300 things Gene Ching gives to children at christmas time

[bodhitree]

1 skulls of khamir roughe victims

2 dead rats

3 "exempt from crotchkick til 18" t-shirt (http://www.martialartsmart.net/Tshirt_and_Other_Garment.html)

4 silk pajamas (http://www.martialartsmart.net/Uniforms_Tai_Chi.html)

5 butterfly knives (http://www.martialartsmart.net/452067.html)

6 approves account for kfm.com membership

7 ashes (from cigarettes)

8 ashes of John Takeshi Korean genocide victims

9 balls of steel (http://www.martialartsmart.net/45-41l.html)

10 GDA's comedy dvd, including "my mother....big pimpin" outtakes

[MasterKiller]

11. Assorted Shaolin STDs.

[bodhitree]

12 official shaolin antibiotics (http://www.martialartsmart.net/Supplements.html)

[bodhitree]

13 Shaolin temple for wayward girls magazines for kids to hide under bed (http://www.martialartsmart.net/Magazine.html)

[Lucas]

14. Crotch Kicks (tm) for everyone!

[lkfmdc]

15. "Chi Water" (don't ask how he carbonates it!)

[lkfmdc]

16. A gift certificate for free legal advice

[bodhitree]

16. A gift certificate for free legal advice


you forgot to mention the advice is from Tu JinSheng (master of crotch pulling)

[golden arhat]

17. helen liangs "home movie" on hd dvd :D

[bodhitree]

17. helen liangs "home movie" on hd dvd :D

This is a numbered list, write a number ****tard

[golden arhat]

This is a numbered list, write a number ****tard

calm down man

jeez :rolleyes:

[GeneChing]

I celebrate Kwanzaa. :p

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

18. herpes.

[rogue]

19. Little Debbie Cream Pies. See? (http://www.littledebbie.com/products/JellyPies.asp)

20. Painful Rectal Itch (http://www.mothernature.com/Library/Bookshelf/Books/19/193.cfm)

[rogue]

21. Iced Honey Buns (http://www.littledebbie.com/products/IcedHoneyBun.asp)

22. A coach on how to do things just the way Gene likes it (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usrs6cm2vQg&feature=related).

[lkfmdc]

22. small pamphlet entitled "how to slide your spear (in the privacy of your own home)"

[lkfmdc]

23. pamphlet "the hidden Satanic meaning behind Kwaanza (first, sacrifice one goat)"

[rogue]

24. Bonsai Kittens (http://www.shorty.com/bonsaikitten/index.html) of course.

[Mook Jong]

No, i call shanagins on that. Bonsai kitten is too cruel to joke with, even if it is a Gene's expense.

[Merryprankster]

300 things?

Why, Spartans.

End of Thread.

[rogue]

No, i call shanagins on that. Bonsai kitten is too cruel to joke with, even if it is a Gene's expense.

Who's joking?

Yo MP, hope all is well.

[bodhitree]

24. Bonsai Kittens (http://www.shorty.com/bonsaikitten/index.html) of course.


better than chia pets

25 tiger crane chia pet (http://martialartsmart.net)

[lkfmdc]

26. leaves LKFMDC's thread about his discounted DVD up for all the kids to see :D

[Shaolin Wookie]

27. A punch to the face, to prepare them for life's many disappointments.

28. A 100$ gift certificate to Bed Bath & Beyond, for his own amusement at their disappointment.

29. Pink ninja uniforms for the boys, so he can call them emasculating names while imbibing his nog a little too liberally.

30. Chinese toys from Wal-Mart.

[Shaolin Wookie]

31. A stockpile of "W'04" bumper stickers.

The *******!

[SifuAbel]

32. Friction Burns.

[Shaolin Wookie]

Gross........just gross......

33. Autographed political pamphlets from Chairman Mao.

[Shaolin Wookie]

34. MAMart's RexKwanDo American Flag gi's. He gave one to an orphan last year, and called him an American Flag, conveniently ommitting the "l" in Flag. He then added, you put the "***" in "flag" for the sake of overkill.

35. Copies of a bootlegged DVD "Gone Baby Gone," "Man on Fire" and "Running Scared." He placed a warning on the cover---this happens all the time. ALL THE TIME!!!!

[SifuAbel]

36. An all expenses PAID trip to the Neverland ranch.

[Shaolin Wookie]

37. Well, it was hard, lumpy, dark, and dry, but it wasn't a piece of coal.

[sanjuro_ronin]

38: 101 ways to kill someone with your beard, co-authored by Chuck "choo-choo" Norris.

[Shaolin Wookie]

38. Honestly, I don't know what he gives them, but I know the cheap b@stard takes it right back.

[jo]

38. A Jack Springer Throwdown 2004 Tee Shirt.

- jo

[Shaolin Wookie]

39. He gives 1bad65 and the whole BS Brat Pack a slew of "I'm a groupie for Rudy" T-shirts.

40. On the back of the shirts it reads: "I go Ape for Rudy."

41. The matching track pants have a patch on the crotch featuring a banana. See, because they get a banana in their pants when they see Rudy.;)

[Lama Pai Sifu]

42. A 'Get Out Of Bannishment - FREE' Card. In case any kids mention the names of those who cannot be mentioned. :eek:

[Shaolin Wookie]

43. Black Samurai, Criterion Collection DVD.

[bodhitree]

44. Shares in Genes newest venture: Official Shaolin Hair products!

[Shaolin Wookie]

45. Set includes a Shaolin razor, some cotton swabs, and no questions asked. For 10$ extra, though, you get the official Shaolin Jheri Curl ointment.

46. Gene models the latest do. Set comes complete with Sais for pickin' the fro:

[Shaolin Wookie]

47. Some of the street cred he just got for the fro.

[bodhitree]

That fro was quality work. I think you're better at photoshop than lkfmdc!



(creative photoshop challange implied!)

[Shaolin Wookie]

(Yes, MS Paint is a precision tool in the right hands)....:o

[rogue]

48. He gives the children's moms something special from the "Gene" pool, if you know what I mean.;)

[bodhitree]

48. He gives the children's moms something special from the "Gene" pool, if you know what I mean.;)


you mean he passes along the webbed toe genes, good for crotchkickin!

[PHILBERT]

49.) The truth about Santa Claus not being real.

[The Willow Sword]

Gene Ching Sings to all the Keyboard warriors Who Envy his title and position at KFM;)

50. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHrwcQrY-JM :D


TWS

[The Xia]

51.) A card for a crotch-kicked anonymous support group... followed by a crotch kick.

[rogue]

Gene Ching Sings to all the Keyboard warriors Who Envy his title and position at KFM;)

50. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHrwcQrY-JM :D


TWS

Wow, 7* looks good in that sweater, and I hear he sings that song to each punk he throws through the door. :)

52. KFM forum member action figures.

[Lama Pai Sifu]

(Yes, MS Paint is a precision tool in the right hands)....:o

Don't you mean 'Deadly Weapon'?

[Lama Pai Sifu]

53. A photo of him crotch-kicking Chuck Norris

(who was unable to block, even though Gene warned him of the specific attack, it's trajectory and it's target!) OUCH!

[bodhitree]

52. KFM forum member action figures.


Best idea ever

[rogue]

The 7* action figure deluxe set comes with a real cardigan sweater and an elevator shaft. The lkfmdc figure comes with a set of DVDs that it will sell at a discount to the other KFM action figures.:D

[bodhitree]

I hear your action figure comes with NRA membership card and a W 04 bumpersticker

[rogue]

and a good set of running shoes that get used when it pokes fun at 7*.:D

[MasterKiller]

52. KFM forum member action figures.


Best idea ever

Except the MasterKiller figure will be like "Storm Shadow" and sold out all the time, so all the shelves will just be full of lame "Short-Fuze"esque Rogue, Bodhitree, and JudgePen figures.

[bodhitree]

Except the MasterKiller figure will be like "Storm Shadow" and sold out all the time, so all the shelves will just be full of lame "Short-Fuze"esque Rogue, Bodhitree, and JudgePen figures.

masterkiller's will be popular with the same group of kids that like the Ace and Gary dolls, and the boys who buy the Kens

[bodhitree]

masterkillers action figure comes with a men's bathhouse membership card, a bottle of lube, and a seperate wardrobe for 'drag nights'

[MasterKiller]

masterkiller's will be popular with the same group of kids that like the Ace and Gary dolls, and the boys who buy the Kens

So that means you will own 3 of them, then? One for the shelf to stare at, one you can scratch the paint off and pretend he is nekkid while u touch it, and the other one for exploring your "special" place?

[bodhitree]

So that means you will own 3 of them, then?


you apparently have a reading comprehension problem

[bodhitree]

53. the masterfigure pink catalac to go along w/ action figure

[bodhitree]

54. My life partner went to hom0klahoma and all I got was this t-shirt t- shirt

[bodhitree]

55. Dirty underwear filled heavybag (http://www.martialartsmart.net/10-820.html)

[PHILBERT]

56.) A dead bunny, with a note attached saying "No Easter next year."

[The Xia]

57.) A neilhytholt/lungushan action figure that cleans the house and warns of the dangers of matt herpes.
58.) A John Takeshi action figure with voice-activated authentic Shaolin poetry.
59.) Grandmaster Andy (Judo Grandmaster) with Judo Katana attacks.

[lkfmdc]

60) a book which is a variation on 'where's waldo" except you have to spot the one armed CLF san da master in the crowd

61) a copy of Lama Pai Sifu's Sahp Jih Kyuhn instructional video tape (yes, VIDEO TAPE, it's from the 1990's! You don't have a video tape machine? :mad: tough!)

62) A crucified LKFMDC to hang over their beds (Kwan Do included)

[sanjuro_ronin]

63) the REAL WC Bong :

[bodhitree]

64. some, eh, tobacco for the wing chung 'water pipe'

65. qi chicklets

[sanjuro_ronin]

66. Mentos, the chi maker !!

[Mas Judt]

67. Instructions on how to find a wing chun dummy; "Usually around 5' tall, brown or black hair, about 90lbs...

[Mas Judt]

68. The "Artist Formerly known as MonkeySlap" Action Figure with Kung Fu Grip Action.

[Seppukku]

69. Homework. HWRAHWRAHWRA!!!!!!:eek:

[Mas Judt]

70. A Chinese police badge and the power to send anyone for two years to a hard labor camp without trial or recourse, just like in China.

[cjurakpt]

71. Influenza

[cjurakpt]

72. free copies of "Gene Ching's Guide to Home & Neighborhood Safety", featuring topics such as 'Crotch Kicks First, Calls For Help Later', 'Melted Nacho Cheese Spills: Anyone Can Learn To Do A Skin Graft!' and 'When Daddy's Kisses Just Aren't Enough: the Shaolin Home for Wayward Girls' (although, for the life of me, I'm not sure what that last chapter is doing in there, but anyway...)

[bodhitree]

73. Shaolin Stripper Pole Style instructional dvd's (http://ezine.kungfumagazine.com/forum/showpost.php?p=823046&postcount=55)

[rubthebuddha]

74. sphincterine (http://www.mintyass.com/)

[bodhitree]

75 Toothbrushes

76 ticket to cruise w/ catholic priests

[brothernumber9]

A copy of a book he co-wrote with MP's friend about their own theories and knowledge on BJJ, titled, "THE JUITS".

[bodhitree]

77 coupon for "CASTROTTTTIIIIII" operation so they can keep their youthful voices.


RD's action figure comes complet with tiny laptop link to match.com and a box of kleenex!

[Takuan]

RD's action figure comes complet with tiny laptop link to match.com and a box of kleenex!

* shudder *

[David Jamieson]

a life size cardboard cutout of himself in a shaolin novice garb, standing on one leg, haling a cab. as seen here with his pal, robert downey junior's younger brother who is praying for some reason: gene posing full size cutout! (http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.com/I/martialartsmart_1976_134999039)

:D

[bodhitree]

79. Gene's first book: A Brief History of Trolling on KFM: From Blooming Lotus and Chinggei to John Takeshi and Truthman. Abridged Edition. 2007. Workbook CD-ROM Included. Forward by Fighting Lad. (http://www.martialartsmart.net)

80. Gene's second book: Nacho Cheeze and Ninjettes, the Sociology of the Asian American Experience.
81. Tu Jin Shengs Iron Crotch Jr. Set (ages 6 and up) (www.martialartsmart.net)

[brothernumber9]

Hah!! he looks like a Shaolin Captain Morgan commercial!

oh....

82. bottles of Shaolin Captain Morgan's Rum.

[bodhitree]

Hah!! he looks like a Shaolin Captain Morgan commercial!

oh....

82. bottles of Shaolin Captain Morgan's Rum.


Shouldn't it be like "Admiral Kwan's Rice Wine" or "Admiral Ng's Tsing Tao Beer" or something like that?

[bodhitree]

83. Gene's first Childrens book: The Birds, the Bees, Fishnets, Handcuffs, and Nacho Ninjettes. Everything you need to know about degrading, uh, I mean preserving the Human Race!

[Meat Shake]

84. Nightmares.

[The Xia]

85. The mind of the tiger spiritual.
86. Gymkata on DVD.
87. Gene's second Children's book: How I dealt with bullies - Crotch kicks, Dim Mak, and a Kwan Dao (http://www.martialartsmart.net/45-81cs.html).

[lkfmdc]

88. Scary children's book, "The Kemo who stole X-Mas"

[The Xia]

Based on his posts, he seems more likely to try to steal Hanukkah! :eek: :D

[lkfmdc]

Based on his posts, he seems more likely to try to steal Hanukkah! :eek: :D

it is pronounced "Chaka Khan"

:p

[SPJ]

actually, it is very difficult to find practice swords, or staff for children or young teen other than TOYS.

--

:eek::(

[Becca]

Depends on your definition of "toy." I got a very nice wooden plum sward. That can't be used for anything other than practice realy but I wouldn't call it a toy... My oldest son also has a wooden katana, since the gentalman who sold it to me commented that while it wasn't the correct shape, it would resist damage from striking the ground... and any sward that kid practices with is likely to hit the ground...

[The Xia]

it is pronounced "Chaka Khan"

:p
lol, which brings us to...
89. An "Eight Nights of lkfmdc's Chaka Khan Karaoke" album. :eek:
90. The unpopular book, Insanity, the internet, and ****ing people off - By Dupisha.

[lkfmdc]

91. DVD of short lived and unpopular nightly variety show "Dupisha and Kemo, still crazy after all these years"

[The Xia]

92. Kemo's Iron Palm Kit.
93. Kemo's Iron Crotch Kit. :eek:

[Lucas]

94. lifetime supply of physical therapy to help counter act the effects of Kemo's products.

[bodhitree]

95. Ban hammers:mad:

[lkfmdc]

96. A nice, quiet forum :D

[Kemo Martin]

96. A nice, quiet forum :D


hahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha:D

:D

[MasterKiller]

hahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha:D

:D

If you like this post, please send Kemo your thoughts: Sanda@sandakungfu.com

[bodhitree]

If you like this post, please send Kemo your thoughts: Sanda@sandakungfu.com

that email actually doesn't work.

[lkfmdc]

I REPEAT

96. A nice, quiet forum :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[lkfmdc]

97. Ginger Bread Shaolin Temple with marshmellow monks :D

[lkfmdc]

98. chocolate monk spades :p

[bodhitree]

99. Special christmas dit da jow with extra chocolate and nutmeg

[cjurakpt]

98. chocolate monk spades :p

"Chocolate monk? CHOCOLATE MONK?!?"

(name that movie, you get a Gene Ching kewpie doll)

[cjurakpt]

96. A nice, quiet forum :D


hahahahahahahahahahaahahahaha:D

:D

Peace on Earth, Good Will To Men...

[bodhitree]

100 Official Shaolin Gift Cards (not officially accepted at shaolin!)


Only 3 x this to finish up!

[bodhitree]

101. Shaolin taco time building hide and go seek, to add to the fun he invites John Micheal Carr, Michael Jackson, and local priests!

[bodhitree]

102. Sevenstar pops out of the christmas cake naked:eek:

[Seppukku]

103. Gene lights the candle. But he's wearing a blindfold from a game of "Pin the tail on the Lama".

"Wait!" shouts Bodhitree. "That ain't a candle!"

Soon there's the bad smell of burning hair and flesh, and a naked Sevenstar trundles down the street, smothered in pastry. He gets mobbed by homeless on 15th and Washington. He shows up at the police station, licked clean, and in shock. He has yet to recover.

This really happened.

[GeneChing]

104. After noting that the forum fell 196 things short of their goal, I realize how pathetically lame you all are and that this can only be rectified by further education in the Chinese martial arts, so I'm giving you a holiday discount - 50% off our subscription rate (http://www.martialartsmart.net/19341.html) - so you can all go and edumacate yourselves.

[MasterKiller]

105. Shakes head at all the pathetic attempts to capture the glory of MK's original Gene Ching thread. (http://forum.kungfumagazine.com/forum/showthread.php?t=39419)

[PHILBERT]

106.) The true origin of Wing Chun.