Describe your nightmare school

[KC Elbows]

This is the evil brother thread to my 'describe your dream gym' thread, and thus should last much longer than it's sappy goody-goody brother.

Here's my list:

-classes of 50+ people

-wushu steel weapons used for demonstrating weapons techniques

-Rigid heirarchy

-belt testing fees

-belts

-no sparring

-constant talk about how such and such is crap in place of actual training

-elevator music

[neptunesfall]

hah...i've already paid a visit to my nightmare school...

- sloppy, hesitant footwork (from the instructor)

- weak, hesitant hand techniques

- inattentive students

- workouts so weak might as well not do them

- lack of class structure


... this was the ma ju do place i was asking about a week or so ago. i went and watched a class. horrid.

[Waidan]

As above plus:

1. Tough Guy wannabe "Ex-Special Forces" head instructor with nasty gut. Wears a red gi, probably with dragons embroidered on it.

2. Uniforms with patches. Lots of patches.

3. One glass wall, facing out into stripmall parking lot. School is sandwiched between a nail salon and a 7-11.

4. 1 year minimum contracts. New students are given the option of a 2 year "Black Belt Special" contract.

[Chang Style Novice]

3. One glass wall, facing out into stripmall parking lot. School is sandwiched between a nail salon and a 7-11.

Check, except it's between a liquor store and a tattoo parlor.

[apoweyn]

kids.

i like kids. i just don't want to train with them.

[yenhoi]

classes larger then like 6 or 10 suck ass.

training partners who arent hardcore, also suck ass.

[Budokan]

1. Uniforms with so many patches you look like a ****in' Nascar.

2. Style teaches "unbeatable" techniques.

3. Nothing but point-sparring.

4. School closes down before your third lesson.

5. You still have to pay for the year because you were dumb enough to sign their Contract From H*ll.

[ewallace]

1. The school in which I experienced the infamous head-jerk...you know the one...it probably happened in grade school a few times...generally triggered when your chin unexpectedly touches your chest. This occured when I went to observe a class. Not good.

2. No sparring. Very huge factor.

3. Standing in formation while listening to Master X did techique Y and killed seventeen unicorns with one strike stories. This part of class consumes more time than warmups and technique/sparring combined.

4. Introduction video featuring the instructor with 70's porno-style special effects and sound quality.

5. Not one drop of sweat on anyone's forhead at the end of class.

[SevenStar]

1. no sparring except point sparring

2. half arse workouts

3. too much politics

4. arrogant punks who think their style is the be-all-end-all

5. use of lineage to enforce the style's effectiveness

6. outrageous belt testing fees.

7. Any belt testing fees.

8. camoflauge belts.

9. you can get a black belt in two years.

10. the founder jumped out of an 11 story building.

11. huge classes

12. too much focus on forms.

13. unrealistic self defense drills.

14. kiai-ing after every technique in a form.

[Hai_To]

KC,

You actually described my former school perfectly. I'm not joking, its like you've been there.

[KC Elbows]

Originally posted by Hai_To
KC,

You actually described my former school perfectly. I'm not joking, its like you've been there.

That's because I've been following you for years.:eek:

By the way, that lady at the gas station always talks smack about you after you leave. You really ought to teach her a lesson.

[Chang Style Novice]

No smart remarks yet about the school where I practice being between a tattoo parlor and a liquor store? I'm surprised at you! I mean, not only is it true, but it gives you SO much to work with...

[KC Elbows]

Wrong thread, Chang. My dream school is between a tatoo parlor and a liquor store.

[Hai_To]

By the way, that lady at the gas station always talks smack about you after you leave. You really ought to teach her a lesson.

That's because she wants me. Come on, who wouldn't? I'm adorable.

[[Censored]]

A few months back I watched a class where the instructor lifted her leg to demonstrate a kick, and nearly fell over. Gave me a whole new perspective on"Those who can't, teach." :eek:

[SaMantis]

Superhero costumes.

And "aikido-golf." That was an actual seminar I saw on a flyer.

[Chang Style Novice]

aikido golf is gonna get choked out by bjj golf.

[Hai_To]

CSN,

LOL! Holy crap was that funny.

[LEGEND]

Anythang taught by Martin Lawrence.

[Royal Dragon]

http://www.oomyungdoe.com

Need I say more??

[Ajax]

* 3-year contracts at exorbitant fees, and knowing you were enough of a sucker to pay them
* instructors who are younger in the art than you are (this is pretty lame when you're a first-year student)
* having your classes watered down for out-of-shape students who train three hours / week
* threats of expulsion if you should ever train anything from another style or "reveal" your techniques. That includes sparring with anyone outside of your school / competing in tournaments
* zero-contact point sparring only
* GM is a former Karate champion who claims lineage to an unidentified Shaolin temple in a country he's never been to, calls himself "His Holiness" and dresses like the Pope

Hey wait, that's the school I'm going to. :D

[neito]

ajax - hehe simons, what city?

[neito]

- well meaning "senior students" who really suck but insist on "helping" you anyway

- no weapons until you are a blackbelt policy

- belts

- fees for anything other than tuition

- red gi's and with black pants or american flag gi's

-patches other than the clubs insignia

-unexplained pictures of bruce lee

-unexplained yellow nunchakus on the wall

-any punch other than the corkscrew is a crime

-people who take offence when they break their toes as they kick your fore-arm

-there is no chance that your partner has been paying attention so there is no chance that the two person drill will work out

-people who crowd during drills such as "three star blocking"

- people who keep saying "yah well what if i do this?" while you are practising a certain set technique then complain when you show them what you would do.

- "clubs" where the students are not "members"

- our ultra specialised high flying acrobatic martial art is for absolutely everyone

[neito]

- spending half the class warming up and stretching even though any person with half a brain could have done it before class

-spending half the class doing conditioning that could have easily been done at home

-lots of yelling

[Ajax]

Neito -- you got it in one. I can't say the city -- THEY may be watching. They may flay me, or cancel my contract. It isn't all bad; at least there's a blackbelt here whose skills are first-rate, I've learned a lot from him. Also the chief instructor is a good guy although he's not a master of the style. When you're starting out it's all about how hard you train anyways, but I do have to watch out that I'm not forming bad habits, 'cos they feed a lot of bad or useless information to us newbies. From what I understand we're not even training Simon's kung fu style -- you're only deemed worthy of that after training three years of whatever this stuff is, kempo karate apparently.

[neito]

ic, i live in edmonton btw

[David Jamieson]

the one that psycho monk goes too :D

kidding, if he ain't full of it, it sounds like he goes to a pretty good kf school.

anyway, with my current understanding of chinese martial arts, it may seem and sound a bit brash, but I don't think I'd want to attend the greater percentage of schools out there.

So much hogwash, it really isn't in the stars for me.

peace

[neito]

i actually am the victim of a pesky contract also. it is to a good muay thai school though. i just lost interest in there method of training. i train sometimes since i am paying for it though. every month $38 canadian appears on my visa bill. oh well at least i know they are not crooks. its only for 6 more months anyway. and itrained there steadily for 4 months. i start kung fu again soon. woohoo!

[omegapoint]

- head instructor looks like he's been on a hunger strike for a couple of years

- students kiai after every technique

- LACK of realistic forms training and realistic bunkai (application)

- teacher has nystagmus (uncontrollable back-and-forth rapid eye movements while AWAKE), and tells you to use your vision, while staring at someone else

- Your dojo/kwoon/ school smells like "Soup or Salad" joint next door

- class is being taught by an intermediate student, whose spastic sorry arse you could wax

- any g-dammn contract smack

- carpeted training area gives you rug burns and smells like corn chips and feets

- young fat arse students who have been training for years, and still break a sweat walking from one end of the school to the other

- funky gi mofos-- wash your isht and your arse, please!

- school advertises "realistic" or "modern", but the reality is that the realism is lacking regardless of modernity

- spar happy kickboxers thinking that slap-***g-tag is as real as it gets--- about 90% of joints....

There's more, but this is enuff!

[Royal Dragon]

" red gi's and with black pants"

Reply]
HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! I used to resemble that remark!!! Well, when I taught for the Youth outreach program anyway. Now I have a spiffy all black Kung Fu uniform with a really cool Dragon on the back!!!! :D


"head instructor looks like he's been on a hunger strike for a couple of years"

Reply]
Or Worse, the head instructor looks like he NEEDS!! to be on a hunger strike for a couple of years!!!

:eek:

[SifuAbel]

Lots of space and NOT enough students to cover rent and utilities.

[PHILBERT]

I just had a sudden realization.

In that photo of Grandmaster Iron Kim jumping off the 11 story building, it says "Corner of Roof" (yes the R is capitalized), well if he is jumping from the roof and the view we see of him is direct on, where the heck is the man holding the camera sitting?

Oh yeah

Point sparring
Contracts
McDojo or McKwoon
Talks about how its street effective, then you get your ass beaten by a punk kid with no experience after getting hit in the nuts because you kicked too high

[rubthebuddha]

there's a school in town that's like a feeder for our kids stuff. one time a parent called and said she was fed up with that place. her son had been there for some time and wasn't getting anywhere. my sihing asked what belt he made it to ...

"camouflage."

"wah?" replied my sihing.

"yeah, i know. camouflage. don't you say anything."

:D

[Royal Dragon]

PHILBERT,
Kim is useing is phenominal psycic powers to suspend him in the air next to the building so the shot has a better coolness factor due to the angle.

In reality, I think he jumped off the AC unit on top of the roof, to the roof itself. (Oops :eek: ) Shhhhhhh, don't tell the believers!!!

I was originally told it was 5, then later 8 stories, and a building to building jump, not to the ground. Jackie Chan still beats Kim out anyway you look at it.

We had a school here in Chicago years ago that had all cammo karate gi's, belts and all. It was run by this HUGE African warlord looking guy, who also wore cammo fatigus all the time. It was really wierd watching him march his students in military style, and acting like a drill seargent. His troops cheated too.

[Merryprankster]

Anywhere that mullets are popular.

[SaMantis]

Hah, my nephew made it to camouflage belt in like six months at the tender age of four! (That was six belts up at his school, four more to go to black belt.)

His parents got a little fed up with paying testing fees once, sometimes twice a month. My nephew couldn't remember a single move without prompting from the instructor and all he did with his spiffy foam numbchucks was come home and hit his big sister with them. :(

[BeiKongHui]

*Contracts

*Instructors all just out of puberty.

*Instructors can't stop showing off for the female students.

*Instructor asks if you are here to learn martial arts or how to fight.

*Large fees or "lucky money" required to advance.

*Advancement is based on how much $ you have not skill.

*Instructor is lazy and has a beer belly.

*Watching seniors do forms is forbidden.

*Instructor answers questions with phrases like "What do you think?"

*After the first class you realize you could mop the floor with the instructor.

*They have ever, ever hosted a Rich Mooney seminar.

*The art is names from two different cultures. eg. Karate Chu'an.

*Instructor spends most classes on the couch watching UFC tapes.

[Sho]

- Graduation fee
- Too high seminar/workshop fees
- Poor training place
- Learning new forms is based on a strict ranking sytem
- One-strike-kills moves
- Beer-belly instructor, heh
- No sparring or only point sparring
- Half-assed work-outs

[Chang Style Novice]

"We teach the original Ned Flanders Kempo!"

[MonkeySlap Too]

Almost any Korean martial arts school (Why do they ALL have psychic powers and learned from mysterious teachers without a name - yet ALL do something derived from Shotokan or Aikido?)

No sparring.

Only gimps.

Only athletes.

Teaching from video tape.

No direct experience among the teachers.

Inefficient or silly training methodologies.

Cult like behavior.

For the record, I don't mind contracts, it helps teachers keep the lights on. If you can't live up to your word, who needs you?

Oh, and i have a beer belly. So does one of my classmates. Wanna fight?

[wushu chik]

Originally posted by rubthebuddha
there's a school in town that's like a feeder for our kids stuff. one time a parent called and said she was fed up with that place. her son had been there for some time and wasn't getting anywhere. my sihing asked what belt he made it to ...

"camouflage."

"wah?" replied my sihing.

"yeah, i know. camouflage. don't you say anything."

:D

Well sh!t...there goes the first belt rank in Capo Fu Do(tm)!!!

~Wen~