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IronFist
10-08-2003, 12:32 AM
These are from a book called, “Disorder in the Court,” and are quotes people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.


Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.



Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?



Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.



Q: what was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.



Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.



Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it

until the next morning?



Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?



Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?



Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?





Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?



Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?



Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female:



Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your

attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.



Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.



Q: Are you qualified to give us a urine sample?



Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

shaolinarab
10-08-2003, 12:41 AM
posted by kung lek earlier:

"come on guys, Kungfu, remember?"


there KL, saved u the trouble. ;)

:D

T'ai Ji Monkey
10-08-2003, 12:43 AM
Read it somewhere before still makes me giggle though.

I still like what a guy said about his wife's attorney during their divorce:

"He is not defending her, he is prosecuting me."
:D

That and the above quotes say all I need to know about lawyers.

Kristoffer
10-08-2003, 03:58 AM
LMFAO

muy funny


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.




Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.





Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Musicalkatachmp
10-08-2003, 08:21 AM
LMAO...the one about voodoo though I think they got that idea from David Bowie (Labyrinth)

KC Elbows
10-08-2003, 08:27 AM
David Bowie got that idea from a Carey Grant movie, The Bachelor and the Bobbysockser, I believe. It went:

You remind me of a man
What man?
A man with the power.
What power?
The power of voodoo.
Voodoo?
You do.
Do what?
Remind me of a man.

Sho
10-09-2003, 03:43 AM
Haha! Hilarious. :D

Kristoffer
10-09-2003, 05:50 AM
:D

Musicalkatachmp
10-09-2003, 06:12 AM
David Bowie got that idea from a Carey Grant movie, The Bachelor and the Bobbysockser, I believe.

Man, I thought he made that up...Bowie's coolness has just been cut in half as far as I'm concerned, oh he's still awesome to be sure, just no longer THE MAN.

Do you think know how to get a hold of the original song? I'll try looking it up on Kazaa next time I'm home...

brothernumber9
10-09-2003, 06:18 AM
After a demo one time our Sifu took us out to eat, one of my classmates made his order then the waitress said "would you like a soup or salad with that?"
my classmate said "yeah that'd be great" and proceded to sit there nodding his head.
The waitress said "well which do you want?"
then my classmate said "the super salad"
it might not seem that funny but it actually happened.
the same classmate one time ordered eggs and when the waitress asked him how he would like his eggs he said "cooked"

PHILBERT
10-09-2003, 07:23 AM
brothernumber9, being a server I get that all the time. "How do you want your eggs?"

"Fried."

Or they order breakfest, like the pancake breakfest which has 3 cakes, 2 eggs and either bacon sausage. They will just say "I want the pancake breakfest" and toss the menu down like I am supposed to read there minds. Then they go "Oh you get eggs with that? Oh and bacon or sausage?"

As far as those questions about go, some of them have to be answered.


Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

That is asked in case the person answering did not realize you said boys. Being on the stand, sometimes people hear things incorrectly.


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Perhaps a husband and wife lost a child, and after the child died, they got a divorce? My Texas Government teacher got a divorce after like 3 people in her family died. Her husband became a cocaine addict to help deal with the stress of them dying (and she was the one who they were related to) and she divorced him. So in a sense, by death, there marriage would eventually be terminated.


Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female

I've met women before in public with facial hair...:eek:


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Not a very smart doctor, when asked a question with a number answer.

Kristoffer
10-09-2003, 07:53 AM
Philbert have taken the funny part and raped it to death with a rusty pole

PHILBERT
10-09-2003, 08:22 AM
Then my job here is done. :D

GreyMystik
10-09-2003, 08:27 AM
what's wrong with fried eggs? :) i don't get it...
but then i've never ordered fried eggs so i may be missing something...

regarding the marriage/death question, if the marriage was terminated by death, it's pretty much moot to ask who's death it was terminated by to the surviving member. your example of divorce wouldn't qualify; it would be a marriage terminated by divorce as opposed to death (even though someone's death could be a defining factor).

as far as the hairy person, the problem there was not with the facial hair, it was the first word of the sentence "HE" (which cannot imply a female)

i agree about the doctor though, if they had asked "what percentage of your autopsies..." the doctor's response would have been justified.

not tryin to pick on you man just pointing out a few things :)

i do think they were pretty funny overall though... especially the last one, and the one about "oral" :D

rubthebuddha
10-09-2003, 08:27 AM
i think he's training to either be a high-school football player or work for the nypd.

PHILBERT
10-09-2003, 08:54 AM
GreyMystik, nothing is wrong with fried eggs. But fried how? Easy? Medium? Medwell? Hard? Exactly.

Judge Pen
10-09-2003, 09:07 AM
Lol.

I think I've asked a few of these questions.

GreyMystik
10-09-2003, 09:07 AM
ahh ok, i guess that explains why i didn't "get" it, didn't know eggs could be fried multiple ways :)
i always get mine scrambled...

kungfuyou
10-14-2003, 11:39 PM
LMFAOOO....CLASSIC THREAD!!! :D

Kristoffer
10-15-2003, 03:04 AM
hi hi