Worst Martial Arts Movie Ever!!!!!

[jethro]

Blue Travesty is right. There is a 10 pack of movies form Video Asia called Shaw Legends and it has 10 of the worst movies ever. While they were all HORRIBLE, I actually found one of the Gordon Liu movies had a couple of good action sequences. I couldn't name what the movie is about though. The only real wachable movie in that pack was a Chi Kuan-Chun movie but of course it had to have absolutely unwatchable picture quality.

It is truly amazing how many of hundreds of bad kung fu movies there are. Anythign with Godfrey Ho and Ninjas is going to be bad.

One movie that is seriously so bad it is good is Swordsman With An Umbrella. In the final fight they don't slow down the camera footage but rather have the actors going by eachother real slow with swords and try to look like they are in slow mo.

One movie that was bad but has good kung fu is Fists, Kicks, and Evils. Bruce Liang gives the absolute best and worst acting performance of all time. HIGHLY recommended.

[Li Kao]

Jethro -- I saw that "Shaw Legends" pack at the store a while back. It had a David Chiang photo on it if I remember -- at any rate, after looking at the movies it included I was disgusted as all of them are, to be kind, subpar. I love how they try to bundle up a bunch of bad movies and sell it cheap by trying to milk the Shaw Bros name. You would never consider buying any of the movies individually, but getting 10 movies for $20 seems like a bargain. From what I remember, most or all of the movies were not even actually Shaw Brothers movies, they just featured *stars* of Shaw Brothers movies. A good example of devious marketing -- and unfortunately you do get what you pay for.

[Li Kao]

Hmm, off the top of my head, I will offer up this gem, which was even ridiculous to me as a kid when I saw it...

GYMKATA!

Who can forget Kurt Thomas fending off an angry, pitchfork-wielding mob by swinging around on a pommel horse? The training scene where he walks up the stairs in a headstand? The fact there always seemed to be props like parallel bars and such "conveniently" scattered throughout the locales? I won't go into detail as I could go on and on, but this is one of those movies that is so bad it's fun to watch -- you sit there on the couch, throwing popcorn at the TV and shouting "Get outta here!" Remember the movie poster, with an illustration of Kurt, in full gymnast regalia, leaping though the air and kicking 2 ninjas, one who is weilding a kama and the other a submachine gun? And of course, the corny tagline: the skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate. (/groan)

Let's see somebody top that one!

[bustr]

anything that includes David Carradine or Chuck Norris in the cast!

I'd also add anything with Ernie Reyes Jr.

[mickey]

Greetings,

Li Kao, that one is definitely tops. Please allow me to add:

1- All Sho Kosugi movies.

2- All Chuck Norris movies.

3- All Van Damme movies except Time Cop.

4- A made for TV movie, Men Of the Dragon

5- Golden Needles

6- Fist of the Golden Monkey



mickey

[hinokata]

Shaolin Soccer. It's so bad it's almost funny.

[NJM]

The first part of Game of Death that Bruce Lee wasn't in.

[lonewolf]

Greetings,

Li Kao, that one is definitely tops. Please allow me to add:

1- All Sho Kosugi movies.

2- All Chuck Norris movies.

3- All Van Damme movies except Time Cop.

4- A made for TV movie, Men Of the Dragon

5- Golden Needles

6- Fist of the Golden Monkey



mickey

time cop sucked also. the worst i have ever seen was two jacky chan films the first was SPIRITUAL KUNG FU (ew) and SUPER TEAM STRIKE FORCE (not sure if that is the real name. it also has jimmy wang yu and the plot is so horrible i threw up twice while trying to watch it on the pure principle that i paid money for it.
as for van damme let's not forget Monaco forever

[jethro]

The Legionaire was very good. Van Damme was the worst of the actors in that but still did pretty good for himself. I think I liked it cause he didn't do a whole bunch of stupid kicks and stuff, it was just a good, well acted movie. I hated Timecop but I will always remember it for being able to see Ferris Bueller's girlfriend naked. I hate 9 out of every 10 Van Damme movies but Wake of Death was decent for a somewhat recent film. The fights blew booty in that one though.


AND DON"T FORGET NG SEE YUEN'S NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER!!!!!! Probably his only really good action sequences.

What was that one movie that had both Sho Kosugi and Van Damme in it? That was maybe the worst martial arts movie ever.

[Jimbo]

Jethro:
No Retreat No Surrender was Corey Yuen's first time as director of an American film and was Van Damme's best physical performance, though the whole movie was stupid and laughable (L.A. karate vs. Seattle karate??). I think it was still better than Van Damme's other movies, though.

BTW, Kurt McKinney and Van Damme were supposed to be in No Retreat No Surrender II: Rolling Thunder, with Hwang Jang-Lee and Matthias Hughes, but backed out of it. So Ng See-Yuen and Corey Yuen got Cynthia Rothrock instead, not as interesting as it could have been. These two movies were made by Seasonal Films, which did the original Drunken Master, Snake in the Eagles' Shadow, Secret Rivals, etc. Their American films were all pretty bad, with awful dialogue and stories, but with decent fight scenes: King of the Kickboxers with Billy Blanks; American Shaolin; Blood Brothers with Keith Vitali.

[jethro]

Have you seen Bloodmoon? Recommended if you like awesoem fight scenes and a movie that is so bad you actually do laugh about it.

The bloodmoon thing actually doesn't have anythign to do with teh movie. I think Tony Leung Siu Hung just said screw it.

Here is a quote from the movie-"Did you notice the blood on the moon tonight" the masked villian asks with his leg extended into teh air showing off his martial arts prowess.

I still have to see Superfights but I found a lot of Ng's movies at the vid store when I was growing up.

[Jimbo]

Jethro:
I haven't seen Bloodmoon but it sounds interesting!
I have not seen Superfights. Ng See-Yuen was pretty interesting himself. He (supposedly) was the one who "discovered" Bruce Lee when he returned to Hong Kong as an adult to make M.A. movies. He definitely discovered, or made successes of, Bruce Li (Ho Tsung-Tao), Bruce Liang, Hwang Jang-Lee, John Liu, Wang Tao, Jackie Chan, Conan Lee, Cynthia Rothrock, Jean-Claude Van Damme, etc.

For an example of some of the STUPID dialogue in some of Seasonal's American films, here is a line from Blood Brothers (I'm paraphrasing): You made a mistake thinking you could beat me; I'm an AMERICAN!!" Said by Keith Vitali after he dispatches a bank robber.

And in American Shaolin, about an American kid who goes to Shaolin Temple to become a martial monk, there is a musical scene where he and the other monks start singing "Shaolin Temple Blues" to the tune of "Summertime Blues".

[jethro]

The guy is a hero for me for discovering Hwang Jang Lee.

Also Jackie of course wasn't discovered by him but was made a star by him.

Also I am not positive but I think Rothrick was discovered by Sammo.

Sorry to nitpick, I am feeling down today. I think I will pop in my Shaolin Temple Blues cd

[The Xia]

But here are a few turkeys off the top of my head.

3 Ninjas (there was even a pair of Jay and Silent Bob esque henchmen in this one)
Surf Ninjas (Ernie Reyes jr. + Rob Schneider = )
Sidekicks (Chuck Norris + Jonathan Brandis = )

Then again, what do you expect when you combine martial arts and kids' movies?

[shaolinsky]

Shaolin Soccer. It's so bad it's almost funny.

That movie along with Kung Fu Hustle were he best kung fu parodies made imo!

If you want to see true baaaaad kung fu - see this at your local blockbuster or hollywoodvideo: Vampire Assassin

You will cry.