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Reprinted with Full Permission From: Dr Manifeggsto's Encylopeadia of ALL World Knowledge
United States of America
Location: According to many of those who live there, the United States of America is at the geographical centre of the world, and indeed at the centre of the universe. It is, in reality, as far away from the UK as possible (see: History).
Climate: Unusually warm for a country so far in the Northern Hemisphere. Scientists have put this down to a pervasive cloud of hot air of undetermined origin, though this cloud is densest around areas like New York, Los Angeles, Washington, the "Bible Belt", and several other areas.
Population: Possibly as high as half a billion. Some say the figure is closer to three hundred million, but this fails to take into account the large number of Americans who cannot read censuses and who avoid paying tax (see: Economy, Education)
History: The United States was founded by religious zealots who were persecuted in Europe after they ignored warnings to cease knocking door to door calling for bans on Macbeth ("clearly supports evil for it doth have a ghost in it") and A Midsummer's Night's Dream ("Satanic in scope and theme"). Their cause was not helped by their habit of illustrating the evils of these plays by handing out leaflets printed by one Johnathon T Fowlchild.
The zealots, who were to become known as the Pilgrims, were exiled to the ****hest corner of the Earth known at the time, except for South America - which was considered unsuitable as a place of punishment due to the habit of her natives of attempting to defeat their enemies by giving them gifts of gold until they fell over. Here, they were able to found their own nation based upon their culture and beliefs.
Around a century and a half later, the British were taxing the colony to support her war against the French. The colony was seen as ideal to tax unfairly as no-one on the British mainland would argue that they didn't deserve it. They also felt that the colony, after more than 150 years of inbreeding, was too intellectually feeble to prove a match to the British army, a serious miscalculation.
It was believed by some, including revolutionary figure and economic philosopher John Adams that the way to beat the British at their own game would be to form a trade bloc that would out-perform the mother country on the open market. It was decided that the best market to attempt to corner would be the cornerstone of the British breakfast: Tea.
To launch their new enterprise, the world's biggest cup of tea (see: Economy) was created at Boston in 1774. Unfortunately, so much tea was put into the creation of this beverage that none was left to sell. It became, some argue, America's first, most disastrous, and shortest-lived economic venture.
The new colony decided to stick with what they knew: shooting people.
The British army arrived to attempt to quell the rebellion, but, in what would prove to be a catastrophic strategic error, allowed their soldiers -weary after spending months at sea- to watch some of the local American plays. After watching plays like "A Family of Eight (and Their Wise Servant) who do Face such Dilemmas such as: Should One Admit it was Their Skylarking Which Did Scratch Father's Horsecart?"; "Six Good Friends whose Romantic Machinations are Thinly Disguised by the Constant Barrage of Unfunny Wisecracks"; "The Adventures of Four who Live in New York who Make Jokes about the Location of their Pantaloons and Those who would Deny them Soup", the British army was hopelessly brain damaged, and forgot all their combat training. Instead, they marched down the main roads of towns and cities, with their uniforms adjusted so their suspenders formed a "X" over their chests, screaming "SHOOT ME NOW! SHOOT ME NOW! JUST SHOOT ME! (beghad) DO IIIIITTTTT!"
And so it was that the nation of America was born.
A while after this came the American Civil war, which was fought over the issue of: Should the Negro be Kept in Slavery, or Should They be Paid at Least $3.00* an Hour (and then Made to Pay Tax and Living Expenses). Four years later, economic commonsense, enforced with the judicious application of weapons, won the day.
More recently, the United States of America was forced, with much reluctance, to participate in World War II. They helped defeated the Nazis, taking all credit for winning the war, conveniently overlooking the contribution of the British, the French Resistance, the Soviet Unions, etc, etc, etc. They then set their sites upon Japan. After losing some quarter of a million lives, the Americans felt that this "gettin' all kilt is for the God-**** birds" and bravely destroyed two civilian cities. Japan surrendered shortly afterwards, heralding the dawn of a new era.
Then came America's darkest hour. The war waged against Vietnam cost America 50 000 lives, and was only twenty years after some other war in which 50 000 were killed- the theatre of which the author cannot remember at the time of writing. Amid protests and mounting casualties, the troops were called home, and America vowed never again to fight a nation who could fight back. Some revisionists have since claimed that the Vietnam war 'could have been won', overlooking the fact that although the war could have been won, it would only have been won after loss of lives, flying in the face of the dominant philosophy of the time to only fight nations with poorly organised, under-armed defences.
Since then, the United States has had many military triumphs, including Panama (defeating hordes of angry, banana-wielding soldiers), Grenada (despite the name, had no grenades), Libya (using planes to avoid having sand blow in their soldiers' eyes), El Salvador (see Panama, substitute 'pineapple' for 'banana'), Somalia (managing to thwart the natives' strategy of using starved bodies to trip soldiers over and skin their elbows, though a few wind-borne starved corpses did manage to fell some helicopters), Afghanistan and Iraq (the most technologically innovative of America's recent enemies, employing the long bow and musket).
Education: The United States is working to become one of the least educated countries in the world, believing that education is for 'them uppity types'. This has lead to a concerted campaign in the United States to reduce language to as few words as possible. Rather than invent new names for certain animals, for example, a hare is called a 'jackrarbit', a ground-dwelling rodent 'groundhawg', another ground-dwelling rodent 'prairie dawg', a creature which, to early settlers, resembled an African American stretched on a medieval torture device 'raccoon'.
The United States has also simplified their language through the use of simpler spelling. "Colour", for example, has one too many letters for an American mind, it has been shortened to "color". Eventually, with concerted campaigning by politicians, the word will eventually be spelt "klr". United States President Harry S Truman was a true pioneer in the field of "spelling simplificationization," refusing to have any spelling in his middle name whatsoever.
Some have argued that such a campaign is waste of time, since most Americans will never learn how to read anyway.
Educational institutions in the United States are designed to teach children which shoes to buy (Nike), which soft drinks to consume (Pepsi or Coca Cola depending on the institution) and which clothes to wear (basically any clothes that is produced via sweatshop labour).
