very hard time with confrontations

[BornToKill]

Here is what my disease is:
"Generalized anxiety disorder is a relatively common anxiety problem, affecting 3-4% of the population, that turns daily life into a state of worry, anxiety, and fear. Excessive thinking and dwelling on the "what ifs" characterizes this anxiety disorder. As a result, the person feels there's no way out of the vicious cycle of anxiety and worry, and then becomes depressed about life and the state of anxiety they find themselves in."

http://www.anxietynetwork.com/gawhat.html#top

Laely I noticed that I subconsiously avoid conflict and show fear without realizing it. For instance I was goign into my car and saw a teenage skateboarding gang in front of it getting out of their car and trying to park it. I got in mine without them bothering me but when I tried to move out of the parking spot they stood inf ront of me and instead of honking (like was my first thought) instinct told me that this could **** them off so I just calmly told them "can you move out of the way". Only one or two mvoed and one I think stayed. This showed that the one wanted to probably test me or fight me in front of his friends. I than realized "why was I scared of him, I am tougher/fight begtter/and have nothing to lose by fighting him or even all his friends" but subconsiously mky mind and body always avoid fights and confrontations for some reason, and I am soft. I am trying to change this personality right now. Another thing is No matter how many times a hot woman walks by me it seems they don't even glance at me and pretend I dont exist or purposly try to avoid eye contact with me, and when they do make it I am too much of a coward to say anything, especially with other people around. And no matter how good I look or I feel I can never say anything and just keep walking. I feel like a coward, and later feel hateful toward myself and the world aorund me. This also translates into other aspects of my life, like I cant train or hit punching bags cause I get depressed thinking about my life, and realize no matter how tough or strong ill be ill still be a coward. This isnt just with women, I have a hard time being mean to people or telling people off in the real world without feeling extremly guilty or just not doing it. I also have a hard time setting boundaries to prevent people from walking all over me.

I often leave this cycle and am in a happy place in my life but than I don't do something I want to do, sort of a personal test. Like I mentioned I tried telling myself to go approach a woman and everytime I backed out just before I did it, than I fell back into this anxiety. Ive had previous experience like this with people being rude to me and me not reacting rudely back or with agression, this I began to consider msyelf weak and again fell back into this anxiety.

I tell myself to aproach a woman not necessairly to get laid but just to test my will or courage, but if I dont do it (which I never do) I go back into feeling like a punk. Its with other thngs as well, for instance I used to try to get into bars depsite being under 21 to test my courage even though I felt emabrassed and knew I would be turned down or looked at weird, it became easier over time and I could eventually do it easy, but things always were hard in regards to women and other things. For instance I wanted to test myself by grabbing someone for any reason, but I just cant grab people and get over the phsyical barrier, even if theyd eserve it, although I did do it once with great hesitation when my security was at risk. Another thing is argueing back, and nto letting people run over me, its often too late and I feel I was already punked. I just want to do it not to someone for nothing for someone for saying something mean to me or staring me down (like alot of people try to), because I will know that if I am in a situation like prison where I have to show toughness I can intimidate someone if I have to. I just want to do it once to see if I can. In high school some guy slapped me a few times in the face and I was too embarassed to do anything and was punked, and I dont ever want stuff like that to happen to me again, I want to be tough and ruthless. The thing is I was bullied and punked by various people throught my life and thats part of the reason I started training martial arts (boxing, muay thai, judo, etc.) but no matter how good of a fighter I get I still have the psychological issues that make me mentally weak and I think easy to punk out.


One thing I am afraid of is if I get intimidated easily. If someone causes violence against me or beats me up and I wont lift a finger but just stand there and take it because of fear of embarassment if i acted violently back or because of my passiveness. Or if I see someone get assaulted/raped/etc. I will just stand there and not do anything or walk by and ignore it.

[BornToKill]

here is another story I psoted on another board before that happened recently where a kid told me to **** off, and I didnt do anything (the ame kid also cussed at another kid he was sparring and the coach was shocked a bit and laughed asking if he really said what he thought and afterward his dad was yelling at him and said that the kid has to go somwhere because of disciplinary problems and people dont think he is getting rasied right or to show respect):

"I was in my boxing gym today and some kids oneof them looked about 12 the other 14-15 were there and the young one picked up some grasshopper form outside and brought it in to show to his brother. I was afraid he was gonna torture it so I told him to leave it alone. They ignored me so a few secs later I went outside and they were there messing with it, so I started bothering the young kid who was holding it by repeadetly telling him to stop messing with it and he got mouthy with me saying "**** off" and whose gonna do that to me when i said "how would you like it if someone did that to you." I ended up lightly putting my hand on him to show my dominance over him but realized a few secs after he said "**** off" that he disrespected me. I was just about to go over to him (at that time I was a bit away just chilling and getting some air since he already left the thing alone) and slap him on the back of the head saying "dont ever tell people especially older than you to **** off" but in the back of my mind I realized this will probably lead into his brother stepping up and me possibly hacing to fight him (a minor) or him going inside and telling the coaches and his dad I messed with him, so I decided to let it go unless he says something rude again, also at that time it was too late to do anything about it since like 5 seconds past since he said it and I already started saying different things to him."

[Mikkyou]

Heres something to help you with fear:Fear is not real unless you make it real
when you make it real it becomes a man when it is a man you are able to beat it
when it becomes a god you can still beat it it just is harder don't let fear become a god and make you his puppet.There are many positve things you can say to
deal with anxiety such as:Looking at the problem thru a rational scientific point,counting,biofeedback and so on.
If you already been dignosed with anxiety then seeing a doctor and perhaps medication might be a good idea.

[_William_]

Laely I noticed that I subconsiously avoid conflict and show fear without realizing it. For instance I was goign into my car and saw a teenage skateboarding gang in front of it getting out of their car and trying to park it. I got in mine without them bothering me but when I tried to move out of the parking spot they stood inf ront of me and instead of honking (like was my first thought) instinct told me that this could **** them off so I just calmly told them "can you move out of the way". Only one or two mvoed and one I think stayed. This showed that the one wanted to probably test me or fight me in front of his friends. I than realized "why was I scared of him, I am tougher/fight begtter/and have nothing to lose by fighting him or even all his friends" but subconsiously mky mind and body always avoid fights and confrontations for some reason, and I am soft.

You did the right thing. You had nothing to gain by being jumped by a gang of skaters.

Hey, at least this proves you aren't a ******* like a lot of people are. I'd take being soft over being an arsehole any day. Sure, work on being assertive, but don't step over the line and become an arsehole.

Theres nothing cowardly about backing away from fights if necessary, or in avoiding fights. You can't just beat up everyone that starts with you. Theres much more to life than being a badass, you know. If you keep trying to be one, you'll become nothing more than a bully.

Don't be so down on yourself, btk.

[Mortal1]

All these fears stem from a basic insecurity about who you are as a person. Once you find out who you are and what you want you will be better off. Try to ask yourself why am I afraid, if I have all the tools to handle a certain situation.

You need to love yourself. It sounds easy but many of us don't. The key is to make yourself someone you could love. I do this by excelling at work, at kungfu, at handball, meeting women. Developing different skills and attributes. If people see you pushing yourself harder than anyone else that is another way to win the respect of your peirs.

With the skaters I would have matter of factly asked them to move. If they didn't I would have drove right threw them. Watch how fast they get out of the way.

When people see this self respect and confidance they will clear the way for you.

[hellhound]

I have generalized anxiety and take medication. However I wish someone would be stupid enough to give me a chance tear out a body part and beat them with it, medicated or not. So what you have there is just fear and not a chronic illness IMHO.

Generalized Anxiety has more to do with bad nerves. So in my opinion I would be more likely to jump at someone the first chance I get instead of away from them when not on any medication just from being stressed.

[Chief Fox]

Dude, you don't have a disease. You have a serious lack in confidence.

Standing up to a bunch of skaters becuase you want to be tough or ruthless could get you killed if you're not careful. Think about it, while you're off being "ruthless" to one of the skaters, what's to stop one of his buddies from stabbing you in the back.

Being a d!ck to a 12 year old doesn't make you tough, it just makes you a d!ck.

Chicks don't give you the time of day because you lack confidence not because you're a punk.

Attacking someone isn't going to make people respect you. It may make people be afraid of you. It may make people think you are crazy. It certainly won't make the chicks dig you.

Don't let other people dictate how you feel about yourself. Who cares if they don't like you or respect you. Try being a good person who is nice to other people. So you're uncomfortable talking to chicks. Big deal! I don't know one guy who wasn't at one time or another. You don't have to say much. You'd be surprised how far a smile and a hello can go. Small talk is an art form. Some people are really good at it, some aren't. If you want to get better, you have to practice.

[Samurai Jack]

There is some valuable advice here. It seems to me that alot of your problem also stems from trying to base your self-worth on what others think of you. The fact is that you cannot possibly know what these people you were conflicting with were thinking. You appear to be chasing phantoms here, trying to build up your self-esteem and emotional integrity by getting people to treat and think of you a certain way. This is all backwards, but a suprisingly common problem. If you work on yourself first, then the behavior of others will eventually follow, but this should not be your goal. That's why your attempts to impress others by "testing yourself" with risky behaviors are going to fail every time.

I suggest that you try some sort of personal development discipline. I've found Zen meditation and psychotherapy to be very valuable, but if these things turn you off, an assertivness course and perhaps a dating service could help. The former options would help you to come to terms with the mental baggage that you're lugging around, while the later would give you some practical strategies and a safe place to practice them.

The key is to recognize that what you've been doing (trying to pick fights, pick up girls, parent other's children) hasn't been working for you. Therefore, you should abandon it.

Work on yourself, and your environment will follow.