David Jamieson
09-10-2007, 03:27 PM
here ya go, heed em.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.*
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a Nanaimo bar in each hand.
17. Middle age is generally when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. It is not a good idea to weigh more than your refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the world has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings".**
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "obsession".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. (The second and third most destructive forces are ignorance and apathy.)
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
37: Somewhere there's a butterfly who has a great deal to answer for!
38: Anyone who tells you that he or she is an intellectual, isn't.
39: Nobody's perfect - there was only one perfect person and look what happened to Him!
40: Golf is not a sport, it's a lifestyle.
41: The only people who graduate from university and immediately land a job with a six-figure salary are the people whose parents own the company.
42: Unconditional love means loving someone because of their flaws, not in spite of them.
43: Cigarettes won't hurt you, but smoking them will.
44: If you can't stand the heat, stay away from the equator.
45: Everybody is good at something!
46: If you have low self-esteem, don't live with a cat.
47: On the other hand, if your self-esteem needs a boost, get a dog.
48: You can't change the world, but you can change yourself.
49: The best way to ensure a much-needed rainfall is to wash the car.
50: People who believe the promises made by politicians are the same people who believe that aliens have visited this planet.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.*
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a Nanaimo bar in each hand.
17. Middle age is generally when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. It is not a good idea to weigh more than your refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the world has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings".**
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "obsession".
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. (The second and third most destructive forces are ignorance and apathy.)
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
37: Somewhere there's a butterfly who has a great deal to answer for!
38: Anyone who tells you that he or she is an intellectual, isn't.
39: Nobody's perfect - there was only one perfect person and look what happened to Him!
40: Golf is not a sport, it's a lifestyle.
41: The only people who graduate from university and immediately land a job with a six-figure salary are the people whose parents own the company.
42: Unconditional love means loving someone because of their flaws, not in spite of them.
43: Cigarettes won't hurt you, but smoking them will.
44: If you can't stand the heat, stay away from the equator.
45: Everybody is good at something!
46: If you have low self-esteem, don't live with a cat.
47: On the other hand, if your self-esteem needs a boost, get a dog.
48: You can't change the world, but you can change yourself.
49: The best way to ensure a much-needed rainfall is to wash the car.
50: People who believe the promises made by politicians are the same people who believe that aliens have visited this planet.