funny ass joke

[htowndragon]

The New Priest
There was a new priest who was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said "Next week it may help if you put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.
5. WE do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T."
8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
9. The recomended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"
10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
12. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
13. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

[Vash]

You sure that's from a Catholic church? Sounds just like one of our Baptist ceremonies.

'Cept the preacher has a $10 suit and a $15 hairpiece.

[IronFist]

Strangely enough, here's how I heard the joke:

Note the differences:

Mine has a seperate glass of vodka, yours has the vodka and water mixed together in one glass.

I have "yeah God," you have "yo God."

I have "...and Spook," you have "... and the Spook."

The manner in which David slew Goliath is described differently.

The order of the corrections is different, and yours didn't have the one about Mary.

Strange how they're different like that. Someone must have made little changes to it at some point.

-------------------

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Chang Style Novice]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Disguise her as an altarboy!

[Kristoffer]

5. WE do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."

LOL