The Great Sock Escape

[Cheese Dog]

How many times have you done laundry and when you were done found one sock missing? More times than I can count. I believe I have finally figured out where the lost sock goes.

For many years I thought the lost sock simply slipped through a wormhole in the space and time continuum and traveled to a land where socks are eternally blessed. But after much thought I have abandoned this theory for a much simpler one.

You notice that when you buy socks you always buy them in PAIRS. This is the root of the problem, for the socks often are not in a pair of their own choosing. They are forcibly mated to a sock not of their own choosing by the manufacturer and at the first opportunity they sneak away to find their mate.

So I am calling a crusade, brothers and sisters! Join with me to STOP FORCED SOCK MARRIAGES! Together we can make a difference! Write your congressman! Write the Sock Manufacturers! Write your Aunt Ethel! This is a fight we can win!

STOP FORCED SOCK MARRIAGES!

Many Thanks for your time and patience,

Cheese Dog

[SaMantis]

Down south where I come from, forced sock marriages are a way of life. I don't see nuthin' wrong with it. In fact, the more alike they look, the more inclined we are to force them dang socks to marry.

Now 'scuse me. I got to git my shotgun fer tonight's weddin'.

[Royal Dragon]

My socks live in a Bi sexual heirum.
See, one day I was at Target, and I saw that my favorite type of Sock (all white) was on sale really cheap, so I bought like a Gross of them. Then, I just emptied all the socks into the drawer in a random unpaired fashion. Since they are all the same, all I need to do is just pull any two socks out of the drawer at random, and i'm set. This leaves the socks free to pair up as they please.
:D

[shaolin kungfu]

I'm stickin' with the wormhole theory.

[joedoe]

What is actually occurring is you socks are mating, producing a single offspring, then the parents run off to sock paradise, leaving their offspring to fend for themselves. :D

[Royal Dragon]

LOL!!!

The wormhole theory works the best. See, it has to do with a combination of the heat............the light ..................and the spinning motion produced by the dryer drum. This opens a tempral vortex that transports your sock to a parallel dimension.

This may infact be happening to me, but since all my socks are identical, I have no way of knowing short of taking a census of the sock population.

Also, if they were making babies, and leaving, you would not only be getting an odd missmatched sock, it would be half the size of the other socks as well.

[shaolin kungfu]

The sock mating theory also raises an interesting question. Where is this sock paradise, and how to socks get there? This brings us back to the possibility of a wormhole.

[Laughing Cow]

Cheese Dog.

The problem is not the forced marirage, they were matched mated already in the factory.
Thus buying them and wearing them loosens that bond.

You see the wormhole theory is correct, because they are not tied together one get sucked in & the other one soon gets soo loney that it will try to follow into the Vortex.

[shaolin kungfu]

If a wormhole is to blame, there is a simple solution. If we tie our socks together before putting them in the dryer, we will never lose single socks. No matter how many socks are lost, we will always have matching pairs.

[Laughing Cow]

Shaolin Kungfu.

Aaah. you have discovered the wisdom & knowledge of the ancients.

;) ;)

[Royal Dragon]

I tried it, didn't work. One always wriggled free.
If you want to escape the worm hole, you have to avoid it from the start, and dry your sock on a Laundry line in the back yard.

As soon as you even attempt to use a dryer, you create the wormhole, and socks (Which are small enough) will slip through.

Just be thankfull the Dryer is too primitive to create a big worm hole, or your jeans would get sucked in too :eek:

[shaolin kungfu]

What if someone built a dryer big enough for a person. Could the could we travel through the wormhole and retrieve are lost socks?

[joedoe]

Originally posted by shaolin kungfu
The sock mating theory also raises an interesting question. Where is this sock paradise, and how to socks get there? This brings us back to the possibility of a wormhole.

The sock paradise is next to the elephant graveyard, but no-one knows where it is or how to get there :D

[Royal Dragon]

Possibly, but it would have to be big enogh for an elephant really because we would be about the height of a sock that an elephant would wear.

Of course the sheer size of the wormhole in this case might send us somewhere else. Hopefully a beach with lots of naked hotties. :D

[shaolin kungfu]

Maybe the naked hotties will have our socks.:D

[David Jamieson]

actually, the various rituals of sock culture are fascinating.

it seems that the female sock after mating with the male sock will eat the male sock to nourish the brood.

The brood is born as tee shirt lint and becomes parasitic and lives a life of symbiotic bliss with human belly buttons.

However, I have heard of shotgun argyle weddings before. That's the scots for you though.

cheers

[shaolin kungfu]

This could be the most off topic thread ever.

[morbicid]

this reminds me of that episode of ren and stimpy, where they went to that alien planet and discovered a smelly mountain where all the world's missing left socks were piled. It was like a parallel universe where all the missing left socks escaped to or something. Then at the end ren and stimpy imploded because they didnt have bus fare.

[Cheese Dog]

Well, perhaps I was incorrect, the general concensus seems to support the wormhole theory.

That brings up another question though. When the wormhole is activated, do the socks slip through of their own accord OR IS SOMETHING PULLING THEM THROUGH? (Cue spooky music)

Maybe sock parents tell their offspring scary stories about "the dryer monster" that will get them if they misbehave!

[Laughing Cow]

I think they try to escape.

Their Parents tell them that if they stay too long they become "sunday" socks (holey).

:D :D

[Cheese Dog]

Royal Dragon, my roommate came home awhile ago with 10 new pairs of white socks. Mindful of your story, I urged him to just throw them all together in a drawer and let them "pair up" on their own. I envision the sock drawer as a singles club for foot gloves. Anyway, I want to see if this freedom cuts down on the escape rate. I'll get back to you guys when I get the results of this experiment.:)

[shaolin kungfu]

I'm guessing they try and escape. They're trying to get away from forced marriages, and from being walked on all the time.

[morbicid]

i remember i wore this one pair of socks so long without changing them that they started to smell like amonia.... then my feet were itching so bad that i had to buy another pair ( i had like no socks back then). other socks of mine have gotten red and blue modly smelling colors on them from sitting in the basket too long :) then in this other apartment of mine, i became wise to the sock escape tactics and began storing all my dirty socks together in a pile behind the door. no longer were they allowed to mingle with other dirty laundry. of coarse, the sock pile never made it to the laundromat (across the street), the pile just sat there for weeks until the socks turned colors and smelled so i threw them all away. None were able to escape, but rather, they changed so much from their confinement that u would not recognize them from the sock they used to be.

[Ming Yue]

_____________________________________
Most people don't realise that socks have a very short life span. As they mature and approach their twilight years, they have a predisposition to disintegrate into the ethereal realm. Even for a sock, life is a cycle. From this ethereal realm, the sock then reincarnates back to its original form: lint.

According to Noted Anthropologist Dr. Dahktor, "I was at home getting ready for work when I tripped and landed square on my back. The force was so great that my glasses jumped off of my head and a big piece of black lint flew out of my belly button! Slowly, I sat up, regained my composure, put back on my glasses and took a closer look at the lint. The rest, is history."

History, indeed. The interesting characteristic of this lint was that it closely resembled sock fibres. Without hesitating for a second, the good doctor placed the ball of lint on a microscope slide and ran to the office. After further analysis and testing, it seemed to be a prepubescent form of sock! What did it mean? After a few nights of little sleep, the answer that seemed to literally jump off of the page now seemed like the wrong direction all over again. Seeing this as another failure, he discarded the sample. Days passed, but the ball of lint keep returning.

This is not only a biological phenomenon but a sociological one as well. Dr. Dahktor explains: "The sock understands better than anyone that it's time here on earth is over. For generations, the sock has evolved and developed this instinct to help it secure passage into the next life. We should be so lucky."

[Cheese Dog]

Morbicid, I think such treatment of innocent socks is reprehensible. They enjoy a good bath as much as anyone! :D The reason they couldn't escape was because they were stuck together with foot funk! (Everyone say Ewww!)

Ming Yue, does this mean socks are stuck in a perpetual cycle of death and rebirth and never have a chance to achieve nirvana? That is so incredibly sad. :(:(

[Ming Yue]

Yes, socks lead a bleak existence. Except perhaps for the larval lint stage, when they have the opportunity to cling to sweaters and get in bellybuttons and thus see a bit of the world outside the sock drawer.

Of course, hippy-types hang dryer lint outside so the birds can make nests out of it, and that would be the Neverland of socks because the sock larvae - like Peter Pan - would remain in lint stage and never reach adulthood. Plus they get to live outside.

[Water Dragon]

What are you guys talking about? Everyone knows that socks end up missing because the Underwear Gnomes stole them.

Man, some people will believe anything :rolleyes:

[Cheese Dog]

Water Dragon, have you ever SEEN an underwear gnome? And if so, WHAT WERE YOU SMOKIN'? ;)

And you call US gullible!

[Water Dragon]

Look dude, they exist. They come out of the crack in my baseboard at exactly 3:15 in the morning and steal my underwear. Then they go to the dryer and look for socks. The only reason I see them is because I drink so much coffee that I can't sleep at night. AAAAAGGGHHH!!!!!

[ewallace]

I'm glad I read this page before posting my theory on underwear gnomes. Waterdragon watches southpark.

[joedoe]

The socks just want democracy and a place for themselves. The ones that escape are forming a huge underground movement called SUFFER (Sock Underground Fighters For Equal Rights) that will one day rise up and free the oppressed masses. Then they plan to form a sovereign sock state where all socks can live in happiness and harmony, free from the fear of being stepped on.

Don't take this warning lightly - they have help from the glove movement (UGLI - Underground Glove Liberation Institute).

[Water Dragon]

Well yeah ewallace, but can you explain phase two?

[ewallace]

Well, I just figured they thought my butt smelled great, so anything that covered my feet would be a pleasant aroma as well.

[Cheese Dog]

EWallace, you are SO not right!!!!

WD, why don't you see if you can trap an underwear gnome? You could hold it for ransom for all the socks and underwear they have stolen over the years!

[ricksitterly]

my socks are always losing their mate as i have to wear three at a time. two for my feet, one for my ginseng boner. in case you were wondering, YES boners get lint jst like the belly button does.

i remember way back in college, like last summer, all my socks were grossly dirty and smelly, so i threw all of them in the bath tub and poured some bleach and detergent in. then i stirred them for a while with the plunger. unfortunately i didnt think ahead enough on how to dry them, and ended up draining the tub and letting them sit there for about a week. since my roomates kept using the shower, the socks never really dried, and they still smelled, so i threw them all away. needless to say, some of those socks probably were stolen by my roomates. think about it, ur in there showering, all naked, and u see some wet socks near your feet. its only natural to put them on and walk out with them. i dont blame them for the theft... but from now on whenever all my socks are dirty i just buy new ones and save myself the frustration. for a very short while i had a girl move in my place and she used to wash my socks. those were the good old days.