funniest thing you'll read this month: actual tech notes from where i work

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

these are support notes completely unedited other than removing the tech's name. customers like these are what make techs likely to end up sniping people in their spare time. it's funny reading it now, but imagine actually having to try and get this guy connected to the internet. the first two entrees are mine. all the others are done by a different person each time. keep in mind that anything quoted are things he actually said word for word.

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Problem: setup

Solution: i really think this guy was tripping his balls off. he would be saying 3 differnet sentences at once and the he would tell you he was wearing glasses. he would also refer to his friend george in ways that did not relate to anything we were talking about. i would tell him to click start and he'd say "george came and visited me last year and all like that" and then he'd just stop and there was complete silence until i told him to move on in the setup. we got half way through the inetwiz when he said he was looking at a blank screen. my eyes went wide with rage and before i could say anything he said he was back at run. i asked him what happened to the screen we were just working with and he said "it's gone" like it was one of the most profound experiences of his life. going through the wizard again he started arguing with me when we got to connection name. i told him to clear out connection to the phone number and he said "no .. no . .. not really." i asked him to clear it out again and he said he didn't know about all that. finally we got past this step and for no apparent reason, and without warning, he hung up. if he calls in normal one day he was definatley tripping.

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Problem: he was having problems with his meds that "really rocked his cage."

Solution: he said that he "was taking enough bull**** medicine that would really flip your lid and all like that . .. pcp . .. toxic chemical crap ..its time to kick back .. the medication is kicked in and im kicked back. " he then told me that george is coming in from chicago. george "is a computer **** wizard and all like that." he told me it "seems like a big eye" and i told him to have a nice day.

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Problem: think that he just really wasn't sure how to get online

Solution: showed him how to open IE and then click connect to get online

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Problem: ack, says he is getting the line is busy, so he wanted to change his password?

Solution: Well he really had no idea what his password was even though he just opened up his account like 4 days ago. He starts going on about his scanner, and his friend George again. This guy is just completely insane.

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Problem: jesus christ

Solution: jesus christ

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those are the funniest ones .... hereafter his friend george really does show up and things are much easier. allthough there are several entrees along the lines of "called to ramble on and on and on and on....and on and on and on..... he's still talking...."

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

oh ... george is a computer sh it wizard btw ....

if any other techs have funny stories to share post them here.

here are some general notes copy and pasted word for word from another account:


7-26-02 customer says wife has went crazy.and thinks the devil is after her..she sent all the utili companys blank checks.and he needs to shut down account..will come in and pay balance...he gave me a writen notice

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

another account:

Problem: done playing backgammon

Solution: says that sometimes it rejects her password?????

[chen zhen]

LOL:D
"It's funny 'cos it's true"
-Homer Simpson

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

my favorate part is "Problem: ack, says he is getting the line is busy, so he wanted to change his password?"

ill find some more through out the day. doesn't anyone else have anything to add ... i thought we had a few other techs on board.

[red5angel]

hey GDA, did you post this a while back?! I think I still have the .doc I pasted it to because it made me laugh so hard!

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

i probably did ... i try to share that support history with as many people as possible cause it's friggen unreal. he was definately the craziest mofo i have talked to so far.

[Chang Style Novice]

He sounds like the Incredible Hulk of dumb-assery.

[ewallace]

I had one a few years ago. Of course being technical support for an ISP automatically makes you technical support for everything that is remotely related to computers.

This guy calls and says that he was just surfing the internet and his screen froze up. So I walk him thru the usual... try to open task manager, alt+f4, alt+tab...nothing. I told him just to turn the computer off. This is where it got really interesting. The guy swore up and down there was no power button on his computer. He then started cussing at me and accusing us of breaking his computer. :rolleyes: I finally said "Sir, if you are not able to find the power button on your computer, I'm afraid there's nothing more that I can do for you". He muttered something else and hung up.

Of course I could have had him unplug the computer, but the guy couldn't find a button.

[Chang Style Novice]

For the record, the power switch on my computer only turns it on, not off. I don't know how or why the designers thought this was a good idea, but it's what they did. When the godd@mn thing hangs up really bad, I switch it off at the power strip.

[ewallace]

Another interesting one was this poor lady who called up because she couldn't connect. So we were about to go thru the troubleshooting steps. I had her open up DUN, and we were about to set up a new connect. She must have not had the DUN window maximized, and clicked outside of it. Of course, when she did that the DUN window disappeared into the background. She then starts freaking out, yelling into the phone "what did you do? what did you just do?" I said "ma'am, I'm afraid I don't know what you are talking about". She said that I had made her window disappear. I told her that was not possible. She then goes "you mean you can't see what I'm doing?". I had to put the phone on mute for about a minute.

[ewallace]

Chang, you have to hold the power button down for 5-10 secs and it will probably turn off. :)

[Chang Style Novice]

When I worked at a print shop I was once asked to fax someone paper samples.

Top that, you amateurs!

edit: 10-15 seconds!??! Where am I supposed to find that kind of time!!??!!?

































:D

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

Problem ACK, this is the customer from HELL. She is trying to send an email to someone, keeps returning as undeliverable. Of course as soon as she read me the email address, I knew what was wrong. It was supposed to be @qwest.net, and she was sending to @west.net.

Solution Uh told her she was an idiot, and needs to go away.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

from same lady ....

Problem ...

Solution we laughed, we cried, we did nothing

.................................................. ..................................

Problem ???

Solution Same as below. I guess she is getting re-formatted or something.

.................................................. ....................................

Problem disconnections no error msg, babbled on and on and laughing histaricly

Solution port speed to 57.6k string +ms=v34

.................................................. ...........................................

Problem for the love of all that is holy.......please God don't let her call back!!! not able to connect.

Solution checked her DUN and there were about 10 dialers in there. deleted them all and inetwiz'ed her. noticed that inetwiz didn't even ask to set up e-mail. she removed the **** program from her PC. sending her a CD with IE 5.5 on it to install OE again. I really hope that she can connect now b/c I cannot handle more then one call from this lady in one day.

.................................................. .................................................

Problem oh holy hell..........she's back........and she has a new PC.


Solution I really believe that this woman is certifiably NUTS! thank god someone had already set her up on the new PC (even though there are no notes) but she had all these questions about stupid ****. answered them to as best I could and told her to GO AWAY!

.................................................. .................................................. .

Problem oh holy hell.........if you only knew the type of people I have been getting this morning. she was the icing on the cake when I heard her UN. Thank GOD it was something simple....or I would have screamed at her

Solution Netscape was taking over control of certain things on her PC - such as picture viewing. after askeing her 5 times if she even USES Netscape - I finally got a "no" out of her. so I showed her how to uninstall it. bye bye

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[Becca]

Me's a DBA, but my dad isn't aware that isn't the same thing. So I still get called at wierd hours to trouble shoot his 'puter. Things like "what does the computer meen by cannot find printer, click help button for assistance?"

Um, it meens it can't find it, click the help button for assistance.

Dad: Ok. I did. What now?
Me: follow the directions.
Dad: It says to check if the power is on.
Me: Is it?
Dad: On the computer? Of course it is!
Me: No. The printer.
Dad: Doesn't it turn on when I turn on the computer?
Me: No.
Dad: John's does.
Me: Then ask John to set it up like his.
Dad: Can't you do it?
Me: No. He does IT and networking. I do databases.
Dad: But you have a degree!
Me: Not in networking.
Dad: So?
Me: Dad, it 2 in the morning. I'm going back to sleep now.

[ewallace]

And people wonder why AOL has been so popular.

[Beth S.]

At my old job I ate lunch with the tech support staff because they had the best stories. Two I remember:

A lady was trying to use the mouse as a foot pedal.

A man called and at some point was asked "Do you have Windows open?" The man said, "Oh, right...the computer must be overheating, hang on..." and then got up to open all the windows in the room.

[qeySuS]

My worst caller (i used to do tech support, today i work for QA at a gaming company) would have to be this old guy from a village that called in, this was ISP support btw.

Ok so he calls, and i think the problem was that he couldn't connect, so i told him to go into DUN, he said it wouldn't open. I could just hear him clicking with like 5 seconds in between in the background, and he says "NOTHING HAPPENS", so i try to tell him "You must do it a bit quicker", but .. well he doesn't i end up telling him to just click it once and press enter (i have to tell him this for every folder for the rest of the conversation). Now i have to have him delete some numbers in the inetwiz, and he asks me "How do i do that?" so i spend 5 minutes trying to explain where the backslash button is. And in about 20 minutes i get him to finish it up and connect, then he asks me "Now what?" and i tell him "Now you're online and can do what you want". But no he wants me to give him the URL for some porn pages, he then goes on to explain to me how this is proapbly all his "Thai *****es" fault (i looked him up, aparently he's married to a thai girl), and told me how he'd propably hvae to beat her again for this and said "You know how it is" MOTHRE ****ER I DON'T KNOW HOW IT IS! But i just tried to keep it cool, he then starts coming on to me or some ****, says i sound like a nice kid and invites me to he country where we can play with horses together, and asks if he ever comes to town if we can meet up and go horseback riding. **** i can't remember how i got out of it, i think i just said no and played it cool until he hung up, and didn't answer that number again. But that's my freakiest.

Here are a few bad ones: Middle aged women who not only have no idea how to operate a computer, but have no chance of learning it (little alone over a phone), people that put the support number into their dialup account, so we get phonecalls with modem noises (then they call later to complain that our phone number isn't working "I only hear voices when my modem dials"), and the self proclaimed computer wiz that in reality doesn't know ****. Best customers? The real computer wiz' you'll tune into these guys easily and talk nerdy with them which they'll appreciate.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

he said it wouldn't open. I could just hear him clicking with like 5 seconds in between

i hear ya brother


i end up telling him to just click it once and press enter (i have to tell him this for every folder

been there


i spend 5 minutes trying to explain where the backslash [space] button is.

aint that the worst?


then he asks me "Now what?"

man what do these people want?


he then starts coming on to me or some ****, says i sound like a nice kid and invites me to he country where we can play with horses together, and asks if he ever comes to town if we can meet up and go horseback riding.

:eek:

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

point of all that is that i was really with ya all up until that last part. i was like .. yep ... yep ... oh man ... then all the sudden WTF?????

you didnt take this dudes name down or anything. man that **** wouldnt fly where i work, but then again one of our admins is a 500lb racist with cobwebs tattooed on his elbows.

[qeySuS]

I did take his name down and look him up in our national registry to find out if he was ****ing with me, but he was registered with [Insert Thai looking name here] as a mate. I mentioned it to my co-workers and **** but they said i should just let it og so i did, donno his name anymore, forgot it. I was like 16 or 17 when this happened.

Hhah i just remmebered another pet peeve of mine, see i'm Icelandic, so sometimes when i'd say "Ok now click on my computer" and they'd say "There's no such thing". Well what would hvae happened then was that they had translated ALL the icons to Icelandic, and it'd be impossible for me to find anything haha man, i don't miss those days a bit :)

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

i guess i shouldnt say it would be differant where i work cause i just remembered something worse happened at my job that i dont like to think about.

dude calls in and says he cant get to a particular website. so the tech offers to see if he can bring it up. after some prodding the tech got a url something along the lines of tinyteens.net. you know how all the porn sites are these days so the tech didnt think anything of it and tried the url. he figured it was like any of the other billion porn sites that just had teen in the domain ..... only it wasn't. it was children .... small ones. no one did jack **** about it. the guy who took the call said he couldnt remember the username, but i think he just didnt want to give it to me cause he was afraid i was going to do something .... which i would have. that still turns my stomach and im still ****ed at the guy who took the call.