Post the dumbest martial arts question you can think of.

[Chang Style Novice]

I wish to learn drunken monkey style in the most traditional manner. What kind of monkey should I get, and how much whiskey should I give it?

_______________________
I am the Grand Ultimate Silk Pyjama

[Fish of Fury]

when training iron body, should i use the steam setting?

__________________________________________________ _________________________ "I'm just trying to lull you into a genuine sense of security!"

[Kung Lek]

Is cynthia rothrock really the god queen of tibet?

So, this tiger crane stuff, is that what they use to put tigers in cages?

and the number one dumbest martial arts question ever...

"what about pointed sticks"?

peace

Kung Lek

Martial Arts Links (http://members.home.net/kunglek)

[Chang Style Novice]

How long will it take me to learn to catch a bullet in my teeth?

_______________________
I am the Grand Ultimate Silk Pyjama

[HopGar]

What about explosive chi?

When will I learn to vanish like a ninja?

The ultimate question....

When will I be the next Bruce Lee?

Sorry I couldnt resist.. :D

Zvika

"He's not dead, 'es resting! Well if 'e's resting, I'll wake him up! 'Ello Mr. Polly Parrot...." -Monty Python, Dead Parrot Sketch

[jjj]

Can I win in NHB using Kung Fu?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's not really NHB because they won't let me bring a platoon of Navy SEAL's with Blackhawk fire support into the ring!"
-Watchman

[kwokfist]

ouch.

[Sharky]

wow yeah, that was really harsh. i wish i had the wit to come up with something like that.

All i wanted was some RICE CAKES! Now? WE MUST BATTLE.

[taijiquan_student]

:D

"Duifang jing zhi meng ji, wo fang tui zhi ce fang xi zhi."

[Johnny Hot Shot]

You use it for throwing right?

What about.."Wait, how do you do that again?"

Where can I take lessons from Ashida Kim??

"Life's a great Adventure, Mate"
Jacko Jackson

[Kung Lek]

NÄ*de ZhÅ�ngwén shuÅ�-de zÄ›nmeyÃ*ng Sensei?

hahahahahahahah...ok, it's not that funny, but a little maybe? get it?...never mind

peace

Kung Lek

Martial Arts Links (http://members.home.net/kunglek)

[taijiquan_student]

.....hahaha.....
ni hui shuo hanyu ma?(wo hanyu shuo de bu hao)
(how do you do the little tone-line-things on the computor?)

"Duifang jing zhi meng ji, wo fang tui zhi ce fang xi zhi."

[Martial Joe]

If I become a ninja can I jump off the Empire State Building and live?


Why is there an M in Martial? Does it mean something?

http://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/lolup.gif IXIJoe KaveyIXIhttp://www.stopstart.fsnet.co.uk/smilie/lolup.gif
I am Sharky's main man...

[Sam Wiley]

Is that stuff you do like Karate?

:mad:

*********

[Nutt'nhunny]

Ne(3) men do shr(4) hen(2) bun(4).

Ne du di yi tz shua zhe ma yang? Wo bu jr dao.

Gun(4) ne(3) ma du chi bie. Biow(4) tz(4)

wo(3) dei(3) kan(4) ne(3) toe(1). I must chop your head!

Amazing what you can learn watching kung fu movies with a booklet on tonal pronunciation.

Heres my question. I chien wo may tien lien gong fu, rang ho, wo du chi chi shr tai show. Jr shr zhen mo? At first I began practicing kung fu and now, my pe nis is too small. Whats going on?

[CD Lee]

How much does it cost, and where can I get a Golden Bell to learn Golden Bell Qigong?

[Kung Lek]

NÄ* zÃ*i dă tÃ*ijÃ*quán

WÅ� zÃ*i zuò qìgÅ�ng

TÄ�men zÃ*i kÃ*n diÃ*nshì :D heh heh heh

Use your character map. What I do is gather all the tonals and place them into notepad, when I need to write, I use the file as a template, write, then paste it here. Works good.

no offence intended for those of you who got that, its for the "others" hahahahahaha

ok back to english cause I know this is gonna tee some folks off.

Q: so, I take the peach from where?

peace

Kung Lek

Martial Arts Links (http://members.home.net/kunglek)

[Ozihn]

How is it an art if you don't put it in museums?


http://www.tutorialforums.com/images/smilies/New/classic.gif

[Radhnoti]

How about "Have you ever killed anyone with it?" Or "Have you already registered your hands as lethal weapons?"

[dubj]

What are martial arts and by the way, what is a question?

[nanwu]

Can BJJ fight multiple attackers?.............
I hold a black belt in this style,can I transfer my rank to your style?????????????

Relik...

[straight blast]

Did David Carradine really teach Bruce Lee?

If I kick you here, will it hurt?

Is TKD any good?

Steven Seagal does Karate, doesn't he?

(My favourite) Does it hurt getting knocked out? Can you still feel the floor when you hit it?

Do your shins hurt when you kick them up against someone else's?

The list goes on

"Pain is merely weakness leaving the body"

[SUGREF]

"So let me get this straight. It can go up and down, but not side to side, or back in time"

'He who says nothing, consents' JP Sartre

[SUGREF]

"How did you get concussion? I thought tai chi was for meditation" :confused:

'He who says nothing, consents' JP Sartre

[Kristoffer]

"are u sure thats effective?"
~sla-DUNK~
:eek:

"outch" :(

~K~
"maybe not in combat..... but think of the chicks man, the chicks!"

[dz]

"What if I do... THIS?!"

[sultanpro]

Who is ths Bruce guy everyone keeps talking about?
or
Shaolin Temple? Oh, you mean like the movies?
or
Van Damm is the Grandmaster of what system?

Skard

Its not what goes in a man that defile's him, its what comes out.

[shaolinboxer]

How's your karate lessons? (applicable to those who study anything besides karate)

[stubbs]

do you think i will ever become as good as him?

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/1892198010.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

"satisfaction loses,and humility gains"

[alecM]

What should I do if some one head buts me in the face

Fear not the man who has learned one thousand kicks, fear the man who has practiced one kick a thousand times.

[JWTAYLOR]

Well yeah, but what if I just pull out a gun and shoot you?

And another question someone actually asked me over the phone.

"Yeah, I saw the Matrix, and I've taken some Karate before, so I wanted to know if that's the kind of stuff you guys do?"

My only possible answer was, "Yes, that is exactly the kind of thing we do here. As a matter of fact, you could learn most of it in the first class."

JWT

If you pr!ck us, do we not bleed? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that the villany you teach me, I will execute, and it shall go hard but I will better the instruction. MOV

[sanjia]

" so what's the difference between -insert style name here- and -insert another style name here- again?"

I hate that one :-)

Mark

[Budokan]

Is it true most BJJ guys are closet 'mos?

Will Rolls fight me if I challenge him over the internet, or do I have to be one of his avatars?

Can I learn karaddy like Bruce Lee?

Dad, why does JuiJitsuJedi slurp up liquid pig sh*t with his nose and take it up the a$$ from a green-dicked donkey--and LIKE it?

Wow, you mean I too can be a black belt master if I buy your certificate over the internet for only $500?!--

K. Mark Hoover

[Budokan]

How can I do the Ten Hands Kata if I'm not a mutant?

K. Mark Hoover

[Shaolin36]

If I train at Wudan, can I walk up walls?

[Chang Style Novice]

Ah, yes. The classic Matrix question. Correct answer -

"No, that only works if you are a hallucinating moron living in a computer fantasy world. We prefer to train for the physical realm of existence."

And if you want to walk up walls, I recommend a bite from a radioactive spider. Let me know how that turns out.
_______________________
I am the Grand Ultimate Silk Pyjama

[Tigerstyle]

What's the name of that style where you have to kill an animal to get your black belt?

[Nexus]

Does this stuff really work?

My friend is a black belt in xxxxxxxx and he says that you are a fake. Can I challenge him to show him that XXXXXXX is better than his?

How many years will it take for me to become a 'Master?'

Can I call myself a martial artist yet?

Is kung fu a side dish with lo mein?

After I learn sword and staff, can I move on to the slinky?

- Nexus

[toddbringewatt]

Can you show me some techniques that are undefendable?


P.S. Hey Chang Style! Still waiting for that info I sent away for. Expect an email soon. :)

"Bruce Leroy. That's who!"

[Robinf]

"I saw in this movie one guy bow like this and then a woman bow like that. Is it because of gender?"

Actual question.

Robin

Surrender yourself to nature and be all that you are.

[Ryu]

True question posed to one of my female Chinese friends from Beijing after the movie Crouching Tiger was released in the US...

Ahem...... (actual question, remember)

Are they actually flying in that movie??


.....................
why oh why, did my friend say "of course not"

......she could of said "why of course, and I can fly too!"

:(
sigh...if only I was there.

LOL!

Ryu

http://judoinfo.com/images/kimuraosawa.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

[CD Lee]

You mean that was FAKE? I really thought they could fly. Crap.

If I study Martial Arts, will somebody still be able to hit me?


Can you slice the top off a bottle with a karate chop like in Karate Kid?

If I like get registered as a legal weapon, can I like not ever conceal myself in public?

[CD Lee]

This came from my fiend who is a brown belt in TKD!!! I am not kidding about this!

In response to me saying I was going to take Xingyiquan Kung Fu...

"Thats the stuff where they do the death touch stuff right?"

He was serious.

[Gargoyle again]

True question overheard:

"Do pressure point strikes work better on ticklish people?"

"You should never, never doubt what no one is sure about."
--Willie Wonka

[Khun Kao Charuad]

Actual Question:

When will I be able to kick trees?

Khun Kao Charuad
SuriyaSak Muay Thai

[cwheelie]

"How much do the black sashes cost?" :p

de ja fu - The feeling that somewhere, somehow you've been kicked in the head like this before.

[SolarStance]

Is that thing sharp?

[Mojo]

1. Can we practice in the nude ?

2. Ever hang weights off your b@lls ?

3. What's the highest you can kick ?

4. Ever pose nude with a duck ? ( for JWT )

5. I'll trade you weed for lessons.

6. Can you beat Royce Gracie ?

7. I'm perspiring, can we stop now ?

I am the most humble person you'll ever meet.

[Robinf]

Mojo,

You reminded me of another question, thanks.

"What does it mean that I'm sweating?"

Another real question.

Robin

Surrender yourself to nature and be all that you are.

[Budokan]

Is it true a tiger's tail can smash a man's ribs?

Did you know Count Dante?

If I become a ninja do I have to kill someone to rank up?

Can I Dim Mak my neighbor's dog because it barks every night at the moon?

I want to save money on a vasectomy. Can you perform that surgery with a few well-placed fingertip strikes?

If I take judo-kai do I REALLY have to get kicked in the marbles, or can I just fake it like you guys and get on the Discovery Channel too?

K. Mark Hoover

[jun_erh]

hard/soft
internal/external etc. :rolleyes:

[Wongsifu]

guys its not that bad, in my country the accent adds beautiful emphasis to the questions, and because i dont have an accent it really ges on my nerves!!! THis was at my local video club

Garade= karate


Aaaaaah so you do Garade, here lemme show you this movie its great. ITs got briliiant Garade in it. Picking up a copy of beverly hills ninja.
Can you do that , huh can you do that.
Are you a ninjjja ?? Im a ninjja in my spare time he says.
Then every time i goin i get the same question asked
Do you do Broosh lee's style. ???
Do you do Brushe lee's style. aaaa lemme out.

what do bin laden and general custer have in common????
They're both wondering where the fu(k all of those tomahawks are coming from. - donated by mojo

[jaz1069]

"Now if I sign this contract, you can really make me a black belt in six months?!!!"

Seek first to understand, then to be understood-Stephen Covey

[Ryu]

Wongsifu,
Imagine how bad it is for me to actually have experience in JKD... :(

*sighs* "....yeah.. I do Broosh Lee's style..."


And the wonderful... "BJJ? You mean Royce Gracie's stuff??, hey I know this guy who stops time with his pe(ker, and is a tripple quadroople black belt in "I'm-A-****-Loser-Do", maybe I can hook you guys up to fight!"


As said before...yes I talk to weird people.
............... Gotta stop it. ;)

Ryu

http://judoinfo.com/images/kimuraosawa.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

[Wongsifu]

ryu i sympathise with you. .... !!!!

what do bin laden and general custer have in common????
They're both wondering where the fu(k all of those tomahawks are coming from. - donated by mojo

[Jaguar Wong]

"So if I get a Super Nintendo, and the Gracie CD Rom, I can also beat some of Marvin Perry's Nationally ranked San Shou opponents as well?"

Jaguar Wong

"If you learn to balance a tack hammer on your head
then you learn to head up a balanced attack!"
- The Sphinx

[Sharky]

Do you swallow?

All i wanted was some RICE CAKES! Now? WE MUST BATTLE.

[Merryprankster]

Dumbest question I can think of:

Ralek, will you fight me?

[FeloniousMonk]

I agree, it's the dumbest question I have asked and still is! I'll even fight him on a game if he likes, no reply. It doesn't bother me that he doesn't respond. I'll just keep on asking over and over and over and over, atleast until me or Relak dies.


Why do we practice with rubber knives?

Sifu, I think your chi is bullsh!t :D :eek:
why did I p!ss myself when you demonstrated your chi on me?

My boyfriend will kick your a$$ he's a black belt in TKD! He's been taking it for 3 years
:rolleyes:

The unbeatable Felonious Monk

[Budokan]

"Wow, that's not very big, is it?"

K. Mark Hoover

[patriot]

Are we there yet?

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

so is the divorce final now? she said that you really suck in bed, think i could do better?

is your daughter 18 yet?

what if i were to tell you that your about to be a grandfather?

where's my beer?

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

what do you think about tai bo?

where's my beer?

[Budokan]

How hard is your staff?

Can I sniff the gusset in your gi after you work out?

Isn't Rolls just the coolest?

K. Mark Hoover

[Budokan]

Does this look infected to you?

I want to be pinned by large sweaty guys. Is that normal?

You know, they call it a cup, but I tried drinking Gatorade from one of those things and you've really got to slurp fast before it pours out of those little holes. Hey, where are you going?

K. Mark Hoover

[nightair]

So where can I learn karate...
When can I do that stuff that was in croucing tiger hidden dragon...
So I point the sharp end at them, right..
:rolleyes:

DOH!!

[Turiyan]

"I think this (enter asian ethnic group) girl in class likes me. What do I have to do to get asian girls to like me?"

"I watched X anime last night. Are japanese girls really like that?"

Nice guys go fishing.

Turiyan
"Killing in a sacrifice is not killing.... The violence to those that move and dont move that is sanctioned by the veda - that is known as non-violence" [Laws of Manu 5.39,44]

"His own duty is conquest, and he must not turn back on a challenge." [Laws of Manu 10.119]

[ansgenius1]

Can you teach me that move where I shove someone's nose into their brain? Can you show me how to catch bullets? Isn't Keanu Reeves awesome at kung fu? Aaarrgghhh.

[Ryu]

LOL!!!
Turiyan, that was actually pretty **** funny! ;)

The anime stereotype is the most annoying...
how many people don't know the evils of Japanese women... :(

;)
jk jk, don't worry.

Ryu

http://judoinfo.com/images/kimuraosawa.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

[Tigerstyle]

Not really a question, but...

When ever people talk about martial arts and someone says "Wax on. Wax off." or gets ready to do the Crane Kick™.

:rolleyes: (just for GDA) :rolleyes:

[omegapoint]

I wanna study kung fu in China. How many days does it take to drive to Europe?

[dubj]

You can never be as world renowned as Bob Klein. He looks pretty hardcore for a tai chi teacher.

[wushu chik]

(Person) Hey, my husband and I are having some problems....

(Us) What does that have to do with Martial Arts?

(Person) Well, you can handle marital problems right??

(Us) Um, NO....we are martial artists...not MARITAL artists....We just kick the hell out of OUR SPOUSES!!

[eviljungle]

Some stuff I've heard:

'You practice kung fu? Do you have a black belt????' Sigh

'I knew this guy who was a martial artist for like 4 years but I could kick his @$$. He's small.' Bigger sigh. :rolleyes:

[SolarStance]

Sifu, are you sure practicing in a leather studded thong is traditional?

What do you mean "here comes the second finger?!

[Jeff Liboiron]

Do you learn to fly in Wing Chun? :)

The object is not to hurt someone else, but to stop them from hurting you

[jun_erh]

why aren't there more women on this board answer: Ralek :eek:

[dre_doggX]

"Looks nice but does that stuff actually do anything"

" you kick me and and knock me unconficous with one of those bruce lee karate kicks and Iam going to kill you"

" you can smash breaks cool, but can that stuff do anything in a fight??"

Andre Lashley

[SifuAbel]

Sifu............

What technique is used when getting shot in the chest?

If kung fu can't do it, will NHB get me to stop bullets with my teeth?

I'm 14 at a 108 Lbs, should I study Sumo?

If I do alot of steroids and lift weights, can I get away with shoddy technique?

Are you immortal?

sifuabel@yahoo.
com

[Budokan]

Why is it so limp?

Why does it dangle so uselessly?

I'm supposed to do WHAT with this...?

K. Mark Hoover

[Taoist Disciple]

Can you run up walls?

Can you kill me with one move?

Seek naturalness. Act without forcing.

[straight blast]

As a Christian:

"You do realise that Martial Arts will lead you to hell, don't you? I heard all MA's are about secretly worshipping animals or buddhas. We won't have that boxing class here because they believe in channeling that chi power. Chi is NOT in the Bible, so it must be from Satan".

These people so f**k me off :mad:

"Pain is merely weakness leaving the body"

[Sharky]

i believe watchman echo's these beliefs

All i wanted was some RICE CAKES! Now? WE MUST BATTLE.

[uki]

where do i find a good kung fu master? :D

[uki]

where can i find a good kung fu school??

[Scott R. Brown]

How does uki keep finding these 10 year old threads?

Doesn't he have anything better to do with his time?

Like post pictures of his new constructions!!!!!:p

[SPJ]

Ne(3) men do shr(4) hen(2) bun(4).

Ne du di yi tz shua zhe ma yang? Wo bu jr dao.

Gun(4) ne(3) ma du chi bie. Biow(4) tz(4)

wo(3) dei(3) kan(4) ne(3) toe(1). I must chop your head!

Amazing what you can learn watching kung fu movies with a booklet on tonal pronunciation.

Heres my question. I chien wo may tien lien gong fu, rang ho, wo du chi chi shr tai show. Jr shr zhen mo? At first I began practicing kung fu and now, my pe nis is too small. Whats going on?

you are all very dumb.

----

[SPJ]

hard/soft
internal/external etc. :rolleyes:

excellent questions.

:cool:

[YouKnowWho]

- Should I tuck my tail bone, keep my heel down, and keep my head vertical when I train?
- How to do an "internal" hip throw?
- What's the difference between push and Fa?
- Will I get more trouble in court if I use Huajin instead of Mingjin to hurt someone?

[SPJ]

I was asked many times that what is hua jin.

I always answered that all we have to pay attention to is

ming jin or apparent jin.

an jin or hidden jin.

never worry about hua jin.

when we are there we are there. how to get there, well we just practice ming jin and an jin. when we get there we get there.

:)

[Northwind]

To me the dumbest martial arts question is the one I hear all too often online:
"What's the best style?"

[SPJ]

yes. what is best for you may not be good for me.

what is best for me may not be good for you.

each person has his or her own physical attributes, speed, strength, weakness--

each person has his or her own liking or preferences for moves, tactics and strategy---

I started with mantis, then that led me to tong bei and ba ji----

---

:)

[YouKnowWho]

- How to keep my body "connected"?
- How to "open" my body?

[Violent Designs]

karate vs. kung fu who wins?

[Cody]

"Do I have IT?"


Conversation in class led by teacher dealt with having what it takes to succeed in an art, identified by the teacher as "IT."
Teacher laughed at student. I don't remember the rest. I mean, if you have to ask that question..... Oh dear.

[MasterKiller]

"Is it g@y if we make eye contact?"

[Syn7]

does chinese medicine really work??? i drank that whole jug of jow, and i still feel like sh!t...

[YouKnowWho]

does chinese medicine really work??? i drank that whole jug of jow, and i still feel like sh!t...

It does. When you are very tired, some Chinese medicine can help you to get your energy back very quick.

[SPJ]

the most confusing question is about relaxation or song/sung in Tai chi.

weight training/resistence/aerobic training good for all aspects of kung fu.

tai chi sung extremists say any resistence training is big no no--

--

:confused:

[TenTigers]

"What rank would I be in your style?"
"do I have to start at the beginning?"
"Do I have to wear a uniform?"
"I don't have my shoes today, can I go barefoot or in socks?"
"what happens if I do this?" (usually followed by "Owww! You didn't have to do it so hard!" (yeah..I did)
"I have a really cool sword that I picked up at a Rennaissance Fair. Can I bring it in, and you teach me how to use it?" or "Can I do the form with that?"
"Does that stuff really work?" (again, usually followed by "Owww, etc" unless you are at a Robert Chu seminar....)
"Wow, Kung-Fu, huh? So how long have you been doing this stuff? 38 yrs? Cool. So, what are you, like, a black belt or something?"

[GeneChing]

Was Bruce The Real Deal? (http://ezine.kungfumagazine.com/forum/showthread.php?t=57889)

:p

[Lucas]

"do you have a blackbelt?"

i usually respond; most of my belts are black....

[TenTigers]

WORDS HAVE POWER!!!
ok, today this twenty-something kid walks into my school.
"Yep, sure has been a long time since I've smelled a dojo like this..." (we burn incense at the sun toi in our "dojo.")
So when I asked him if he had experience...
"Yeah, mostly kenpo and muay thai."
"Or really? Where did you train?"
"Oh, mostly on my own..."
It turns out he had about a month of karate when he was eleven-which I still have my doubts about.
And of course the inevitable question comes up;
"I would be willing to start at the beginning of course. I need to review my basics.."

(sigh...)
Funny, right after I posted, within two days this guy walks in.
So on that note...

MEGA MILLIONS WINNING LOTTO TICKET FOR ME!!!!!!

[David Jamieson]

"can i hit you?"

[YouKnowWho]

"Is that internal?"

[-N-]

How would that work? Couldn't I just counter like this?

And the answer.

A. "Show me."
B. "Try it."
C. "Shut up and practice."
D. Walk away in disgust.
E. All of the above.

[RD'S Alias - 1A]

Really? Are you kidding me? a TEN year old thread?

[pazman]

Make a new thread, then hear "Already discussed! Use the search function NOOB!"

Decide to post in a old thread instead, then hear "THREAD NECRO! IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS YOU IDIOT!"

:confused:

[SPJ]

all start well. all end well.

say 3 things good about a technique

but also say 3 things bad about a technique.

--

yes a decade of kung fu forum posting.

carry on bretherns.

:)