Friday Joke!

[Ming Yue]

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."



:D

[FuXnDajenariht]

A man asks his boss he he could get a week off with pay to get married.His boss says "sure but you gotta tell me about the wedding when you get back", the man agrees and walks out.The week goes by, and when the man returns his boss asks him about the wedding. The man said " the wedding was great, after that we went up to the hotel room and had a performance", he says " a performance that's great". The man continues " after breakfast the next morning we had another performance", the boss says " woo another". The man starts again " after dinner that night we had a rehearsal", the boss looks at him and says " what the hells a rehearsal", the man says " no body came".

ba dump bum

:D

[FuXnDajenariht]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

[Gangsterfist]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to his crotch and orders a drink. The bartenders looks at him and says, "Hey buddy, I don't mean to pry but why is there a steering wheel strapped to your crotch?" The pirate replies, "Arrrrrrgh, it drives me nuts!"

Did you hear that public schools in mexico no longer offer driver's Ed. or sex Ed.? Yeah their donkey died (oh you know thats funny!)

[bung bo]

There were 2 blondes standing in a field and they were arguing.
Blonde A:Those are deer tracks.
Blonde B:I say those are rabbit tracks.
About an hour of this argument goes on and then they are both run over by the train. :cool:

[Ming Yue]

LOL @ bung bu!!
:D

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "**** it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[ewallace]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend is cheating on her and goes out and buys a gun. When she returns home, she finds her boyfriend in bed with a redhead.

The blonde takes the gun out of her purse and points it at her head. The boyfriend yells "honey please, don't do anything stupid". The blonde replies "shut up...you're next".


A Zen master visiting New York for the first time walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything". The vendor then makes the hot dog with all the trimmings and hands it to the Zen master, who in turn hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor puts it in his money box and begins to push his cart away. The zen master then says "what about my change"? The vendor replies "ahhh....but change comes from within."

[Reggie1]

An evolutionary biologist is having a conversation with God.

Biologist: "I'm sorry to say, God, but we don't need you any more." God asks, "Why?" The biologist replies, "Well, we've found a way to create life." God is amazed. "Really? Show me," He says. The biologist reaches down to the ground and picks up a handful of dirt. He says, "Well, you take this dirt here, and--" God cuts him off and says, "No, use your own dirt."

[ewallace]

Did you hear about the blind skunk that tried to rape a ****?

[SaekSan]

What's the hardest part of being a Tai Chi Chuan practitioner?

Telling your parents that you're gay.

[bung bo]

Another Taiji joke seen on emptyflower....SaekSan ;)

There was a taiji guy walking down the road when 3 snails came out and stripped a car and left. When the police asked the guy what had happened he said," I don't know. It all happened so fast."

Har Har Har!!!

[ewallace]

A guy walks into a bar and pulls up a stool next to a pirate. After a few drinks he asks the pirate "how did you get the peg leg? The pirate replies "our ship got overrun by some rivals and I was thrown overboard into shark infested waters. One of them bit my leg off".

Then the man asks " so how did you get the hook?" The pirate replies "lost it in a good old-fashioned sword fight".

Finally the man asks "so how did you get the eyepatch?". The pirate says "a dam.n seagull **** in my eye". The man, very perplexed responds "you mean you got blinded by a seagull crapping in your eye?" The pirate responds "no, it was my first day with the hook."

[SaekSan]

BungBo and ewallace... LOL

How many TCMA practicioners does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six

One to change it and the other five to say "that's nice but my style does it different"

:)

[Chang Style Novice]

How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?

Corn chips.

[Waxwood rod]

Two mixed martial artists are walking home from training, their names are Beef and Dirk. Dirk says to Beef, "Man, when I get home I'm just gonna tear my girlfriends panties right off." Beef asks "What's the hurry Dirk, man?" Dirk says to Beef, "The frickin elastic is killing my thighs."

[Vash]

Walking through the park one day, a man came across a lunch group consisting of a Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, a Moslem cleric, and a Baptist preacher. Seeing this as a golden opportunity, the man decided to ask each of them about the hardest thing to do in life.

The priest said, "to refrain from touching alter boys."

The rabbis said, "to not eat on one of our 10,000 yearly holidays."

The cleric said, "to burn all the infidels."

The preacher said, "to beat my wife when she's 75lbs heavier than me."

Not really funny, but very insulting.

I love it.

[PangQuan]

A short history of medicine:

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[PangQuan]

A new monk arrives at the temple. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old manuscripts by hand.

He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original scrolls. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The abbot says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point." So, he goes to the hall of wisdom in which the original manuskripts are kept with one of the copies to check it against the originals.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes to the hall of wisdom to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back room, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original scrolls crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate..."

[Gangsterfist]

Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne comes on your face after the age of 12.

A priest and a rabbi are walking in a park discussing religion. In the middle of their conversation a 8 year old boy rides by on his bike. The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "man I'd like to fcuk that!" The rabbi replies, "what outta his bike?"

A man gets into a bad accident and his pen1s gets cut off. He and his wife go visit the doctor about reconstructing it. The doctor says, Well I can give you 4 inches for 10,000 dollars, 6 inches for 12,000 dollars and 8 inches for 15,000 dollars. The wife goes, well let us think about this for a few days and get back to you doc. The few days pass and the couple is back in the doctors office. The doctor asks, so what have you guys decided? The wife replies, we decided to get a new kitchen.

[Chang Style Novice]

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her in a choirboy's robes.

[Gangsterfist]

There is a blonde walking down the street. She looks across the street and sees another blonde in a vacant lot in a large sail boat. The blonde walks up near the sail boat and says, what are you doing? The blonde in the boat replies, "Oh I am just sailing around." The blonde on the sidewalk gets mad and starts yelling at the blonde in the boat saying how she is giving all the blondes a bad rep for being stupid and giving that stereotype stigma. The blonde in the boat replies, oh yeah what you gonna do about it. The blonde on the sidewalk yells back, don't make me swim out there and kick your a$$.

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch N Sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

How do blondes try to catch fish? By drowning them.

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

[PangQuan]

This guy walks into a his local drinking establishment and takes a seat at the bar. He pull his frog out of his pocket and sets in on the bar in front of him. He motions to the bartender and asks for a beer.

The bartender notices his frog and says "Sure, but you gotta take that thing outa here, no pets aloud."

The guys says, "But this frog is special"

bartender, "Whats so special about it"

guy "It can give head to a woman better than any human can"

with that said the bartender decides to let him keep his frog there.

A nearby woman overhears the conversation and approaches the guy and says
"Hey I would like to see this little guy in action."

10 minutes later the guy and girl are back at his place, she strips down and spreads em for the frog. The guy sets the frog in position, and nothing happens. The guy gets down and whispers something in the frogs "ear", still nothing happens. After another minute of the frog just sitting there the guy kicks the frog out across the room and says.

"d@mnit you stupid frog, do I have to show you how to do this every single time?"

[YuanZhideDiZhen]

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Do you live in california? those are old *truths*. they put them there for the morons back east....

it's not the laptop but the independant thinking that saved the day from the hivers.

the girl wasn't hurt because she's *Blonde*.

[PangQuan]

not a joke but its funny anyway, go here:

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=9573

[FngSaiYuk]

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to work on his tan. Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and sunburned his Johnson. Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.

The young man's date a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast. After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain. So he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk. He experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen and found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk. With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU LOAD THOSE THINGS!"

[mickey]

Greetings,

Gangsterfist,

That acne joke was not quite right. It goes: "Acne takes 13 (12) years to .... on your face. Insert four letter word that begins with a "c" that means approach or beckon.


Now for my joke: (not a mickey original but flavored by yours truly)

Moses, Jesus and Mohammed were enjoying a good walk and talk when they came to a body of water that surrounded an island of delicious fruits. Moses walked across the water first. No Problem. Jesus walked across next. No problem. Then came Mohammed. He kept falling in the water. Moses and Jesus were really tickled and it really pained their sides to stifle the laughter. After a few minutes of this, Moses leaned over to Jesus and said, with great struggle,"Do you think we should show him where the stones are?"

Ming Yue,

See! See!! I told a clean one. I told a clean one!!! It is amazing what Perverse Joke Rehab can do for you.

mickey

[bung bo]

This guy sat down at the bar and ordered 6 shots of whiskey. After he downed them all real quick he ordered another 6. The bartender said,"Whoa, special ocassion?" The guy replied,"First bl0wjob." "Hey, good for you" says the bartender. The guy says,"Not really. I still can't get the taste out of my mouth."

[Ming Yue]

See! See!! I told a clean one. I told a clean one!!! It is amazing what Perverse Joke Rehab can do for you.

mickey

I'm so proud! *hugs*

It inspires me to tell a not so clean one:


A man goes to his doctor and asks what can be done to strengthen his erections. The doctor talks for a bit about medicines (and thier side effects) and then pauses and says to the man,

"there is a new procedure, relatively untested but the initial trials were amazing. It involves using a transplant of muscles from an elephant's trunk directly into your.. problem area. Guaranteed incredible erections."

The guy is desperate, and too poor for medicine so he agrees to be a guinea pig and test the procedure.

After the surgery, the doctor is going over post operative instructions and tells the man, "stick to a bland diet, stay home and rest, take good care of yourself... oh and try to avoid getting an erection for the first couple weeks"

well a week goes by and the man is feeling pretty good. He really can't wait to test out his new equipment so he calls his girlfriend and invites her out to a fancy dinner. They're chatting and dining in the nice restaurant, and he tells her about his new package enhancement. Wanting to see if there was a difference, she begins to quietly talk very very dirty to him, which he seems to enjoy at first. Then he gets an odd look on his face.

His ***** suddenly rips through his pants, flops onto the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his lap. after a moment, it happens again, then two more times. The man is starting to look more and more panicked.

His girlfriend is amazed. "Do it again!!" she says.

"I would", he groans, "but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."

[mickey]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Great one Ming Yue!

If you keep telling jokes like that one, I might have a relapse.

Great stuff.

mickey