DC Sniper working for Jesus?

[The Willow Sword]

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1002/sniper.html

this has to be the funniest and most disturbing thing i have ever read.

MRTWS

[Cipher]

That site is block from were I work. Can someone C n' P it?

[Stone Monkey]

Is DC Sniper Working for Jesus?

Freehold, Iowa-_ Most experts agree that the recent shootings in and around the Washington DC area are the work of a deranged lunatic. But Baptists, who are more familiar with the ways of the Lord than unsaved police profilers, disagree. "We believe that the killer was probably associated with a conservative Christian church at one time in his life," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "How else would he know how to shoot a gun so well? Some wagging tongues have claimed that he can't still be a Christian if he is killing folks, but they need to put down their Washington Post and pick up a Bible. The Lord is always full of fresh ideas about who to kill next!"

YOUNG CHILDREN:_ The Old Testament teaches us that the Lord has a weakness for killing the young. Whether it is drowning little babies in the Great Flood because their parents said something that rubbed Him the wrong way, sending bears to maul kiddies to death for making a light-hearted joke about a bald man (II Kings 2:23-24) or hacking them to pieces and aborting them from their pregnant mothers because she happens to worship the wrong god (Hosea 13:16), the Lord clearly requires little provocation to kill children.

RUBBERNECKERS:_ God showed his displeasure with people who gawk at calamities happening to others by turning Lot's wife into a condiment when she looked back to see all her friends dying in metropolitan Sodom. (Genesis 19:26) Therefore, it is very important that if you think that Jesus' triggerman has just shot the driver in the lane you are passing, that you not look at the car that is now swerving wildly into on-coming traffic, as your curiosity will probably be answered with another bullet in your head from the Lord's sniper.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T PAY FULL COMMISSION ON REAL ESTATE:_ The Lord is known to kill instantly people who sell property and don't give Him all the money made from the sale. (Acts 5:1-10) An advisory is being sent to all licensed Realtors in Maryland to get a full accounting of all sales to be converted into tithes -- or get their commission from their soon-to-be-dead clients up-front.

WOMEN WHO ARE RAPED:_ The Lord Jesus has asked that all engaged virgins who are raped in the city be killed. (Deuteronomy 22:24)_ If, however, they are not engaged, then the Lord is willing to look the other way if some money changes hands.

SABBATH BREAKERS:_ The Lord has made it clear that He wants all people who don't spend the entire day of Sunday flattering Him to die. (Exodus 31:14) The police are warning that everyone who visits a local mall on Sunday is just asking to be picked off by the Lord.

Police officers revealed last week that the killer left a calling card, which implied that he was doing the work of the Lord. A Landover Baptist officer commented, "He must be a little confused, if he is in fact, a Christian. Every red-blooded American Baptist knows that while man is called upon to stone a sinner here and there, running around killing a whole bunch of folks is the Lord's business (Unless, the Lord has promised you a bunch of towns, like He did to the Israelites when they came out of the desert. In that case, you can slaughter all the men, women and children in each town with gusto and impunity!). You see, God is the expert on wholesale slaughter and this sniper could never duplicate the pure terror and panic, that God unleashes upon people who needle Him."_

"We know that this sniper is concerned about God," said Landover Baptist Youth Director, Geoffrey Weaver. "The note left at the crime scene that said, I am God, might just be his way of letting everyone know that Jesus lives inside of him. It could be a clue to inquire at local churches as to the identity of the killer."_ True Christian® leaders suggest that Jesus might be speaking through the sniper, guiding his hand to remind the world that God exists. "Jesus often speaks through His people," Rev. Jerry Falwell says. "He sometimes directs His people to shoot up abortion clinics and beat up vile ****sexuals and liberals, to give them a taste of the fires of Hell right here on Earth. Jesus is about love, but usually it's tough-love that involves a lot ofkilling."_

NRA spokesman and Ronald Reagan playmate Charlton Heston opined: "The problem is not with the sniper, but with the folks without weapons he is picking off! If everyone in this country were a sniper, we wouldn't have such easy targets running around. It is not the fault of a gun that some folks are too stupid to duck when they hear one fire!"

Pastor Deacon Fred, and thousands of other True Christians® around the country are focusing on prayer, not for the victims of these recent attacks, but for the killer himself. "The victims already have too many folks praying for them," said Pastor. "Besides, if this killer really is acting on the Lord's behalf, praying for the victims might be construed by God as second-guessing His decision to kill them in the first place._ And, frankly, I don't want to be rubbing the irritable Lord Jesus the wrong way if He has a hitman running around!"

Some people are shocked at the Christian belief that no matter how terrible a person was, they get a free ticket to Heaven if they confess Christ as their savior at the last minute. But Pastor Deacon Fred explains, "Through Christ Jesus and His infinite love and mercy, all things are possible. Besides, if this guy is a saved crazy person out there killing for Jesus, then he is guaranteed a seat at the celebration in Glory._ And even if he is an unsaved crazy person, we_are praying that he will come to know Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. It probably won't stop the killing, but it will guarantee that the shooter will be reunited with some of his victims in heaven," said Pastor Deacon Fred. "It's hard for some folks to understand why God would send a little unsaved child who was shot, straight to Hell, and send his killer to Heaven, but it all makes sense to Jesus, and it's in the Bible, so we ought not question it. _But the best example I always use to explain it to folks is that if Hitler accepted the Lord Jesus as his Savior moments before dying, then he will be in Heaven, whereas all the Jews he killed definitely won't be in Heaven because they rejected Jesus._ See? It all makes sense when you think about it! _


:eek: :eek: :eek: :rolleyes:

[Cipher]

Oh man, what a bunch of BS:rolleyes:

[Former castleva]

I don´t think any sane christian would have much divine to see in this.
What does shooting a gun have to do with being connected to christianity?
It seems that someone is reading a bit between the lines and making one´s own decisions of this,it used to be a religion of love right? (Still is actually)
I would not be surprised if a seriously disturbed person who shoots a load of innocent people including children,and threatens to shoot more if won´t get paid would not be committed enough to write letters and believe to be "god".
After all,I don´t know if this has anything to do with religion but of course we do already have massive showdowns of how people have taken each others lives "in the name of God" whatever that will be in one´s belief system (just think of WTC and numerous attacks that we can read of in daily life besides history but I´m not a historian so I´ll leave that off)

[KC Elbows]

Landover Baptist Church is one of the best spoof sites there are, even their pop up ads are hilarious.

One of my favorite articles: "Just cause God kills babies doesn't mean you can too!"

[The Willow Sword]

I kinda figured that i would get a chuckle out of the non denominationals and a raised eyebrow and defensive attitude form the judaeo x-tians.
peace love dope
MRTWS

[Martial Joe]

I wonder how mucch Jesus is paying.

[Ryu]

While the slapstick is pretty funny....

I've said it before and I'll say it again though..... It's funny how people criticizing Christianity take the bible just as literally as the fundementalist crazies......

Ryu

[LEGEND]

A KID WAS KILLED ****IT...and U JOKE??? HOW DARE YEE!!!

[Lice]

The kid didn't die though.

So, don't worry.. it's just adults getting killed.

[Martial Joe]

Yeah its ok he only got shot.

[joedoe]

I was planning to visit DC at Christmas because my GF's father lives in Virginia, but I am seriously thinking of cancelling now for 2 reasons:

1. The sniper.
2. The weather here is just too good right now :)

[KungFuGuy!]

The kid is 13, right? Have we heard from Ralek lately?

[FatherDog]

Ralek would have countered the bullet with a HaDoKen, and then choked out the sniper. So of course it couldn't have been him.

[Chang Style Novice]

Legend, you crack me up.

[LEGEND]

Let me cut and paste some more of what I have to say...all of u make me sick...

"numbskulls to make fun of. Another person was shot and killed in manasas virginia by the sniper. He was at a gas station pumping gas. and then that was it.
HEY lets make a joke about this too. i have an EVEN BEtter idea.
Lets include in the joke your FAT Mother or sister who gets it in the head. or how about the fathers on the board who have children. HAHAHAHAHA thats funny,,,,a child getting shot in the head,,hahahahaha im peeing my pants.

Fukin Imbeciles (except for you RYU)"

...and that's what I have to say!!!
CHEERs,

:)

[Stacey]

I love Landoverbabtist,

so much truth in so much humor

Well if fundamentalist are gonna pick and choose what is fundamental, they should be consistant about it.

Remember, God is all about killing firstborn sons.

Even his own for chrissakes

[MARTIALSTUDANT]

Dear kind sir I was reading your profile and under your occupation it says drunkard, clown among a few others. What really stuck out was your 35 years of martial art trainng. But I happened to be reading post trying to catch up on some good martial arts reading and were I look first is the guys with the most experience or at least 20 yr. What really caught my eye was a man with your experience starting threads with no martial art context on a martial art forum. So I humbly ask are you just trolling, clowning, or just in a drunken stupor with this thread? also may I kindly ask were you have trained in your 35 yr I mean you private messed me asking who, what and were but like a daddy not wanting to pay welfare you ran and never left your info. All your post and not 1 connecting you to a martial art school.

[SevenStar]

A lot of us have plenty of experience. I've got 22 years. But regardless, there is more to our lives than just martial arts. The kung fu forum is not solely about kung fu - it's a catch all for things that don't fit under any of the other forums.