when he expalins what he does he mentions its a form of kaw-rotty or kratee, thinks elvis was a great kaw-rotty man, uses smothering as his favorite technique, tells a 120 pound woman that a 250 pound man is no match for her after 3 months of training at his school(sounds like BJJ, j/k.), charges $20 per class, has about 27 belt levels, has a test every 2 weeks, thinks 12 minutes is a long workout, stops to have a cigarette midway in class and calls it a "breather".

[BrentCarey]

I want you all to know that I sincerely do not appreciate this thread. I have studied Kalari Do for 7 years already in this lifetime. I have also paid for and received all 12 White Dragon Regression Therapy Meditation seminars and now know that this is the third lifetime I have studied Kalari Do.

The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar has explained to me that I was a Kalari Do master in the feudal Japan who went bad and betrayed my temple by attempting to reveal the art to outsiders.

Now, as cosmic penitence, I must relearn all of the knowledge I have lost in the rebirth process. I am only 5 years into my 21 year contract, but have already learned the meditative kata that will train my mind to defend against the brain-eating monkeys.

Well, I could only afford the first 3 motions of the form, but The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar says that once I purchase the other 252 I would get a free t-shirt that says, "My master has been to Nirvana and all I got was this stupid t-shirt."

Also, with my own eyes I have seen the photos of my master on one of his trips to the mountains to learn the secrets of life and martial virtue. Of course, he was not actually in the photos because he does not believe in modern photography and moves too fast for most film to capture his image anyway.

You make fun of Kalari Do because you don't understand it. I know what I've seen and what the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar has personally told me. Kalari Do is the most ancient martial art and all the rest of you are just studying techniques that the ancient Kalari Do masters used to teach to outsiders to prevent them from knowing the true art.

Kalari Do is the one true art. The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar is the one true master. Does your instructor own 5 Porsches? I don't think so. He has so many cars because he is so good and he hates money so much.

As he explains to us students, money is a material distraction that prevents us from knowing the true nature of the universe. Only by spending it on Kalari Do training can we advance this understanding. I see how much money he has spent, so I know this is true.

So, laugh if you want, but I know the truth. Kalari Do is the one true martial art and the rest of you are in denial. You will know the truth too if you look inside yourself. Perhaps you all should take the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar's White Dragon Regression Therapy Meditation seminars. Then you would understand.


Live long and prosper,

Brent Carey
Most Humble Apprentice to His Excellence The Esteemed Gentleman Scholar

[Stryder]

When is this style coming to my city? Or is not a style at all because a style is incomplete but a truly complete system. I gotta know how to join!

[KC Elbows]

Stryder,
There are literally hundreds of schools opening up all the time, so just write to your congressperson and tell them how Kalari Do can bring big dollars and make better citizens. There's even talk of opening a school in Burma!

Brent,
Yes, the days of Burmese Kalari Do in feudal Japan were dark days indeed. In fact, some advanced form was leaked to the the uninitiate, and thus, to this day, you will see many cases of monkeys hungry for brain in japanese ads. The culture is still healing, and someday, when they are ready, the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar wil, in his bountiful benefiscience, return to Japan to teach them the rest of the mighty art of Kalari Do.

Have you been through the Nine Leopard Catharsis training yet? I must confirm that you are a true practitioner of the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar of Burmese Kalari Do, for there are many who would get their hands on the forms we know. That is why we never speak of technique-we have far too much to lose, and if the uninitiate were to learn the movements incorrectly, the damage they would suffer could never be healed, save by the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar.

At which point in the Nine Leopard Catharsis Form does the practitioner break down and perform the great holy burmese jag?

[Stryder]

I forgot to add that I'm standing here with a fist full of dollars itching to give them to somebody. If I can't find it here in my city would it be possible to learn by e-mail?

[KC Elbows]

Even better, for about....the amount of money you have in your account...he's willing to teach you by private message the deadly secrets of Burmese Kalari Do!

[KC Elbows]

His email address is BigFatPervFromButte@monkeylove.com

[Stryder]

And is it true or just hearsay, that if I'm in there long enough I will learn the truly devastating Koala's palm?

[KC Elbows]

By the way, I wouldn't send anything to that email above. I'd be terrified to find out that was an actual email address.

[KC Elbows]

Only if you show the right spiritual awareness and disregard for such trivialities as money and retirement. Then you can be as the koala, cutest and yet most deadly of the animals.

[Stryder]

I gotta go out right now and buy a pink and lavender sweater, I can't explain it, it just feels right!

[Royal Dragon]

Have some super hotties In tight black strech pants and tiny sports bras doing Kardio kicks in the front trainig hall at all times. When you have an actuall Mc Dojo class, make sure you have two of the hotties walking around all wet and sweaty from thier Kardio class and socialising with everyone. It's good for student retention.

[ewallace]

I can think of some retention it's not good for.

[Royal Dragon]

I know a couple of strippers that would be perfect for the job :D

[ewallace]

I'm hiring then.

[KC Elbows]

Now that is a definite advancement in the art of the mcdojo.

Introducing the Kalari Do Ho.:D

[ewallace]

That sounds like a knock-off of the little debbie snack cake.

[KC Elbows]

:D

Munch on a Kalari Do Ho.:D

[Royal Dragon]

LOL!!! I love it.

But seriously, the idea does have some merit from a marketing sense. Give the girls like 40% of the Kardio Kick Boxing take to basically teach the class, and hang out and look all "horney like" and flirt with all the guys. I bet the student retention would be like 110%!!!! (With the men anyway)

When the Women see all the attention the girls are getting from the guys, they will become more obsessed with loosing the weight in the Kardio Class, and the student retention there will also be 110% because they want to attract the hot Kung Fu guys.

All we have to do, is make sure we are in top level shape (run, lift alot), and have a few "Seniors" in just thier uniform pants and no shirt for the girls to drool over to cover both ends of the scale.

The closed door seniors and instructors don't have as strict of a uniform requirement, but all the lower level fatties must be in full uniform (with all the patches etc) at all times.


Sex sells my friends!! ;)

(Hate to say this, but I might think about doing something like this for real, it has legit merit!!!)

[guohuen]

The supersecretive Scent-Doe with defeat all. It brings in big bucks.

[ewallace]

Don't forget to throw some cartwheels and **** in. Chicks are suckers for gymnastics.

[Royal Dragon]

Looks like i'm going to be opening my club in a gymnastics gym.

They are looking to run a dance studio there too, so I'm hoping all the hot and sexy dance stuents will help me with marketing just by being there. I sugested putting my studio in the back so students will have to walk PAST the dance room to get to me!!!:D

If all goes well, i'll be between the dance studio and the girls locker room. :D :D :D

[guohuen]

"To dream the impossible dream... to fight the unbeatable foe.... to go were the brave do not follow... this is my quest"

[Royal Dragon]

:D :D :D :D :D


Wait untill I get my club, I'm definately hireing strippers to teach Kardio Kicks on thier off nights!!

[ewallace]

Personnaly I'd like to see them teach proper staff technique.

Would personal instruction by these ladies happen to cost around $10 dollars and last for two songs?

[Royal Dragon]

I'd have to say yes, but only for personal "Staff" lessons :eek:

[rubthebuddha]

i guess the one thing we need to make sure our kalari do dojo has is ...


a champagne room.

[Chang Style Novice]

To see so many humble, conscientious Burmese Kalari Do practioners brought together brings tears to my eyes.

Well, it would if the monkeys hadn't used my tear ducts to garnish their martinis with, anyway.

[KC Elbows]

To lose the ability to cry is a great loss indeed. However, it is forunate for you that the Esteemed Gentleman Scholar knows the healing ways of the Burmese Blubber, as well as being the founder of the substyle known as Bando Do.

[rubthebuddha]

one thing i just realized -- no matter how creative we get with this stuff, there are still mcdojos so far distanced from truth that they make the stuff in this thread seem believable. :(

[eric_thomson]

No matter how hard you try to make up some kind of fu*ked up style for sh*ts and giggles. The Real McDojo's leave you stunned.


i.e. United Studios of Self Defense. (USSD)

Style taught: Shaolin Chuan Fa Kenpo White Spider Style.

These guys got a dojo in every mall around here. This style is Like a Kempo Burn Patient with skin grafts from 100 other styles over 90% of it's body.

I wish I could be amused with the Kalari Do thread but fact is stranger than fiction.:eek: