More mysteries from the confused psyche of Ryu

[Ryu]

I was talking to a girl friend of mine tonight, and she helped me realize something.

When I was in Jr. High School, and High School I used to get into lots of fights and confrontations because I wanted to "prove" I was a tough guy, and a martial artist. The sad truth was that I wasn't really that tough, or that good of a martial artist. I was good for my age I guess, and I was semi-tough, but I wanted more than anything to have the reputation of a really tough guy in my school. Because of high school garbage, I instilled in my mind everyday that it was the biggest, strongest, and most athletic guys that were the most popular, the best fighters, the ones who got the girls, and the ones who were "superior" in some way to others. Since I was not a jock, I was very jealous, and would fight to prove myself in their eyes.

The "concept" of stronger is better stayed with me I think until my adult life. I think I always felt inferior to the strong, jock-like types. So I trained myself as much as I could to get to where they were.
Now I'm pretty much there. I'm pretty muscular, large frame, much more athletic, trained myself in grappling, BJJ, judo, etc. you know the story...
Had a wrestling match with a "jock" friend of mine who used to be the big shot in his high school. I beat him obviously, but still felt inferior.

Because I love martial arts, I spoke about them a lot with my close friends. I spoke of my victories and losses at judo, and my training, etc. Even on this forum, I have mentioned my past experiences not because of ego, but because I needed to to get points across (or people were sharing experiences, etc.)
Right now in my real life, I have the reputation I wanted in high school. The big athletic guy, whos a tough fighter....and I absoultey hate it.
I feel so much pressure not to "let anyone down" so to speak. Always I feel like I HAVE to be good, and sometimes it has made me want to quit martial arts all together.

I know one thing for sure about my personality.
I don't like to fight. I'm very compassionate, and sincere, and I find beauty in helping people, not bashing their heads in. This is why I really take to the many religions like Buddhism, Christianity, and even Taoism. Wisdom, compassion, and virtue are what I love...and in the beginning it was what I loved in martial arts as well.

Someone once told me on this forum that I was looking for my "confidence" outside of myself. And he was absolutely correct.

My friend told me that my reputation was not because I "talk big" or anything, but rather that I talk about my training and such with judo, grappling, etc. I am very modest, but when people hear about my training, etc. they can't really help but think I'm very strong, tough, etc.
Especially the ones who are ignorant of martial arts. I may have even been doing this subconsciously because I wanted people to tell me I was good. They've been doing it all my life, but I refuse to believe them when they do.

I have done wonders with my confidence, attitude, outlook on life, etc. throughout my years. She assured me that the last item I needed to finally get in touch with and understand was my mentality to fighting. In high school it's what made someone important. In the adult world, it makes them just the opposite. She told me that she feels more safe when a man is able to confidently talk his way out of a situation, or get her out of danger by intervening, calming someone down, etc. She told me it is much more reassuring than fighting at the drop of a hat. Fighting is the last resort always....and even though I always knew that...I had it in my head that people would consider me a coward if I did that. That's why I got so noticeably upset on the thread that talked about the girl wanting her boyfriend to fight. :)

My friend told me that fighting outside of high school is childish, and no intelligent woman would want a man who was always acting tough and fighting. She also let me know that if the reputation I had caused me suffering, I might want to keep my training more secret. And I think I might do just that.

I've got to meditate a bit on the fact that people like me WITHOUT being tough...they could care less. It is my compassion and personality that they respect and feel safe with the most.
It's a refreshing thing to hear, and I'm going to get her something nice for Christmas LOL

I'm gonna continue training (maybe a bit more solo these days) but it will stil be based on judo, grappling, and defensive stuff like OC spray, knives, and low line kicking, etc.
Other than that, I'm not gonna worry too much about it. No more obsessing. I don't want to compete of fight in a cage. I want to be able to protect my friends. That's the only goal I really wanted. And I think I can do that.

The hardest fight I have ever faced has been this. My hardest opponent has always been myself. No one has ever given me more grief, self-doubt, or defeat... :)

Thanks for reading.
I'll meditate on it... Who knows, maybe the concept of a "Groundfighting" monk isn't that silly? ;)

Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

[Ryu]

oh by the way.
I'm quite aware of the irony that a post like this opens me up to things like "you sound very tough" etc.

Don't post that kind of stuff, but rather just your thoughts on these subjects, and maybe any experiences you had that are similar.

Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

[Wongsifu]

man all i can say is meditate more ractise less, and you wont have to spill your heart out to us to feel better all the time ;)

This is because THC is not an alkaloid. It does not contain a nitrogen atom, therefore it is a terpenophenolic compound

[qeySuS]

I can kinda relate, although i dont get into trouble i've found that a lot of what you talk about (in this post and others) is very true to me as well. So keep'em coming :)

Self doubt and telling yourself your not good enough and need to get better all the time, and even when your congratulated and told your good you just dismiss it as an idle compliment.

Sorry i have so little to say and only talk about myself! :) I just really enjoy your posts and how i can sometimes relate to them.

Free thinkers are dangerous!

[Wongsifu]

you know ryu on another note of what i posted 3minutes ago ,
i re read your post and you are almost the opposite of me but in the same way.

Throughout school i was never tough but i never felt i had to prove anything to anyone, so it was never a desire to defend anybody as i just wasnt tough. In a way i was but never let it out.

Through my first years of training kung fu i was so brainwashed into believeing i was a superior fighter even though i wasnt it gave me the confidence to do everything else correctly. I was confident i would never have trouble on the street even if in retrospect it would have got me killed.
At the same time i never got into fights but over time and cirumstances having changed i had to practise more and more until i actually started to become what i was brainwashed into being. IT was weird i was starting to feel what before i was made to think , i could feel the real bone crushing power in my attacks, and like you said people started to respect me , but it was weird because like you said i dont like it i dotn need it , it puts a false mask over you so people dont see you they see what you are capable of doing and they are impressed by that.

Unlke you because of the country i live in however i dont need have to think about street self defense , even though i spent countless hours learning about how to handle a situation on the street how to calm people down diffuse a circumstance , how to face multiple opponents (and run well :D ) I never feel the need of this and more so , i have a fear of fighting on the street in case i hurt someone i dont want to go to jail , i would rather run liek a b1tch a million miles ralther than get caught up and annoyed at someone who insults me and hurting the guy as a reflex.Its easy in theory to talk about applying a joint lock , but in practise its much easier to kick the guy in the groin once and kill him.

in essence i started kung fu because i like it and i still practise it because i like it , and since it has become my job i figure i might as well be the best at it. other people work 9-5 in an office , why should i only work 3 hours a day if i get paid as much as other people why not practise as much as other people work.

My only dillema is why do i do it , i dont need to be tougher i dont need to prove anything i dont need to train any more, i just guess that at the end of the day i need to prove to myself if i can be the best and reach my goals then i can think back and say i can do anything , if 30 years ago i decided to be the fastest runner , strongest bodybuilder , be a millionaire tycoon, or basically hang weights from my bell end , till it grew to be 20 inches and be put in the guiness book of records i could have done it .
Also i feel like i need to give something back to kung fu and traditional arts , they have such a bad name nowadays for fighing that we need more people who can use them for fighting and show it to people. Especially in the west.

This is because THC is not an alkaloid. It does not contain a nitrogen atom, therefore it is a terpenophenolic compound

[Daredevil]

Personally, what makes martial arts so great for is that it is composed of so many things, interrelated and co-dependant. It's not just about one thing - like fighting - but about several issues that each lean on each other. Very much like life in general in that. I love the way martial arts really brings my focus on that interconnectedness.

What martial arts mean to me today will change and it will mean a different thing tomorrow, yet I will continue to find new things and arriving in new places just by concentrating on this one thing - martial arts training. It has that nice sense of a paradox and a satori.

[brucelee2]

Ryu,

Two thoughts

1)Have you considered switching to a more 'spiritual'/holistic martial art?- Aikido, tai chi, bagua, or any good chinese kung fu?

2)Have you tried, instead of sitting and thinking and obsessing about these issues, merely sitting down in a quiet place, putting your hands on your torso, actually FEELING these things directly (in your body)- that is to say, consciously GOING THROUGH THEM?

Go forward, my son, and
be like unto a torch
upon the darkness. Thou
are stripped now, of all
that was before. Look
not to thy fellow men
for guidance or
countenance- they canst
advise you no longer.
Thou shalt be as dust
now, and dust shall be
upon the tongues of thy
enemy. Verily, thou
shalt herald the coming
of the new age upon
man."

[nobody]

i kind of know where your coming from. im at that earlier stage myself. well kind of, i dont know whats worse, what you are going through, or when you turn down a fight, because you dont want to get in one,(even tho the guy needs to be slammed on the cement), and then question if you are a coward or not. it may be true, or it may not be, but thats where i am at this point of my inward journey.

[Crimson Phoenix]

Deers are hunted for their horns, foxes for their furs...sometimes, being considered highly by some persons is NOT a present, but a heavy burden...

[Ryu]

Nobody,
I used to feel just like that in my younger years.
I would turn down a fight because all maturity dictated there didn't have to be one, and I wonder if I was a coward or not. Then I went through a stage where I got into fights and I still didn't feel right with myself.

What changed about me was my understanding of my abilities and limitations, etc. When I started training in BJJ, judo, I was rolling on a constant basis. It showed me exactly how I could perform under stress, and just what I could and couldn't do. So gradually I changed in a way.
Now, I know I am trying to be a peacekeeper first, and a fighter second. So when I get into a confrontation now I don't really have any doubts about my skills. I know that if it came down to it I would perform to the best of my abilities, and I already know the pain, stress, and injury my body can, and has, gone through.
So when I turn down a fight, I don't feel cowardly at all, but rather more in control of the situation. :)

My problem now stems from everyone thinking I'm "good" ....whereas I don't want all those expectations. I guess it's the real reason I didn't start teaching with Vunak's certificate.
I don't think I'm "good" enough to be an instructor despite what someone else thinks.

So I'm trying to find a healthy balance between realistic training and martial art spirituality.
So far I think I'm doing okay...
just gotta concentrate more on this one last issue, examine it, understand it, then let it go.

Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

[zen_celt]

In regards to your teaching, I remember what Miyamoto Musashi wrote in his Book of Five Rings, the gist being that everyone, from the lowest spearman to the highest general has knowledge of some kind, and the only way for it to grow is to teach it to someone else who will in turn learn more.

One of my friends, someone I consider to be a mentor of sorts(named Chris by the way), told me that the best way to learn is to teach someone else. Someone evidently thinks you're good enough to teach at least an aspect of your MA, so go for it. Perhaps it will give you the testing ground you've been looking for. At least it will give you a better understanding of it. Besides, nothing ever said you have to stop learning from others to teach.

I'd post some other stuff about your original post but I think it's been covered. Hope this helps(if it even makes sense).
-ZC

"The thorn *****s only those who would harm the rose."

[zen_celt]

Have you read "Book of Five Rings" by Miyamoto Musashi? If not, I suggest you do, it might help a lot. If you have, read it again, you'll find something new in it.

I suggest the translation by Hanshi Steven Kaufman, "The Martial Artist's Book of Five Rings"
-ZC

"The thorn *****s only those who would harm the rose."

[Nexus]

Ryu, you are doing fine. What you do is ok, and it is evident in your posts that you are maturing and progressing at a fine rate. No need to worry about making leaps and bounds from one day to the next, just take your time and enjoy the process, and as you said in the post, you can see yourself being more comfortable where you are now.

You seem to be a self-righteous individual and as you continue doing so you should grow at the pace designed specifically for you.

- Nexus

[S.Teebas]

Life is full of opposites...which seem to tell us who we are.


S.Teebas

[Good, better, Me]

Don't try to be anyone else, just be yourself. Even if you are a very dangerous tough guy ;)

Ninjas do not exist as long as they don't want to.
http://www.ninjasite.com/shinobi-kai/pic4.gif

[nightair]

I think you sound like an awsome person.You sound a lot like me. One thing that helped me was for me to purposely lose a fight with someone. It may sounds wierd but it gave me a new perspective. And don't thank me for reading, thank you, it was very interesting.

---------------------------"uh oh, what is going to happen next?"

[Xebsball]

I seriously think you are thinking too much about it, you should change as naturally as posible.

----------------------------
You brake my elbow i put your face in s.hit! HA HA HA, how about that, HA HA!
http://www.systemofadown.com/images/blurb3.jpg

[joedoe]

Don't worry about other people's expectations. How other people perceive you and what they expect of you are not what matters. What matters is how you perceive yourself and what you expect of yourself.

You have taken the first step and realised how you see yourself and what you expect of yourself. Now you only have to live up to your own expectations, no one else's. Forget about 'letting your friends down'. You know that you are good enough to do what you expect of yourself, and that is to protect your loved ones. So let go of your worry over meeting other people's expectations - you know you already meet your own.

Someone else has already said this, but teaching is the best way to learn things better. It forces you to think about what you do on a completely different level. In my mind, teaching is an important part of the path to mastery of both your art and yourself.

cxxx[]:::::::::::>
You're fu(king up my chi

[rogue]

"I guess it's the real reason I didn't start teaching with Vunak's certificate.
I don't think I'm "good" enough to be an instructor despite what someone else thinks."

Very honest attitude, but you can also teach by example. Also what's to say that you haven't instructed already. You've been a respected member here, (is that a good thing? I don't know. ;) ) for quite a while and have contributed quite often.

As far as being an intructor, did Vunak give you a school or even a class to run? If he did, then you are an instructor. My TKD master passed over more advanced black belts but gave a school to one that he knew would teach well, even though he's still learning. So even though he's not the highest ranked BB he's an instructor and the others are not.

Or do you help people improve their MA? If so then you are either an instructor or on your way to becoming one. Some people just grow into the role.

A certificate doesn't mean anything except to the guy giving it to you, kind of like those Microsoft certifications. The paper means nothing, it's the ability to teach and pass on the skills that you know that counts. I've met people who were instructors in name only, and those who taught without even trying.

Signed,
Rogue, Soke and Senior Grandmaster of Southeast American Brazillian Bagua Combat Chi jitsu Kempo Karate Do and Choral Society.

The only tactical principle which is not subject to change; it is, “To use the means at hand to inflict the maximum amount of wounds, death, and destruction on the enemy in the minimum amount of time."

[This message was edited by rogue on 11-26-01 at 06:57 PM.]

[jimmy23]

excellent postRyu, you seem to be very sincere martial artist, thansk for sharing


"You guys have obviously never done any real fighting if you are mocking spitting"
Spinning Backfist

[Ryu]

Thank YOU guys for listening and reading.
And for all your helpful posts.
I appreciate it. :)

Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

[honorisc]

People will have their opinions. You can live as the boy in the bubble--restricted (by yourself or circumstances) or Clark Kent--responsible use of your capabilities. The talkie, Lawrence of Arabia is a good guide for your situation.

After your meditating, you will come to see two choices. I'm suggestng which to take. Take the third and plead the fifth. And get used to paradoxes. The third is something else. Third is "I don't know."-Vauderville, Abbot and Costello-Camel cigarettes.

While tomorrow always comes yet never arrives, there have been thousands of years worth of tomorrows and todays. Death is not an option when there is an absence of revelation. When you can't take it anymore it becomes tolerable about a minute or so after that. Gining-up is not an option.

Enjoy. Have Fun.

I No_Know

Very some such, perhaps might have been, likely say some, some not.

[scotty1]

Dude, if I self analysed myself as much as you do (which I do) and had the urge to write it all down (which I do) and did it in a way which was interesting and readable to others (which i don't know if I could but haven't tried yet) then I would send it in to Cyberkwoon or some similar site, and get some free members admission for my time. Or even just the satisfaction of writing about what I love.
So why don't you do that?