Writing Sample

[Water Dragon]

I'm starting to get back into writing and was hoping for a critique of my style. Let's try to not turn this into a religious discussion like on that 'other board', lol.

Blessed be the Lord my Strength, who trains my hands for war, and my fingers for battle. -- Psalms 144:1

As I step onto the mat and lock eyes with my opponent, the old familiar fear rises. I feel the twisting in my gut. I feel the racing of my heart. The knot in my throat makes it hard to breathe. Ah, fear, in some strange way you have become my friend and companion. As my world becomes hazy, I force myself to focus. The adrenaline subsides and my fear is replaced by a calm so peaceful it must be a momentary Nirvana.

I look again at my opponent. I see the fire in his eyes. I see the muscle hardened through hours upon hours of preparation. I see the iron of his will, forged by determination and pain. He is dangerous, yet the fear is gone. I am now the predator. I am the Warrior. My heart sings in joy as we advance, stalking each other with wariness and a lust for battle.

I know that no matter what happens now, I am already victorious. I have already conquered my enemy; for my enemy is myself, made manifest through my fear.

This is why I train. This is why I fight.

[MasterKiller]

Is this fiction?

[Water Dragon]

Not really, it's simply a descriptive piece.

[Reggie1]

I like it! Good description--makes you feel like you are there. Lots of active voice, too. I don't know about this sentence--

"My heart sings in joy as we advance, stalking each other with wariness and a lust for battle."

You are joyous and wary at the same time. I think you could get away with just stalking each other w/ a lust for battle.

But other than that, it's a nice piece.

[SaekSan]

I like the writing style. It was easy to read and succint enough to not wander. The verbage was well picked and it creates a good image of what you are trying to relate.

I do have to admit that I almost gave up on reading it when I saw that there was a passage as the preface.

Good luck.

[Samurai Jack]

Actually, that is the very first time I've ever seen a Christian quote that I like. It should be called the "Iron Fist Psalm". Thanks.

[MonkeySlap Too]

Call me.

[SevenStar]

Originally posted by Samurai Jack
Actually, that is the very first time I've ever seen a Christian quote that I like. It should be called the "Iron Fist Psalm". Thanks.

what about


"But now, he who has a money bag, let him take it, and likewise a knapsack; and he who has no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one."


or

"My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless. "

[Vash]

I'm kinda partial to "Jesus Saves"

[Royal Dragon]

Sounds good, keep it up!

[rubthebuddha]

WD -- are you looking more for article, short story or near-bible for your target length? that can, and should, influence how thoroughly you use descriptors.

vash -- jesus saves, but moses gets the rebound! he shoots! he scores!

[Toby]

Originally posted by Vash
I'm kinda partial to "Jesus Saves" I'm kinda partial to "Jesus Saves" by Slayer.

WD, like SaekSan I don't like bible passages so much, but it fit nicely. All in all I really liked the whole thing.

[Water Dragon]

I've always been partial to this passage from Job

Hast thou given the horse [his] might? Hast thou clothed his neck with the quivering mane? Hast thou made him to leap as a locust? The glory of his snorting is terrible. He paweth in the valley, and rejoiceth in his strength: He goeth out to meet the armed men. He mocketh at fear, and is not dismayed; Neither turneth he back from the sword. The quiver rattleth against him, The flashing spear and the javelin. He swalloweth the ground with fierceness and rage; Neither believeth he that it is the voice of the trumpet. As oft as the trumpet [soundeth] he saith, Aha! And he smelleth the battle afar off, The thunder of the captains, and the shouting. -- Job 39:19-25

[SaekSan]

From the book of Armaments:

"And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats.
And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it."



;)

[Water Dragon]

+ 5 points for SaekSan

[Marky]

Hi WaterDragon,

Good theme. Depending on what your goals are, however, you're either right on the money or way off mark, or somewhere in between. From my PERSONAL perspective, based on my own writing style, I would say you might do away with the slight colloquialisms at the beginning (twisted stomach and racing heart, and "locking eyes" might be another) and replace them with exactly what those FEEL LIKE (or what they felt like before you ever heard the words "racing heart" or "twisting stomach". As an example, "Every second became an eternity, connected not through thought or action, but by the beating of my own heart. Every pulse in my chest sent a wave of fire crashing through me; though in short time, even that sensation was drowned out. I could hear my heartbeat. It battered my eardrums, and I felt the pressure of blood against my brain"). Leave it to the reader to feel what you felt (through your excellent descriptions), instead of letting them check off a "laundry list" of feelings in their head and move on.

You also might do away with the same colloquialisms in the second paragraph (fire in the eyes and iron will, for example), or use them to reinforce an already-described deduction ("I lifted my gaze to study my opponent. For an untold time he had been observing me, his eyes at once made steel through icy calculation, and yet ablaze with the fires of aggression", would be one example, though that might be too descriptive for the writing you're doing).

Whatever you do, get rid of the "My heart sings with joy" line... Everyone's heart sings with joy in different ways, and for different reasons, and you absolutely MUST describe EXACTLY what you're feeling at that moment if you want to connect with (and grab the interest of) your reader (particularly for the general public, who's hearts don't "ring with joy" at the notion of putting on gloves and a helmet and going at it). Otherwise, most readers will probably be lazy and gloss over those words, and probably miss a great deal of meaning you had hoped to expose them to.

My final suggestion would be that you describe more stimulation from the environment (and perhaps even begin with fairly strong descriptions of outside stimulation, then show said stimulation tapering off as you "get in the mood". As an example, at the beginning of the story you might say, "I curled my feet, first the left and then the right. I let them clench the blue mat beneath them, and the thick vinyl stuck to the sweat between my toes," then right before the fight you might mention that, "The muscles of my legs burned with anxiety. The grip of the vinyl mat on my feet weakened, then faded, as my mind and body centered on my task."" The best thing about descriptors like that is that you have five senses to choose from. The down-side is that once people start to use one, they try to use all five and bore the reader to tears with over-information.

Just my opinions, of course. And like I said, my opinion may be irrelevent depending on who your audience is (yourself, friends who were there, or the general public, adults, children, adults and children, etc). I've had my writing butchered enough to know there's no right answer.

--Marky

P.S.-- Feed the passion!