Coping with Anger?

[CaptinPickAxe]

I have a question about a situation that came to head tonight. I was pushed tonight from the realm of words to that of the physical. I'll be the first to say my anger got the best of me. I crossed the threshold and took it from a heated arguement to me...well...punking physically another person. I was the aggressor, so I'm not at liberty to discuss exactly what transpired tonight. However, I can tell you that a week of apathy on top of constant **** talking, and being called out tonight brought me to a level of physical anger. I was a single breath away from maiming this kid. I went to strike him but at the last second had a lapse of common sense and unballed my hand, slowed the punch, and pushed the **** out of his head. No marks, no strike.

My question is this: When you are in a situation you cannot escape, and the boundry has been crossed and you are ready to get physical, how do you relax? I'm not looking for sitting and meditating, doing Qigong, or alligning my chakras. Is there any insight to help me cool down in a heated situation like this?

[lunghushan]

My question is this: When you are in a situation you cannot escape, and the boundry has been crossed and you are ready to get physical, how do you relax? ... Is there any insight to help me cool down in a heated situation like this?

If you can't control yourself physically in a situation like this, that's really bad. It's one thing to shout and yell insults and stuff, but if you really can't control yourself physically, then that's really bad. That's how people wind up in jail.

Usually though when people lose it like this it seems like it's due to other stress in their lives, like having a hard time paying the bills, work related stress, etc. They're kindof like on hair triggers already.

It sounds like it built up to this situation, so really you were reacting with anger for a while now. It seems like maybe you need to defuse your anger before it reaches critical ... take it out on the punching bag, go out to the garage and break something, consider that the guy is a just a punk, cool down BEFORE it reaches the level where you want to take somebody's head off.

When in doubt, hit the wall or something instead of the person ... it will leave a hole and maybe hurt your hand but at least you didn't hit the person.

Anyways, it sounds like you did control it, so no harm ... I have a friend who is a lot of times on a hair trigger. He tried Prozac but then he gets really moody when he's off. But he seems to be able to recognize when it's happening now, and he goes out and gets away now, goes and splits wood or hits the bag or something instead of taking it out on people.

[djcaldwell]

My question is this: When you are in a situation you cannot escape, and the boundry has been crossed and you are ready to get physical, how do you relax? I'm not looking for sitting and meditating, doing Qigong, or alligning my chakras. Is there any insight to help me cool down in a heated situation like this?

Personally, it takes A LOT to get me that angry but my trick before I do is I laugh. It ****es the other person off tremendously (and that's part of why I do it too) but I will just stand there and laugh at you and walk right past you laughing.

The other thing I have to admit works all by itself is CONSEQUENCES I don't know how old you are but I'm in my 30's with kids so before I do anything these days the first thing I think about is what is it going to cost me. That ususally stops me from smacking someone in the face. It did very recently...

But if you get to the point where you see black then I have no advise there because the few times it's happened in my life I've had to have people hold me back from doing something I may have really been sorry for. But like I said it takes a lot to get me there.

[Pork Chop]

Nobody messes with me like that, i guess i don't get out enough.

the only people i've wanted to get violent with in the last few years have done a lot more than what you described, to the point of me questioning whether or not it's worth sitting in a jail cell the rest of my life or ending it prematurely.

In those instances, I've decided that I'm not about to lose my freedom, my life, over some worthless girl. i'm not going to let a gut reaction to someone else's evil cause me any more pain, if i still hate my life, i'll take it at a later date but i'm not going to do something drastic in response to someone who doesn't deserve any respect.

[Chief Fox]

I've got anger issues.

I've had anger ruin relationships when girls left me because they didn't know how I would react to certain situations. I've never gotten physical but I'm pretty good at scaring the sh!t out of people by yelling and demoralizing them. (nothing to be proud of)

I recently read a book titled Beyond Anger (http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Anger-Guide-Free-Yourself/dp/1569246211/sr=8-4/qid=1170951072/ref=pd_bbs_sr_4/002-5983622-2088015?ie=UTF8&s=books)

It's helped me a lot. It talks about how anger is a downward spiral of irrational thought. It helps you to identify the downward spiral and bring you back to rational thought.

Here's an example of irrational thought.
You're driving down the road, a person cuts you off. You automatically think, "what is wrong with that person?", "Do they think that they are more important than me?", "Do they think that where ever they're going is more important then where I'm going?", "Do they think that where I'm going doesn't matter?", "Do they think I'm stupid?". "I'm going to teach that guy a lesson!".

Of course this irrational thought process lasts only about 2 seconds and then you react.

The idea is to catch the irrational thought process and turn it around before it gets out of control.

You, obviously got to the point in your thought process that you thought it was ok to physically harm this person. I'm not judging you but I think you know that this is not a rational thought.

Anyway, I don't want to go on and on but you should check out that book.

If you want to talk about anger at all, feel free to PM me.

[splinter]

Well, you didn't really mention what the person did to **** you off, so it's a little tough to say what you could've done to handle the situation better.

Usually violence is a choice that people use as a last resort when dealing with a conflict. It's the result of not knowing how to solve the situation in a more reasonable manner, and that could be the result of any number of things.

Usually though, it's because the person feels genuinely threatened (possibly not physically), which is rooted in personal insecurities. If you're there's no insecurity, then there is no threat, which means you can resolve the situation calmly.
Either by laughing at them (as was mentioned), ignoring them, or taking some other planned action, like smiling, speaking calmly, and pointing out why what they're doing makes them look like a jerk.

If they're doing it to try and impress someone, all you have to do is convince the people he's trying to impress that he's an idiot, and make sure he knows that's what they think.

The question is, what personal insecurity did this person touch on that drove you to react this way? Did he insult you? Yuu mentioned something about a week of **** talking? Was it this person who was doing this the whole week? Did he threaten your ego? Threaten you physically?

And what can you do to resolve that insecurity?

I'm not a big fan of Tom Cruise, but I think this is a great example of dealing with a situation that could easily have resulted in violence if it had been another person.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D7WzCDT_0s

[unkokusai]

This thread is P!SSING ME OFF! :mad:

[Chief Fox]

I'm not a big fan of Tom Cruise, but I think this is a great example of dealing with a situation that could easily have resulted in violence if it had been another person.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9D7WzCDT_0s

Wow! score one point for scientology. Imagine if that was Sean Penn!

[CaptinPickAxe]

I did have tons of stress in my life and I would consider this week to be one of the most stressful on record. Then to set things off, I have a drunken roommate call me, wake me up, talk ****, and trash my room while I'm gone. Then he tells me I'm "all talk" and to "bring it." This is the icing on the **** cake of my boss screwing me on paychecks and disrespecting me, me being the ***** at work, and producing an album where studio time isn't exactly smooth.

I should of hit the bag but I'm lacking one. All I've been doing lately is practicing my BJJ with my group of dustmonkeys. It feels rewarding submiting people but it isn't the stress relief of sparring or heavy bag work. The only thing that didn't turn last night into a case was two of the dustmonkeys standing in between and my girl there keeping me calm.

Now that I look back at last night, I realized it could have been much much worse. I held on to a shred of reason that saved me from a fight, or worse, a court case. This is the first time I have ever been that mad, so I'm not a hotheaded live wire. I just pushed to my limits like Knockout Ned and snapped...well, almost.

I did hit him with a cold blooded line I'm kind of proud of,

"You want to call out the Devil but don't want the hell that comes with it."

[lunghushan]

I should of hit the bag but I'm lacking one. All I've been doing lately is practicing my BJJ with my group of dustmonkeys. It feels rewarding submiting people but it isn't the stress relief of sparring or heavy bag work. The only thing that didn't turn last night into a case was two of the dustmonkeys standing in between and my girl there keeping me calm.

You might try the Y or find some cheap boxing gym someplace. I had a friend in NYC who swore by the Y because they always had a heavy bag and a speed bag.

But yeah, sounds like you are just one majorly stressed out dude.

In college we noticed that people who were long distance runners also seemed to be pretty calm. In college we used to do a lot of mountain biking but one of our friends, Ryan, started doing long distance running because he noticed those guys were always calm. We didn't see him much after that.

That is a pretty good line, though. Roommates are usually a problem in some way.

[djcaldwell]

In college we used to do a lot of mountain biking but one of our friends, Ryan, started doing long distance running because he noticed those guys were always calm. We didn't see him much after that.


HEY I KNOW RYAN!!

I'm sorry, just being a putz. It's just one of those things in social interations that I find amusing when people attempt to validate a story by mentioning someones name as if it reinforces that the story has some factual basis.

It's especially humorous when the person doing so is anonymous. It's a little different if you run in social circles and you're like "Hey my friend Joe told me" because then there is some chance that they may actually know Joe or even one day meet him. But when no one knows who you are and you say my buddy Joe did this...no one will ever meet or know Joe so what's the point for that you can just say - in college a guy ran a lot to relieve stress then he disappeared. Think he fell on a trail somewhere and was eaten by coyotes.

Sorry again just one of those things...

[CaptinPickAxe]

You might try the Y or find some cheap boxing gym someplace. I had a friend in NYC who swore by the Y because they always had a heavy bag and a speed bag.

But yeah, sounds like you are just one majorly stressed out dude.

In college we noticed that people who were long distance runners also seemed to be pretty calm. In college we used to do a lot of mountain biking but one of our friends, Ryan, started doing long distance running because he noticed those guys were always calm. We didn't see him much after that.

That is a pretty good line, though. Roommates are usually a problem in some way.

I agree, but being the broke college kid I am I need a cheap means. Maybe I should pick up running longer distances as I do find me sorting my thoughts while jogging. Thanks for the help:)

[lunghushan]

HEY I KNOW RYAN!!

I'm sorry, just being a putz. It's just one of those things in social interations that I find amusing when people attempt to validate a story by mentioning someones name as if it reinforces that the story has some factual basis.


Yeah, it's stupid ... I can't remember Ryan's last name anyways. A group of us used to go mountain biking all the time.

As for being anonymous, yeah, I guess I am, not that it matters. If you knew my name you wouldn't know me from Pete anyways.

[Scott R. Brown]

Hi CapitnPickAxe,

If you are feeling that your anger is rising, you will find that if you take control of your breathing it will help you to bring control back to your emotions. Deep, slow, abdominal breathing works to help restore calm. It may sound hokey, but it actually works. You will find that whenever any emotion begins to become overwhelming your breathing becomes rapid and is located high in your chest. Your shoulders will rise rather than your stomach pooch out. There is an unconscious association between this type of breathing and strong emotions. When we take control of our breathing and use deep slower abdominal breathing it helps as an associative device to help lower the intensity of the emotions as well as physically calms us.

It is difficult to remember to do this when our emotions are becoming overwhelming, so it is also beneficial, if possible, to separate yourself from the precipitating circumstance.

Lastly, it is beneficial after the event to evaluate what has occurred and note the processes that occurred leading to the loss of control. There are always early signs that loss of control is impending. If we train ourselves to recognize the early signs of raising emotions before they take control of us we may intervene when the emotions are still within our control and ameliorate our feelings or the circumstance before we behave in a regretful manner.

By the way, a similar circumstance has happened to me in the past so I sympathize with your question and with the predicament in which you found yourself. My circumstance involved some legal consequences and changed the course of my life!

[David Jamieson]

It's the "old yeller" factor.

the lesson is that you gotta do what you gotta do and don't second guess yourself or you will hesitatet etc etc.

think of it in terms of what must be done, then you can look at it as a task and do that task with as few impediments to yourself as possible etc etc.

the meditation and such just helps prepare you for the time when you have to do what must be done.

simplicity of mind is what you want. analysis leads to capitulation, leads to no resolution.

if a loud mouth needs a punch, oblige him. It is not outside the realm of good sense to do so.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

the book chief fox mentioned is very good. i also liked these two alot as i like the budhist approach to emotions in general:

http://www.amazon.com/Places-that-Scare-You-Fearlessness/dp/1570629218/sr=1-1/qid=1170996214/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-9657345-1890345?ie=UTF8&s=books

http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1573229377/sr=1-1/qid=1170996327/ref=pd_bbs_1/104-9657345-1890345?ie=UTF8&s=books

my friend got me one and recommended the other. i felt bad at first, because when i opened the gift and saw "the places that scare you" on the cover i actually lold irl. i thought it was a joke. now that ****er sits on my headboard as one of the books ill pull out and read random passages out of before going to sleep. you really have to keep an open mind when reading the one by hanh as well. the way it was worded, about treating your anger like a baby and **** liek that, almost caused me to stop reading it after a few chapters. but ill be ****ed if some of the **** that little ****er wrote didnt hit me like a ton of bricks when i'd get ****ed. tonight i threw a printer. i still have a lot of work to do ... but if it werent for some of this reading throwing the printer would have just sparked me to break more and more ****. instead i realized what was happening and i went and took a shower to calm down before things got worse.

[SPJ]

we are all made out of flesh and blood.

meaning that the blood is warm, we have emotions.

we may practice meditation and "see" thru things beyond the "outward" appearances etc.

we may be calm as a placid lake or eye of the storm etc.

when the stress or anger/frustration thresthold is reached, we all "explode" in outbursts of emotions.

the water squirt was intended to be "funny" or just a "joke".

we may laugh it off and shake hands--

we may talk about why you would do that in a formal interview. that is amounting to an insult. which Tom did.

or we may just grab the thing and squirt it back.

just do not give the magazine or media something to report and do an article about--

--

--

[Royal Dragon]

It sounds like your friend needed to get cracked...but good. It also sounds like you gave him just what he needed without going over board and being overly agressive.

Instead of worrying about your getting physical, be proud you had the selfcontroll not to pound him into the dust he probably deserved to be pounded into.

You did fine. You were controlled, and not excessive.

Agression has it's place and use. There are times when a little calculated "uleashing of the beast" is called for. You did not start beating him uncontrollably or unstoppably. You didn't even kick his ass when it sounds like he justly deserved it. You gave him a small taste of what was waiting for him if he pressed the issue. Hopefully he was smart enough to recognise the deterent and back off.

Sometimes physical contact is the only communication your advisary will understand. You gave him just enough to get the message across. Don't be hard on yourself for it, congradulate yourself for doing it just the right amount and not a bit more.

If he starts with you again, I sugjest one good Pao Chui to the chest (not explosive shattering power, but lots of push so he flys back really far, with just enough penetration so he really feels it)...just to show him how much power he's really dealing with. Putting the fear of God in him might be all you need to, or needed to do.

[Shaolin Wookie]

As a former/now seasonal distance runner, I can say....DO NOT RUN ANGRY.

You won't breathe right, or pay attention to what your'e doing. Before you know it you'll be ten miles from home, hacking up a lung.....wondering how the **** you're going to get back home.:D

Then you'll know true anger.

The way to deal with anger is to laugh at life. When people give me ****, I take it, smile, and then put it in a neat little biodegradable baggie, and throw it away. There is nothing in this world worth getting angry at. It happens, and sometimes I get a little miffed, but then I wind up laughing at myself. I used to be an angry guy. But then I worked in the kitchens at a Univ. of GA dining facility and scrubbed pots and floors for eight hours a day for four and a half years (didn't have a car to get off campus for another job).

I hated that job. It made me stink...working over a steaming vat of water, scrubbing invincible scum off of pots, scrubbing all that crap off of the floors, cleaning out garbage cans......I stunk. My clothes stunk. And then I'd have to walk a mile in the cold January wind each night with wet boots and sweaty jeans, huddled up like a friggin' bum. Man....I had major anger issues. Since I couldn't afford to do laundry every friggin two days...or the time...I wound up smelling kind of bad all the time. One girlfriend quit me, saying, you're just.....so blue collar. :rolleyes: People gave me funny looks---I was takin 20 hours of classes and working 40 hours a week---so I got indignant...kind of like flashed them the look that says: "look at me like that again and I'll **** you the **** up!! Iwork twice as hard as you lazy rich ****ers!!!":mad: I couldn't believe that I was getting a college degree, working such a ****ty, mindless job.

So I understand where you're coming from. But after four and a half years of scrubbing pots and floors, I had this one experience mid-scrub on Italian food day (the worst, b/c the marinara gets cooked into the pot and is a ***** to scrub off)......and my stress just fell away. I've always called it my moment of enlightenment....:D I just lost track of myself. I saw things simply. I stopped relating everything around me to myself. People gave me instructions on how to complete a task, they opinionated about the results, etc....but it didn't matter to me at all--I just focused on the task and did it. (I know this sounds banal, but it was a truly profound thing that happened to me. I extracted myself from the stuff around me and looked at it from the outside, rather than as the point-of-projection). Some people crack, some get angry, and some achieve enlightenment...I suppose. I began to laugh at indignation. Stress is the result of taking yourself too seriously. I mean come on...if someone was angry that I didn't scrub pots fast enough, I'd just laugh, because in the grand scheme of things, this was such a trivial matter. 7 million years of evolution, and a hairless ape was shouting at another hairless ape to scrub a pot so some rich hairless apes could get their food faster. Kind of puts things in perspective.....:D .

Stress is going to be there all around you, but you don't have to take it. Just be Neo, with four bullets flying towards you.....you just look at it calmly, and say "no", and the **** won't hit you...yeah...it sounds hokey:p . I graduated from college and have worked on a forklift for three years to get money for graduate school (starting this fall:D :cool: ) in a job that's even worse than Univ. Food Svcs. (now I come home covered in dirt, after working in GA's summer heat and cold winters). Everyone's always stressed and screaming at each other, *****ing about how much work they do, and how they're unappreciated. They often direct their complaints to me, or at me, because I work hard and am responsible (funny how guys with work ethic catch flack from the biggest slackers in any industry:rolleyes: ). I just shrug, laugh, and smile, chuckling "Whatever..."

The things that matter are MA, girlfriends (or wives and kids), reading, writing, music (piano), etc. Who cares what anyone else thinks? It's all a matter of keeping things in perspective. We're a bunch of hairless apes wearing designer jeans, eating genetically alter foods, watching digital recreations of reality on an electical box.......

Evolution's a wonderful thing.

[Shaolin Wookie]

I always call it human abstraction.

Anyways...everyone needs their own method for dealing with anger. It's not one size fits all.

Something you have to work at......and sometimes it's just a peace that hits you on the head, coming from out of nowhere.

[SPJ]

I know this is about anger thread.

I usually take 3 deep breaths and slowly exhaling out all the bad Chi. or take a swim and relax.

I am calm again.

most of the time, we are busy, if not we start to feel depressed or sad.

we also feel anxiety or worry too much about the world, work, etc etc.

--

I always go the beach and watch the waves and the whales.

or look at the stars in a clear nite.

--

we are not alone, and we are so small, one of a millions--

my worries, depression etc or problems no longer significant--

--

this is how I cope--

:)

[mickey]

Hi CaptinPickAxe,

I haven't had a moment like that in a very long time. While I will not advise meditation, I suggest introspection.

Ask yourself:

How did you allow yourself to get into that situation?

When did you start to lose control? (Hint: It was long before that confrontation)


Please come back to this thread with answers. We'll talk more.


mickey

[Oso]

if a loud mouth needs a punch, oblige him. It is not outside the realm of good sense to do so.


i have to agree with DJ on this a bit. some people are asking for it...especially if they specifically ask for it.

i'm not advocating a lifestyle of continuously responding to *******s with violence but every once in a while, when they push you beyond a reasonable level of acceptance to their assholiness...whack 'em.

Question: with the throwing and groundwork you know why wouldn't you just clinch, control and takedown and submit thereby humiliating them but not actually harming them?

and as a counterpoint to the above: one of the things I say to my students is that the main reason why they shouldn't fight is because they can.

[D-FENS]

I usually find a few rounds of "Rampage" on Midway Arcade Classics does it for me. Nothing works out your frustrations like levelling a city and eating its inhabitants. It also helps to yell obscenities at the screen while doing so. It's a great stress-release. :cool:

BTW, I always pick the lizard.

[Oso]

love it...i'll pick one of my diabloII characters that sufficiently skilled enough to lay waste and spend 30 minutes or so whacking demons and undead.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

i log onto a free shard for some old school uo to go out pk'n, but usually i just get killed myself and end up even more mad.

[SPJ]

some people believe that there is a pill for everything, depression, anxiety, fear and even anger.

ok just take the anger pill and call me in the morning, it is honey+benadryl.

so sleep it out.

some people believe there is the herb or diet for everything, depression, anger.

ok, what would you eat for calming youself down, a toast, a cup of camoline tea, a glass of milk--

for me half shelf oysters with ginger slices and wasabe and a pitcher of dark beer will do. pretzel is fine, too.

--

my bro would just go to a karaoke bar and sing all his stresses and emotions out.

my sis would just shop till drop or max out the credit cards.

--

:D