Let's have a laugh!

[Serpent]

Post your jokes here. It's been a while since we had a joke thread.

I'll start.

Guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, can you do anything about this?" and points to his hugely swollen crotch.

The doc asks him to drop his trousers, which he does, revealing a steering wheel.

The doc stares at the guy in disbelief.

"I know!" says the guy. "As you can see, it's driving me nuts!"

:cool:

[Serpent]

Wassamaddawidyall?

:confused:

[SanSoo Student]

ok here is a joke..

Two men are hunting in a forest, and suddenly the man on the left collapses.
His buddy dials 9-1-1 on his cell phone.
The operator picks up and asks about the current situation.
The Buddy tells the operator that he thinks his friend has died from a heart attack.
The operator responds with, "First make sure that he is dead."
You hear silence from the other end.
Then a gun shot,"Ok what do I do now?"

[TaoBoy]

A man walks into a bar and says......"f*ck that hurt".

[TaoBoy]

Two eggs are sizzling in a frying pan.
One egg says to the other, "gee, it's pretty hot in here!"
The other replies, "Sh!t. A talking egg."

[FatherDog]

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

[Serpent]

Guy goes up to a buddhist hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

;)

After he gets his hotdog (!), the buddhist hotdog vendor just takes his $20 bill and pockets it.

"What about my change?" asks the guy.

"Change comes from within," the buddhist replies.

:D

[Ryu]

Originally posted by TaoBoy
Two eggs are sizzling in a frying pan.
One egg says to the other, "gee, it's pretty hot in here!"
The other replies, "Sh!t. A talking egg."


LMAO!

[TaoBoy]

How many militant feminists does it take to wallpaper a room?





It depend how thinly you slice them.

:eek:

[ewallace]

A man hears strange noises coming from his garage. He cracks the door open and sees two thieves roaming in his garage. He calls the police to report the two theives, but the police chief says that no one is available to come out for 45 minutes. The man waits 5 minutes and calls 9-1-1 and tells the operator that he has just shot two men in his garage. Within 3 minutes 10 squad cars show up along with some s.w.a.t. members. They arrive to find the two thieves still snooping around in the garage. The police chief then says "I thought you said you shot two people!". The man replies "I thought you said that nobody could get here for 45 minutes!".

Not all that funny but a great story.

[Serpent]

In a similar vein.

A guy gets pulled over for speeding. The cop asks for his licence.

"Sorry mate. Don't have one!"

The cop asks for his registration.

"Sorry mate. Haven't got any."

The cop asks, "Is this your car, sir?"

"No. I stole it."

"Really?" says the cop. "Would you mind popping the trunk please."

"Unwise," replies the man. "There's a feotid corpse in there!"

The cop whips out his gun, points it at the guy and calls for backup. After a few minutes there's swat teams and police everywhere. The police captain approaches the car.

"Do you have a licence, sir?"

The man smiles. "Certainly. Here you go."

The captain takes it, looks confused, but it's all in order.

"Registration?"

"No problem," says the man, producing valid papers.

"Is this your car sir?"

"Yes it is."

The captain nods. "Would you please open the trunk."

The man pulls the lever and the trunk opens. The captain looks and there's nothing there but a spare tyre.

He comes back around to the driver and says, "Sir, my officer reported that you had stolen this car, had no licence or registration and that there was a body in the trunk."

The man raises his eyebrows in surprise and laughs. "I suppose he told you I was speeding too!"

[Mr Punch]

Guy walks into his shrink's wearing just Saran...

Doc goes, "I can clearly see you're nuts".





Man goes to doc's with something green sticking out of his arse,

Doc goes "It's worse than you thought, that's just the tip of the iceberg".



That Buddhist hotdog gag is the funniest thing I've seen since 1400BC.

[Helicopter]

A school teacher asked a small boy what he did over the weekend.

"ooh!" said the Boy "I found a dead cat."

"Oh dear. How did you you know it was dead?" the teacher asked.

"Cos I ****ed in its ear."

"You did what?!!" exclaimed the teacher.

" I went up to the cat and went pssst! "

[Chang Style Novice]

A sandwich walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve food."

[Neurotic]

Celine Dion walks into a bar, barman says, why the long face?

Two dyslexics walk into a bra...

A seal walks into a club...

Neurotic

[guohuen]

Two guys are playing raquetball at the club and after the game head to the showers. One guy pulls off his shirt and is wearing a bra. The other guy exclaims "Oh my God! How long have you been wearing that?" His friend answers "Ever since the wife found it in the glovebox."

[KC Elbows]

Why are there no good Jonestown jokes?
The punch line's too long.

A man walks into a pschiatrists office with a cashew on the end of his John Thomas. The psychiatrist tells him he's ****ing nuts.

[guohuen]

Not unlike people on viagra and prozac.

[yenhoi]

Q: Ask me if Im a Tree...
Are you a tree?

A: No.

[txwingchun]

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution;
Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for
me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer,
isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't-no one wants
to hear me sing!

[Hai_To]

Girls Prayer:
Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask, "How big is my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.

And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the ****head you sent me instead.
Amen.


Boy's Prayer:
Lord,
I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a liquor store.
Amen

[eulerfan]

Termite walks into a bar and asks, "bartender?"



A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings." So the string leaves. After some thought, he ties himself and then picks at his end so little pieces of string are flying out. He walks back in the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, arent' you that string that was just in here?" The string says, "No. I'm afraid not."



Father and son bulls are on a hill overlooking the herd of cows. The son says, "Hey dad, lets run down there and f**k that cow."
The dad says, "No. Let's walk down there and f**k them all."


They finally cloned a human. What they didn't realize was the the person they cloned him from had tourette's. The clone wouldn't stop cursing and it drove his creator mad. The scientist took him to the top of a building and pushed him off, he was so frustrated. The scientist was charged with making an obscene clone fall.

[KC Elbows]

Eulerfan is my hero.:D

[Hai_To]

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy....
I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a
guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy,
why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I could tell that my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting
room and said to my father....I'm very sorry. We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost.....
I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents.
I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?
"He said ... "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

[Chang Style Novice]

Don't say you weren't warned.

okay, this joke is best told with a lascivious tone and a leering expression.
--------------
What's twenty inches long, has a swollen purple head, and makes the ladies scream?

Crib death.

[Chang Style Novice]

And speaking of Rodney and respect, I have nothing but respect for you, Hai To.

And precious little of that. </groucho>

[Internal Boxer]

Ever Seen A Twa.t wrapped in plastic???



No????


















































Take a look at your passport!

[fa_jing]

Two cannibals were eating a captured anthropologist. They decided that one would start at the head, and the other at the feet. After 20 minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other, "How are you enjoying your meal?" The other replied, "I'm having a ball!" The first shot back, "Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

[Cody]

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."

[Lung Hu Pai]

why'd the skeleton go to the party alone?
Cause he had no body to go with.


Two peanuts walk into a subway, one is a salted.

[PHILBERT]

Monica Lewinsky has the whitest teeth I've ever come across.

[David Jamieson]

a rabbit hops into a butcher shop and says "got any cabbages"?

the butcher says"look my lagomorphic friend, i'm a butcher, i don't sell cabbages, please leave".

rabbit leaves.

1/2 an hour later, rabbit hops back into the butchers shop and queries "got any cabbages"?

the butcher says "look, i told you, i'm a butcher, i have no cabbages!!!! now get out of here or I'll nail your ears to the floor"!!!!!!

rabbit leaves

1/2 hour later, rabbit hops into the butcher shop again and says
"got any nails"?

the butchers says, (without looking away from what he was doing):

"no..."

rabbit says

"well, got any cabbages then"?

peace

[nospam]

Truism... (http://66.190.76.230/personal/multimedia/Pictures/Funny/Depressories/Agony.jpg)

nospam.
:cool:

[eulerfan]

A mother puts her son, Johnny to bed during a loud thunderstorm. The boy is scared. He says, "Mommy, would you tuck me in?"

She says, "Sure Johnny." She tucks him in.

"Mommy, would you stay and read me a story."

"Sure Johnny." She pulls up a chair and reads to him for a while.

"Mommy, would you turn on my night light?"

She does.

"Mommy, would you sleep with me tonight?"

"I'm sorry. Daddy needs Mommy to sleep with him."

Johnny says, "That pu$$y."

[Chang Style Novice]

Old man Mactaggart had had a few more than strictly neccesary...

"You know, I've lived in this village for seventy years, and since I was old enough to walk, I plowed the fields each spring, raised the crops each summer, and harvested them every fall. But do they call me Mactaggart the farmer? They do not.

"When I was fifteen, I build a house for myself and my wife, stone by stone, board by board, thatch by thatch. But does anyone call me Mactaggart the homebuilder. Nay.

"My wife and I raised seven beautiful children. Each of them married and had children of their own, and now some of them are given me great grandkids. Am I known as Mactaggart the patriarch? Indeed not."

"But fu(k just one sheep..."

[jon]

Truth really is stranger than fiction.

During the space race between America and Russia the Americans made a startling discovery.
They found out that in space there pens didnt work!
This was becouse the lack of gravity meant that there was nothing forcing the ink to the end of the cartridge.
So millions of dollers are invested into a 'space pen' this pen would use a specialised catridge that would actualy pulse ink from one end of the cartridge to the other.
It cost them millions and took some of the best creative minds in the country months to perfect but eventualy it was done. They had a pen ready to go into space!

The stupid Russions just took a pencil but thats another story now isnt it:rolleyes: ;) :D

[TkdWarrior]

little's jony's teacher was very much concerned about him not concentrating...so she asked the reasons...
he said "Ma`am i m in luv with u"
shocked but still she said "honey, i luv u too but u see i don't want kids"
jony replied calmy "it;s ok ma`am i'll use condoms..."
:D
-TkdWarrior-

[Gold Horse Dragon]

Church Ladies with Typewriters
Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service:


Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nurse downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P. M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

GHD

[guohuen]

A lawyer and a priest are on the titanic when the crew yells everyone to the lifeboats, women and children first. The lawyer says **** the women and children and the priest says Oh goody, do you think we have time?

[Robbie]

Originally posted by jon
Truth really is stranger than fiction.

During the space race between America and Russia the Americans made a startling discovery.
They found out that in space there pens didnt work!
This was becouse the lack of gravity meant that there was nothing forcing the ink to the end of the cartridge.
So millions of dollers are invested into a 'space pen' this pen would use a specialised catridge that would actualy pulse ink from one end of the cartridge to the other.
It cost them millions and took some of the best creative minds in the country months to perfect but eventualy it was done. They had a pen ready to go into space!

The stupid Russions just took a pencil but thats another story now isnt it:rolleyes: ;) :D

Old urban legend. Not true. Fischer developed his space pen on his own and after he did the Russians and US both used them instead of pencils.

[Shisio]

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

[xingyiman]

There are these two crazy lunatics in an insane asylum. One day the they think to themselves that they're tired of living in an insane asylum and plan an escape. That night they manage to make it to the roof of the asylum and view the rooftops of the other buildings strecthing away to freedom. So they decide to jump to another rooftops and make their way from there. the first lunatic jumps acroos and makes it to the other rooftop okay, but the second lunatic is too afraid to jump. Sensing his friends fear, the first guy says,"I'll tell you what. I'll turn on my flashlight and you can walk across the beam of light over to my side". The 2nd guy says,"What do you think I'm crazy----Your such a jerk that you'd turn off the flashlight when i was half way across. :D

What type of laundry detergent does Snoop Doggy Dog use...............BleYatch :D

[jon]

"Old urban legend. Not true. Fischer developed his space pen on his own and after he did the Russians and US both used them instead of pencils."
* Believe it or not i actualy own the pen...
The documentation that comes with it actualy talks about the pens inception.

The pen *was* designed for and used for space travel.
What i deliberately left out...
The pen also has the ability to write underwater, over grease, on uneven surfaces and of course upside down.
It has *many* usefull uses besides simply working in anti gravity enviroments.
Whilst my little story may have been oversimlified for the humour side of it the facts remain.
Still i can freely admit that the pens sole use is certainly not confined to space.

[ewallace]

*********Offensive Content Follows*********

What's cold and wants to hold your hand?












John Lennon

[Can-O-Bud]

A guy ends up shipwrecked on an island with a gorgeous girl.
For weeks they have sex everyday. She loves it and worships him.

After a while the guy get kind of bored with it. So he tells her he's bored and says, "I want you to wear a moustache and I'm going to call you Bob.".

She reluctantly agrees.

So one day she's sitting on the beach, hugging her knees, staring out at the sea and really fed up.

The guy is at the other end of the beach with a female monkey in the full throws of passionate sex.

and he shouts to her... "Hey Bob, you wanna see what I'm shaggin' here!!"