Two MMAs walk into a bar,...

[rogue]

...which is funny because you would have figured the second one would have seen the first guy do it.


Goodnight ladies and gentlemen, and please enjoy the buffet.

[rogue]

Q - How do you get a Kung Fu guy off of your front porch ?

A - Pay for the pizza.

[rogue]

Q - What's worse than telling jokes about karate guys?

A - Laughing at 'em.

[SevenStar]

*drumroll*

[street_fighter]

am i the only one who doesn't get the first one:confused:

[PangQuan]

how many kungfu guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?





none. the actual replacing of the lightbulb would pale in comparison to the argument on how each kungfu guy would do it better and more deadly than the next.

[PangQuan]

am i the only one who doesn't get the first one:confused:

bar as in metal pole sticking out of the ground.

[NJM]

Four aikido guys walk into a bar, but there's only one stool...

[rogue]

Q - What do you say to a MMA in a 3-piece suit ?

A - "Will the defendant please rise ..."

[rogue]

Two guys were walking down the street, One was destitute, the other was a Muay Thai fighter as well.

[rogue]

Q - What do you call a kickboxer who breaks up with his girlfriend?

A - Homeless.

[rogue]

A visiting Karateka wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs."Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," Says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.""You can keep the story, old man," He replies, "But I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," Says the owner.

"No," says the karateka, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Rorian."

[rogue]

Q - Why don't TKD fighters ever catch a cold?

A - Even a virus has some pride.

[TenTigers]

what's the difference between a bowling ball and a feMALE MMA fighter?

if you had to, you could probably eat the bowling ball.

[NJM]

Q - What do you say to a MMA in a 3-piece suit ?

A - "Will the defendant please rise ..."

.......ouch.

[rogue]

A Shaolin Do guy walks into a library and says: "Hi I'll have a burger,fries, and a large coke." The librarian responds: Sshhhh....do you know where you are? This is a library!" The Shaolin Do guy, sheepishly, and in a whisper says: "Sorry....I'll have a burger, fries and a large coke."

[rogue]

Two girls are walking along when they hear... "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me I'll turn into a world famous kickboxer and make you both rich and famous!" The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog is worth heaps more than a famous kickboxer any day!!!"

[rogue]

* Two salesmen are in a bar. One says to the other, "I bet you I can relate to anyone in this bar, I'm such a good salesman." The other replies, "You think so, huh? Well, sure. But I pick the guys." "Ok," says the first, "you're on."

The other grabs the guy sitting at the table next to them and tells the first salesman, "Here, this one." This first subject is dressed in a three-piece suit and is carrying Wall Street Week. The salesman asks him, "What's your I.Q.?" "190." So they chat for a while about the stock market, particle physics, and Non-Euclidean geometry.

"Ok," says the other salesman, "That was pretty good, but you still have two to go." He looks around and grabs a guy dressed in jeans, a tee-shirt, and a baseball cap worn backwards. The salesman asks him "What's you're I.Q.?" "About 100." So THEY chat for a while about baseball, cars, and the various women in the bar.

"Fine," says the other salesman, "But there's still one to go." He goes to the back of the bar and grabs a guy in a muscle shirt and shorts. The salesman asks him "What's your I.Q.?" "About 60." "You prefer gi or no gi?"

[rogue]

A customer goes into a deli and asks for some martial artist's brains for an exotic dish. "Certainly. What sort would you like?" Says the assistant "I don't know - how much do they cost?" "Well" says the assistant "We have karateka' brains at $5 for 25gms, tai chi players' at $10, and BJJ brains at $25." The assistant then turns to a padlocked fridge and says, "And in there we have judoka' brains at $150 for 25gms". "Wow!" exclaims the customer, "why are judoka' brains so expensive?" "Do you know how many judoka's it takes to get 25gms!?"

[The Willow Sword]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him right off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a kung fu chop from China." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and continues what he was doing when all of a sudden-WHACK!!-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a karate chop from Japan." The little guy, not wanting any trouble,and thinking this guy is nuts, gets up off the floor, grabs his beer and moves a few seats further down the bar, and continues to sip at his beer. All of a sudden, --WHACK!!-- without warning, he feels this foot kick him upside the head and he goes sprawling to the floor once again. The big dude says with a smile, "That's kickboxing from Thailand." The little guy, having had enough of this gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. He had been gone for about an hour when he returned, and without saying a word, walks up behind the big dude and-WHACK!!!-- knocks the big dude off his stool and lays him out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears."

[tattooedmonk]

What are bagels made out of?.........judo ( get it jew dough).

[Laukarbo]

how looks effective selfdefense against a knife attack ?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdbvC8T4pIM


sometimes I understand peeps such as Knifefighter...:cool:

[Goldenmane]

how looks effective selfdefense against a knife attack ?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdbvC8T4pIM


sometimes I understand peeps such as Knifefighter...:cool:

Gott in Himmel.. what the heck was that?

No wonder people laugh at supposed "martial artists". That sort of crap ought to be outlawed.

[rogue]

Master Killer, Gene and 7* are on their way to a challenge match, when all three are killed in an auto accident. Being good boys they all go to heaven, where they are met by St. Peter.

St. Peter says: "Welcome boys glad you made it, but I want you to know that there are rules here in heaven. The main one is Don't Step On A Duck, because if you do you will be punished because they make such a noise."

Master Killer was trying to avoid all of the ducks, which were everywhere, but before 5 minutes passed, sure enough he stepped on a duck. What a noise! St. Peter comes with a truly ugly woman. "You stepped on a duck, you will be chained with this ugly woman forever as punishment."

Gene lasted a little longer, but he, too, stepped on a duck. St. Peter came with even a more ugly woman, they were chained together forever.

7* he was very careful and missed all of the ducks. St. Peter came with the most beautiful woman you ever saw and said: "you two will be chained forever and ever." After St. Peter left 7* said, "I don't know what I did to deserve this good luck." The beautiful woman said: "I don't know what you did either, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Goldenmane]

hehe.
Rogue...

...you're a rogue.

[CFT]

how looks effective selfdefense against a knife attack ?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdbvC8T4pIM


sometimes I understand peeps such as Knifefighter...:cool:I think I've read about such things before. I think the rationale is that the movements are practiced but without the danger of making contact with the weapon. I can't believe that anyone would think there is any merit in this kind of training.

[Becca]

I agree; if you are doing a demo without making controlled contact at the very least, you aren't really demonstrating much...:rolleyes:

The knife training I've gotten in kung fu usually involved rubber or wood practice knives, because it was contact. Sifu let use use unsharpened metal knives once to demonstraite why we needed to move very quickly... But he was the one attacking with it, as he had the best control. And most of use went home with small nicks and cuts for not blocking fast enough.:o

I got to watch 2 SIs (Both now black belts) do a 2 person staff form. Both brough several staves to work with and neither used thier favorite staff, because chances were good that at least one staff was going to get broke.:)

[Shaolinlueb]

why did the farmer cross the road?

his d*ck was caught in a chicken.

[The Willow Sword]

Two Shaolin do guys were arguing over lineage one day when all of a sudden the ghost of su kong appeared before them and said ".................................................. ........................................" Oh wait i forgot SD guys dont argue over lineage.:D

I know it was stupid,,,Peace, TWS:p

[cjurakpt]

(caveat: this is more of a visual joke, but it might work in text only)

q: how do you get an MMA guy to spill his protein shake?

a: ask him what time it is

[The Willow Sword]

and let the Video work its magic on all of you,,,:D


http://www.break.com/index/frustrated-video-dater-loses-his-cool.html




Peace,TWS

[rogue]

why did the farmer cross the road?

his d*ck was caught in a chicken.

I like it but all jokes must be about martial arts. :cool:

[PangQuan]

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a big guy in a judo gi with a worn black belt who has cauliflower ears and looks like he's been around the block a few times.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Johnson, Judo competitor and national champion for 17 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the Judo competitor, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The Judo man goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That Judo man gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be when I have been preaching the gospel all my life?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; but when he entered the dojo, people prayed."

[Shaolinlueb]

I like it but all jokes must be about martial arts. :cool:

um why did the mma fan cross the road and get hit by a car?

he saw um,........ a kung fu school across the street and had to um.... sh*t all over it.

[Yum Cha]

The best BJJ I got was from my stuttering girlfriend.

[Mr Punch]

LOtooL! :D That should have a NSFW tag!

Why did the kung fu challenge fighter cross the road?
He was a chicken.

[/tumbleweed]

[Chosen-frozen]

The best BJJ I got was from my stuttering girlfriend.

LOL 5 minutes straight!!!(remind me not to drink anything while reading these. I laughed so hard I spit all over my keyboard.)

[PangQuan]

Masterkiller, Sevenstar and Pangquan all die in a horrible ferris wheel accident.

For some unknown reason they all find themselves in hell, being interviewed by the Devil.

Being a sporting chap the devil tells the men the have one opportunity to escape an eternity of torture and torment.

Knowning each mans fondness of the martial arts he tells each that if they can come up with a martial feat that the devil cannot complete he will let them go back to earth.

Pangquan being the ego airhead he is challenges the devil to a striking only Kumite match intent on using "deadly force". The devil of course having the L33T skills KO's Pangquan in 00.02 with a fliying sidekick!

Sevenstar, himself having the L33t Skills, challenges the devil to try and take him down. The devil, having even more L33t skills than Seven does, shoots his ass so hard, Sevenstar finds himself lying in the bottom of an ELEVATOR shaft with the devil in mount!

MK, with both guys doomed to an eternity of hell, realizes the devil is one crafty dude. Meditating, and building his vast amount of Qi reserve, MK is trying to figure out something that will work. Just then in the stress of meditative qi cultivation, he lets a huge qi infused gas ball rip!

"Catch that and Grapple it" he yells!

[John Takeshi]

MMA fighters are the lowest form of scum in the great chain of being.