Write the Kung Fu obituary for the guy who posted above you

[MasterKiller]

"In what police are calling a David Carradine copycat case, Uki was found strangled early Tuesday morning hanging from a brick archway in his backyard. A neighbor who found the body said he was wearing red stiletto heals and a lace body stocking. One end of a leather strap was wound tightly around his neck, and the other was attached to what investigators described as "either an enlarged clitoral appendage or an eerily small pen1s."

Investigators were puzzled that the body was in such good condition, considering the strong smell of the deceased suggested he had been hanging in the hot summer sun for at least seven days."

[uki]

john doe. no personal possesions, no id, no cash, no clothes... manner of death: exposure.

according to the dental x-rays and nail fragments, this individual had his lower mandible pulled off and forcefully thrust into his eyesockets accordingly - evidently this individual was incapable of properly sustaining itself in order to procreate a future generation... no gene pool contribution. :)

[Scott R. Brown]

An unnamed police detective close to the investigation released a photograph showing MasterKiller in the other room with his head stuck up his a$$. Police found a note believed to be written by MasterKiller. The noted stated that the resulting excitement from murdering uki and posing the body to provide a spectacle, caused MasterKiller to experiment with other perversions. It is believed that MasterKiller did not intend to commit suicide, but that having his head up his a$$ was so enjoyable, he forgot to pull it out!:D

[TenTigers]

Darwin Award Grand Prize Winner:
I what looked like a bizzare Yoga position gone horribly wrong, (your name here) was found dead of both asphixiation and loss of blood. __________ was found in the No-Tell Motel, and as far as forensic investigators could deduce, while trying to felate himself, slipped ooff of his bed which was still vibrating from the "Magic Fingers" setting, causing him to bite off his own pen1s, which became lodged in his throat, thus choking him. __________ was apparantly also a fan of Richard Gere. He was pronounced dead at the scene. The gerbil survived.






(names were intentionally omitted, as I don't want this to get "out of hand.")
all we need is for our names to come up on search engines!LOL

[lkfmdc]

Today "RK", also known by his street name "Ten Tigers" was found in a ditch by the river. While friends state that RK was only in his 50's, the coroner estimated the body's age at around 105. The body, found in leather bondage clothing, smelled of either bengay or tiger balm? INstead of the expected ball gag, RK's mouth had a large red apple in it. Police suspect foul play :D

[xcakid]

In a rare accidental death incident, lkfmdc, a martial arts instructor and sanda coach out of NY, accidently killed himself whilst demonstrating a rare martial arts technique called the dim mak. lkfmdc was demonstrating the devastating power by breaking concrete blocks when one of the seminar participants challenged lkfmdc that he could not even "knock himself out" with this technique. Not to be called a liar, lkfmdc then proceeded to use the dim mak on his own head to knock himself out. But alas, his powers were too strong thereby turning his brain into mush that lead to his ulimate death.

Memorial Services will be held Tues at Our Lady of Ill Repute.

[Iron_Eagle_76]

Another serial killer bites the dust today thanks to the Texas justice system. Deranged serial killer John Doe, known in the media as xcakid due to his dislexia, was executed via lethal injection after being found guilty of murdering seventeen victims using what is known in chinese martial arts as Iron Crotch. The victims faces were so badly dismembered that identification had to come through fingerprints and DNA. The Iron Crotch master reportedly laughed at the doctor who administered the letal dose, telling him "My crotch will rise again". The deranged killer was arrested only two weeks ago, but the recent express lane for capital punishment recently implemented in the great state of Texas assured a speedy trial. Donations for the victims families can be submitted at www.justiceforironcrotch.com.

[lkfmdc]

Memorial Services will be held Tues at Our Lady of Ill Repute.

that saved the whole thing! :D

[KC Elbows]

In a tragic turn of events that left the family of lkfmdc twice mourning the death of the well known martial artist, scholar, and spiritual guide to the village people, lkfmdc was believed to have recovered from his own death touch only to succumb to the fatal effects of an internet virus he caught while post wh0ring.

In an effort to accurately write out his obituary, his family has asked that anyone in the New York area who believes that lkfmdc might be their father please call them. Please title your emails "baby daddy?". Please be timely, as only those who can respond before the funeral will be able to participate in the "LKFMDC's Kids" panoramic photo.

Thank you.

[David Jamieson]

KC Elbows died yesterday while mishandling his razor sharp wit.
Funeral at 10, pictures at 11. BYOB

[Mas Judt]

David Jamison, better known as Kung Lek was found dead just South of the U.S. border in Minnesota. It was believed the undocumented migrant (illegal alien) was entering the country to get a character transplant. A procedure that has a 10 year wait list in the nationalized health system in Canada. Known for his frustration with the Canadian habit of being nice, he had high hopes of receiving a New Yorker character transplant. "So I could more like that guy IKFMDC," David was fond of saying. Sadly, he died in vain as President Obama had just instituted a Chicago-style mob-government-corporate system that screws the little guy and funnels all the money to his cronies. A border agent commented, "We'll have to fine his family, as he died without permission from the U.S. Health Ministry."

[SPJ]

"In what police are calling a David Carradine copycat case, Uki was found strangled early Tuesday morning hanging from a brick archway in his backyard. A neighbor who found the body said he was wearing red stiletto heals and a lace body stocking. One end of a leather strap was wound tightly around his neck, and the other was attached to what investigators described as "either an enlarged clitoral appendage or an eerily small pen1s."

Investigators were puzzled that the body was in such good condition, considering the strong smell of the deceased suggested he had been hanging in the hot summer sun for at least seven days."

despite of rumors of foul play around his death.

david carradine will be remembered as the squinting eyes chinaman seeking his family in the wild wild west featured in Kung fu the series in early 1970s.

it is not about what a man can take with him. but what he may leave behind.

final bidding farewell will be held in the lobby of neverland.

oh young boy may attend at your own risk.

the place was haunted by a former owner that was fond of the company of a young boy.

no trick or treat at halloween in the neverland either.

one left behind tales of taoism and shaolin kung fu

the other left behind young boy beware--

[SPJ]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsbniHqKLtc

finding neverland.

:)

[Water Dragon]

Mas Judt was found dead early Thursday in Chicago. Apparently, Mr. Judt slipped down the stairs and disembowled himself on the 357 knives found on his person. A ten inch folder found hidden inside his rectum is believed to have delivered the fatal cut.

Mas Judt has trained in a variety of arts including Judo, Shuai Chiao, SPM, Xing Yi Chuan and Kuntao-Silat among others. He is rumored to have completed the infamous Iron Croth training and has been seen more than once c*ck slapping a ho in a dark, South Side alley. He also hits really, really hard.

In addition to his martial achievement, Mr. Judt was a successful businessman and right wing conspiracy theorist. His death was most likely an assasination by the Obama Administration. That's what the headstone's gonna say anyway.

Mas Judt is survived by Water Dragon and Royal Dragon who have agreed to stop their endless bickering at least long enough to pay tribute to their fallen Master.

[Water Dragon]

And yeah, I know SPJ was above me, but the thread went off on a tangeant, and poor Joe got missed.

[Taryn P.]

Water Dragon has gone to sleep with the fishes at last, after accepting an Internet Death Match Challenge from Chuck Norris. WD's dying wish was that the KFM forum be informed that he DID INDEED get a clean judo throw on Chuck.... but was then fatally distracted when a couple of bystanders in the crowd started a conversation on political finance.

Chuck Norris is being sought for questioning, and was last seen fleeing north persued by one p!ssed-off-looking big bulldog.

[uki]

taryn p. was found suffocated in bed... medical examiners at the scene believe that while sleeping on her back, a banana fell out of her underarm plantations and landed in her mouth, thus cutting off her air supply as she slept dreaming about knocking the teeth out of men. there will be no funeral service - a hand written wallet-will(in the event of events such as this), her body is to be fed to a tiger. :p

[brothernumber9]

The world mourned today as they learned of the passing of precarious internet celebrity "SPJ", known to his homies on the screet as "Special Probation Jones".
Sources say SPJ died from a stroke after finally beating Mike Tyson on the "Punch Out" Nintendo game. Witnesses say just as he died, he muttered the words, "..this sh!t is bananas....B..A...N..A...N...A....Sssssssssss..... .".

SPJ first became famous for wearing a Burger King digital watch on his ankle and telling everyone he was on Lo-Jack. SPJ was also famous for owning the worlds largest collection of Phil Collins tapes, CD's, and 8 tracks, worth an estimated 800 billion dollars, that he is donating to the world wide "Save Light Rock" campaign.
A memorial service will be held at the basketball court this evening, participants are urged to bring a 40oz and pour a little out at the stroke 8.

[TenTigers]

Reuters: KFO's "Pepe LePew" washed up for good
Apparantly new Tide gets rid of more than just stains. During an enviornmental awareness Day celebration, three unidentified, shaved headed men, in HAZMAT gear, one carrying a bag of walnuts and a watermelon, the other possibly a psychotic who was just giggling and mumbling incoherant medical jargon and the third, oddly enough, wearing a plaid Catholic High School skirt, snatched one of America's living anomalies-Uki, the Human Pollution-thought to be an urban myth, and threw him into a washtub containing Laundry soap, and Lysol. Using long handled scrub brushes donated by the local brushless carwash, they scrubbed the man and his clothes until there was no sign of dirt, grime, fecal matter, fungus, lice, toe-jam,frumunda cheeze, skidmarks, or human grease to be found. However what was to be found...was NOT found.
It seemed that when all the human waste and filth had been washed away, there was nothing left.
Scientists are baffled, but are not going to continue any investigation as government fuding refuses to waste money on trivial matters such as the enviornment.

[TenTigers]

I need to type faster....

[lkfmdc]

THIS JUST IN regarding death of "RK", known on the street as "Ten Tigers". A suicide note was found! Unfortunately, as RK didn't type very quickly, the note is incomplete!

[MasterKiller]

In a shocking turn of events, MasterKiller is being held on suspicion of involvement in the brutal bludgeoning death of Taryn P. Her body was found last week by a curious mailman, who noticed she was not emptying her mailbox. He notified police, who broke into her house, only to find a grisly scene. She was found dead, strewn across her bed. The only visible injury was that her pelvis had been completely crushed, resulting in massive internal injuries. "The bone is pulverized," the county coroner said. "She must have been pounded upon for several hours with tremendous, god-like force."

[lkfmdc]

In a shocking turn of events, MasterKiller is being held on suspicion of involvement in the brutal bludgeoning death of Taryn P. Her body was found last week by a curious mailman, who noticed she was not emptying her mailbox. He notified police, who broke into her house, only to find a grisly scene. She was found dead, strewn across her bed. The only visible injury was that her pelvis had been completely crushed, resulting in massive internal injuries. "The bone is pulverized," the county coroner said. "She must have been pounded upon for several hours with tremendous, god-like force."

without pics, this thread is useless...

[TenTigers]

"She must have been pounded upon for several hours with tremendous, god-like force."

I have verifiable accounts and witnesses that although this does indeed seem to strongly suggest that I would be the suspect, I was nowhere near the scene of the crime.

[Taryn P.]

She was found dead, strewn across her bed. The only visible injury was that her pelvis had been completely crushed, resulting in massive internal injuries. "The bone is pulverized," the county coroner said. "She must have been pounded upon for several hours with tremendous, god-like force."

The autopsy report just came back from the state lab. The broken pelvis is of course not the cause of death. While this would certainly be enough to kill a normal person, Taryn P. is well known to routinely break a bone, snap it back into place, tape it, apply a little Tiger Balm, and return to class. The true cause of death: after that harrowing hours-long ordeal, she appears to have perished of boredom. DNA results on the semen are still pending.

[TenTigers]

well, that certainly proves it. Vindicated!

[David Jamieson]

ok, this thread went from zero to wtf in only a few posts.

tremendous

[SPJ]

The autopsy report just came back from the state lab. The broken pelvis is of course not the cause of death. While this would certainly be enough to kill a normal person, Taryn P. is well known to routinely break a bone, snap it back into place, tape it, apply a little Tiger Balm, and return to class. The true cause of death: after that harrowing hours-long ordeal, she appears to have perished of boredom. DNA results on the semen are still pending.

postmenopausal ladies high risk for osteoporosis and pelvic/hip fracture

maybe Ca or soy--

:eek:

[KC Elbows]

THREAD DIES, IT PROFESSIONALS FORCED BACK TO WORK

It seemed like an ordinary Friday, with most of the IT staff loading up on an inordinate amount of the bagels meant for the sales team before eventually secluding themselves in their area. By the day's end, all would be touched by a tragedy.

"I remember thinking, what's Bob doing out of his cubicle?" Said one anonymous source. "I mean, it's not unusual for him to come out occasionally, get a can of mountain dew and some corn nuts from the vending machine, but he was asking about some code he was supposed to fix. On a Friday."

Other sources paint a similar picture of Bob, an IT worker who, according to sources, practices an ancient fighting art named Wang Chung.

[Photo of desk with family photo at center, photo being Bob photoshopped next to various characters from Final Fantasy]

Bob appears to be just one of many affected by the same tragedy: a dead thread.

"Well, the problem is, you've got a thread just meandering about, but it's far too soon for thread necromancy," says David Jamieson, Director of the Canadian Foundation for the Study of Wasting a Lot of Frikkin Time(CFSWLF). "So it just dies there. Where once there was a point, some goal or clever distraction, now, it's just not there anymore, it's the hot chick you slept with once only to discover that you were better in bed than she was."

That's not all, according to David.

"Well, here we're talking about a thread that dies on or close to a Friday. There's really no recovering from that. The forums are just too slow on a Friday to sustain any but the most vibrant of threads. It's natural selection, and it is random, so the reason why 'What is your favorite kick?' dies and 'What part of me is covered in flan?' Goes for three months is often unclear until years later, if at all."

"It's commonly known that thread mortality is highest on the weekday before a holiday, at which point even previously strong 'vs.' threads, like 'Who would win: Bruce Lee vs. Locusts' or 'Vanderlei Silva vs. Challenge: His right pec vs. His left pec' might perish forevermore. For the thread in question to go on an ordinary Friday, well, there's something going on there, the question is what?"

For an answer to that question, Ten Tigers from the forum related think-tank known as the Bored Group says one need look no further than the thread's beginning.

"What we have here is a thread started by a staff member. A staff member, for those unfamiliar with the term, is essentially a person combing the forum for the use of bad words and hidden Nazi messages in large unformated blocks of text left by near illiterates. Staff members simply do not have the time to think up and back a compelling thread; they are kept too busy doing online phrase searches so that their bosses do not get in trouble because Karl Stemmers of the Detroit School of Chinese Boxing thought "Hot Karl" would be a good handle."

What does this mean for Bob?

"Well," Says David Jamieson, "It's not to the point where he should get right to work. These spikes in productivity can be avoided; what the Bob's of the world need to do is diversify, play a flash game based around exploding bunnies, look at the discussion section of the scientology entry for Wikipedia, get a hummer from the cute girl in HR. Life can go on for posters, even when the thread is dead."

[SPJ]

a thread for death.

death is an honorable event, even though people do not celebrate it like a birth.

nobody really likes to read or write the orb.

death is a very private moment. only the love ones will feel the loss in greatness.

mourning and grieving sometimes are just unbearable.

then we gather enough strength and courage to pay a final respect in words or in person.

---

and usually we only mention the good things about the person that just left us.

we are honoring the death.

--

:(

[SPJ]

a thread for death.

death is an honorable event, even though people do not celebrate it like a birth.

nobody really likes to read or write the orb.

death is a very private moment. only the love ones will feel the loss in greatness.

mourning and grieving sometimes are just unbearable.

then we gather enough strength and courage to pay a final respect in words or in person.

---

and usually we only mention the good things about the person that just left us.

we are honoring the death.

--

:(

it is not about holding on to something.

it is about letting it go.