Xmas Presents for Board Members

[Budokan]

Well, let's see. I'm going to get GDA a new six-pack of longnecks. I'm sending Rolls a new bottle of hand lotion and a (unstained) poster of his favorite grappling heros. I also think I'll send JWT's weiner dog the address of my closest enemy so it can go hump him to death. I'll send Stacey the autobiography of Christine Jorgenson and Neal Cameron a punch in the mouth. Watchman gets a new grenade launcher and Jas gets an Epi-Lady. Old Jong will receive a book of tasteless jokes, Kung Lek will get more patience to deal with our juvenile antics and Gene gets my heartfelt thanks for taking the time, trouble and money to keep this board running.

[JWTAYLOR]

Just wait until I get a new roll of film developed. This last weekend, out at my Mom's place, my dog separated a Llama from the pack and cornered it against a fence. Clyde was salivating and barking like mad. It seemed that he intended to take down and eat/hump the poor creature. What can I say, he likes em big.

I was pretty amazed that a dog around 8" tall had the predatory instinctual know how to corner a 7' tall animal.

Unfortunately, the Llama eventually realized that this "wolf" was indeed a 14lb Weiner Dog and, upon realization attempted to stomp Clyde straight to Weiner Dog hell.

This was an obvious turn off to Clyde, as he ran like a tiny brown bullet away. (with his head turned back barking all the way, of course). He then stood under me with his hackles raised barking like mad.

BTW, Clyde is finally a father. 2 male puppies. Almost as soon as the mother had them a Sweedish woman by the name of Lucy Furr (nice rack BTW) showed up out of nowhere and offered me the souls of an entire city if she could use the pups as guard dogs. I don't have too many needs for the souls of the d@mned anymore, so we settled on one of the dogs for a 6 pack of beer and some beef jerky.

JWT

[Chang Style Novice]

Congratulations to Clyde!

JWT, your story reminds me of an incident from high school, when I lived in Anchorage AK and had a boxer named Buck.

In the winter, I would take buck for walks in the greenbelt parks that dot Anchorage. He was basically a nice, friendly pup, so I'd let him run free on the trails as I did the crosscountry ski thing. I knew that moose came down from the surrounding mountains in the winter, but they are usually shy and harmless, so I just kept my distance if I saw them, and everything would be fine.

Buck wasn't quite as sensible.

On one of our walks, he got seperated from me for an unusually long time. I called for him and set off in the direction I had seen him run, and after a while heard him barking offtrail. So, I follow his noise out into the woods. Buck had decided to harass a moose, solo. He was in the midst of a copse of alder trees that were too close together for the moose to get in, and Bullwinkle was pacing in circles around the little stand of trees looking mad. Every few minutes, the moose would get bored and start to leave. First time it happened I though "good, I can go and get my dog now." So Buck runs out - after the moose. The moose starts chasing, Buck goes back to his sanctuary. Great. After a half an hour or so of this, the wind shifts (or something) and the two of them notice me. Moosie goes off in the other direction, and I guess Buck was feeling cold or something because he decided to come to me instead of chasing the moose.

I never let him off lead on our walks after that.

[scotty1]

Can I have another 8 hours in the day please?

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

budokan is the shiznat.

if only my family would be so practical.

[GeneChing]

Thanks for the thanks, but I'll take the longnecks. Actually, if I really been nice over naughty, make it Guinness pub drafts!

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

you better not be talkin about my long necks!

them's fightin words buddy.

he offered them to me first ... they're mine!

*snarls*

[joedoe]

Budokan, I am hurt. I would have thought that after standing shoulder to shoulder fighting off the Goktimi and his henchmen I would have gotten something for Christmas - maybe a Daewoo or a dropped pie or something. But no - nothing!

So much for brothers in arms! :(

[Martial Joe]

Mark gets nothing from me...

[Budokan]

Stop yer bawlin'. I haven't finished making out my list yet. Here are more:

For Stranger I'm gonna send "Das Kapital" by Karl Marx. I figure he'll use it to start a nice BBQ fire. For ABandit I'll send five stuffed goktimi in a cluster fellate that he can mount as a wind vane on his rooftop, and for Martial Joe he's going to get a free enlistment into the Armed Services (Preferably the Marines). Sifu Able gets a lifetime subscription to "BJJ & Sweaty Man Grappling Magazine" while DrunkenMonkey gets a free intervention from the rest of us. Robin will receive a lovely gift she can use to help stretch her legs apart for those high-flying TKD kicks and Sharkey will receive via airmail a naked photo of that hot chick down the hall he wants to bang but never will.

I'm still working on my list. More to come later.

[Budokan]

Honeysmacks will get a new sandshark to play with, except this one will actually be a Great White and he'll be covered in chum as we dip him down into the ocean at the end of a big hook. Yum!

Ralek. and Ralek.. will get another period, but to be honest I won't have much to do with that--it will happen naturally.

Unity will be allowed last night to meet what he would be if he wasd a hot women attracted to him, plus he'll have one last chance to bust up on Tom who probably doesn't deserve it but that's the way it goes sometimes. Poor Tom.

For my good friend qeySus I'll give a street corner with a nice street lamp that works since he is, by his own admission, a Ho.

A nice new video camera is on its way to ShaolinTiger00 for the next time he meets Rolls. SevenStar gets a Three Stooges Slap for wanting to change his already cool name into something from a gay comic book. (What was it, 'WeaponX' or something like that?)

[joedoe]

Aww thanks Budokan.

Don't forget to send a video camera to reemul and The Willow Sword as well so that they can video their encounter then come back and tell everyone that they 'respect' each other now.

Oh, and Unity may want a chance to have another go at the cripple called Kevin too.

[Chang Style Novice]

I'd like to wish everyone on the forum their choice of the following;

A Merry Christmas
A Chappy Channukah
A Kwaazy Kwaanzaa
A Jolly Diwali
or
A Solemn Dignified Ramadan

(with thanks to Herschel Krustofsky)

[SevenStar]

Budokan, you're too kind, man. Can I get an eye gouge too?

[qeySuS]

sweeeeeeeet, this means i'll be raking it in and be going to US college for SURE!

[wufupaul]

Doesn't anybody here celebrate Festivus? It might be good around here, because alot of people would probably feel better after an "airing of grievances". Nobody sticks up a sturdy pole to look at? Haha, what about wrestling your old man? I know some of you would like that.....

[rubthebuddha]

anything for me? :(

[GeneChing]

OK, I respect someone who'll defend their brew. I'm clinking my Guinness glass against the computer screen now (and hope you're doing the same w/your longnecks.) Cheers and best of the season to all. Remember, no drunken style and driving...

[rubthebuddha]

it's a weeknight, so i have to stick to water. ask the same thing in a couple days and it'll probably be a glass of hard cider.

[qeySuS]

Well if we'r going to talk about brew we all know that the only REAL beer is the good'ol danish TUBORG!

[Fish of Fury]

so what should we get for Budokan?

how about season tickets to "An Evening with Celestial Amiboshi"?

(i hear celestial is gonna read the classics, sing opera...and as a special treat he'll stick a plum in his mouth and act all "holier than thou")

[Budokan]

For Celestial I'm going to get a quart of my own sweat scraped off my body after every dojo workout. I'm sure he'll love that. I'll also send him the self help book "I'm Okay, You're Okay" and probably spring for a couple of psychiatric sessions as well.

Rubthebuddha gets something else to rub this Christmas, and it won't be a buddha.

Fish of Fury gets what he's always wanted: a guppy he can train into a killer. (Let's see if he can really live up to his name.)

Boulder Student will receive "The History of Kung Fu and Why It's Better Than Grappling" and No Know will finally get that English to English translator everyone else needs to understand his heiroglyphic garble.

Camel Killer will get what he's always needed: Me kicking his scrawny a$$ right up between his godd*mn jug ears.

[Water Dragon]

Budokan gets a 6 month visit to Noda City with a suitcase full of black t-shirts that say UKE

[rogue]

I get nothing? I'll remember that next time someone is dismissing your school boy karate.:p

[Budokan]

YIP-EEE! I am SO there!:D

[Budokan]

Knifefighter gets the video: "How I Used Tae Bo To Change Me Into A Real Man: A Retrospective of Days Wasted in Grappling".

JWT will get that belt buckle he's always wanted: one that won't set off the metal detectors at airports but which can be used to slice the throat of any pain-in-the-a$$ hijackers stupid enough to get on his plane.

Rogue, you will get a nicely framed and notarized certificate signed by Rolls and all his past avatars. I'll just send Water Dragon some hot porn.

Goktimus will get that brand new Daewoo and a 55-gallon drum of K-Y jelly.

And Rolls' momma will get what she's always wanted and desperately needs: A court order that allows her to disavow any responsibility of him and his many manifestations, and the subsequent hospital bills incurred if he keeps going to kwoons and challenging real men into "blood-spilling" fights.

[Water Dragon]

All I get is hot porn? That's it, the back of all those UKE shirts is going to say "Hatsumi hits like a girl" in Japanese.

[Felipe Bido]

Remember to get a "Hump-a-rama" kit for JWT's dog

[Budokan]

KC Elbows gets that vomitorium he's always wanted so that next time when he posts on KFO if he's gonna spew then he'll have a place to do it in.

Nutt'nfunny will receive in the mail the bestseller: "1000 Guaranteed Jokes to Crack Up the KFO Boys". Barring that, he'll get a package of Nut'n'hunny cereal.

Ryu will get that piece of a$$ he's always wanted. Not the girl, mind you, just a piece of her a$$.

Mr. Nemo, always first with the UFC and other grappling results, will finally be first with the results of the rematch between the Nautilus and that giant kraken.

IronFist, I'm sending you that AdamantineFist you always wanted. Only problem is you'll have to stop pulling your pud as often as you do now....

[Xebsball]

Do i get cool stuff too?

[Budokan]

Indeed you do. Xebsball gets a group photo of all the KFO regulars arranged in descending order of who can beat off the quickest to a picture of Roseanne Barr. Yeah, then we'll see who's the man, won't we...?

SantaClaus gets that sensitivity training he's been so desperately needing, along with a list of all the KFO guys who have been naughty and nice to wittle Budokan.

Halfling, you finally get that ring you've been wanting. Just go see Sauron...

Wushu Chik gets an autographed picture of us KFO guys licking the computer screen as we imagine what she looks like...

Brassmonkey at last gets those brass balls for said monkey.

Illusionfist gets to remain in obscure anonymity.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

geneching . .. my clink will be a bit belated as im trying to quit drinking on the weekdays, but it's only one more day till the weekend so i'll return the toast shortly.

"no drunken style and driving..."

word. drunk drivers p!ss me off.

[KC Elbows]

My very own vomitorium!!!

Score!!

I'm gonna make Huang a book made up of all his posts this last year. Its called "Stupid Waste of a Thread".:D

As for GDA, I tried to get him one of those asian blow up dolls, but the shopkeeper said some guy with an avaricious weiner dog just bought up the whole stock.

Finally, I'm gonna send Gene Ching a miniskirt, so that we can finally get a look at those gams!!:eek: :eek: :eek:

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

dam nit!

i was gonna get two cool gifts too.

sumb!tch.

[Fish of Fury]

well, for everyone a copy of my new book
"How to Inject Mind Altering Substances and Influence People"

a guppy of my very own...can i keep him, can i keep him?

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
my horde of minions grows by the day!
I'll bide my time, training my guppy army until i become....IRREPRESSABLE!!!
we shall sweep across the land, laying waste to all before us (cutting a bloody swathe, even) until fish rule supreme...
...fear the Reign of Fish!!!

[Sharky]

i may never bone her... but neither will anyone else so it's all good.

[KC Elbows]

Now that "Ryu." has appeared on the forum, Ryu has gotten his first period. I'm gonna get him Women Who Run With Wolves.

[halfling]

Budokan - thanks for the present i think. I don't know to what ring you are referring though. And I dont know what/who Sauron is. please could you let me know so I know what my present is? thanks :)

[Budokan]

Halfling, J.R.R. Tolkien will be able to answer all your questions. Him or Gollum.

:)

[halfling]

yesssssssssssssssssss, my precioussssssssssssss.
i see now thank you kindly.

[KC Elbows]

Budokan, I'll spare you the shame of revealing your true geekdom:

Imagine if the devil had a right hand man, and that right hand man took over once the devil went to hell. That's Sauron.

Sauron played a trick on the leaders of the different races, and made them all magic rings. Unfortunately, he also made himself a master ring that controlled all the other rings, and their weilders.

Unfortunately, he lost a major battle and the ring was lost, along with a chunk of his power.

Here's the fun part. The ring fell into the hands of a hobbit(halfling) who gave it to another hobbit(halfling) who would have liked to have discussed all these things rationally with Sauron, but Sauron was too busy giving his minions orders like "Bring me the rotted hand of that filthy hobbit" and "I want hobbits dead" and "Halfling schmaffling: if it has entrails, bring them to me!"

Does this have a familiar ring?

[KC Elbows]

****, Budokan, you beat me to it.

I tried to spare you the shame.

[halfling]

Thank you both very much for the explanations. I must admit i have only read The Hobbit and I guess I don't remember any references to Halflings in it. I knew it was some little fantasy character thing but I never knew too much about the name other than it was given to me because im short. :) like a half person, you know.. halfling.. anyhow :) all i could think of when i got on here. thank you again.

[old jong]

And to you... I wish a troll called Budokan.(with a period):D :p And...a surprise challenge fight with Rolls!:mad:

[rogue]

OK, I'll just re-gift it to him then.

[rubthebuddha]

for you all, i rub both my buddhas (head and tummy) and wish you good fortune, good nookie, good drinking and good resting this holiday season. and ... GODD@MNIT BUDOKAN! i said I would do the rubbing! get your hands off me!

[GeneChing]

kc elbows, you're a sick person.
and you'd be really sick if you ever saw my skinny legs.:p

[wushu chik]

Originally posted by Budokan

Wushu Chik gets an autographed picture of us KFO guys licking the computer screen as we imagine what she looks like...



Ahhhh, It's good to know I have fans!!! And Watchman...I knew there was a reason I loved you!!!

~Wen~