Pond/reality fighting

[old jong]

You are quietly walking your poodle by a pond and are suddenly attacked by a 35 feet anaconda!...Is there hope? :eek:

C'est la vie!

[Martial Joe]

Nope...not for the poodle.For you...run.
...HAHAHAha your awful goofy lately.Have you been taken pain killers?

[Budokan]

Old Jong, are you forgetting to put water in your bong again?

Anyway, Martial Joe is correct. The poodle is snake food.

K. Mark Hoover

[Highlander]

I'm sure your are familiar with stories of the crane fighting the snake, or perhaps the eagle fighting the snake. The lesson is that to defeat a snake you must rely on techniques from the bird systems and get the flock out of there. ;)

[old jong]

No Martial Joe!...I'm perfecly sober!...I just like a good laugh! :D I enjoy a lot what you guys can deliver as funny answers! ;)Some of you are real good ;)

C'est la vie!

[Internal Boxer]

Do you hear about to two wildlife film makers in the serengetti plain. When filming the lions the animals started getting annoyed and started loping over to the two guys. One bloke whips out a pair of Nike running trainers and starts putting them one the other guy says "You will never out run the lions in them". He replies " Fu.ck the Lions as long as I out run you!!" (Billy Conolly) :D

[joedoe]

Throw the poodle at the anaconda and get the f*ck out of there :D

Guns don't kill people, I kill people

[Stranger]

You don't have to run. I remember reading somewhere that the fastest snakes in the world only travel at 3mph. As long as you are not in their strike range you are OK. Of course this doesn't solve your other problem of owning a poodle like the other suggestion.

"Luminous beings are we."

[Stranger]

If it gets on you, you are done.

"Luminous beings are we."

[Juggler]

So Stranger, have you ever been chased by a snake?!

If that 35ft anaconda could only slither along at 3mph, I guess I'd tell my poodle to "sit... stay", and continue on a somewhat less pleasant (and brisk) stroll... away from the pond! :D

[Stranger]

No, I have never been chased by a snake. That is my point, I don't think they CHASE anything. I read it in a book, like I said. If you watch Croc-Hunter, it is always him chasing the snake, not the other way around. Snakes strike like lightning, but that is just them straightening out, so to speak. A snake is all muscle, of course it can explode in a strike faster than you could respond if you were in range. If you are out of range, turn and walk briskly away; you don't have to fear the thing running you down :)

"Luminous beings are we."

[Highlander]

Stranger ...... That 3mph doesn't sound quite right to me. We have a snake out west called a Blue Racer that will chase a human and I'm pretty sure it moves faster than 3mph. Now if you said that the fastest snake will only travel 3 mile in an hour, that I could believe. But for short distances (sprints) I think they can move much faster.

[Juggler]

I agree with Highlander.

Remember that snakes are reptiles. Therefore, although they can move quickly for short bursts, high speed locomotion cannot be sustained for extended lengths of time. Crocodiles will run at 30mph when lunging at their prey - but that lasts for only around 10 metres. Komodo Dragons can run equally as fast, but for around a 100 metres.

Another point on snakes:
Snakes cannot crawl backwards. I know this from personal experience. But they can change directions quickly. Figure it out from there...

[Stranger]

I knew that alligators and crocs were fast sprinters, but all I knew about snake speed was that one (incorrect) factoid in a Ripley's type trivia book. I'll keep an eye out on Croc Hunter :p Until I can prove what I said, I will follow your advice just to be safe.

"Luminous beings are we."

[Budokan]

There are all types of "racers" in the snake family, and they move a lot faster than 3mph. Hence the name "racer."

K. Mark Hoover

[Watchman]

Old Jong! How many times do I have to give you the answer?

Since ALL attacks by 35 foot snakes go to the ground, you must put the anaconda in your guard for an hour until it gets tired, then work for a triangle choke. I've defeated many 35 foot snakes with this method. No, really.

[greedy]

Step 1: Feed the poodle to the snake. This won't distract the snake or slow it down. it's hust that all poodles should be feed to snakes, run over, microwaved etc. I hate those little *******s!!

Step 2: While talking to a nearby video camera in a half whisper, refer to the snake as "that beautiful little baby", and take it in a choke hold.

Step 3: After letting the camera scan up and down the length of the snake, make a few inane comments about how "this magnificent creature can only be found in the ponds of inner city parks" and that it finds a mate "by attracting young poodle owners to the serene waters of the lake, devouring them in a manly display of reptilian power."

Step 4: Let go of the snake, and while it wraps you in its deadly coils call for an ad break. It works every time.....

[old jong]

Guys...I know I'm at the right place for always incredibles solutions to incredibles problems!...I fell safer now!...Thanks!...But,don't let that stop you from giving me other great ideas. :D

C'est la vie!

[joedoe]

Sneak up behind it and stick your thumb up its arse. That'll really pi$$ it off.

Guns don't kill people, I kill people

[Highlander]

As the snake comes at you release the giant mongoose you have in your pocket.

That is a giant mongoose in your pocket isn't it?

It's not ....... you just have a what ...... Oh, then never mind.

[Budokan]

First of all I wouldn't be walking no d@mn poodle. German Shepherd maybe, or a Lab or something. But not a French-fried poodle.

But if I was attacked by a 35-foot snake? Well, the very first thing I'd do is run to my nearest BJJ gym and take a lesson. Since this style is practically unbeatable in every and all situations, I figure one lesson is about all I'll need. Then I'd run back and do a sweep...uh, wait, no legs on the snake...okay then I'd shoot in and...oops, it's already on the ground, isn't it? No problem, then I'd mount it and...no, wait, that thing can really coil, can't it? Hmm. Okay, then I guess I'd go for it's eyes...aw f@ck, that's outlawed in BJJ. Sonofab@tch I'm gonna get eaten by this f@cker if I don't think of something quick...! Let's see, no fingers in any orifices, that's outlawed too. No throat strikes or groin strikes if I could even FIND the groin on this writhing tube of hungry muscles...

"Wait a minute! BJJ is supposed to be unstoppaple! Rolls led me astray! I'm supposed to win this fight! I....help!...it's got me!...hellppp---glub!"

K. Mark Hoover

[old jong]

No!...Dont surrender like that!...Fight it from the inside!...(Is it legal in the ufc?)OH..OH!.. :eek:

C'est la vie!

[joedoe]

Once you are inside the snake, you could use a bjj choke hold on its bowel, let the pressure build up, then eject yourself in a shower of sh!t

Guns don't kill people, I kill people

[old jong]

Effective but...Wait a minute!....Beeuuuarrrk....!Sorry! :eek: :rolleyes:

C'est la vie!

[Internal Boxer]

Old Jong you are a star mate. I love the fact you post a complete **** take then get loads of replies on the strategy of defeating a 35 foot snake.

Ha Ha ha . Fu.cking excellent mate. Cheers for the entertainment.

[Internal Boxer]

Old Jong you are a star mate. I love the fact you post a complete pi.ss take then get loads of replies on the strategy of defeating a 35 foot snake.

Ha Ha ha . Fu.cking excellent mate. Cheers for the entertainment.

[old jong]

Hey Internal Boxer.
It's just for the fun of it!...It takes us away from the routine too! And...Some of the guys are real humorists.
Take care. :cool:

C'est la vie!

[wujidude]

My poodle's got a mohawk. She ain't scared of no ****ed snake . . .

[frosh2786]

fight fire with fire. figh anacondas with anacondas, id just pull my pantsdown. LOL

[joedoe]

ROTFLMAO @ Frosh.

Nice one man :)

-------------------------------------
You have no chance to survive - make your time.

[Budokan]

That is a good one, Frosh. :D

K. Mark Hoover

[jameswebsteruk]

Have any of you guys seen that mad Aussie naturalist, not that ugly ******* Mark o'Sheary. This other guy is absolutely hilarious, he looks and sounds like Joe Mangel from Neighbours, he is the most enthusiastic person I have ever seen in my life.
He tries to find the most dangerous reptiles he can, and then, yep, tries to stick his finger in their butt, or otherwise torments them as much as possible.
He's got this whispering voice, and he just grabs the snake, and then:

"Easy, whoa, you little beauty, this guys getting a bit cranky, easy now!"

"Youre alright mate, youre alright!"
Later on..
"Cranky little snake, youre alright!"
Even later...
"Lovely, he's really calmed down now. What Im gonna do now, is stick my finger up his butt,
whoa! Danger! Danger! Cranky!"
Then he gets bitten, or spat on, or constricted.

Then he's back next week, just as enthusiastic as ever.
Completely brilliant. Wish I could remember his name.

[Felipe Bido]

That's Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter...

One of these days he'll get a good chunk from those ****ed crocs...

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