place joke here

[David Jamieson]

i'll start

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway, the officer came to the drivers window and said, "Sir, may I see your drivers license and registration?"

The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What!?Do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?"

The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his drivers license and registration.

The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?"

The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box?" He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

The mans looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

:p

[Becca]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him... Well he finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man..."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna
put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?"

" I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."

[Becca]

One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one wish".

Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " I'll take the first wish! I want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui. I also want to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.

Now it was the SSgt's turn. He said "I want two million dollars, a beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida. I also want to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke the SSgt was gone.

The genie now looking at the Gunny says, "And what do you want kind Sir?"

Without a moment of hesitation, with his hands on his hips, staring the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says....















"I want those two clowns back at the shop after chow".

[The Willow Sword]

Janie sue gets out of high school and comes home to her trailer park and walks in the door to find her fat, bald and sweaty wife beater wearing father sitting on the couch drinking a michelobe and watching jerry springer. Janie Says "daddeyy can ah burrow the car fer my date tewnight?" The father unzips his fly and says "well eef yew want to burrow thu car yew know whut yew gotta do".
So she does the job and gets up and says "Gee daddeyyy yer d!ck tastes like sh!T". and the father replies, "DOH Dagnabbit i tottally fergot, yer brother is burrowin tha car tewnight".:eek:

:DTWS

[lkfmdc]

a collection of wife related jokes ;)

#1

Two men are sitting in a bar drinking. The first one says "man, work is stressing me out!"

So the second guy says, "I know what you mean but I have a way to get away from it all!"

Frist guy, "really? What?"

Second guy, "I come home, my wife meets me naked at the front door, she takes me to the dinner table where my my favorite meal is sitting. After dinner, she gives me a bath, then a massage, then we have great s e x. You should try it!"

First guy, "do you think your wife is home now?"

:D

#2

Man comes home early from a business trip to find his wife in bed with his best friend!

"I can't believe it, it's terrible, my eyes, my soul! How horrible! How terrible!"

The guy's friend jumps out of bed and covers up and tries to explain, then apologizes, the husband keeps screaming and running around the room

The husband, "oh my G'd, I can't believe it! It's terrible! My lord"

The friend "Stan, Stan, please!"

The husband, "But Arthur, I HAVE to, but you?"

:D


#3

Polish man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. He begins to cry profusely and pulls out a gun, he points it at his head.

His wife laughs and calls him pathetic....

The husband responds "don't laugh, you're next!" ;)

[hskwarrior]

whats 1 + 1 ?

answer: 2

what's 4-2?

answer: 2

What's the last name of the author who wrote Tom Sawyer?

Answer : Twain

Now give me all three answers together.

answer: Two Two Twain

Response: Have a nice Twip!!!!!

:D Thank you :D Thank you :D no really Thank you :D OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH:mad:

[hskwarrior]

This girl wanted a baby......but a blue baby.

So she picked up the Black Dude, this latin dude, and this chinese dude.

She told them all what she wanted and went to the Black dude first.

he put it down, nine months later she had the baby.

The woman says, great you gave me a baby, but its a black baby. won't work

then she hooks up with the latin dude, and same thing. but this time she says "but you gave me a brown baby" won't work.

Then, she finally hooks up with the chinese dude and nine months later she gives birth to this blue baby.

Shocked she asked him how he did it.

he responded by saying....."Me Chinese, me play trick. Me putting ajax on my D1ck!!!!!!:D


again, thank you:D Thank you :D

[hskwarrior]

Dave and Gus go to heaven.

They stand in front of GOD who tells them they are receiving their wings today. But warns the two that if anyone one of them sins, plop, off goes your wings.

So, Dave and Gus go out in the world just as this big breasticled planet booty having hot little mamma comes along and PLOP! Off goes Dave's wings.

Just as Dave bent over to pick his wings up off of the floor, PLOP!!!!! Off falls Gus's Wings!!!!!!!!:D

To all parties included in this joke, no harm was intended, so go tell your people to jump off a bridge!!!!!!!:p

[Water Dragon]

This Penguin drives into town one Sunday, and his car breaks down. As he's wondering what to do, he sees a mechanic shop. He goes in and asks the mechanic if he can look at his car. The mechanic says, "Sure can, it will be a few hours though."

So the Penguin is walking around, trying to kill time and he's starts getting very hot because it's summer and he's a Penguin. He sees an ice cream shop, so he goes in and orders a big bucket of vanilla ice cream. The Penguin is wondering how he's gonna eat it, cause he's a Penguin, he has no arms. He says screw it and just starts chowing down on the ice cream. He gets done, and there's ice cream all over him, all over the table, just everywhere. He looks at the clock and says, "Oh ****! the mechanic!"

He runs back to the mechanic shop and asks if he's had time to look at his car. Mechanic says, "Yup, it looks like you blew a seal" The Penguin replys, "Naw, I was just eating ice cream."

[RD'S Alias - 1A]

Q: What is a Gay Dinosaur called?

A: A Megga-sore-ass

Q: What is a Lesbian Dinosaur called?

A: A Lick-a-lotta-puss!! :D

[cjurakpt]

Old Pat is sitting at home watching the tele, when his wife Mary walks in, come home from a doctor's appointment. Pat ask, "So Mary, what did the doctor say?"; Mary replies, "He said I have to go have a urinalysis."; PAt asksk, "What's that?"; Mary answeres, "I don't know; but I'll go upstairs and ask Bridget - she knows everything."

So Mary goes upstairs, while Pat is siting in his undershirt, scratching his belly, drinking a beer, watching TV. Suddenly, he hears this terrific racket coming from upstairs! Knocking, banging, and crashing! he runs to the door and uopens it just in time to see Mary come bouncing down the steps - he lip is bloody, her dress is torn and she looks like he11; Pat cries, "For God's sakes woman, what happened to you?"

Mary answers, in a somewhat bewildered voice, "Well, I don't know! I went upstairs, and polite as could be I knocked on Brdiget's door. She opens it and says, 'Hello Mary.' I says, 'Hello Bridget.' She says, 'What can I do for you, Mary?' i says' Bridget, can you tellme, what's a urinalysis?' Well she says, "oh, you go p1ss in a pot" and I said, "Well you go sh1t in a hat!' and the fight was on!

[Snake77]

A young boy opens the shower curtain while his aunt is showering. He points to her crotch and says "whats that hairy thing?". The aunt quickly answers "thats my sponge". The young boy replies. "oh,I seen mommy washing daddys face with hers."

[The Willow Sword]

3 explorers get Lost in the jungle one expedition and subsequently get captured by a band of cannibal natives and hauled back to their camp. One explorer is from England,the other from France and the 3rd one is From TEXAS.

The Cannibals start speaking perfect english to the captured explorers and they say " Well we regret to inform you that we are going to cannibalize you,HOWEVER, we have been watching your society and customs for quite some time now and so,to be respectful of your sensitivities and pride and all that, we are going to GRACIOUSLY allow you three to choose the manner of your death before we SKIN you and utilize your skins to make our Canoes with"

Well the Englishman says " well ive got a pistol in my pack, just use that to blow my bloody brains out". BANG!!

The Frenchman says "i have a garat in my pack, just take it and strangle me and break my neck" CRACK!!

The TEXAN Says " I got two forks in my pack, give em to me" so the natives give the Texan the forks. The Texan proceeds to stab himself repeatedly saying "FUK YER CANOES"!!!!

:DTWS

[hskwarrior]

okay....okay.....this one is really funny.....funnnnn....neeeeeee:eek:

okay-okay!

This kid takes a shower one day with his dad and says damm dad, what that? Dad says, "it's my little man."

Then next day, the kid takes a shower with his mommy. he points at her stuffeses, and says damm mommy what that? Mommy says, "it's my monster"

the next night, the kid wants to sleep in his parents bed. They were cool with that but told the boy not to look under the covers. so, the boy did anyway.

The little boy started screaming "Daddy, Daddy, mommy's monster is eating up your little man!"

[Mook Jong]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[specialed]

http://www.myspace.com/nysanda now there's a real thigh slapper for you!

[Yum Cha]

Geek shows up at his web design job on a new bike.

His mate says, "Wow, cool bike, where did you get it?"

Geek says, "I was walking to work and this beautiful chick rides up, throws down her bike, ripps off her cloths and says, 'take what you want!' "

Mate says, "yea, the cloths probably wouldn't have fit..."

[xcakid]

President's Stand up Routine (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dii3mzMQ3SQ)


:D :D

Gotta love a President that can make fun of himself. This was shot at a press dinner 2yrs ago.

[BruceSteveRoy]

#1
Q: what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A: Elephino

#2
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: Noeyedeer (sounds like no idea)

#3
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: Fsh

[xcakid]

A college co ed was driving thru an Indian reservation in AZ. After a few miles she sees an Indian guy standing by the side of the road, naked, with an erection. Disgusted and shocked by the sight, she quickly pulls over to ask what this man was doing. To which he replies, "Me tell time". He looks at the shadow of his p3n1s and says, "now 3PM" She looks at her watch and found this to be true. Satisfied, she drives on.

A few miles down the road she sees another Indian with an erection standing by the road. She pull over and asks the man if he too tells time. To which he say yes. He looks at the shadow of his p3n1s and says, "now 3:10PM". She found this to be true and drives on.

A few miles down the road she see an Indian guy sitting on top of a boulder vigorously masterbating. Disgusted, embarrassed and appalled, she pulls over and begins to read him the riot act. The Indian guy turns to her and says, "relax, me wind um watch"

[xcakid]

This guy walks into a bar and notices this tiny man on top of the bar playing a miniature piano.

He walks up to the bar, orders a drink and ask the bartender about the little guy. The bartender answered, with a bit of an accent, "well, I found this lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out. Gave me three wishes. I asked for lots of money of course. Then I asked for this bar since I wanted to retire and own a bar. I also got the little guy for my 3rd wish.

The patron was a perplexed. Confused he asked.....your 3rd wish was for a 12in pianist??? :confused:

[Becca]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask
his
advice in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's
when
you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it
a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

I t wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as
to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and
with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me
cups and
tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and
there
passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an
absolute
nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here,
I'll
never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[golden arhat]

Q: whats 18 inches long and makes women scream in the morning ? .......






A: cot death




:eek::D

[Becca]

Now that was just wrong.:mad:

[Ben Gash]

Dude, really, for that you should be forced to work the night shift with me and see why that isn't funny.

[golden arhat]

lighten up ben

i know babys dying arent funny

the point was to shock and it seems to have worked

[Mook Jong]

Intriguing words coming from a buddhist

[golden arhat]

Intriguing words coming from a buddhist

whys that ?

i cant joke about something now
excuse me thought police

its not like i'm killing babys

i dont see how its against buddhism to make a joke like that ???

it has nothing to do with it


you all need to lighten up and get a sense of humour

there isnt one person i have told that to that hasnt laughed

the point is to make you laugh then your shocked at the joke and shocked that you yourself laughed at it


i shouldnt have to defend myself

try being a little less sensitive

waaaaa someone made a joke about a baby dying waaaaaa lets call the waaaambulance

[Mook Jong]

Buddhist are supposed to be peacful and caring, aren't they? To me, SIDs isn't funny though i understand humor and laugh at dead baby jokes pretty often. And you gotta calm down, just bc ppl didn't laugh at a joke on an online forum.

[David Jamieson]

ok, more jokes please and less chastisement. :)

[Becca]

whys that ?

i cant joke about something now
excuse me thought police

its not like i'm killing babys

i dont see how its against buddhism to make a joke like that ???

it has nothing to do with it


you all need to lighten up and get a sense of humour

there isnt one person i have told that to that hasnt laughed

the point is to make you laugh then your shocked at the joke and shocked that you yourself laughed at it


i shouldnt have to defend myself

try being a little less sensitive

waaaaa someone made a joke about a baby dying waaaaaa lets call the waaaambulance
How many people over the age of 21, or are parents themselve, have you told that to? My best freind in highschool's niece die of that while she was baby sitting her over nigh so her sister could work nights. Not funny!

[Mook Jong]

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and **** into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began ****ing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could **** all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[sanjuro_ronin]

whys that ?

i cant joke about something now
excuse me thought police

its not like i'm killing babys

i dont see how its against buddhism to make a joke like that ???

it has nothing to do with it


you all need to lighten up and get a sense of humour

there isnt one person i have told that to that hasnt laughed

the point is to make you laugh then your shocked at the joke and shocked that you yourself laughed at it


i shouldnt have to defend myself

try being a little less sensitive

waaaaa someone made a joke about a baby dying waaaaaa lets call the waaaambulance

F'n vegetarians
Just for that I am gonna go out a slaughter me a cow and eat me some steaks.

[Mook Jong]

hey SR, taking requests today? I could use a little italian ;)

[sanjuro_ronin]

hey SR, taking requests today? I could use a little italian ;)

One of my favs...

[Mook Jong]

Grazie signore, che molta bella.

[Lucas]

Whats the technical definition of a woman?















Life support system for a vagina.

[Mook Jong]

This one is just sheer curiosity: Got any amish chicks sanjuro?

[sanjuro_ronin]

This one is just sheer curiosity: Got any amish chicks sanjuro?

Amish?
Dude, they don't shave !
:eek:

[Mook Jong]

Hey i didn't say i really wanted to see it, i was just curious how extensive your collection of goregeous scantily clad women was.

[sanjuro_ronin]

Hey i didn't say i really wanted to see it, i was just curious how extensive your collection of goregeous scantily clad women was.

Ah...if this wasn't a PG rated site....

[Mook Jong]

lmao, if only

[zapruder_bjj]

Whats it smell like when you microwave a a baby for five minutes?

























I dont know I was too busy masterbating!! There you can all hate on me now instead.

[Lucas]

How do you make a dead baby float?

























Take your foot off of it's head.

[WinterPalm]

What's worse than a garbage can of dead babies?























The alive one at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

Ok, that was just messed up.:mad:

[Lucas]

What's worse than a garbage can of dead babies?























The alive one at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

Ok, that was just messed up.:mad:

whats worse than that?







That same baby goes back for seconds!

[zapruder_bjj]

A drum and a cymbal fall down a hill... BA DUM CHA!!!!!!!


A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel strapped to his junk and yells " AAAAARRRRRR ITS DRIVIN ME NUTS!!!!"

How do you fit an elephant in a Safeway bag? You take the S out of safe and the F out of way. (This is one of my favorite jokes as it makes the person you are telling say the punchline AND most people will just laugh and not get it till you prod them which is always fun) ((Safeway is a grocery store for those that do not know))

[golden arhat]

What's worse than a garbage can of dead babies?





















The alive one at the bottom trying to eat its way out.

Ok, that was just messed up.:mad:



**** man that one made me cringe

lol props to you tho

[sanjuro_ronin]

After the last few posts it seems that, since IQ's have dropped dramatically, we need to compensate with extra testosterone:

[Becca]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from
L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
Declines And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a
Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-
Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily
Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the
Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she
Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the
Earth to the moon?"

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill
With three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He
Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the
Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and
Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the
blonde and asks,

"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.

[Mook Jong]

it needs to have more of both :D

[sanjuro_ronin]

Becca is right:

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'
'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'
'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey'
asked the blonde Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!'
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed: ' Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'


And:

[Mook Jong]

you, good sir, have the right idea

[ghostexorcist]

read my signature

[Becca]

it needs to have more of both :DHey! My joke involved a blond woman!:mad::p

[Mook Jong]

Clearly a ficticious one though, she outsmarted someone :X

[Mook Jong]

I'm just kidding with ^^^^^^

I love this one

There was a guy who died and went to heaven. He noticed that heaven was full of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are the clocks for?" and St. Peter answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie."

So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing.

"Where is the president's clock?" He asked.

St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Takuan]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?









.....








The holocaust.

[rogue]

Not a joke but pretty darn funny. It's dangerous to look for Hipsville without a map.

A old take on a classic (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ye3ecDYxOkg)

The orginal (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkrXnFvmEFk&feature=related)

[monji112000]

Don't click if your at work. Funny as HELL!
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e79146affe

[Becca]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!” Said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[Becca]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago .
The little boy (who had been looking out the window)
turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to
ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes
because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain
that to you.'

[Shaolin Wookie]

President Bush is saving your ass, whether you like it or not!


Da-ta-da!!!

[Becca]

George W. Bushisms 2008 desk callender, Friday, Jan 11 -

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice thier love with women all across the country."

- Poplar bluff, Missouri; September 6, 2004

[SPJ]

not really a joke.

but some tidbits;

'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand ...

And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. ? (Are you doubting this?)

:D

[SPJ]

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.)


A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that also)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.


If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.




Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors







Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!



Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.


The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.




Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.


Women blink nearly twice as much as men.



Now you know more than you did before!!


:)

[Becca]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.


"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker...


"It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'." ;)

[Becca]

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?

A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


BAD JOKE DISCLAIMER: We recognize that religious humor can be risky. It is our hope that by laughing at ourselves (and others) we can make this subject more approachable. If you find any of these objectionable, we apologize. Many were posted on Beliefnet, some were passed along via email and others spotted on other websites. As with most jokes, the original authors are unknown -- but we thank them.

[Becca]

Q. How many mesquitos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Two, but god only knows how they got in there.

[shadowlin]

Two cows were talking across a fence.
The first says, "So, did you hear about the first case of Mad Cow over at the Robinson Farm?"
The second says, "Nah. I'm not really worried about it. It won't affect us chickens."

[Seppukku]

Once upon a time, on an unfortunate evening, three fireflies (one male, two female) found themselves stuck in a glass jar. They buzzed around for a couple of minutes in confusion, looking at the lid to see if there was any escape. They quickly found that it was air-tight and sealed completely.

But after a minute or so, the male firefly called over one of the female fireflies. She buzzed over in his direction, and he said to her:

"Hey, I think I've found a way out of here."

"Really?" She asked.

He said: "Yeah. It's foolproof. I've heard it was done before by the sister of the best friend of my second cousin."

She says: "Really? Tell me what it is. How do I get out of here."

So he says: "Suck my **** and I'll tell you."

She debates it, but seeing as there's no alternative, she does the dirty deed. Soon after, she says: "Okay. I sucked your ****. Now tell me how to get out of here."

He says: "Okay, now you have to build up some speed, so fly around the jar three times until you're flying your fastest, and then fly straight up."

She asks: "Really? That's it? It's so simple."

So she buzzes around the circumference of the jar three times and then flies straight up, as fast as she can. She hits the lid, dies on impact, and falls to the bottom of the jar.

The other female firefly is horrified. She runs over to the male to find out what happened. He tells her he's found a way out, and the other female tried to get out, but failed. So, the second female asks how to get out, as a matter of course.

So he says: "Suck my **** and I'll tell you."

Seeing the specter of fate standing before her, she decides to follow his instructions. She goes down on him, and when she stands back up, he says: "Okay, now I want you to fly around the jar four times, and then fly straight up. But you have to go really fast. Faster than that other broad. She only went around the jar three times, and she wasn't going fast enough."

So then the second female starts buzzing around the jar. Once, twice, thrice, and on the fourth turn shoots up to the lid of the jar like a wild hellion. She hits the lid, splatters all over the place, and dies an agonizing death.

The male firefly laughs, and seeing that there aren't any more women around to bang, flies up to the lid and out of the jar, laughing all the way back to his buddies to tell them the story.

[Seppukku]

:d:d:dhwarararararahwararara!!!!:d:d:d

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

how many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
HEY YOU WANNA GO RIDE BIKES?