PDA

View Full Version : Copyrighted story from Ryu (well the beginning anyway) enjoy.



Ryu
11-09-2001, 08:23 PM
Hi everyone.
This story called "The Giyra Wars" is a copyrighted work I have written and am in the process of publishing. The story is seperated into about 5 "books" all being around 200 pages in length. So far, the story has reached over 540 pages and is soon to be finished. The first and second "books" have already been written, and the series copyrighted by the US copyright office.
(always keeping myself safe :D)

Here is the beginning of the first book entitled
"Secret of the Giyra"
This story has some good action, adventure, love, and even horror. It plays out like a "fantasy RPG" at times, and there is much martial action as well combining grappling, BJJ-styled fight scenes (not boring ;) ) and chinese-styled swordsmanship, plus other styles (fencing, broadsword, etc). One of the main girls has a very "kung fuish" sword style.

Have fun, and let me know what you think. This is one of the rough copies. (the story is fantasy, and even though some names may seem Vietnamese, Chinese, Greek, etc... the world they live in is not ours...) (please excuse the cut and paste. It may not come out perfect)

The Giyra Wars.
Book 1. Secret of the Giyra

The warm sun dipped slowly into the far off horizon stretching a golden blanket of light
to the nearby trees and valleys. This was a rather peaceful day coming to another peaceful end. Chinh An Tran adored days like this. She would hurry to the top of the grass-covered hills, in her younger years, to watch the sun as it shaped it’s surroundings into a beautiful painting of golds, purples, and reds. Chinh still harbored that serene value of beauty, and she loved to spend time just by herself up upon those same hills looking down over the valley. The cool breeze of twilight would always touched her skin in a way that put her mind and body at ease from a hard day’s work out in the crop fields near her home in Kupya.
Kupya was a small town. Equipped with the normal homes and farm supplies that an average harvest village would naturally possess. Cattle, windmills, fowl, and farming goods somewhat stereotyped the village of Kupya as a “hic town”. Indeed there were some residents who were also not the most cultured individuals in the land. Chinh, however, was somehow different from the rest. When she was young, her mother traveled to many of the cities and provinces in the lands beyond the valley. Chinh had grown up without a father figure in her life and clung to her mother for most of her life. The two had a bond that ran deeper than anything the other villagers had seen or heard of. They seemed to even possess a psychic connection to a small degree. Traveling to the many provinces with her mother, Chinh learned of many cultures, traditions, and education systems both near and far from her home. These outings went on for many years, and Chinh had began some deeper friendships with people all across the globe. She felt safe with her mother. She felt that nothing could hurt her. That was before learning of the Neo City. The Neo City was located in the central region and it’s immense size spread out to many regions. The Neo City, now about 30 years old, had started out smaller, of course, just like any other. As it grew in size it became the center of much of the trade that passed through the land. Through it’s major imports and exports, the Neo City soon started to flourish as a dynamic economic superpower. This is when the Tu Corporation was founded by a calculating business man by the name of John Tu. In his prime years as the head of the industrial revolution of the Neo City, John Tu was a vibrant but selfish man, driving towards his goals at all costs, and by any means necessary. This “take all” mercenary zeal led to the nickname “Mad Dragon”, embodying the firery instinct his comrades all feared. For 10 years John Tu’s Corporation led the Neo City into the biggest economic center the world could see. Whoever dared compete against his marvel was quickly devoured and disgorged
into nothingness. Slowly, the people’s view of John Tu began to silently change. Years went by, and the respect and awe that had once surrounded him, turned to fear. John Tu, now the president of the Neo City, engulfed it with delectation. It was during this time, that the change happened. John Tu set his Neo City not just into a economic hegemony, but as a dominant autocracy, policed by his own special forces of the land known by all as “Garbana”. President Tu
now took control of 75% of the provinces in the immediate area. The people began protests of the Corporation’s control, and held meetings and rallies to the cause. These confrontations lasted for about a year until the date of the Seventh Moon Night, a day that with live in the hearts of the people as the most horrible atrocity to befall their world. During a huge gathering of the people to speak of the evils of the Corporation, President Tu, with his hordes of soldiers, stormed the free grounds of the people, and slaughtered them. Never had such violence brought itself upon the land. Thousands died that night, and the Tu Corporation established itself as the country’s dictator almost overnight. Any at all attempts to fight the Corporation were crushed before they began, and soon, the people began to obey the President’s control.
Chinh looked up into the darkening sky above and let out a deep sigh. Her breath drifted gently out of her nostrils and seemed to cool her soul like some elixir. She sat. With legs pulled tight into her chest, Chinh wrapped her arms around them and closed her eyes to day dream once again. This was something she did a great deal of. Even as a child her mother had noticed she had an unusual gift for pretending and and playing “in her head”. Chinh rubbed her face into her thighs and concentrated on other parts of the world. Thousands of miles away were other districts, and other provinces. There were new countries that her mother had promised to take her to. Her thoughts drifted to an organization far to the east of the globe calling itself “Talon”.
Talon was a professional organization that was founded about 20 years ago before Chinh had been born. Rumor had it that Talon had sent a proclamation to President Tu, himself, stating that the massacre on Seventh Moon Night had not gone unlearned about in the other nations of the world.
And that if any future events occurred, Talon would interfere. The President had become irate at the notice, and planned to expand his Neo City into the nations across the globe. Talon had not made any actions against the Neo City, however. Talon was an institution of much ideal to Chinh.
She wanted to see them for herself, to perhaps ask them for help. She knew all too well that her mother had sent repeated letters to Talon in hopes they could send someone to help them. None were ever answered. Yet, Chinh seemed to think the whole business was, in a way, unrealistic. The Corporation had never really shown itself to her. Chinh had heard the stories and was disgusted as any decent human would be, but in her everyday life the stories were just that. She sometimes tried to understand why her mother would break down and sob when no answer would ever come to her. Especially since the Corporation had never done anything terrible to her or the village of Kupya. Chinh felt relatively safe in her life. Of course, Chinh and her mother would usually feel the passion to “end the Corporations rule!” and the like when they got together. But reality was reality. There was not a great deal going on, and for the most part, it seemed as though the Corporation was actually quite dormant.
Chinh opened her eyes and stretched her arms high into the night’s sky. Standing up, she started off back down to the village of Kupya. Upon hearing her mother’s familiar call to dinner, she picked up the pace.

Chinh had not made it several steps before she saw her mother bounding towards her on quick feet. In her hand she waved some kind of yellow parchment, and as Chinh closed in on her she could see a bright smile upon her mother’s lips showing her even white teeth. Chinh stopped in a huff as she reached her, and said. “Mother! What on earth are you doing?”
“It came, Chinh! It’s finally here!” was her winded reply.

“What came?”
“Talon has wrote me! See? Look here, hurry!” Chinh’s mother stretched out her hand which held tightly, almost lovingly, to the yellow paper. Her rough hand delicately shook with excitement and an air of innocence. Chinh took the paper from her mother’s hand and began to read aloud.
“Dear Ms. Minh Tran,
We, at Talon, have received your request on the night of Moon 7, Tiger’s year, at 9 hundred hours. We have reviewed your letter and have made this reply in haste...” Chinh looked up at her mother. “Haste? Yeah right..”
“Just keep reading!” her mother laughed, not at all acting her age.
“...Talon has discussed the below requests with the Master Superior and has decided to send to you a delegate of our HeadQuarters in hopes of obtaining information in the matters at hand. Please expect our medium shortly. Thank you and we wish you the best.”
Chinh once again looked up at her mother. “They’re sending someone to us??”
“Isn’t it unbelievable! The Corporation must really be doing serious things still if Talon is willing to do this!”
“Yes, it must be,” Chinh said somewhat dumbfoundedly. “I ...I just don’t believe this is going on. When did this come?”
“This late afternoon,” her mother told her. “When you were out and about.”
“So...what happens now?”
“Well I suppose now all we can do is wait.”
“But how will we know what to do? How will we house a representative from Talon!!?” Chinh’s face became rather flustered.
“Chinh don’t get so worked up,” her mother soothed. “I know it’s a strange situation, and very exciting too, but all will work out. I have a feeling things are going to start getting better for everyone.”

“Talon...” Chinh exhaled looking down at the letter in her hands.
“Talon.” her mother repeated with a glow of hope.
“We don’t know when the representative is coming? What do we do?”
“Leave that to me, I will prepare our house into a regular ambassador’s chamber.” Chinh’s mother smiled with delight as the two walked briskly home together for an appetizing dinner.

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

Ryu
11-09-2001, 08:26 PM
Chapter 2
The nation of Azu was 8 hours from Kupya by speed jet. A great distance considering the velocity of the aircraft. Plans had been made, and Talon HeadQuarters was ready to dispatch an officer to the field. A call boomed out over the intercom, filling the entire building with the voice of the Master Superior. “SPIRO VO DUONG, PLEASE REPORT TO THE GENERAL’S OFFICE ASAP.”
The sound carried across the hallways and dorms of the grand building, and moved through the library, up the stairs to the visitor’s center, and around back towards the recreation area.
“SPIRO VO DUONG, PLEASE REPORT TO THE GENERAL’S OFFICE ASAP FOR INSTRUCTION ON NEXT ASSIGNMENT.”
A husky kid of about 21 years began running through the hallways in a huff. His strides were powerful, and his legs carried him swiftly, and with great strength and grace. His hair was a deep black, straight, but full, and fell to his shoulder line. His neck was thick for a man of his height, but was not unnatural in any way. His shoulders were broad, matched only by his chest. Students of the HeadQuarters turned to look at him as he ran past. His black suede jacket shook violently with his forceful pace, and his black boots clumped and echoed in the halls behind him. He wore snug black pants held in place with a chain and a holstered weapon at his side. Upon the side of his pants leg, as well as the breast of his caliginous jacket was a beautifully drawn design of an eagle’s talon.
“Hey Spiro!” a young man greeted as the youth darted past him. “Better hurry up to the office, you know how the general hates tardiness. When you get done come by the gym tonight so I can kick your ass again!”
“Nice to see you too.” Spiro said sarcastically as he made his way up to the elevator in the center hall. The man who had greeted him laughed a hoarse laugh.

The elevator emitted a low hum as it ascended each floor of the Talon HeadQuarters. Spiro laid his head back on the wall of the lift and closed his eyes. He vented a deep sigh as if releasing some pent up pain in his heart. When his eyes opened the pain was gone, and his face showed the emotionless state of an attack dog listening to orders. A small ring chimed as the elevator came to a stop. A moment later the doors spread open, and Spiro Vo Duong stepped forward with no hesitation. The blue walls of the hallway did little to let light into the the rather
dim corridor. Spiro walked forth not stopping nor taking his eyes from his destination in front of him. A large cherry wood door beckoned his entry. Spiro gripped the handle with a firm grasp, twisted, and pushed it open. Light from the next room engulfed him, and the hallway behind him, devouring the darkness like the morning sunrise. A large, burly man sat in a beautifully furnished oak desk. His left hand jotted down on a piece of yellow paper. It moved with grace and age, and seemed to function as it’s own identity as he looked up. The light from the room glared off his spectacles hiding the eyes behind them in a luster. “Spiro!” he bellowed out with a deep voice. “You made it here in good time, thank you.”
“Thank you, sir,” Spiro replied, “the message said I had an assignment?”
“Ah yes. Tell me, Spiro, what do you know of Kupya?”
“Kupya, sir? It is a farming community over by the valley region.”
The general looked into Spiro’s eyes. Spiro, however, remained focused and disciplined. The general spoke out again. “Are you aware of the situation in the valley region?”
“I know about the Corporation, but I have heard up till this point that they have been dormant. Their city is becoming ravaged with crime and plague. There is no moral action by the Garbana.”
“That is true,” the general answered, “Garbana has not had control of the Neo City for some years now. Nor do they care it seems. The criminal element there has half a brain cell enough not to get in the way of Garbana itself or the Corporation.”
“So then what is my order sir? To see how bad the situation is getting?”
“Well kind of. Spiro Vo Duong, please have a seat.” Spiro did as he asked. The general leaned back in his chair releasing a loud creak of its olden legs. “You will now be briefed on this subject.”
“Yes, sir.”
“The Tu Corporation has been dormant for about a year or so now. Not moving at all it seems.
Not growing. Nothing. Talon has sent scouts to the Neo City in hopes of retrieving some key information on the plans and situation of the Garbana and the Corporation. What we have discovered is that the Corporation wishes to move it’s position beyond the Neo City and the regions around it. The Neo City is a very dismal place. That is certain. The morale is at an all time low. Personally, from the stories I’ve heard, I hope the situation there is very much exaggerated. Tu Corporation wants to expand. It wants more control than is currently available in that area. Which means the Corporation will be on the move shortly. The towns and cities in the area are in even greater danger than they have been. Tu will probably be moving west.”
“That means...” Spiro started.
“...Exactly,” the general finished, “Tu and Garbana will also be making their way here as well as the regions beyond our borders. This is where you come in, Spiro. Tomorrow morning, at four
hundred hours, you will take a speed jet to the town of Kupya. It is 59 miles east of the Neo City.
We have a host for you there. One of the villagers will take you in. Look for someone named Minh Tran. After you get your bearings, I want you to make your way to the Neo City and find out the exact time Tu plans to start making his move. You will not be alone in this assignment. We will establish a contact for you there.” The general raised his big hand to his mouth and called out with a thunderous boom. “PHONG!” Spiro turned to see his old friend step inside the office with lighting fast reflexes. Shoulders squared, and his hand raised in salute to his commanding officer, Phong smiled at Spiro with even teeth. His face was smooth, and blemishless, and his
straight hair was a snowy white giving off the same disciplined aura as his inert stance. Around his neck he wore a cross of silver and gold, and a uniform that matched Spiro’s. His shirt let off the same white brilliance as his hair, and the rest of him was enclothed in black. The suede jacket, black trousers, boots, and chain, and was ranked with the beautiful design of the eagle’s talon. His eyes met Spiro’s, and he kept his smile bright. “Hello, Spiro.”
Spiro smiled back at him with the same friendly energy. “Hey, buddy.” he said.
“Boys,” the general barked. Both young men returned their attention fully to their commander. “Phong here will be your contact, Spiro.” the general instructed, “He will be leaving for the Neo City a day after you leave. You will meet him in a church in the center of town. That is your contact point, do you understand?”
“Yes, sir.” Spiro replied loudly.
“Good, now let me tell you one more thing. The Neo City is a dangerous place to be stuck in.
Spiro I do not want one of my men lost there. Even a Talon could be in for a battle there. You two meet right away and get your info. When that is done you will withdrawal immediately and report back to me. Understood?”
“Yes, Sir!” both men barked.
“Is there any question from the two of you?” the general asked.
“Yes, sir, I have one.” Spiro stated. The general and Phong turned to him. “This village of Kupya...who scheduled the host?”
“We received a letter from Kupya asking for help in the situation there. Personally I wanted to move against Tu for a while now, but the Master Superior wouldn’t hear of it. A civilian, Minh
Tran, I mentioned her before, sent us the letter. So we decided to send you as protection as well as an info mole.”
“I see,” said Spiro, “so then you wish for me to also liberate the village?” Spiro tried to hide a bright smile of glory as he mentioned this.
The general leaned back into his chair once again. “Unfortunately, Spiro, Kupya is a small community and I fear that once the Corporation is on the move it will be the first to fall.”
“But sir! Aren’t these people expecting our protection??”
“If you want to protect them you must stick with your assignment. The faster you return here, the more hope the valley regions have to survive this.” Spiro was silent. “Dismissed,” the general boomed once again, “Phong return to your duties.”
“Yes, sir.” came Phong’s reply.
“And you, Spiro, you better get some rest. Tomorrow is a big day for you.”
“Sir.” Spiro said, turned, and marched out of the office.

Chapter 3
The alarm clock spit its shattering cry into the ears of a slumbering Spiro. With a yawn, and a stretch, he bounded out of bed and threw on a clean white t-shirt. Switching the annoying sound off, Spiro walked groggily into the dorm’s washroom, and gently washed his face in the icy water. As the water soothingly rinsed over his face, his muscular arms moved for a towel on the hook in the wall. Along his forearms, previously hidden before through the long sleeves of the Talon jacket, was an off white bandage. The bandages wrapped up his wrist all the way to his elbow, and was mimicked on his other arm as well. Spiro gelled his long black hair slightly, slipped into his Talon jacket, and finalized his attire with a long black traveling cloak. His curiously bandaged forearms were once again sealed from view. Shrugging a travel bag over his husky shoulder, Spiro took one final look at his room, and departed.
The Talon HeadQuarters was serenely quiet at this early in the morning. Hall lights stayed on during the night hours, so as not to make an unsafe environment. Spiro walked slowly down the long hall listening to his own footsteps tap the floor in tranquil succession. The general waited
for him at the end of the long corridor. He saluted as Spiro approached. Spiro at once stopped in attention and saluted back. “Well Spiro,” the general said softly, “I wish you luck on this mission.”
“Thank you, sir.” Spiro replied in disciplined fashion.
“Remember your orders at all times my boy. Do not stray from them. Keep in mind that you are still a rookie Talon here. In and out is your strategy here. Never forget that. The objective always comes first.”
“Yes sir!” Spiro whispered loud and with conviction, “I will be reporting to you again shortly.”
“Glad to hear it,” the general smiled, “and Spiro one more thing.”
Spiro eyed him and spoke, “Yes, sir?”
“Keep yourself safe.”
“Yes, sir.” Spiro saluted once more to the general who returned the gesture back. He then opened a hallway door for Spiro to enter.
“Your speed jet is waiting in the outside hanger. Good luck, Vo Duong.” the general said.
“Thank you, sir.” Spiro gave a slight bow and exited Talon HeadQuarters.
The Talon speed jet was a massive looking machine. It’s nose resembled some kind of iron beast bird that had just sensed its next prey. The body was a dark and beautiful midnight blue, and the sleek metal of the aircraft trapped the light around it giving it a shine that was unmatched by anything the people of Azu had ever seen. It truly was a marvelous, and yet frightening, work of art. Inside the leather interior, Spiro motioned the pilot for his departure. Raising a gloved hand, the pilot waved his compliance. Spiro sat comfortably in the seat of his
transport and felt the massive internal hum of the engine. The monster bird of steel began to move forward picking up speed. With a powerful thrust, the rocket engines blasted their anticipation, and the Talon speed jet throttled ahead. Then the giant bird was airborn, and soared into the clouds above. Spiro laid back, and closed his eyes. The air time would be around eight hours, and he had much on his mind.

Chinh was not usually the first one to wake up in the morning. When she had been a little girl it was nearly tradition for her to go downstairs to her mother and tug at her dress while she soothed and stirred Chinh’s breakfast. Chinh would stare wide eyed and want to cook too, inevitably knocking over some pot or spoon and then bawling the way only six years olds can do. Minh would try to hold back a compassionate laugh at her daughter’s preciousness. She would pick Chinh up and hold her in her arms the way only a mother of a six year old can do. And Chinh would stop her tears, and begin to giggle and laugh. Minh would then hold Chinh safely above her head and slowly twirl with her. Chinh would hold open her arms as if to fly like a bird.
The relationship between the two women had grown very deep. Deeper than most mother, and daughter relations. This morning was not the norm, however. Chinh had awoken before the sun had even began it’s ascent into the sky above. She had sat up in her bed staring out into the darkness of her room, and squeezed the covers around her shivering shoulders. Chinh was not cold, and she thought for a moment that perhaps a nightmare had roused her. But Chinh could not recall any memory of a dream. She almost felt as if there was something in the air around her that gave off an uncanny sense of premonition. Yet it was a premonition that remained cloaked in secrecy to her senses, and whatever the phenomenom was it kept her from returning to slumber.
Chinh tied a tepid robe around her, and slipped her nippy feet into a pair of wool warmers. She walked softly to the kitchen window and pulled a chair out from under her mother’s small dinner table. Sitting down, Chinh gazed up through the window into the black universe beyond. Each star gazed back down at her, and their light caressed her, and made her feel safe and secure. Chinh began to fathom the mysteries of the cosmos now presenting itself to her like some thesbian genius bowing after a masterpiece. Chinh wanted to ask it just how vast it could possibly be. Could what she stared up at through the smudged glass of a simple kitchen window really be an infinate continuum in which everything was a part of? Where did her emotions fit into the exobiological order of things? Did they matter? Did Chinh, herself matter? Her mind finally began to grow fatigued and flustered at the many thoughts she internalized. Chinh let out a wide yawn, and sunk into the chair pillowing her head in her arms. The feeling of premonition was ceasing to bother her. Chinh once again grew tired. Another yawn enveloped her mouth, and Chinh was soon asleep on the chair she sat upon.

Chinh was awoken with a start. Minh was busy pulling out pots and pans for the morning’s breakfast. Chinh sat up straight rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Warming her was an old blanket that she used to adore as a child. Minh must have put it around her in the early morning she thought.
“So do you want to tell me what on earth you are doing there sleeping on a chair in the middle of the kitchen?” her mother scolded.
“I ...uh.” Chinh faltered.
“You’ll freeze to death sleeping like that. You have to keep warm at night.”
“I know, I just woke up early and I was walking around. I must have fallen asleep.”
“Is there anything bothering you honey?” Minh asked very much in a mother’s tone.
“No I’m okay mother.” Chinh smiled. Minh stared at her daughter, and cocked her head to one side. She spoke in a gentle manner.
“What were you thinking about?” She asked Chinh.
“The universe I suppose.” Chinh started laughing a good laugh.
“Universe? What? Planets. Space. God?”
“Something like that. I was just in a weird mood when I woke up. Like I want something to happen or I know something IS going to happen. Or maybe it already did and I missed it. Maybe I won’t see it.” Chinh gauged her mother’s reaction. Then with a cheerful laugh, Chinh explained on. “I think I’m just excited about Talon or something.”
“I understand,” her mother said. “You know what? I had a dream last night that we were a part of Talon! Isn’t that exciting?”
Chinh laughed again. “Oh really! Mother!”
“Laugh all you want, it was a nice dream. It started out with the two of us becoming Talon members and fighting the Corporation. We stopped Tu and made him apologize to everyone,” Minh’s pleasant laugh filled the kitchen, “Yes it was silly, but it felt good. But it was kind of sad at the end.”
“Sad?” Chinh repeated.
“Yes, well not too sad. You just had to leave me.”
“Leave? Why did I do that?”
“I don’t know. Because you were an adult and you were to go on your own quests. But I was always with you. And I watched over you as you went.”
“Mom.” Chinh smiled.
“It was a nice dream. Let’s hope it comes true.” Minh smiled back.
“Comes true? I don’t want to leave you behind.”
Minh chuckled once again. “Well we all must grow up. You’re almost an adult
now anyway.”
“I am an adult!” Chinh stammered playfully. The two women hugged each other. This was not a moment that was out of the ordinary for Chinh and her mother. Their bond transcended that of mere parenting and adolescence. There in the kitchen enjoying another new and bright morning, Chinh and Minh prepared breakfast together. Afterwards they sat to eat, and talked of cheeful
experiences they had shared, dreams of the future, and other intimate feelings from their heart. Something still seemed to bother Chinh, and her mother, very astute at this sort of thing, asked her what was on her mind. Chinh looked up from her munching.
“Have you ever wondered if this is the safe thing to do?” Chinh asked.
“Safe?” Minh repeated the word.
“Yeah, I mean we have been playing with the notion of fighting the Corporation since I was a little girl. But now we might have gone too far maybe.”
“Gone too far?” Minh said aghast, “How can you say that?”
“I’m just saying that the Corporation itself has always been a fantasy to me. I’ve never even seen it in reality. And since reality is where we live, this whole situation seems dangerous to me.”
“How come you haven’t mentioned this to me before?”
“We have never gone this far before! Talon is sending someone to us! Have you ever thought about the consequences of that?? What if the Corporation finds out? I don’t want to make enemies with a dictatorship like that.”
“I didn’t raise you to bow like a servant girl in front of the Corporation!” Minh scolded.
“Mom!” Chinh said angrily, “I only mean that we are not some kind of resistence faction! We have no weapons, no way of fighting anyone! This has been a fantasy up to this point.”
“Yes it has, and now that fantasy has a chance of turning to reality.”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying! Reality doesn’t say that it will be a good thing! Mom, I’m scared. Both you and I have always hated the Corporation but they have not really been in our lives at all.”
Minh looked at the ground. She didn’t respond.
“I don’t want to lose you, mom.” Chinh said with a hushed voice.
“Sweetie, you’re not going to lose me. I know this is scary. I guess I am scared too. When I wrote those letters I didn’t think anyone would respond so I kept at it. I never imagined they would answer one. And I never dreamed of them sending someone to help us!”
“Well what’s going to happen?”
“I don’t know. We just have to wait and see. I can’t just write another letter saying `oh I’m sorry, I changed my mind`.”
“I’m scared a little mom. I’m scared that we might have been over zealous about this whole thing. We’re just farmers...I hate the Corporation like you do. You know that. But what are
we going to do? Throw a pig at them??”
“When did you become the reality spokeswoman anyway?” Minh asked.
“I’m not!” Chinh snapped, “I don’t know what the Corporation is truly capable of. If the stories are all true, then it’s a hell of a lot. I don’t want to lose you. That’s what it comes down to.”
“Chinh...” her mother started.
“They have not done anything to us personally or the village,” Chinh said, “But that doesn’t excuse what they have done to other people.”
Minh dropped a dish onto the floor. It shattered into tiny pieces upon impact. She bent down and gathered them up. She didn’t respond to Chinh’s statement.

Chinh knelt down and helped her mother pick up the broken glass.

It was noon. The sun had just reached center sky above, and everyone hustled by with their daily chores, and routines. Minh and Chinh gathered wheat stems in the field behind their house. The didn’t say much, but occasionally glanced up at the other and gave a warm smile.
Chinh grabbed, cut, and pulled the wheat stems into her sack in a rhythmic pattern. She was a hard worker, however Chinh would usually use this time to daydream and think to herself about issues in her life. She would internalize much, and sort it around until it made sense to her. What didn’t make sense to her she kept in...stored for another time of reflection. She was so engrossed in thought this morning that she didn’t notice that a large shadow began to creep up on the village of Kupya. The dark umbra first engulfed the far fields, and then made its way down towards the villagers’ housing. Soon it drowned the center of the village with its girth. A young worker from the field finally noticed the peculiar eclipse, and looked skyward. The old wooden bucket that he had in his hand dropped from his fingertips. He stumbled backwards in astonishment calling out to everyone with a shaky voice. Chinh and Minh dropped what they were doing and looked up as well. The shock seized them as well. Crowds of people began to form in the center of town, as whispers of disquietude and fear spread like wildfire. Minh and Chinh made their way to the other villagers their mouths agape. Arriving by air was a monsterous aircraft. The machine’s wingspan dwarfed many of the homes in the village, and along its brilliant steel finish lay rows of iron rings held fast, and shinning with blazing light. The black metal jet touched down in Kupya’s core. The mighty winds that galed from thunderous engines blew crops, tools, and even some livestock backwards, and crashing. The people of Kupya shielded their eyes as the gusts threatened to uproot them as well. Soon the engines died down, and the awesome bird was before them. Stepping closer, one of the villagers let out a startled scream as she realized the insignia on the craft’s side. Soon murmurs started once again.
“Mom?!” Chinh whispered loudly, “what’s going on?”
“This jet...” Minh trembled.
“What? What is it?”
“Oh my god.” Minh breathed.
“What is it?” Chinh demanded. Suddenly her eyes gleamed with excitement. “It’s Talon, isn’t it?!”
Minh shook her head slowly never taking her eyes off what lay before her and the rest of the town. “No, Chinh...” she shook with fright, “It is a Garbana airplane.”
Chinh suddenly felt as though the atmosphere was funneling into a tunnel before her eyes. Her heart dropped and a queazy and paralyzing feeling crept up her thigh into her stomach. She said not a word, and only stared like the rest.
“Oh god,” her mother whispered. “What have I done?”
“Momma?” Chinh said barely breathing.
“They must know. Oh god, they must know. Why else would the Corporation’s police force come here?”
“Mom, please.” Chinh said trying to grasp her mother’s hand. Minh could feel Chinh’s paralysis when she touched her and held her hand tightly, and gave it warmth.
“Chinh,” she said. “Don’t panic, we can’t freeze up like this.”
“I know.” Chinh replied. But they did feel frozen. Chinh had been extremely accurate in the fact that reality would hit harder then expected. Minh had thought about what to do in a situation like this almost all her life, but now as the cold, and real steel stared back at her, Minh’s body began to feel as if it were sinking.
Chinh tried to gain control of her unresponsive muscles and nudged her mother’s hand. “It’s not a good idea to stay here.”
“No, I suppose you’re right,” Minh whispered back, “just follow me when I move.”
“I will.”
“Let’s go slowly.”
Minh and Chinh kept low and quailed slowly through the flabbergasted crowd. They did not stop as they heard the mechanized side door slide open. Nor did they pause when the voice of the first Garbana soldier echoed through the silent village. Only after what had been said began to sink into their ears did they hold. Minh and Chinh exchanged perplexed glances and rose their heads up and back into the crowd.
“I repeat,” the Garbana soldier exclaimed in a somewhat non-threatening tone, “we are here to look for the one who bears the green emblem of the `new destiny`. We have been searching far and wide, and we are running short on time. Please line up in single lines for us. All men in one line, women in the other, and children in the third.”
“What the hell does that mean?” Chinh asked Minh.
“Green emblem? I am not sure.”
The Garbana soldier spoke again. “We wish your pardon for our intrusion here, as well as your cooperation with our assignment and policy.” The villagers began to murmur again. This time in bewilderment. From the raven jet appeared a new face shielded with ebony sunglasses. Stepping out from the craft, a slender man with hair down to his waist turned to them. His hair was darker than the blackest midnight, and his shades gleamed, and sparkeled in the sunlight. He wore a deep blue Garbana uniform which formed nicely over his defined muscles. The uniform was coated with thin armor and a breastplate exposing many commemoration gently moved up and down with each breath. His trousers also were a deep blue, and pressed to perfection. The villagers began to feel an air of trepidation as the next ornamatation came into view. Latched to his side hung a lethal rapier.
“Who’s that man?” Chinh asked.
“I don’t know, I’ve never seen him before.” Minh answered. Chinh’s eyes instantly shot up at her mother who did not look down at her.
“Before?!”
“Chinh, I....” Minh faltered.
“What do you mean `before`?”
“Shhh,” Minh held her finger to her lips in the universal signal for silence, “listen.”
“Please line up as you have been instructed.” the soldier said once more. At a loss, the villagers hesitantly began to obey the command. Minh and Chinh moved into their respective lines as well so as not to draw attention to themselves. They looked at each other, and then waited to hear what came next. When it was over, and the lines had been formed, the soldier thanked them.
“Thank you for your cooperation,” he said, “Listen well to your next instructions. There will be a total of three Garbana officers who will set up individual tents here in your village. Since it is of great importance that we find the green emblem we must ask you to file one by one into these tents for an examination.”
The crowd began to grow restless with the statement.
“This will mean to remover your clothing and undergarments, and allow your examiner to thoroughly check you.”
There was a rush of angered and fearful voices in the lines. Minh and Chinh squinted their eyes at the sound of the command. “What the hell?!” Chinh said, “That man doesn’t think we are going to do something like that!”
“I wouldn’t be surprised at anything these *******s say!” Minh said with an angry tone, “Don’t worry I am not about to let this kind of sick treatment happen.”
With the commotion in the village reaching high proportions, no one noticed a shadowy figure silently slip through the crowd. The figure wore a long black traveling cloak with a large hood that hid his entire face and head. Moving to a inconspicuous spot the figure kept a low profile, and watched the events before him. The soldier once again began to speak.
“People!” he shouted, “I know this is troubleing, but this is the policy that must be enforced right now. I assure you that no harm will come to anyone of you, and that this search is indeed a professional and confidential matter.”
“That *******!” Minh snarled under her breath.
“Mom?” Chinh said surprised at her mother’s ire.
“The examination will not take longer than 30 seconds. Thank you,” the soldier then waved a signal to the other soldiers in the midst of the ship, “start taking them in.” he said.

Groups of soldiers began to march behind the lines of men, women, and children. Young girls began to wail as they were seperated from their parents. Men tried to fall out of line, but were visciously pushed back into formation by the butts of Garbana lazer rifles. Chinh’s felt her face getting flustered and hot at the sounds of the small childrens’ cries, but Minh had already made her move.
“This isn’t going to happen, Chinh!” she said. Her paralysis relinquishing. Minh broke out of her line and took a defensive stance. “GARBANA!” She screamed, “STOP THIS!”
Chinh stood with her mouth hung open, and suddenly shook off the surprise and ran to her mother. “Geez, Chinh,” she said sarcastically to herself, “are you absolutely certain that we’re not a resistence faction?” Chinh rushed to her mother, stopping abrubtly by her side. The dirt from her shoes exploded up in a mist. “Mom!” she excalimed. “I hope we know what the hell we’re doing!”
“Guards!” screamed the soldier, “surround them!” Numbers of Garbana troops exited the plane, and circled the two women. The soldier waved his hand stopping everything, as the lines of people looked in amazement. “Ladies, you are putting yourself in great risk approaching us like that! Explain yourself!”
Minh began to falter with her words again, the queazy feeling started to come back to her. She opened her mouth, but no words came forth. Chinh, trembling with adrenaline, spoke the words her mother was searching for. “This inspection of yours is disgusting and inhumane!” she shouted. “Look at these children! They’re scared to death of you!”
Minh looked down at her daughter with startled eyes. “What happened to reality outdoing our fantasies?” she asked with an adrenaline pumped voice.
“Screw it,” Chinh said with a smile, “we blew that long ago.”
Minh smiled at her daughter. The Garbana soldier, however, was less then amused. He waved his hand once again, and the troops began to fall upon them. Two guards escorted Minh and Chinh face to face with the soldier. They went without resistence.
“You two are acting extremely stupid!” he spat, “it is becaus of you loud mouths that this is going to be more difficult then before!” The soldier stood tall and eyed them not noticing the figure in black moving slowly towards the action. The people of Kupya began to scream and shout in defiance. Some picked up stones and hurled them at the standing guards.
“ENOUGH!” the soldier boomed, “you two are more trouble then you’re worth!” Suddenly the soldier eyed Minh with a steady eye. “You,” he said, “I know...you. I had a hunch.”
“What?!” Chinh clamored.
“Those years ago at the Corporation!” the soldier said astonished, “you were the one that gave us that trouble.”
“Gave you trouble?!” Minh exploded with sorrow and rage, “You can say that to a woman who you kidnapped and whose child you experimented with?!” Chinh was thunderstruck, and could only stare at her mother.
“I despise you!!” screamed Minh as she broke free of the guard’s grasp and struck out at the soldier. A muscled hand caught her fist in mid-flight, and held her off her feet. The slender swordsman who wore the black sunglasses seemed to effortlessly restrain her. Chinh flew into a rage at the sight.
“Get your hands off of her!” she bellowed, “or I’ll kill you myself!” Chinh lunged, but was also blocked by the mysterious swordsman. Guards grabbed her and pulled her away.
“Enough,” the soldier stammered, “Tie them up, and bring them back to base.”
“Yes, sir.” said a nearby guard who moved towards them. With him, he carried a coil of rope which he pulled taught in his hands. He hadn’t made it three steps when a blinding flash sailed through the air lopping the rope in two, and narrowly missing the wrists of the would be captor.
“HOLY!” he screamed as the severed cordage drifted to the ground like a falling leaf. The flying weapon hit the side of the Garbana jet imbedding itself into the steel.
“Who DARES?” the soldier said with a red face of pent up fury. His eyes scanned the crowd. He didn’t have to search far. In the middle of the town stood a black cloaked figure. He raised his hand towards the soldier in mock fasion and spoke with a lackadaisical tone.
“Excuse me,” the figure said, “I don’t believe those young women want to go anywhere. Nor do I believe that the people of this town wish to carry through with your plans. I say we call it a day, and go home for now.”
The town was completely silent. No one knew what to think of the bizarre situation unfolding in front of them. Some guards moved cautiously towards the sickled weapon that protruded out from the black shiny steel of the Garbana plane. Bits of rope still dangled from its razor like circumference. It gleamed brighter than the jet itself.
“What the hell IS that thing?” one of the guards whispered to another, as he examined the deadly model. The soldier was held in angered stupor by the figure before him. He stared with wide eyes.
“Who in the world are you supposed to be?” he asked in annoyed bewilderment.
“Me?” the figure said. “No one in particular. Just a passer by.”
“A passer by?” the soldier repeated with growing anger and suspicion. “with a weapon like that in your arsenal you are just a passer by.” By now every eye in the village was on the figure in black. They waited for his answer.
“Yep, that’s right.”
“Really?” the soldier nodded with restlessness, “guards, kill him.”
“Hey, let’s not turn to violence okay?” the figure said as he reached within his cloak, “we all can still just walk out of here.” Five soldiers drew their lazer rifles and prepared to fire. The figure lashed out at once pulling from his cloak a huge sword. The sight of the surprising weapon froze the guards for a small moment. This turned out to be what the figure had been hoping for, as he struck each with a circular move. For a split second all five guards stood in their place then suddenly all slumped to ground dead. The soldier jumped down to where the figure stood, and grasped the cloak around him.
“Hmm, extremely good for a `passer by`!” he yelled. The figure escaped the cloak, but was forced to give up his hiding place. All eyes fell upon him. His shoulder length black hair waved in the wind, and his suede jacket grew tight around his muscles as he gripped his sword tightly. The design of Talon seemed to shine bright in the light of the sun.
“I thought so.” the soldier said, “You’re a Talon!”
The mouthes of both Chinh and Minh dropped open as their hearts began to race even faster then ever. The people of Kupya began to cheer as Spiro dropped into a fighting posture.
“I’m going to give you another chance to leave this town.” Spiro said gripping his sword hilt. The soldier moved away from him and said “I have heard all about you Talons. Let’s see if you’re really as tough as the rumors say.” He waved his hand one final time, and with it came Spiro’s challenge. Sliding the rapier out of its sheath, the mysterious swordsman took on an unorthodox fighting stance.
“Ace Nguyen,” the soldier commanded, “Kill the Talon.”
Spiro kept his guard position up while the swordsman began to elegantly drift from the plane’s exterior to the soft ground below. The black shades gazed upon him, and Spiro could feel the strength, and will of the eyes behind them. The swordsman moved closer still, and fell into the same eccentric stance as before. He spoke with an articulate word structure and tone. “This meeting does not concern you. Please depart at once if you wish to leave with your head.”
“I don’t want to fight you,” Spiro said. His fists never loosened their grip. “if you don’t leave this town now, I will kill you. I don’t want to.” The warrior seemed pleased with this statement. He inched closer. Spiro began to step slowly backwards keeping the distance even throughout the dialogue.
“You’re a brave man I see,” the swordsman stated, “that is wonderful, and I respect another swords expert. You seem tense however, you do not have the confidence to battle all out.”
The soldier yelled his frusteration and impatience to Ace Nguyen. “ACE! GET IN THERE AND KILL THE TALON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!”
“Perhaps this could have been a better battle elsewhere.” the swordsman said as he raised his rapier. The blade whipped with lighting speed. Spiro tried to dodge out of the way in haste. The now silent crowd gasped in unison, as the dust from the powerful blow subsided. Ace sheathed his rapier and looked ahead. Spiro sat in a low stance a few yards away. He smiled to the swordsman, as he raised the cut sleeve of his jacket. A harmonious swoon echoed from the town’s people. Spiro’s bandages had also been severed by the mightly strike of the lethal rapier. Quickly, Spiro wrapped his bare forearm the best he could, and hid it in the torn sleeve of his jacket. All eyes fell upon the Garbana swords expert, whose eyebrows seemed to raise a notch. They watched the tense plight in cold anxiety. It was only Chinh who noticed what Spiro had hidden from the rest. She made not a sound, nor did Spiro know of what she had seen, but the sight made Chinh’s heart jump. She wondered if her eyes had tricked her with some illusion. Chinh stared on with her mother, but repeated the sight in her mind. Her inner voice asked her conscious mind to apprise the information it had just witnessed. Instead, all she could do was
question her own senses.
“His arm...,” Chinh said to herself, “...green?”
Spiro finished wrapping his bandage and slowly rose up to his on guard stance. Sword in place, Spiro nodded to Ace Nguyen. The swords of the two combatants could have easily cut the tension in the air at that moment. Then it happened. Spiro lunged out with a wide arc. Ace parried it, and countered with a straight thrust that just missed Spiro’s throat. The two dueled like armored knights, and suddenly with the guards’ attention drawn, Chinh stomped down hard with a well placed foot onto the instep of her aggresors. The guard yelped in pain letting go of Chinh. Minh saw the commotion and brought her knee up between the legs of another Garbana officer. Punching with all her might, Chinh landed a heavy blow to the face of the already whimpering guard. He fell off the plane’s exterior, and landed with a thud in the dirt below sending clouds puffing up around him. The crowd broke into a furious frenzy and began attacking their captors. Each Garbana was taken completely by surprise! Throwing their arms up to shield their faces, the Garbana forces began to retreat. Rocks and debri hurled through the air hitting several guards alongside the head, and neck. Complete pandemonium erupted within the town of Kupya. Guards scattered, people charged, tables and fences were overturned, and broken, and in the midst of all the chaos, Spiro and the Garbana swordsman, Ace Nguyen, did battle. Herds of startled guards, and angered villagers, surrounded the two combatants. Chinh began fighting alongside Minh, as more soldiers began to pour out of the monsterous aircraft. The leading soldier finally barked new orders to his troops.
“Fall back!” he cried, “Ace return now! Everyone hurry up, this is an extraneous battle!” The soldiers soon began to disengage the villagers of Kupya, and retracted themselves back towards the black Garbana attack plane. Spiro chased after Ace Nguyen, as he dashed back toward the other officers. Blocked by two Garbana guards, Spiro was forced to break off the chase and engage them both. As the soldiers fell at Spiro’s sword, Ace called to him with a loud and thunderous voice. “Till we meet again swordsman,” he thundered, “this joust has not ended.” Then he was gone into the blackness of the plane’s interior. Chinh backpeddled from a guard who chased her swinging a large club over his head. Spiro, dealing with another soldier, backed into her. Their bodies collided, and as they turned with a start they came face to face with each other. The moment was but a split second in time, but during the brief exchange, the eyes of the two met with a defiant gaze. Chinh An Tran stared up at Spiro Vo Duong, and as the eyes of the Talon soldier examined the soft face of the woman he had moments ago rescued, an inexplicable feeling suddenly grazed his body. The moment held fast in the chaos. For this brief interlude, all around them fell away. There were no soldiers, no village, no chaos. There was nothing. The only entities were themselves. Chaos broke the moment in time they shared, as three soldiers attacked in a burst of energy! Chinh could barely take her eyes off the Talon, but as he nodded to her with a smile the two met their adversaries head on. The attack was so strong that the bodies of the guards literally flew up, and landed heavily on the ground before the rising aircraft. The moment in time was gone. The soldiers got to their feet and scurried to grab hold of their comrades outstrethced hands. The last of the soldiers leaped into the inner part of the jet. Rising up with a deafening howl, the Garbana aircraft beaten, and damaged, shot throught the sky like a bullet from a Talon pistol. The Kupyian people exploded into cheer at the sight of the fading jet now a spec upon the firmament beyond. Slowly harmony began to restore order in the small village. Chinh and Minh stood watching the heavens above. Then Chinh turned to Spiro.
“You are a Talon?” she asked.
“Yes, ma’am.” Spiro reassured, “I was sent here by HeadQuarters itself.”
“Then you are here in response to my letter,” Minh said with a gleam in her eye, and a panting voice.
“You are Minh An Tran?” Spiro inquired.
“Yes I am. Thank you, sir. You really saved us here.”
“Yes, ma’am. I was happy to help you. Talon has been at odds with the Tu Corporation and Garbana for some time now.”
Chinh walked over to Spiro. “My name is Chinh,” she said extending her hand in gesture.
“Chinh?” Spiro asked, “Chinh, and...Minh?”
“Yeah.” Chinh snitted with her hands moving to her hips. Spiro bit his tongue.
“Ah yes ma’am,” he stuttered shaking her hand, “Spiro Vo Duong.”
“Nice to meet you,” Chinh shook back, “I never expected all this, I hope you are not injured?”
Spiro rubbed the back of his hair with his hand. “Injured? No ma’am, I’m fine...um how are you?”
Chinh couldn’t help but laugh. The Talon before her was anything but what she expected. She planned for a brusque, and martial type definately not a young man who seemed bashful, and from what she could gather had trouble articulating himself. “I don’t know,” she laughed, “I have too much adrenaline in me to figure it out. I think I may not get out of bed tomorrow.” Spiro laughed at her joke.
“Mr. Duong, please allow us to take you into our home,” Minh said excitedly, “I’ll attend to any need you will require in your mission with us.”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Spiro bowed politely, “I hope I can assist you to the fullest of my potential.”
Spiro quickly scanned his surroundings, and followed them into the heart of the village.

Chapter 4 (Birth)

........no chapter 4 for you guys. Wait for the movie LOL :D
This was just an excerpt.

Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

[This message was edited by Ryu on 11-10-01 at 10:36 AM.]

Ryu
11-09-2001, 08:39 PM
one note.

Chinh's mother, Minh AN Tran was spelled Minh Li Tran in this cut and paste. Please forgive the error. Obviously their names are the same.
The middle names of the women changed, and I forgot to add it on to Minh's.

It should be Minh An Tran, and not Minh Li Tran.


Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

Xebsball
11-09-2001, 09:45 PM
Thats lots of stuff, you'll have to wait an hour (my brain is slow) for me to read it all.

-------------------------
"I AM EFFECTIVNESS"

Xebsball
11-09-2001, 10:28 PM
Its great that now i can read your story while i download king of fighters 2000 (Yes, it's out, hahaha, emulation rules!).

-------------------------
"I AM EFFECTIVNESS"

Ryu
11-09-2001, 11:22 PM
ttt

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

rogue
11-10-2001, 12:07 AM
Where's the dirty parts! :mad:

Signed,
Rogue, Soke and Senior Grandmaster of Southeast American Brazillian Bagua Combat Chi jitsu Kempo Karate Do and Choral Society. (We are not affiliated with Southeast American Brazillian Bagua Jujitsu Kempo Karate Concepts, or Wan King Fist Kung Fu)

"Americans don't have the courage to come here," Mullah Mohammed Omar, leader of the Taliban

[I]
There is only one tactical principle which is not subject to change; it is, 'To use the means at hand to inflict the maximum

Ryu
11-10-2001, 12:34 AM
Sorry, Rogue.
No dirty parts in my stories. Maybe some inuendo for fun, but nothing more than that. ;)

Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

Ryu
11-10-2001, 01:37 AM
Come on guys, give me some opinions.

Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

Xebsball
11-10-2001, 02:06 AM
Ok, just finished reading. Some of it reminds me of final fantasy VII type of thing, i think its cool. This story could fit a rpg game for sure.

I have a question. If you were to think of the charactors, how do you imagine them? Anime-like, human-like (movie) or some other way. To me i think of them as anime type of charactors with the big eyes and everything.

BTW, that **** kof2000 now is not working, **** i was 75% done! ****, now because of the lame ass server i might have to download it all again!

-------------------------
"I AM EFFECTIVNESS"

kwokfist
11-10-2001, 06:00 AM
i didn't read it all (because I'm doing HW), but it sounds good so far. You shouldn't post it in this forum though, you have no way of restricting other people from stealing your ideas and/or actual text for their own commercial/public purposes.

Ryu
11-10-2001, 06:10 AM
Thanks, X,
well I picture them almost as people (though I can also picture them as animated "anime" type as well. If it was a film, I wouldn't use actors though I don't think. Perhaps very high quality computer graphics...

Kwok, thank you.
Well this is all copyrighted in my name by the patent office, etc. Plus I will not give out the whole story. This is just a small peek of it.
The whole thing I'd never put on internet.
I appreciate the concern though, and I agree to an extent. That's why I don't do this that often.

Ryu

http://home.vobis.net/user/roy/anime/images/streetfighter15.jpg


"One who takes pride in shallow knowledge or understanding is like a monkey who delights in adorning itself with garbage."

Sharky
11-10-2001, 06:13 AM
dude i hate reading lots of text on screen, will have to wait till monday and i'll print it off at uni and read it then ;)

All i wanted was some RICE CAKES! Now? WE MUST BATTLE.

honorisc
11-11-2001, 12:09 AM
CH1 ¶1 ln21~ You say traveling to many provinces, yet no mention of why.
Ch1 ¶1 ln21-25 going to provinces= all over the globe~?
Ch1 ¶1 ln26 Neocity description might could be a new ¶
Ch1 ¶1 ln37 ..city into the biggest~ to become the biggest
Ch1 ¶1 ln39 disgorged?
Ch1 ¶1 ln43 set doesn't go with into; into~up as an
Ch1 ¶1 ln54 any at all attempts; any and all; or any attempts at all.
Ch1 ¶2 O.K.
Ch1 ¶3 O.K.

Very some such, perhaps might have been, likely say some, some not.

honorisc
11-11-2001, 12:52 AM
Ch2 ¶1 (spiro is the name of an attitudy dragon of Nintendo64 or playstation)
Ch2 ¶2 ln01 hum, might should be (msb) humm
Ch2 ¶2 his face was smoothe and blemishes?
Ch2 ¶2 ...leave immediately...withdrawl, msb, withdraw

Ch3 ¶1 singular to plural? There was an off white bandage; then bandages?
Ch3 ¶1 inside interior leather? msb inside the interior was leather or inside, the interior-~ leather
Ch3 ¶2 ln03 soothed and stirred Chinh's breakfast? Soothed the breakfast?
Ch3 ¶3 ln13 before the sun had begun; msb, before the sun began or before the sun had begun
Ch3 phenomenom psb phenomenon
Ch3 7th from btm infinate msb infinite
Ch3 6th from btm was a part of msb was part of or was a part
Ch3 ¶4 old blanket used to msb use to [KFOer Robin would know]
Ch3 ¶5 O.K.
Ch3 ¶6 ln03 The msb They
Ch3 ¶7 Chinh's felt the...?
Ch3 `passer by` msb `passer by' [there is a code for a mirror image of the first accent when I come across it I'll say~ (some of the French speakers should be able to tell you if it's accent vergule or accnt grave or whatever)].


Liked description of Spiro...

Very some such, perhaps might have been, likely say some, some not.

rogue
11-11-2001, 01:21 AM
Not my cup of tea Ryu, I'm more of a Mickey Spillane (Mike Hammer rules!), Willian F Buckley, Louis LaMour and Tom Clancy kind of guy. I personally hate stories that read like RPGs, so you better count me out.

Signed,
Rogue, Soke and Senior Grandmaster of Southeast American Brazillian Bagua Combat Chi jitsu Kempo Karate Do and Choral Society. (We are not affiliated with Southeast American Brazillian Bagua Jujitsu Kempo Karate Concepts, or Wan King Fist Kung Fu)

"Americans don't have the courage to come here," Mullah Mohammed Omar, leader of the Taliban

[I]
There is only one tactical principle which is not subject to change; it is, 'To use the means at hand to inflict the maximum

honorisc
11-11-2001, 01:33 AM
Mickey Spillane doesn't read like a Role Playing Game?

Very some such, perhaps might have been, likely say some, some not.

Xebsball
11-11-2001, 02:55 AM
Hey, you lazy *******s out there that didnt read yet, read it *********!

-------------------------
"I AM EFFECTIVNESS"

Fish of Fury
11-11-2001, 03:46 AM
i liked it Ryu

my (hopefully constructive) critiscism...

first chapter seemed impersonal and tried to give too much info too quick.i think that's why it reads like an RPG.
following chapters definitely settled down well.

occaisionally felt like you where sticking in extra adjectives just 'cause you could.

don't "give away" the answers to the mysteries too quick...make us work for 'em.
eg. when the soldier recognises minh, let us ponder before even telling us that "they" experimented on her kid
and when spiros bandages get sliced , don't immediately tell us it's green (i was really intrigued there, and would have read through several paragraphs of crap just for the next hint 8)

just my opinions of course.
i'd buy it.when's it coming out? 8)

i like the little hints and mysteries eg. minh being so depressed even though things don't seem so bad.
did they kill her husband? is Tu really her husband who turned to the dark side after fighting obi wan? i can't wait to find out!
where can i buy a copy Ryu?

i also like the touches of humour and personality.that's what makes a book readable to me.
the "throw a pig at them?" comment was when i first started to care about the characters.(that's why IMO more character stuff and less info in the first chapter would be a good idea)

overall i give Ryu 2 thumbs up 8)

__________________________________________________ _________________________ "I'm just trying to lull you into a genuine sense of security!"