How has your internal training changed you? Can you live with it?

[Kaitain(UK)]

I'd like to cite an example of the changes I've experienced

Last Saturday my wife woke me up with the stunning news that someone was kicking my car door in (3.30am on my birthday - what a start)

I ran outside with my baseball bat and the guy had stopped. He was not acting threateningly towards me or my car (which was not badly damaged anyway) - he was drunk and in a right state because he'd been dumped after 5 years. I got this in a 5 second sobbing apology before he ran off up the street.

The old me would have hit him as soon as I got outside - that was what I was expecting to be doing when I ran out the front door.

What I experienced was a calmness I haven't felt before - the adrenalin was there but I was emotionless. No anger, no fear, nothing.

I really didn't care about the car once he'd stopped - I just wanted him to go away. I was completely disinterested in attacking him. Once he'd gone I reported the incident to the police so I could make an insurance claim if necessary. Then I came back inside, had a drink and went back to bed.

Now for the second part of my question,
I'm finding it hard to live with myself after this event - there is a part of me that feels like I was a coward and that I should have battered the guy. It's a small nagging voice that refuses to go away. In my heart I know I did the right thing, that if I had hit him I'd be feeling incredibly bad for doing it - but the neanderthal in me would have been satisfied....

Maybe this is what my Sifu means when he tells me 'It is a hard thing to walk away from a confrontation' - I used to think he meant getting out of the situation was the hard part, but now I think it is making peace with yourself afterwards.

I'd like to hear your opinions on this - similiar experiences etc...

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

[cagey_vet]

sure, every day things happen to me where i go:
"oh crap! i wouldnt be able to have known this
10 years ago!", when dealing with perception and esoteric
ability.
see, my teacher simplified something for me recently...
aspects of taoist training attempt to unite both sides of the brain.
in this scenario, the cognitive side, and the subconscious side.
the cognitive side basically calculates what we know
from experience. the subconscious side has all our hidden
secret stuff. to break down the barrier between these
gives the hidden side more visibility in our every
day transactions and perceptions.... so while different from
your original conclusion, i add that after a while,
internal practitioners may have different 'sensitivities' when
evaluating a situation, whether they like it or not.
sounds flaky, i know... i didnt think it was possible either at first
really, thinking that it would never happen to me, i
just want to learn how to defend myself, not be some
sorta psychic... but its not that way, its very subtle,
but i am glad for it because the notion has bailed me out of
quite a few situations where pure logic would
have gotten me in plenty of trouble... see i have
a fascination (or a knack) for getting myself into
situations that may put me in harms way... i like to
see how my mind and body react. my attitude is like
if i dont do this then i will never know how it feels if i didnt, and i certainly
couldnt have a conclusion about it.

instead of speculation,
i want my own proof... i guess its called 'living'!

[Waidan]

Hey Kaitain, look at it this way:

The "old me" would've bashed on the guy, because at least some part of me would've been worried/affraid and wanted the advantage of initiative. I may have resorted to violence right away, rather than give him the opportunity to duff me.

The "new me" would aproach the situation calmly. I'd know that if the guy attacked me, he'd get his butt handed to him. Knowing I'm not in any real danger, I'd be able to restrain myself, and act in a reasonable manner. No one is the worse for it.

So, which one is the coward?

[Stranger]

I agree with Waidan. When you are confident in your skills, you have the luxury of not going into a panic driven pre-emptive strike. Sometimes this will allow a fight to be avoided, as in Kaitan's case. Other times it may serve for you to have an instant to sus things out (lurking friends, weapons, police who can do the job for you, etc.) Is a full grown man a coward if he does not immediately respond with violence from a spolied child's threats?
PS this doesn't mean to prejudge and write people off as threats, just have faith in the many hours you have logged training. If you haven't been training you have every reason to panic.

"Luminous beings are we."

[MaFuYee]

k;

if you feel you're losing the 'old you'... don't worry, we never really much liked him anyway.
;)

"You can always get someone to do your thinking for you." - Gordie Howe on why he never wore a helmet during his 30-year pro hockey career, but always wore a cup.

[Kumkuat]

How has internal training changed my life? Well, I open/close doors differently now. I sink, try to make relaxed connection from my hands to my leg and push the door open. I also try to lift stuff (light things, not heavy things) the same way to. That's about it.

I guess I can live with it. I wish I was a little better at it so I can do it faster so people won't stare at me while I'm fixing my posture and body alignment when opening/closing doors.

[The Willow Sword]

Good Topic, by the way. the internal has been changing me for the last 10 yrs. i have shed the wanting to compete and fight for trophies, i am not as angry as i was as a boy at the world for the ****ty life i had growing up. my hatred for little dogs has changed,,now i love them dearly,,ha ha. when i spar an opponent for practice i am happy and i am happy for the person who i am sparring with(its always a good exchange) but most of all the internal arts cuopled with my native american spiritual views has helped me to really connect with the natural world and with people. i admit i will get harsh at times. i will get defensive. i am still changing,,but all in all the internal arts have helped make me a better person a better martial artist and above all a better teacher.
many respects, willow sword

Whatever you think i am or want me to be,,, i am.

[Kaitain(UK)]

MaFuYee - thank you for the sentiment :)

Thanks for your thoughts everyone - it has made me feel a lot better

When I went outside I definitely had no feeling of danger at all - so I do actually buy into the 'calm assessment' stuff, as well as the 'heightened awareness'

I definitely believe I have (and still am) changed for the better

It is heartening to know people have experienced similiar events/revelations

btw - I do all the weird opening doors stuff as well

"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?"

[passingthru]

Cowardice? On the contrary, your attacking this man, with a weapon no less, would have been an act of brutality as you felt no personal threat, and he had discontinued his previous loss of control.
Your training made you think twice, to question what drives your behavior.
With martial arts training can come increased accuracy of judgement in terms of the intent of another person. That's the first step. The second is to realize that there is no need to escalate to a physical confrontation unless it is necessary for defense, to escape harm, but not to prove a point to one's self or to stroke the ego in public.

Whatever training I have had has changed me in terms of understanding intent very quickly. On the other hand, there can be a false security in this. There are people, some of them highly trained, who can do terrible harm with a benign appearance and subtle shifts of energy. So, the latest lesson I have learned is that while one should make use of the training to temper one's reactions, one's guard should be maintained to some degree during a potentially aggressive encounter, and when in contact with a person who has enough training (Master's level especially) to use it in ways that are not ordinarily apparent. What I have learned has made me less trusting.
I have also learned that to be too diplomatic and depend on others to set an unjust matter straight so as not to rock the boat, is unwise. I am still basically honest, peace loving, and in awe of the energies that surround us and are part of us. I must say that I am not in awe of anyone who posseses more knowledge on these things than I do, nor do I necessarily expect them to be better in heart or spirit than myself. That has been a major disappointment to me. I have recently read on one teacher's website that while some people are more evolved or knowledgeable than others, no one is better than anyone else. That is a paraphrase. I hope he means this, and I will probably look into it. If he doesn't, it would not be a safe encounter for me.
I guess this is more than you asked. I've learned hard lessons that went beyond the usual self defense issues. I'm okay with the latter issues. The other lessons are not so easily lived with right now. Disillusionment rarely is. But, in losing the illusion, one gains a certain freedom. This is the tip of the ice berg, re how training has changed me.

passingthru

[brucelee2]

Passingthru-

I was intrigued by your post (and by your profile). I'd like to hear more about your experiences with intent and subtle energies. You can email me through my profile if you wish.

gary