This forum has been getting so intense lately...

[mickey]

Greetings,


I went to this restaurant and ordered some fresh squeezed O.J.


They sent me back a tall glass of orange juice...with a black glove in it.




mickey

[WanderingMonk]

I think that might have been mine. I'll need it back.

[mickey]

Good One!

We need to keep it light around here.

mickey

[Serpent]

Ha! This is nothing. You weren't around during the Neal Cameron days.

;)

[joedoe]

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"



*boom tish*

:D :D :D :D

[Serpent]

A guy walks into a bar with a large piece of tarmac rolled up under his arm. He sits the tarmac on a bar stool beside him and says, "I'll have a beer, please. And one for the road."

;)

I'll be here all week.

:)

[Chang Style Novice]

I gotta hilarious joke about the Jonestown Massacre.

I can't post it now, though. The punch line is too long.





:eek:

[joedoe]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up in surprise and says "We have a drink named after you!" to which the grasshopper replies "What? Warren?"









A white Russian walks into the same bar. The bartender again looks up in surprise and says "We have a drink named after you!". The white Russian looks upset, then reaches up to his neck and unzips his costume to reveal the grasshopper and replies "How the hell did you know it was me?!?!"

[Jada]

String Theory

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[Mr Punch]

Man walks into a bar with a chauffeur down his trousers. Orders a drink.

Barman says, "Can I get him one too?"

Man says, "Wish you would - he's been driving me nuts all week!".

:D





Hard man walks into a bar. Starts drinking.

Then this piece of tarmac with a bicycle insignia in white on his front walks in.

The hard man dives under a table and starts shivering, and doesn't come ou till the tarmac leaves.

Barman says, "Thought you were supposed to be hard!"

Hard man says,"Yeah, but that guy's a real cyclepath."

:eek:




Bear walks into a bar.

Barman says, "Sorry we don't serve bears."

So the bear goes to the fancy dress shop next door gets a costume as Elvis. The only problem is, the Elvis gloves don't fit but he thinks he'll chance it anyway.

Goes back into the bar, and nervously growls, "I'll have a... I'll have a..."

The barman looks at him suspiciously and says, "Why the long paws?"

:rolleyes:

[Buddy]

John Kerry walks into the bar and the bartender says, "Why the long...." Oh, too political.

[joedoe]

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve bears here". The bear angrily argues that it is blatant discrimmination. The argument goes back and forth, with the bear getting engrier by the minute, until he can't take it anymore and bites a chunk out of the bar. He promptly falls to the ground, fast asleep.

A vet happened to be in the bar, so he wanders over to check the bear out. He revives the bear, who then asks him what happened. The vet replied "Nothing to be worried about, it was just the bar-bit-u-ate" :D :D

[Serpent]

Guy goes into a bar and looks really sad. He sits at the bar and puts a small cardboard box down and orders a beer with a scotch chaser. As the barman serves him, he hears music coming from the box.

"What sort of music box is that?" asks the barman.

"Don't ask," replies the sad guy grumpily.

The barman shrugs and carries on. After a little while, the sad guy waves him over and orders the same again. Still the box is emitting music. The barman asks him again and again the sad guy fobs him off.

This goes on for some time until eventually the sad guy is quite drunk. When the barman asks him again what's with the box, the sad guy sighs and lifts the lid. To the barman's surprise there's a tiny man inside, smiling and playing a tiny piano.

The barman is aghast. "My god, what in the world...?"

The sad guy says, "I found an old lamp in my attic. For a laugh I rubbed it and a real genie actually appeared. I couldn't believe it. Except, the genie only offered me one wish."

The barman nodded thoughtfully. "And you... er...?" He looked at the box.

The sad guy looked up angrily and said, "Well, years in a bloody lamp obviously made him a bit deaf. I didn't ask for a twelve inch pianist!"

[joedoe]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a beer. He then asks the bartender if he can give some peanuts to the monkey, to which the bartender says no. The guy tells him that he has to feed the monkey otherwise it will go bananas (pardon the pun). The bartender firmly advises him that due to health regulations he cannot give th emonkey any peanuts.

At this point the monkey goes off and starts smashing pool cues and jumping on the pool table. He ends his berserker episode by picking up a pool ball and swallowing it.

A month later the same guy walks in with his monkey and orders a beer. Again, he asks if he can have some peanuts for his monkey. Remembering the destruction of the previous visit, the bartender hands over a bowl of peanuts and the monkey grabs a handful. The bartender notices that the monkey takes a peanut, shoves it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. He asks the guy what the monkey is doing. The guy replies "Well, after the last visit he checks to make sure that he can pass whatever he eats."

[jon]

A guy walks into a bar, now has a broken hip.

Two nuts walk accross a park... one was asalted.



Two of the worst jokes ever.... i love em.

[Ming Yue]

three legged dog walks into a bar. bartender asks what he wants and the dog says

"i'm a lookin for the man who shot my paw"

[Ming Yue]

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, orders a sandwich, finishes it, shoots the waiter and gets up to walk out.

The manager yells "HEY, what the hell do you think you're doing?"

The panda says, "I'm a PANDA. Look it up."

Manager gets a dictionary from his office and looks up the entry.

Panda: marsupial native to asia with distinct black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.

[Icewater]

A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "You're not gonna start anything in here are ya?"

[Ras-Tanu]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[Ras-Tanu]

This guy is walking through Chinatown and sees a building with a sign "Lars Olafsen's Laundry."
"Lars Olafsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Well, who is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?"
The old man replies:
"Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Lars Olafsen.' She look at me and say, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sam Ting.'



A guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up, "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up. Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"
The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?" Dwarf replies "I want to buy a female horth" The owner shows him a Mare. "Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyth" says the dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth, can I thee her eerth?" The dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth," he says "I can see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf & shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting him down.
"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"
:p