i have cancer again

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

i had my spleen removed last friday and they called me with the good news today. the hodgkin's is back. i don't know that it ever really went anywhere. i have been getting ct and pet scans for almost a year before they were finally able to cut something out and make a diagnosis.

so im going to do a hardcore dose of chemo followed by a bone marrow transplant. my bone marrow is fine mind you (a donor isn't needed ... they'll use my own), but the chemo is so intense that it will actually wipe out my bone marrow and it will need to be reintroduced.

i haven't told any of my family yet. i want them to enjoy their 4th before getting the news. however, it would have been a very very big surprise if it came back negative with every thing that has been happening (multiple swollen lymph nodes that have continued to grow over the year along with the erythema multiforme that put me in the hospital
back in december (http://forum.kungfumagazine.com/forum/showthread.php?threadid=27246&highlight=hospital)) so everyone fully knows what to expect. i think that some of them still have some hope though, so ill hold out until tuesday.

the point of this post wasn't to leach pity, but i am very curious to hear if anyone has had any family or friends go through a bone marrow transplant or anything similar. the treatment scares me way more than the disease itself. no one has heard me complain about this surgery or any other surgery that i have had. im not hardcore, i take my pain meds every four hours on the dot, but i can tolerate pain without being a complete ***** about it. i can't say the same for nausea though. i'm a complete ***** when it comes to nausea. the thought of dealing with the first day flue symptoms for 3 weeks to a month straight terrifies me. i have been through chemo before, but it wasn't nearly as intense and my stomach very rarely felt anything more than uneasy. this is going to be a lot different. i'm looking for any and all advice on the best anti-nausea drugs available. i will demand whatever it takes to get me through this without rocking back and forth moaning like a little girl for an entire ****ing month straight.

i understand pot is great for this (completely annihilated any nausea i had during round 1) but this will not be an option for me this time around. the bmt will completely wipe out my immune system and i will be completely isolated the entire stay in the hospital. anything entering my room must first go through an airlock and be sanitized. any visitors will be dressed in full surgery garb and ingesting anything from outside the hospital will be impossible. not to mention that most people do not eat at all for about 3 weeks during the transplant.

if you know anyone who has been through this, or know any doctors who will give you advice as a friend and not a patient, i would really appreciate any recommendations.

i know a lot of you are going to want to say sorry to hear that man (those of you who aren't happy to hear it at least), but don't feel too bad for me. it sucks no doubt, but it's not like it came out of the blue. i have been dealing with the possibility for about a year and the certainty of it for about 6 months. the hardest part was hearing that it might be back or it probably is back, but we cant prove it so we cant treat it. i dealt with that **** for far too long. at least now something is being done about it and it's almost a relief. i still have a better chance of living than dying and even if it does kill me it's not a very fast moving disease. if they can do nothing for it i'd probably still get another 5 years. i'm not counting on seeing 50, but there's no way im dying before adora can understand and cope with something like that. i refuse to be responsible for a little girl being told her daddy's dead so i won't be dipping out for at least 8 to 10 years. anything after that is negotiable.

again ... im not fishing for sympathy. i sure as hell aint asking why me and i'm not afraid to die. infact i sometimes look forward to it, and if it wasn't for adora i probably wouldn't even bother with the treatment. i just want any and all help i can get on anything that will make the treatment easier.

in good news we are in the final stages of buying a 4 bedroom house with a huge fenced in yard for the dogs and ill not have to move a single god ****ed thing. one of the bedrooms is downstairs and has a connected bathroom which will be perfect for me to recover in. the basement is huge and has access to the yard so we'll be able to lock the dogs downstairs until my immune system is built back up a bit. this couldn't have happened at a better time and the house is perfect for the situation. i just hope that we can get moved in before i actually go in for the bmt so i can have a say in where the furniture goes.

[SevenStar]

:(

keep your head up, man. Like you said, you've been dealing with this for a while - you know what to expect, and we know it'll all turn out positively.

[Toby]

:( That's ****ed up, GDA. I'll be thinking of you. Good luck.

[Nevermind]

GDA, you're gonna beat this down and make it your beeyotch. Just like you did last time.

[old jong]

GDA
You have the right attitude to beat that thing once again and for all!...Feel the energy.

[Kristoffer]

You can still eat ice cream right? It's not all bad

[qeySuS]

I have nothing helpful to add except that i hope all goes well :(

And Kristoffer is indeed right, Ice Cream = Win!

[sticky fingers]

Best anti-nausea drugs apart from pot - tropisetron or ondansetron . but fuggin expensive.

good luck man

[IronFist]

Wait, the bone marrow transplant takes 3 weeks?

Will they let you listen to cool music in the hospital?

[Meat Shake]

Tie a midget to your bed. Hit him with a shoe everytime he asks a question.
Ive heard that this will make your hospital stay much better.
I wish you the best GDA.

[CaptinPickAxe]

****...I wish you the best, GDA

[ZIM]

Allright. So you're not p1ssed off about this- So I'm p1ssed off. God******! Stop the madness! :mad: :(

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

Originally posted by IronFist
Wait, the bone marrow transplant takes 3 weeks?

Will they let you listen to cool music in the hospital?

lol ... dude .... i had my ps2 and most of my games and dvds with me at the hospital for just the short time i was there for my splenectomy.

my desktop is coming with me for the bmt. ill be on dial up, so ravenshield and the like is out of the question, but i still have about 15 single player games to beat including the suffering and theif 3. plus i never have played morrowind nor have i finished ffx on the ps2. once i got sick i dove into video games with the same passion i used to put into my training. as long as im well enough to enjoy them, i wont be short on things to do in the hospital. im just worried about keeping the nasiea in check enough to at least enjoy movies.

also, just to make it clear, the bmt itself doesn't take 3 weeks. i think it only takes a couple hours or a day if i remember right. it's the recovery after it that takes so long.

thanks to everyone for the encouragment and the ice cream and miget suggestions. im gonna google tropisetron and ondansetron right now. if i can keep ahold of my job money wont be too big of a concern to keep me comfortable for a couple weeks (unless they are like 1k per bottle or something). and even if im not bringing in any money my sister and some of my friends will help me with its anywhere in the range of a couple hundred dollars to get me through the bmt.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

quick question .... from a little searching tropisetron seems to be used more for children undergoing chemo than adults. is there some truth to this or is that just what i managed to find on the net (i do not trust the net as the end all and be all of information ... i plan on calling my pharmacist after collecting a little more info).

also are tropisetron and ondansetron in the same leuge as kytril at all or way above it? i remember taking kytril first time, but didn't know if that would be anywhere near strong enough this time.

also, yeah one more, does anyone know any of the laws behind the prescription of thc pills?

[FatherDog]

Originally posted by GunnedDownAtrocity
i haven't told any of my family yet. i want them to enjoy their 4th before getting the news.

i refuse to be responsible for a little girl being told her daddy's dead so i won't be dipping out for at least 8 to 10 years. anything after that is negotiable.

again ... im not fishing for sympathy. i sure as hell aint asking why me and i'm not afraid to die. infact i sometimes look forward to it, and if it wasn't for adora i probably wouldn't even bother with the treatment. i just want any and all help i can get on anything that will make the treatment easier.

Adora's got a good dad.

Good luck, GDA. Here's hoping you're back drinking and punching midgets in no time.

[mickey]

GDA,

Only you know if this is too late; try to flip the switch off. Change your diet if you haven't done so.

Check out "Prescription for Nutritional Healing" by Balch and Balch.

Spirulina is very good for fighting off the effects of radiation. Get into beet and carrot juicing. Cleanse your system out.

Stay Strong and Fiercely Positive,

mickey

[Meat Shake]

"punching midgets"

We also call this "roughing up the suspect" or "beating the step child".
...
Or simply, "dropping the kids off at the pool."
:confused:

[TenTigers]

ok, my wife/partner was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins lymphoma-they told her to go home and get her house in order, they gave he two months at best. Seven years later, she's still here. What did she do? EVERYTHING!!! chinese meds,cleansing, juicing (I made her carrott/tang kuie/ginko/black walnut/vitex/etc every morning) liver/kidney detox/blood detox. LEATRILE.
She now is a doctor of alternative healing and has been doing many wonderous things with cancer. Her cousin, who had pharynginal/nasal cancer is fully recovered. She has been written up in alternative healing journals. She has done phenomenal things for breast cancer,etc. E-Mail her at Jade628-ask for Si-Ma, maybe she can help. Don't give up, and don't put all your faith in doctors, and pharmacutical companies who profit from you being sick. Too many people put all theior faith in western medicine and their doctors, and where are they? Do it. Just Do it.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

jade6278@what?

if you would rather pm me the addy that's cool too. and thanks ... ill be emailing her as soon as i get the addy. let her know ill be in contact and put in a good word if you can.

[Souljah]

really sorry to hear that gda :(

[kungfu cowboy]

Best of luck, GDA. Maybe you can use this to your advantage and get some washed up celebrity to come visit you in the hospital, like Make a Wish. Be sure to get pictures. David Lee Roth is training to be a paramedic (http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/blabbermouth.net/news.aspx?mode=Article&newsitemID=24106), maybe he'll stop by too.

[Shaolinlueb]

man that sucks. im sorry manb. people dont deserve this kind of crap with cancer.

[X_plosion]

Sorry to hear about your illness. Best wishes for a speedy and complete recovery.

[joedoe]

GDA, hope it all works out for you man. Stay positive.

I have a colleague whose daughter went through chemo and BMT when she was about 3. Dunno if that is going to be any help for you but I can ask him about it for you if you want.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

Originally posted by Shaolinlueb
man that sucks. im sorry manb. people dont deserve this kind of crap with cancer.

thanks man, but i have learned to accept that deserve has nothing to do with it. look at joe doe's friend .... his ****ing 3 year old. jesus christ. it would be infinitely worse if this were happening to adora and there's no reason it couldn't. thankfully it's not, but i feel sorry for any parent who's had to go through it far more than i could ever feel sorry for myself.

i don't mean to sound like i don't appreciate everyone's kind words, i do more than most of you would believe, but i just wanted to say that i have accepted the fact that illness and death do not select heir targets based on fairness or karmic achievements. he'll if they did i'm sure i'd be dead already anyway.

[Kymus]

Helen Liang was diagnosed with Lymphonitis and Cancer as a child. She wasn't given too much of an option to live either. Traditional Chinese Medicine cured it all. I read about it in the one KFQG mag with her on the cover. Have you thought about something like this? IMHO, it'd do a lot more for you than what you're facing now. At any rate, I'm sorry to hear about all that, and I wish you the best of luck

[WanderingMonk]

GDA,

Hope things work out. Good luck.

wm

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

kymus ... im trying to get in touch with tentigers wife as we speak. just need to get her email address.

i hope she's willing to work with me as i dont think there's anyone close enough to my area to make frequent visits and i doubt many of them would offer advice and the like via the web or phone. at least not those i would trust. if she survived herself she's done something right so i'd be very lucky to get in touch with her.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

if anyone else has any recommendations i'd be more than willing to look into those as well. books, people, sites, whatever.

it's still not as bad as luekemia, but im taking it alot more seriously this time around. last time i just kind of thought of it as a cold that i had to get chemo for ... i never once thought i wouldnt go into remission or that it would come back this ****ing soon.

[Toby]

Maybe it's jade628@ his domain name? See under his name he lists his profile - worth a try. If it bounces, I'm wrong.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

Originally posted by Toby
Maybe it's jade628@ his domain name? See under his name he lists his profile - worth a try. If it bounces, I'm wrong.

good idea ... ill give it a shot right now.

[edit] bah ... bounced back

[mickey]

GDA,

You may want to try contacting a practitioner of the energetic arts such as Reiki.

mickey

[Cody]

Agree that basically sh*t happens.

You have a good heart, GDA. If I had the knowledge, I'd help you myself.

I'm in your corner, Champ.

Cody

[lkfmdc]

I generally do not share this info, but at this moment I feel it is appropriate

I have survived three separate incidents of cancer in my life time. By most accounts, I should be dead, or I shouldnt' have been able to train, or I shouldn't have been able to do this, or that

Never give up, never give in.

[David Jamieson]

ross-

how did you survive? chemo? surgery? alternative? a combination of all or some?

cheers

gda- fight the good fight man

[lkfmdc]

As I had three separate occassions, things were different each time

Basicly, I used western (chemo, surgery) to get rid of the disease

I used Chi Kung and Yoga to reclaim my health

[David Jamieson]

is it your view that the psychosomatic aspects were defeated via the kungfu/qigong practice and that the drug therapy and surgery took care of the acute problems?

I would say, that if faced with this, I would definitely deal with the acute in the way you have and I would restore my bodies ability to function and heal me through practice of qigongs, nei gong and kungfu.

good for you though. maybe gda can get some advice from you on which particular practices you found to be highly beneficial from the gongs?

cheers

[IronFist]

Is that cleansing stuff good as a preventative for people who aren't sick, too?

[TheBlackDragons]

stay postive ,,,, I know this sounds crazy but anythings
worth a shot

1. when you have quiet time try to mentally go inside your body and tell the cancer The partys over time to leave
,,,,sounds stupid i know but " Thats how eddie van halen beat his cancer "


2. High doses of( Thc) ie Marijuana has been known to reduce tumors ,, research it you will be amazed at what you find


3 . I have a panic disorder I take Phenergan for nausea
it makes you drowsy though... ask your Dr ,, there may be something better suited for your needs


3. I believe in mass conciousness if everyone that reads your post imagines Pure white energy going in to your body to kill / clleanse your cancer it may help
greatly

4. Fianally i will pray for you every Night

Good luck

[rubthebuddha]

good luck gda. i hope adora and satan and (your wimmin's name goes here) have their bub handy for not only the next 8-10, but the next 80.

you know we care when we go and do math for you. :)

[mickey]

Hi IronFist,

Yes.

That is what preventive medicine is supposed to be about; doing the right things in the maintenance of your health to begin with.

mickey

[sticky fingers]

GDA

Tropisetron and ondasnsetron are in the same class of drugs as Kytril. Which one is better I don't know sorry.

You can let me know which is better when you're all healed up :)

[Ray Pina]

Hey GDA, hang in there. Focus and make it right. Fight what ya can. Accept what ya can't ..... love your family.

My prayers are with you.

[norther practitioner]

Good luck man, my thoughts are with you..

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

talk about awkward conversations ... i had to tell a buch of people about it today as if i just found out. which i hate ****ing doing .... i don't like lying to people .... but i had my reasons and this was one situation where i felt it was necessary. i didn't want to ruin the holiday for anyone, yesterday was my sister's birthday, and to be honest it was nice to have a chance to accept it mysef before having to talk to anyone about it. i still have to tell my best friend but i got to wait until tonight cause i dont want to tell him right before he goes to work. ill tell him that i have known about it for a couple days, but there are others who kept pestering me about it that i have to act as if i found out today.

i just received good news though. i told work today and they said not to worry about it they'll just keep paying me. i have had my complaints about this place, but that just kind of outshines anything i have ever had to complain about. this is a huge ****ing weight off my shoulders ... once i get the house loan finalized i can finally just worry about having cancer. it's been a rough couple months.

does anyone else know anything about phenergan? buddy at work told me the same thing. he warned me that when he took it he slept for a good 20 hours straight and then still felt sleepy. i told him that was perfect. i'd just as soon sleep through the whole ordeal if i can.

thanks again to everyone and all prayers/positive energies/whatever are more than welcome. im a hardcore agnostic so i sure as hell don't think it will hurt.

[Cody]

A long time ago, I had one of those after cold coughs that just wouldn't quit. doc gave me a cough preparation that included phenergan (allergic to codeine). worked. The most noticeable side effect was that I didn't have Any drive or motivation. Nothing mattered; I kind of was just There. When I stopped taking it, I was fine in a couple of days or so.
It's an antihistamine and tranquilizer (which probably contributed to its helping me and wacking me out).

Phenergan, without anti-cough additives is used for prevention and treatment of nausea (post-surgical, and motion sickness),
and calming/sedating.

sounds like a possibility.

Cody

[Vajramusti]

GDA- a positive example.
A friend in New Mexico had serious cancer and bone marrow transplant was the only alternative.
He went through it- patiently worked on his recovery,
got married and went back to work on his doctoral dissertation.
Best wishes and positve thoughts,

Joy Chaudhuri

[mickey]

GDA,

If sterility is going to be the result of your chemo, I sugest that you make a few deposits at your sp-erm bank-- if you have plans for fatherhood.

mickey

[rubthebuddha]

no worries there, mickey. gda already made a deposit or three -- hence adora. ;)

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

yeah ... i'm done with the reproducing thing.

thanks for the heads up though.

[BAI HE]

GDA make sure you find a hospital that has a CT/PET set up, even if it means travel. That is where diagnostic is going and is IMO the most comprehensive tool out there.

Good luck and bless,
Pete

[IronFist]

Originally posted by GunnedDownAtrocity
he warned me that when he took it he slept for a good 20 hours straight and then still felt sleepy. i told him that was perfect. i'd just as soon sleep through the whole ordeal if i can.


Are you hooked up to a catheter while you're sleeping for 20 hours? It'd be hard to hold it for that long, I think. :confused:

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

Originally posted by IronFist
Are you hooked up to a catheter while you're sleeping for 20 hours? It'd be hard to hold it for that long, I think. :confused:

someone else will have to clean me up. wont bother me a bit :)

[rubthebuddha]

that's why they're called "peons."

:o :( :o :( :o :( ;)

[Mr Punch]

GDA, I know you've got enough advice to be dribbling out of your orifices, but I'll mail my cousin who had Hodgkins (been in remission for over 3 years: looks like she's pretty much out of the woods) and see if she can give you any recommendations...

[looking_up]

Do the chemo, and try to find a chinese doctor who can help you to deal with the chemo (nausea, fatigue, etc.) with acupuncture/herbs. And when the chemo is done, maybe s/he can help you to rebuild your immune system. Use the best of both Western and Eastern medicine. Get well soon, man.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

Originally posted by BAI HE
GDA make sure you find a hospital that has a CT/PET set up, even if it means travel. That is where diagnostic is going and is IMO the most comprehensive tool out there.

Good luck and bless,
Pete

yeah i have had tons of both over the last two years. just like walls friend though, im done after this. no more scans no more nothing. if it comes back after the bmt its considered incurable by western means so there's no reason to even know about it. i mean, ill be going while my immune system is rebuilding for blood work and the like, but i will refuse all scans after the bmt.

i don't know that i can find a chinese dr. like some have recommended but i am trying to get in touch with tentiger's wife (i dont think she's asian but i guess i could be wrong). i plan to take whatever advice she gives me for the rest of my life regardless of whether i think its gone or not. the hardest part is going to be quitting smoking. i have no choice as ill be in the hospital for a minimum of 2 to 3 weeks for the bmt. i have cut way back and even started smoking filtered cigs, but i guess right now im enjoying the last month of cigerettes that ill ever have.

[Ford Prefect]

GDA,

I'm sorry to hear about your health problem, and I hope and pray for your speedy recovery. I don't know much about bone marrow transplants, but I've witnessed a winning battle with cancer first hand. When I was in high school, my mother was diagnosed with a highly developed thyroid cancer that has spread to many lymph nodes. The doctors only gave her another 2 years to live max. Here we are over a decade later and she's still with us and cancer free. Good luck with your treatments. It will be painful and uncomfortable, but it's well worth it.

[Ultimatewingchun]

GDA:

Good luck...Both mickey and TenTigers posts were real good advice, IMO.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

ok ... i spoke with nina tam and she gave a break down of all these oils and such that i should get through www.youngliving.us. ill give a break down of what she wants me to order below.

my problem is that everything comes to a little over 3 grand. now i'd gladly go 20k in debt to save my life, but my problem is that i'm not sure i have the faith in it to drop that kind of money. i have enough to drop 500 maybe, but 3k is a lot for something im not 100% sure about. i really liked nina mind you ... and what she said makes sense and she has a lot of confidence, but it just comes down to the money. keep in mind she's not charging me anything .... she's sending me straight to the distributor. im sure she gets commissions or whatever for referring me, but i don't think she's trying to rip me off at all. i believe that she believes in this 100% so thats not the issue.

here's basically what she wants me to order ... please mind any spelling errors and let me know what you guys think:

5 bottles frankencence
5 murr
3 sandle wood
9 bot helichrysum only 1 size
9 tsuga nly 1 size
5 clove
5 sage
3 lavander
5 idaho balsam fur
5 myrtle
........... these will be mixed into capsules and taken twice daily. the forula will change every couple days.

raindrop .... valor (blend), basil, thyme , oregano, cypress, winter green, marjoram, peperment, ginger, aroma siez
(from what it looks like all of the above come included with the raindrop package, but i have to double check with her)

4 pack berry young juice

2 or 3 immu power
... immu jow ... 2 tablespoons in morning
rejuvinate kit ... ples once in morning and at night
2 juvi clense

vita greens

super c.

[TenTigers]

Hey, glad you were able to connect. ok, a few things: I have seen alot of people come and go through her doors lately and it is nothing short of miraculous, and I'm a freakin skeptic.
The raindrops method literally pulls toxins out of the body. One of our little 6 yr old students had this chronic bronchitus=I mean for almost a year, Doctors had him on so many antibiotics, and nothing. Nina worked on him and bang, all better. The mom is amazed to say the least. I've seen people go through the raindrops therapy and then see all this inflamation, and then clear of their illness. It aint magic, but it sure is weird.
The wole thing about essential oils is that it is so concentrated and pure, the really big trouble is we quickly associate it with essential oils as in cheezy healthfood stores, and perfumeries, and granola heads talkin all kinds of aroma therapycrystalsprouts stuff.
As far as Young Living goes, if there was a cheaper company that had that level of purity and quality, we'd all go there in a heartbeat, but these are the ONLY guys in town. I know Nina hooked you up to get the cheapest prices, she always does that. She doesn't care about the money, she only cares about you getting healthy. Funny, we had a guy come in from NJ with that flesh-eating disease-man that was sick. he had craters and open sores. He said he's been fighting it for TWENTY YEARS!!! Now he's healing, growing new skin, and the he turns around and sez,"Y'know, this is getting kind of expensive" I have to wonder, how much did he spend on Doctors, and dermatologists over the past twenty years, and how much did he spend in one month?
I think it's all relative, but basically I understand that this is totally unknown to you, and three grand is three grand. But it's a drop in the bucket compared to chemo, and radiation, and western meds. It is hard to have faith in the unknown, but we have faith in chemo, and all that crap too. We have faith in authority figures, like doctors, policemen, politicians,our government. I have nothing to gain by you seeing Nina for your cancer. I just know what I have witnessed. Maybe you should come in and see her personally eye to eye. Watch her work, talk to the people that she worked on. See how we live. We are simple folk. We do not have many posessions, we live in what we call humble means-some would call a hovel, it's never been about money. That would be taking a god-given gift and misusing it.
Anyway, I hope whatever you decide, you get healthy. Cleanse, detox, and rebuild, your body, mind and spirit. I'm rootin fer ya.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

thank you very much for the response.

chemo and a bmt is definitely more expensive in comparisson, but the differenece is that the insurance company picks up the tab.

believe me if i had results i would never, never, complain about the money i speant. i don't care if i never managed to pay off my credit cards or whatever. i pay 50 bucks a month for cable internet so a 50 dollar a month living bill doesn't seem all that bad.

my only fear is the big if.

i have a couple of questions i would like to ask, but i definately want to meet her. i'm going to arrange a trip up there as soon as possible. one thing i was wondering is if you or her had any more info on the journal she was published in.

25 - 38% commissions on 3k isn't anything to frown upon, but it would take a special kind of person to take advantage of someone in my position or worse, and i believe whole hartedly that she is not that type of person. like is said in my previous post, i have no doubt that she has full faith in this and i do believe that she's doing this to help people first and foremost. i just have to develope that same faith in the work through research. your last response is one step towards this.

[Chang Style Novice]

Cancer ain't so bad. It's the fu(king Sagitarius you gotta watch out for.

[cerebus]

Hmmm. This won't be terribly helpful I'm afraid 'cause I don't have the specific details, but a couple of years ago I had a housemate who had cancer (not sure which kind).

Anyway, he went to a traditional Chinese doctor and received accupuncture and herbal treatments. The cancer went into remission for quite awhile. Finally, however, it came back. This time he was so positive that the TCM could beat it that he went back to the same doctor and went at the treatment with all the intensity he could.

Last I had heard (year and a half ago) he was cancer-free and training to become a TCM practitioner himself. No guarantees in anything in this world, but apparently this shyte CAN be beaten! Kick some ass GDA! ;)