Hi Darin,
Thank you for your kind comments. I am just a regular guy with aptitudes and inclinations like yourself and many others, although mine are slightly different than yours. I am more of a contemplator, but I do meditate as well. I have studied Tao, Zen and Hindu thought since I was about 15 or so; also mythology, philosophy and other topics of interest to me. That makes it about 32 years now of study and application. I simply observe patterns and see how they apply to life. I am not a priest, but I probably would be a monk of some kind if the opportunity had wandered into my life and I could have done it while following my own path. I have two boys one soon to be 10 and one soon to be 15; divorced for 5 years and remarried for 1.
I have worked in many different jobs, but nursing is the one I do now. While I work as a nurse, I do not consider it my life and I do not gain any self-identity from it. It is merely a livelihood.
I do not consider myself a Taoist. This is because labels imply a fixed definition. If I say I am a Taoist it means one thing to one person and something else to another and even something else to me. None of these would be an accurate definition. Even labeling myself a student of Tao carries with it a definition, but it is more of an amorphous definition and humans want to give labels to one and other. If I had to label myself I suppose I would say I am a philosopher.
While I consider myself a student of Tao and a student of Zen I am also a student of life. As I have said, I observe patterns of life and try to see how they integrate into other patterns. It seems to be my natural inclination to do so and I was doing it spontaneously before I even knew I was doing it. At some point in my early 30’s or so the patterns started to make sense to me. That is the patterns seemed to integrate for me into an understandable cohesion. I have some college but never finished due to family responsibilities. I may return soon, or not, depending upon which way the wind blows.
I would try not to get too caught up with concerns about local or world-wide conspiracies. While they may be interesting to study, if they truly exist, there is nothing you can do about it and it will only cause fear, concern or distraction from more productive pursuits. Life is very much like the movie Matrix. There will always be a matrix or pattern of social control. I call it the world system. Life (man) would create one if one did not exist. This is because we require a relatively fixed pattern or context in which to relate to one and other. Once Tao became TWO, Yin and Yang, all forms of matrixes became inherent within nature. The division of the ONE into TWO was the first matrix. This is why the Tao Te Ching says, “…from two came three and from three came ten thousand things.” (verse 42). Groups of men may believe they control the world system, but in the end it all follows Tao, let them play in their own illusion. It is more productive to learn to rise above the matrix so it does not affect you. Be in the world, but not of the world, as it is said!
Remember that realizations should always be measured or tempered with reason. Some would disagree with this, but Yang (reason) carries equal value with Yin (direct experience). One does not prevail over the other; they are mutually arising. Experiences are integrated into our life using reason which allows us to discover a meaning that provides value or quality to the experience. If your experiences cannot be integrated into your life in a meaningful way their value is limited. Realizations that cannot be understood now may become understandable later in the light of greater experience and maturity. Realizations also change over time, their meaning frequently deepens. As we grow, an apparent Truth may appear to have changed; it hasn’t changed its meaning is merely understood within a greater context and this is may be considered a deepening of understanding.