View Full Version : Martial arts jokes
greensage22
10-21-2005, 03:59 PM
this thread is for the best martial arts jokes you can think of, or remember.
Ou Ji
10-21-2005, 04:28 PM
Dude you are so lame.
You want to start a jokes thread at least post the first joke.
Don't anyone post a joke until greensage22 sets the pace.
IronFist
10-21-2005, 05:03 PM
wow, two n00bs fighting.
GeneChing
10-21-2005, 05:09 PM
That's a good joke!
Ou Ji
10-21-2005, 05:23 PM
wow, two n00bs fighting.
Where? Where?
*** quickly looks around ***
David Jamieson
10-21-2005, 05:50 PM
Ima gonna reiterate my favourite MA joke of th year anyway.
Q: What's the hardest part about doing Tai Chi?
A: Having to tell your parents you are gay.
Still laughing here, heh heh
schwarzdragon
10-21-2005, 06:50 PM
I don't think that this is an appropriate topic to post. Martial Arts practice represents our attempt to survive in a violent and unpredictable world. If some of the passengers on the planes that hit the World Trade Center had studied Martial Arts, then they may have stopped the event from happening. Maybe it was the Martial Arts training of some of the passengers on the 3rd plane that prevented the White House or US Capitol from going up in flames. It's all about overcoming our fear of the unknown. Our greatest fear is death. Let's stop trying to be funny and learn how to approach life in a more serious manner. If not, then join a comedy forum instead of making a mockery of kungfu magazine.com
bo_hou_chuan
10-21-2005, 07:17 PM
I don't think that this is an appropriate topic to post. Martial Arts practice represents our attempt to survive in a violent and unpredictable world. If some of the passengers on the planes that hit the World Trade Center had studied Martial Arts, then they may have stopped the event from happening. Maybe it was the Martial Arts training of some of the passengers on the 3rd plane that prevented the White House or US Capitol from going up in flames. It's all about overcoming our fear of the unknown. Our greatest fear is death. Let's stop trying to be funny and learn how to approach life in a more serious manner. If not, then join a comedy forum instead of making a mockery of kungfu magazine.com
Calm down Francis.
The funniest thing I ever heard was this Tai Kwon Do guy telling people he knew how to fight. :: Poke with stick :
IronFist
10-21-2005, 07:44 PM
Or n00bs taking offence :D
David Jamieson
10-21-2005, 09:40 PM
lol @ shwarzdragon
man i'll bet you're a hit at funerals!
Mr Punch
10-21-2005, 11:06 PM
Hahahahhhhaaaaaaa!!! Good one Schwarzdragon, that was really funny! Bet you look silly doing kung fu too! :D :D :D
Yeah, I love that one David, still gets me laughing.
How many chunners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
50. One to hold it and the other 49 to talk him round in circles about the best way to do it.
How many chunners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A straight line is more efficient. A straight line is more efficient... repeat until vomiting
Ohhh Schwarzy, you're a chunner... that explains the lack of a sense of humour. Keep practising those straight punches, they'll finish anybody, especially in volleys of thirty or forty... Looks like you've got the straight face down to a 't'! :p :D
viper
10-22-2005, 12:31 AM
Im a chunner mat i thought that was a decent joke my sifu will find that one funny nothin wrong with havin a laugh. Swzchdragon i see your point but if you always see the serious side ull never find fun. Ma is fun and serious all at the same time.
bodhitree
10-22-2005, 05:05 AM
Ima gonna reiterate my favourite MA joke of th year anyway.
Q: What's the hardest part about doing Tai Chi?
A: Having to tell your parents you are gay.
Still laughing here, heh heh
:D :D :D
Dude, awesome!
bodhitree
10-22-2005, 05:08 AM
Funniest martial arts joke
Stephen Segal;)
schwarzdragon
10-22-2005, 05:47 AM
How many lame posters does it take to bog down a website? Mat, etc.
bodhitree
10-22-2005, 06:49 AM
schwartz
not too funny.
bodhitree
10-22-2005, 07:10 AM
How about this, I'll post some questions, you guys make the punch lines!
What is the real reason for a kihop(aaaayyyyyyeeeeyyyyaaahhhhh screem)?
So a shaolin monk and a copueala (sp????) guy go into a bar, the capeala guy says to the monk, 'so why don't you guys drink' to which the monk replies......
heres one rip
your mom does shaolin do!
bodhitree
10-22-2005, 07:13 AM
whats the best that wing chun has ever done?
Everybody have fun tonight!!!
GunnedDownAtrocity
10-22-2005, 10:13 AM
How about this, I'll post some questions, you guys make the punch lines!
So a shaolin monk and a capoeira guy go into a bar, the capoeira guy says to the monk, 'so why don't you guys drink' to which the monk replies......
... go fu ck yourself.
GunnedDownAtrocity
10-22-2005, 10:16 AM
Q: What's the hardest part about doing Tai Chi?
A: Having to tell your parents you are gay.
lol @ shwarzdragon
man i'll bet you're a hit at funerals!
david ownzors this thread with teh powerz!
GunnedDownAtrocity
10-22-2005, 10:19 AM
whats the best that wing chun has ever done?
shown the world that 2 masters fighting really can look like a jacki chan movie. a really really bad jacki chan movie. one where hes retarded and beats up crippled kids.
bodhitree
10-22-2005, 10:43 AM
:D :D :D :D :D
good GDA!!!!
I'm laughing.
so far, tai chi joke is the best.
GunnedDownAtrocity
10-22-2005, 01:53 PM
:D :D :D :D :D
good GDA!!!!
I'm laughing.
so far, tai chi joke is the best.
yeah i like my wing chun joke, but david's tai chi joke definately chokes it out.
mickey
10-22-2005, 04:43 PM
Please let me try one!
Sandy came by Irving's porch all bruised up. Irving asked, "What in the world
happened to you?"
Sandy replied, "I stopped by this Tae Kwon Do school that promised me a 5rd degree Black Belt in one day for $1500.00. The Master told me that he only takes cash up front and that I would have to put on eyeblinds as a form of initiation."
Irving asked, "And?"
Sandy replied, "I was anxious. I got the funds and paid the Master. He then put the eyeblinds on me and began pulling me by the arm. I thought he was taking me to a park for a special swearing in ceremony. We walked for ten minutes. Then we both came to a stop. He let go of my arm and then I heard the sound of glass shattering, followed by the sound of steps beating away from me. A voice inside told me to keep those blinds on but I did not listen. When I took them off, I found myself standing in front a window with a hole broken in it. The sign above read Big Leroy's Soul Food and Fish n Chips......."
Another mickey original!
Once upon a time, in Taipei Taiwan.
Student A has been practicing under the teacher A.
Student B has been practicing under the teacher B.
One day, student A saw how student B practiced and said that you did everything wrong. It is a joke.
Student B was all upset and went to talk to his teacher and asked why.
Teacher B said.
A dog does not know how a cat fights.
A cat does not know how a dog fights.
We may not teach the dog to fight like a cat.
We may not teach the cat to fight like a dog.
Student B said Hunh?
I came by and said;
When we see somebody is doing something differently or not exactly the same way we do things.
We ask first why? may be there is a good reason for the difference.
The main thing is that do not judge too quickly just because people are doing things differently from our own.
:D
GunnedDownAtrocity
10-23-2005, 12:31 AM
why did the traditional martial artist cross the road?
to get the the mma school.
Wong Fei Hong
10-23-2005, 06:02 AM
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for
the gold medal. Before the final match, the American
wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget
all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost
a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you
do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The
American and the Russian circled each other several times
looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged
forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the
dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the
trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was
lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer
from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to
see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit
the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top
of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that
hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes
and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I
thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of
strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as
hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you
bite your own balls!"
David Jamieson
10-23-2005, 06:34 AM
I swear. Some of you guys are as funny as an empty care package. :p
viper
10-23-2005, 06:39 AM
wong fei hong that is he funniest one so far really made me laugh alot anyone can find that funny to thats what i like.
I thought that it was a headbutt to the groin. or Iron head/ Tei Tou Gong.
Biting is not allowed. I think.
:D
mickey
10-23-2005, 11:45 AM
GDA,
That was a really good one! Nice twist at the end.
mickey
PangQuan
10-23-2005, 12:50 PM
I thought that it was a headbutt to the groin. or Iron head/ Tei Tou Gong.
Biting is not allowed. I think.
:D
the american bites his own balls because his head is near them from being pretzeled. the pain from biting his own balls gives him the strength to get free...:)
PangQuan
10-23-2005, 01:02 PM
ya, lol.
i think i would just take the loss.;)
Without derailing the thread too much.
There was a monkey king borne out of a rock. His name was Sun Wu Kong. The last name was Sun. Wu Kong was a buddhist name meaning understanding emptiness.
He jumped a thousand miles, saw as far as the horizon and was able to ride the cloud and the mist.
He used the giant pole or Ding Hai Shen Zhen or stablization needle for the east China sea as a weapon.
He was undefeated by all the heavenly army from emperor Jade.
However, no matter how hard he tried. He could not escape the Buddha palm.
Meaning that no matter how fast your kicking feet and punching fists; no matter how fast or how strong you are.
We are all within the bounds of reasons or Li or truth Zhen Li.
The force of nature or being right, following the way/dao of the nature or truth is way greater than our physical force with feet and fists.
--
:)
TenTigers
10-23-2005, 01:49 PM
Everyone is all excited about Brazilian Jiu-Jutsu, thinking that it's practically undefeatable.
But Spanish Judo is deadlier still.
"What's Spanish Judo?" you ask?
Judo know if I got a gun,
Judo know if I got a knife,
judo know if I got a machete...
TenTigers
10-23-2005, 01:50 PM
what's judo?
it's what they make bagels out of!
TenTigers
10-23-2005, 01:57 PM
two guys, one, an ex-marine, the other a patch holder, are sitting at a bar, drinking, and they get into an argument.
The one guy gets up, puts his hands up in knife-hand position and yells,
"Haaaaiiii-Yaaaaa! Karotty! Okinawa!"
The biker whips out a ballpien hammer from his belt,cracks him over the head, knocking him out, turns around back to his beer and says,
"Hammer. Sears & Roebuck"
TenTigers
10-23-2005, 02:14 PM
How many Hung-Ga guys does it take to put in a lightbulb?
Four-one to screw it in, and the others to say, "That's pretty good. We do it a little different"
How many Wing Chun guys does it take?
Four-one to screw it in, the others to say, "Your method is actually a modified way of screwing it it. We have the original method, which is far superior, because we stand like this when we turn it, and...."
How many CLF guys does it take?
ten, one to screw it in, eight to admit that although they all do it slightly different, it is still screwing in a lightbulb, and they are all electrician brothers, and one to say, 'Nooo, you guys are all doing it wrong because you don't recognize my legend of the first guy to actually invent the lightbulb before Edison, was actually Tesla, and Edison took credit as being the founder..."
How many new age Tai-Chi guys does it take?
None. It's not really about screwing in the bulb, because the very action of screwing like movements opens up the meridians, and activates the ch'i , which will bring enlightenment, in which case the bulb is no longer neccesary.
How many ninjas does it take?
None. We will wait...in the dark....ready to strike
TonyM.
10-23-2005, 06:13 PM
and Ric has pulled ahead of David and GDA in the MA joke race.
Lohanhero
10-23-2005, 09:02 PM
ninja: a confused individual who likes to sneak around
ninjitsu: the art of being confused and sneaking around in your pyjamas
Kung fu:
A generic term for a majority of the Chinese martial arts. Many of these arts involve the emulation of animals. Many students of Praying Mantis spend years attempting to obtain the other 4 legs while students of Monkey Kung-fu tend to find themselves being carted off by men in white lab coats.
Kendo:
A strange and unusual past-time involving hitting each other with sticks and making in-human sounds. Could be a cult??
Mr Punch
10-23-2005, 09:40 PM
LOL at Ten Tigers!
Here's some wing chun babies from before...
http://martial.best.vwh.net/forum/showthread.php?t=38128&highlight=wing+chun+humor
bodhitree
10-25-2005, 08:44 AM
This crack head came up to us after training, trying to get some money from us. He asked what we were doing so we told him, to which he replied
'oh, i know all of the martial arts'
We said we know your specialty is 'crack quan'
true story, not really a joke.
bodhitree
10-25-2005, 08:46 AM
In one lion dance performance my pants fell down, the tail for about the last 30 seconds had to hold my pants up.
I guess i hijacked this thread and made it into funny MA stories.
45degree fist
10-26-2005, 01:34 PM
Why are BJJ guys so defensive about ground fighting effectiveness?
You would be defensive too if you rolled around on the ground with half naked men for hours at a time.
bodhitree
10-26-2005, 04:42 PM
to go along with David J's and the last joke
WHats a taiji guys favorite posisition?
white crane, no ward off, no, wuchi, no
Bottom of the mount, ooooohhhhhhh yyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh;)
David Jamieson
10-28-2005, 09:46 AM
Not ma joke, but because I brought it up in the 'art' thread.
Q: What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're masturbating?
A:Your ears
GunnedDownAtrocity
10-28-2005, 11:06 AM
god ****it dave ... im never gonna be able to win this thread if you keep pulling **** like that out.
PangQuan
10-28-2005, 11:18 AM
How many traditional martial artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, their techniques are too deadly, they would break the bulb.
GunnedDownAtrocity
10-28-2005, 11:47 AM
lol ... thats pretty ****in good too.
Mortal1
10-28-2005, 12:01 PM
I still think the taichi joke is the best! lol
PangQuan
10-28-2005, 12:33 PM
Three chinese martial artists, a crane, eagle claw, and monkey stylists finished climbing the summit to a magical mountain. The magic the mountain contains is in the form of a cliff.
Its said when you jump from the cliff any name you shout will become your new form.
First the Crane master jumps off the cliff and shouts the name of his style, his glorious wing span carries him to his new life.
Next the Eagle Claw master jumps and shouts the name of his favorite eagle. Naturally he soars off to the heavens.
Just as the monkey master jumps he realizes that monkey's cannot fly, in an act of stress and fear he shouts OH CRAP!!
and with that he became a tae kwon do practitioner, and fell to his death.
brothernumber9
10-28-2005, 01:21 PM
what did Bruce Lee order when he went to burger king?
answer:
WHOPPAAAAAAA!!
what did he order to drink?
answer:
WAATAAAAA!!!!
bodhitree
10-29-2005, 05:08 AM
brother#9
f***ing funny man!
There was a pair of bronze bull statues in the front gate of Taipei New park.
One day the teacher saw me watching the bull.
He said do you know how did people discover the fighting methods of Ba Ji fist.
I said I duno.
"by watching how the bull is lying down or Wo Niu".
I said que?
"think about it, will you SPJ"
---
:D
From the stamping feet, fist, elbow push, shoulder, hip kao to knee push etc.
Wow, it is like a bull lying down on you.
:D
Why did Dong Hai Chuan ask Cheng Ting Hua to practice muddy walk?
I said that to practice the secrets of light step which is the key of Ba Gua walk.
My brother said no. Cheng was used to Shuai Jiao so he needed to lighten his steps, while other students have fast kicks so they did not need learn to do muddy walk.
which is it?
:confused:
How did Zhang San Feng discover Tai Chi fist?
One day he was very drunk from drinking too much wine and fell into a lake.
People jumped in the water and tried to pull him out of the water.
Every one got throw out by him.
And then there was the gods of the turtle and the snake showed up in the clouds and said that sink your Qi to your Dan Tian or Qi Chen Dan Tian.
Zhang San Feng started to assume a high horse stance and focus to Dan Tian.
He then started to raise both arms slowly to shoulder level. People then were able to pull him out of the water.
Once on the ground, he then lowered his arms and spit out some water and wine.
There were 2 fishes jumped up from the lake in pair of a circle.
That was how he started to think about why people were not able to near him and got thrown out.
Hence the creation of Tai Chi fist.
hint: it is a story intended to be a joke and failed.
:D
TonyM.
11-01-2005, 06:27 PM
Sorry folks. The true mastery thread puts all this to shame.
Samurai Jack
11-02-2005, 07:37 AM
How did Zhang San Feng discover Tai Chi fist?
hint: it is a story intended to be a joke and failed.
:D
And I thought British humor was tough to dig.
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