...and now, a joke

[Chang Style Novice]

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad...and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years.. Karl Rove, **** Cheney, Jerry Falwell.... The whole of the "Right" was there...everyone laughing...happy.... casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

[Starchaser107]

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa;)

[Kristoffer]

it was ok.. so long i'd expect a more clever finish :D I'll tell ya one later

[chen zhen]

:cool:
u made that one up yourself? if u did, then Im impressed:D

[TonyM.]

That's along the same lines as the one that ends; "Bo Derek, you have sinned!"

[Former castleva]

Ha.
It could have been shorter though,had hard time struggling through it.

Fortunately I´m not American.
I wonder how it feels like when the president expects everyone to "pray" for something,as if praying was a norm.
I also wonder how it feels like when the president (senior) does not even consider you a citizen because...well,you know.
What does CSN think,himself?

[Chang Style Novice]

It's just a recent variation on an old, old joke. I cut and pasted it from elsewhere, and it's pretty obvious whoever did this latest rewrite got a little carried away and overdid it.

My feelings for the Bush clan should be well known by now.:mad:

[chen zhen]

oh yes, say no more;)
except if it's funny, then please do:D

[yenhoi]

I saw this with bill gates once, and the punch line was "that was the demo version.."

:D

[Surferdude]

hahahahaha Dubya hahahaaha:D :p

[Chang Style Novice]

Greg Palast articulates my wildest dreams. (http://www.gregpalast.com/detail.cfm?artid=275&row=0)

[Kristoffer]

aight..

well there is this man who's son is about to have his 10'th birthday. The man think that his son is big enough to decide for himself what present he want's. So the man asks. "Hey what do you want for your birthday son?" And the boy thinks for a looong time and then suddenly he says, "yeah I know, I want ten ping pong balls, YELLOW ping pong balls!". The man (who btw is a bit cheap) thinks it's a weird thing to wish for a birthday but decides to give him the ping pong balls. A year passes by and it's almost time for the kids 11'th birthday. The man asks him just like the last year. "Hey son, what do you want?" and the boy answers him "I'd like to have twenty pingpong balls!". The man is confused... "But son that's what you wanted last year, what are you going to do with more ping pong balls?" But the son remains silent so the man just mumbles and buys him his ping pong balls. Years pass, and every year the boy asks to get more and more ping pong balls. And so comes the kids 15'th birthday. This is a big step growing up so the father says "I gotta buy him soemthing cool. No wait I'll give him 1000 bucks to spend on whatever he wants". So he gives his son the money. The next day the father asks him what he bought. And the kid goes "I've bought 10-000 ping pong balls.. YELLOW ping pong balls! Thank's dad you're the greatest!". The father doesn't understand and frankly his son's strange cravings for yellow ping pong balls makes him worried. However he can't talk about it with his son because he wants to find out without asking. So the years goes and goes and goes. Every year, more yellow ping pong balls. And so, here comes the sons 18'th birthday. The man think's to himself, "ok, enough! This time I will buy my son a car. Tha't outta make him happy!" So the man buys a nice sports car for his son. And the son looks a little strange at the car but thank's his dad. The father sees that his son is a bit dissapointed by the gift so he thinks " ahhh what the heck I'll give him 1000 000 ping pong balls, YELLOW!" The kid shines up again and the father feels releifed that his son is happy. But he can't give up the feeling that something is wrong. Why does his son want so many yellow ping pong balls? WHY!? He can't take it. That's it fo shizzle I'm gonna find out today why my son wants these yellow ping pong balls and what he does with them. Where does he stash them etc? Anyway so the father decides to follow his son that night. He sits in his car and waits a few hours. Then he sees his son drive away in his new sports car, and it's filled with yellow ping pong balls! AHA! Finally I'm gonna find out what my son is doing with the yellow ping pong balls! The father nervously follows his sons car on a distance. Slowly, he drives about 30 m behind him with his lights out. Suddenly, a big truck comes outta nowhere and hits his sons sports car! There's a huuuuuge explosion and there's yellow ping pong balls everywhere! The father looks at his son's burned corps in a sea of yellow ping pong balls...


the end :D

[chen zhen]

theres no way im gonna read all that

[Kristoffer]

takes just a few min. it's reeeeeallly good ;)

[Chang Style Novice]

What's twenty inches long, has a swollen purple head, and makes the ladies scream?

Crib death.

[Kristoffer]

Oh to clear up this.. my joke isn't a joke. It's not supposed to be funny. It's meant to trick people to listen to you talkin a long time then **** them off when they realize they will never know what the frikkin ping pong balls are for :D

MESS WITH YOUR HEAD

[Starchaser107]

4 shame csn
4 shame

[Kristoffer]

CSN, that was a GDA style joke

[Chang Style Novice]

Hey, I gave fair warning.

So, what did the Buddhist say to the hotdog vendor?

[Former castleva]

"Make me one with everything".

[Kristoffer]

:D

[Kristoffer]

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

[Kristoffer]

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

[Starchaser107]

Lucky Frog


A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it.

All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

[Kristoffer]

LOL :D

[Chang Style Novice]

former castleteva -

So the vendor gives the buddhist a dog with the works, and the buddhist hands him back a ten dollar bill. The vendor says, "Okay, next!" and the buddhist stops him, saying "what about my change?" Then the hotdog vendor smiles calmly, peers into his eyes and whispers "Change comes from within."

Kristoffer -

No, no! The altarboy says "A Pepsi and a Milky Way."

[Kristoffer]

:D

[Chang Style Novice]

Did I ever tell you guys my funny story about the Jonestown Massacre? I'd tell you now, except the punchline is too long.

[Ming Yue]

Two nuns are working hard to ensure that the new hospital they have built will be ready for the community's needy.

They are about to begin painting the interior when the first nun says, "These are the only habits we have, it would be a shame to get paint on them." The second nun agrees and they decide to cover the windows with dropcloths, strip down to thier skivvies and paint that way.

They are a ways into painting when they hear a knock at the front door.

"yes?" says the first nun, "who's there?"

"blind man", comes the answer from outside.

They look through the peephole and see a rather old man wearing very dark glasses. The sisters are excited at the prospect of helping thier first community member, and as one reaches for thier habits, the other whispers, "he can't see, let's just let him in. Besides, we're covered in paint spots." The other nun agrees and they open the door, and let the man in.

He walks in and says, "nice t its. where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[Chang Style Novice]

How do you get a nun pregnant? Disguise her as an altarboy.

[Starchaser107]

lol.

way too many nun jokes going on on this forum... some people have issues.

[Starchaser107]

>>FIRST GRADER'S TEST
>>
>>A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
>>
>>The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
>>
>>Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in
>>the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
>>the third-grade too!"
>>
>>The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
>>While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
>>the principal what the situation was. The principal told the
>>teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any
>>of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
>>The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were
>>explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
>>
>>Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>>Harry: "9"
>>
>>Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>>Harry: "36"
>>
>>And so it went with every question the principal thought a
>>third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and
>>tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
>>
>>The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
>>The principal and Harry both agree.
>>
>>Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
>>Harry: "Legs"
>>
>>Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
>>(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
>>Harry: "Pockets"
>>
>>Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
>>Harry: "Pants"
>>
>>Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
>>delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes
>>open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
>>Harry: "Coconut"
>>
>>Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
>>sticky?"
>>Harry: "Bubblegum"
>>
>>Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
>>and a dog do on three legs?"
>>(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
>>answer...)
>>Harry: "Shake hands"
>>
>>Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
>>Harry: "Yup"
>>
>>Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me..... You tie me down to
>>get me up. I get wet before you do"
>>Harry: "Tent"
>>
>>Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
>>bored. The best man always has me first" (Principal was looking
>>restless and bit tense)
>>Harry: "Wedding Ring"
>>
>>Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
>>blow me, you feel good"
>>Harry: "Nose"
>>
>>Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
>>quiver"
>>Harry: "Arrow"
>>
>>Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
>>lot of excitement?"
>>Harry: "Firetruck"
>>
>>The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
>>his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
>>myself

[Tak]

A guy is running late for work, so he's hauling ass on his way to work, in his shiny new BMW, when he sees flashing lights pop up behind him. He gets pulled over, and waits impatiently for the police officer, who takes his sweet time writing out the ticket. Finally, he's free to go, and he pulls into the office parking lot a full hour late.

He walks in the door, and his boss is sitting at his desk waiting. "This is the last time you'll be late at my company - you're fired!"

Furious, the guy cleans out his desk, packs up all his stuff, storms back down to the parking lot, and takes off for home. Angrily muttering to himself, he fails to notice that a light has turned red, goes through the intersection, and gets t-boned by a cement truck, totalling his brand new car.

Two hours later, the guy finally pulls up to his house in a taxi, drags his box of stuff out of the back, pays the driver, and walks into his house, ready to tell his wife what a ****ty day he's had. The first thing he hears, though, is moaning and panting from the bedroom, and he bursts in to find his wife having sex with his best friend!

The guy loses it, grabs his wife, throws her out of the house, still completely naked, and goes around the house in a rage, smashing things, throwing furniture around, and screaming. Finally, he turns to his best friend, who has watched silently the whole time, and says, "Now....as for YOU....."






































BAD DOG!

[Starchaser107]

that's just wrong.

but not as wrong as csn's 26 joke
which i will repeat here for ahem ..."benefit" of those who havent heard.


What the greatest thing about dating 26 year olds



there's 20 of them.

[bodhitree]

Whats the difference between a preist and acne?


Acne doesn't come on your face before your 13:eek:

[bodhitree]

How do you get a nun pregnant?



Dress her up like an alter boy;)