Friday Jokes

[PangQuan]

Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts

The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.

The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.

The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the instructor will be sick.

The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.

After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.

[PangQuan]

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.
6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.
3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

[bigdoing]

Why didnt LLyod Banks and Young Buck get on the bus??????
They didnt have 50 cent.

[Becca]

The ref see's you score, halts the match, then you opponant sneeks in a killer right hook just after you drop your gaurd...

The day you meet that special someone will be the day after a fantastic full contact sparring session...

The sifu grading your rank test doesn't see the guy next to you blow the bow-in out of nervs but fails you for your flawless spin kick...

Sifu will never notice you practicing by yourself unless you just made a huge flub...

[Becca]

Little girl asked here mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, she's in heat."

"What's 'in heat' mean," the girl asks.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she the dog was in heat, and to ask you."

Dad told the little girl to bring Belle over. He soaked a rag with gasoline, then scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said, "There, now you can walk the dog, but keep Belle on her leash and only go around the block one time."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Suprized, her dad asked here where Belle was.

"Daddy, you didn't give her enough gas! She ran out on the other side of the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[xcakid]

The instructor will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.

After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.

.


Dude these are not funny.

I am double jointed. So I am always the Chin Na practice dummy. I am also pretty good at falling, so I am also the throwing dummy.

And right before my first black belt test, I dislocated my ankle, tore ligaments. So my test was postponed 8months. 6month for me to heal and another 3month to catch back up.

[banditshaw]

What do Michael Jackson and wal-mart have in common?










All Boys pants half off :eek:

[banditshaw]

Those three magic words after sex......


who's got next?
I need batteries
crabs??? oh ****!
ssshh...wardens coming
coldsore? my ass!
well, you tried
I'll get better!
can't get worse!
E for effort
that was amazing
You came already?!
Who are you?
Your Taxi's Outside


Feel free to add.............

[Becca]

Those three magic words after sex......


.............

WTF!
Hey! That hurt!
My turn next!

[PangQuan]

Those three magic words after sex...............


Again, again, again!

[Ming Yue]

What did the hat say to the scarf?













You go on ahead. I'll go around.




ba dum ch.

[PangQuan]

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey,
Pop! What are you doin'?"
His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank."
Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that
gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

[TenTigers]

this one's for Ming Yue.
Dylexics
of the World
UNTIE !

re-read your joke...

[Ming Yue]

Oh for sete's pake.

:o

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

why'd the kid fall off the swing?

cause he was dead.

[David Jamieson]

You know when ducks migrate how they form a big V?

You know how one side of the V is sometimes longer than the other side?

You know why that is?



































































































































































































Because there's more ducks on that side. :)

[PangQuan]

Never Show Up Late!

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!

[golden arhat]

Little girl asked here mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, she's in heat."

"What's 'in heat' mean," the girl asks.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she the dog was in heat, and to ask you."

Dad told the little girl to bring Belle over. He soaked a rag with gasoline, then scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said, "There, now you can walk the dog, but keep Belle on her leash and only go around the block one time."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Suprized, her dad asked here where Belle was.

"Daddy, you didn't give her enough gas! She ran out on the other side of the block, so another dog is pushing her home."


i once had a really loud dog till one day
my neighbor coulddnt take it any more

while i was away she snuck in and put gasoline in his food

so i went to walk him in a near by field and let him off the lead and he kept running and running and running
till he just stopped and fell on the flaw

my friend was with me asked me if he was dead

so very upset, i went and checked him

but to my surprise i found he was still breathing

so i shouted back

ITS OK HE'S JUST RUN OUT OF PETROL!!






meh i tried

[David Jamieson]

A kid is sitting on some church steps shaking a bottle of liquid when the priest steps out and says "what ya got there then?".

To which the kid replies "turpentine".

Looking up at the priest, the kid sees a small bottle on a chain in the priests belt.
Kid says "what's that?" and points at the bottle.

priest says "Oh, that's the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called holy water and if you put two drops on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a boy, one drop and she'll pass a girl!"

The priest grins, the boy exclaims "That's nothing! With this turpentine, only one drop on a cat's ass and it will pass a motorcycle!"

[Becca]

ROTFLMAO!!!! Those were all good!




An old married couple are sitting down at the kitchen table doing thier taxes. The wife sits back, piches the bridge of her nose and says, "I thing I have lost my mind."

"Now honey, that just isn't true," her husband says. "You've been giving me a peice of your mind for years!"

[Chosen-frozen]

Those three magic words after sex......


who's got next?
I need batteries
crabs??? oh ****!
ssshh...wardens coming
coldsore? my ass!
well, you tried
I'll get better!
can't get worse!
E for effort
that was amazing
You came already?!
Who are you?
Your Taxi's Outside


Feel free to add.............

Don`t touch me.
Is That it?
Now get out.
get off me
Tastes like chicken.
call my chiropracter
kill the camera
ditch the rollerskates
serving number twentytwo
what`s that smell?
but why sheep?
this your floor?
The pizza`s here

And my wife`s fav.....
Let`s go shopping!!!!!

[TenTigers]

cab fare's on the dresser.
what was your name again?
you kiss just like Daddy!
I never said I would let you go afterwards.
I thought you had the handcuff key
oboy, wait till the guys hear about this!
This was my first time, with a girl.
This was my first time, with a real girl.
This was my first time with a girl that was alive.
wait right there, my friends wanna go next

[Becca]

New Scratch and Sniff! (http://www.slabearkazad.com/sniff/)

Now you can remember they joys of this childhood favorite right from your computer!

(Let it load and turn up your sound. Trust me, it's worth the wait.)

[bodhitree]

a guy gets a job at a bar, the owner tells him "ahhh, we've got some unusual customers here, we're a vampire bar"

The guys like "hey, whatever pays the bills". He's working away and the first vampire comes in "I'll take a glass of blood", the bartender poors the blood.

A young vampire couple walks in, "we'll both have a glass of blood", again, he pours them some blood.

A group of young vampire executives come in, glasses of blood for everyone.

At this point the guys thinking to himself "6 weeks in bartending school and I'm only pooring blood, whatever, it pays the bills"

another vampire walks in and the guy says "let me guess, a glass of blood"

this vampire says "no thanks I'll take a hot water" just then he pulled out a used tampon "I'm in the mood for tea"

[BruceSteveRoy]

a pirate walks into a bar with a ship steering wheel on his d1ck and orders a drink. the bartender brings him the drink and says "whats with the steering wheel?" and the pirate replies "arr its drivin me nuts"

[TenTigers]

This girl has a party, but it's a costume party. The rules are, you must come as an emotion.
The doorbell rings and the first guest is all in blue.
"What are you supposed to be?" the hostess asked.
"Well, it's obvious, I'm blue with melancholy.
Doorbell rings again and the next to arrive is wearing all green.
"And you, what emotion are you tonite?" she asked.
"I'm green with envy!"
The third guest arrived wearing all red.
"I'm red with rage!" he exclaimed.
Then Gene walks in.
He's completely naked, except for a container of flan on the end of his erect member.
In a state of shock, the hostess said,"Gene,You were supposed to come as an emotion!"
Gene replied, "I know. This Is my costume."
"What? What kind of emotion could you possibly be?" she queried.
Gene proudly exclaimed, "I'm fu(kin dis custid!"

[TenTigers]

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father !!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio !!" yells the old man.

[bodhitree]

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father !!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio !!" yells the old man.

awesome :D

[TenTigers]

What does a White Trash chick say during sex?



"Daddy get off of me, you're crushing my Marlboros!"

[Becca]

Why Sentence structure is so important.. .

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before
but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

[GreenCloudCLF]

It's not yet Friday, but I work on Friday. Enjoy:

I'm getting quite concerned about what kids are hearing in the playground lately. This morning whilst in the doctor's surgery I saw a little girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls.

I bent down and told her, "Young lady, you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that."

To which she replied, "Oh no, don't worry, he's doing her up the s#!tter."

[Becca]

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?



Answer:


10 little piggy's, 2 calves, 1 ass, an unknown number of hares, And of course one . . .



Come on, you know you're laughing

[Becca]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this House knows HOW to change a light bulb! They Don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!



I'm sorry... What was the question?

[Lucas]

LOL

.
.
.

i started this thread 4 years ago!

[Lucas]

here's a good joke.

i miss megafist and his crazy judo katana

[GreenCloudCLF]

LOL

.
.
.

i started this thread 4 years ago!

I was surfing and found that joke I just posted. I remembered this thread, did a quick search, and BAM! History repeats itself.

[Oso]

not really a joke but maybe you will laugh...at me!

I've not been recieved email notifications about posts for about 6 months...asked Gene about it a couple of times and I swear I looked at everything in the User CP...except the email itself...yea...apparently in the relationship chaos of the last year I was using a different email and forgot to change it back...

[SIFU RON]

A new guy started my Tai Chi class last week. I was teaching some new moves to the class and he got right in and did exremely well.

During break time - I said

You move very good. Do you have M/A experience ?

No, never tried it.

How old are you ?

I'm 87.

87 !!!!!! **** you sure move extremely well for a guy that's 87 !!!!!! How do you feel ?

I feel just like a baby.

Really and how's that ?

I'm bald, got no teeth, and I just wet my pants. :)

[Lucas]

A new guy started my Tai Chi class last week. I was teaching some new moves to the class and he got right in and did exremely well.

During break time - I said

You move very good. Do you have M/A experience ?

No, never tried it.

How old are you ?

I'm 87.

87 !!!!!! **** you sure move extremely well for a guy that's 87 !!!!!! How do you feel ?

I feel just like a baby.

Really and how's that ?

I'm bald, got no teeth, and I just wet my pants. :)

LOL thats a good one. did that really happen or are you just good at making up jokes.

[SIFU RON]

Joke - sure it is :) and Tanks :) - I enjoy humor - here's some more

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aOxaiY3KH4k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-Eq5Xn23h8