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Thread: intructor/student relationship

  1. #1

    instructor/student relationship

    So, as a teacher of many years, I have taught loads of students.

    This week, I had a student (male) refer to me as a friend. It took me by surprise a little given that he was not some one I know that well from the classes.

    So it got me thinking about the student/instructor relationship again. Something that I think about on a regular basis.

    What is your opinion of an instructor being a friend with a student? Do you have personal experience of this – good or bad? And what about the class dynamics of such a relationship?

    Any thoughts……
    Last edited by packard; 12-14-2004 at 04:28 PM.

  2. #2
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    I don't have a problem with it. A few of my instructors have been freinds, a few have been instructors only. They both have their advantages.
    _______________
    I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don't want to see you everyday.

  3. #3
    My shifu and I are friends. When we talk we speak as friends, but I know and he knows that I know he is still my shifu and I have much respect for him. I do things out of respect that I do not do for other friends. I only got Christmas presents for my family and my shifu. He doesn't give me special treatment in class if that's what you mean.
    "If you practice praying mantis, women will like you."--Shi Zheng-Zhong

  4. #4
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    Kung Fu Tze said:

    keep no friends who are not your equal.

    so all things being equal, what is equal?

    I don't see a problem in having a student or a teacher who is a close friend, the curriculum and material being learned is knowledge you are handing down or receiving that's all, it is not something that makes you better than someone else, it only makes you better than what you currently are.

    If you are incapable of regarding others in a positive manner, especially those you share with, then in my opinion, there is something else at play. I have my opinion on several ways that works, but, I'm sure everyone will figure it out for themselves...or not.
    Kung Fu is good for you.

  5. #5

    Thumbs up

    I'm friends with my sifu, and freinds with some of my juniors.
    I think it all depends on the vibe of your school. Some people are naturally very friendly and expect others to reciprocate and sometimes it happens , sometimes not. But some folks throw around the word "friend" too loosely.

  6. #6
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    I wouldn't classify my relationship with my Sifu as "Friend Like". Although we do talk about any and all kinds of subjects, laugh and cry together and I basically know more about him than most of his family as he does about me, he's still my Sifu and there is that respect. But I have been accused of "Busting his Balls" once in a while, and for some reason I seem to get away with it most of the time, but as with anything once in a while I say something I shouldn't have. I'm like that with everyone, and he understands that it is meaningless and if I didn't respect him to the fullest I wouldn't be there in the first place.

    And now since I am also a employee of his (I just started full time working at the school and getting paid for it, but I've been with Sifu for 16 +yrs now) there is also that type of relationship to deal with. Since it is his school, things will be done the way he wants it and that is a reasonable request. We (my Sihing also works fulltime also) do however suggest things that may improve this area or that, and this arrangement has been successful with the school now at its most prosperious time ever. This of course is a combination of Sifu's leadership abilities and our being there to help fullfill all the tasks required to make the school as successful it is today.

    James

  7. #7
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    I was friends with my junior Sifu before he was a sifu. We still get along well, though we have toned down most of the rowdier aspects, so I guess we are still friends. I enjoy an easy repoure with all the other sifus I know, but I would not call this friendship. I don't have a problem with it personnally, but there is a time and place when both need to be able to step back to a professional relationship. Some people can do this, some can't.

    I guess it should also be said that I don't measure friendship by how much two people agree with each other, share same intrests, or even know much personnal stuff about each other. For me it is an understanding; a meld of comfort with each other and a deep respect that has nothing to do with any one subject. Sometimes this type of understanding comes almost instantly with someone. Most of the time it develops over time, and usually sneeks up on me.
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  8. #8
    Been a while!
    And this will sound like i'm *****ing because....well I am .

    I was friends with my previous Sifu.
    But he took it as a que to start taking the Pizz.

    Turning up late or not at all.Half assed lessons.OR his favorite
    "i'm not feeling like teaching today.I have (insert medical problem here) can we do this tomorrow mate?"
    Leaving me to instruct classes whilst he went off to shop or visit friends.
    "you don't mind do you..... MATE?"
    Basically he left me to run his school whilst he reaped the benefits.
    And believe me i am NOWHERE NEAR ready to teach.The school and the students were suffering because of it.
    But i felt like ,What am i gonna do? he's my Sifu and my friend I can't leave him in the lurch
    When me and another of his senoir students voiced concerns over our training (or lack of it) And the progress of the other students (or lack of it) He told us if you don't like it there's the door.
    Thanks man! I put my life on hold , put in 14hr days going to the school straight from work not to mention the problems it caused in my relationship( she could see where this was heading.**** female intuition)
    So i took his advise for the last time and left.
    That was back in July
    Currently at another school starting from scratch and whilst im "friendly" with Sifu ,I wouldn't call him a friend .
    Mike: I dressed up as an old Isralie woman once.

    Tim: Did you?

    Mike: I didn't HAVE too.
    Spaced

  9. #9
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    kaned-

    The guy who took advantage of you was never your friend to begin with judging by the course of events that took place.


    There is no problem with being friends with someone who is teaching you something. The problems only exist in our point of view and how we create our pervasive illusion of reality.
    Kung Fu is good for you.

  10. #10
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    Playa Jobos, Puerto Rico
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    I love and respct my master. I drive him home after class and we talk about martial arts. Occassionally the conversation drifts to other areas, but the conversation is brief. Like the time he said, "Be careful if a girl doesn't want you to train."

    Luckily I don't have that problem. When I'm with my teacher I just try to keep my mouth shut and listen to what he has to say, though sometimes after class, when you're feeling good about things learned it's hard. But I try to remind myself.

    Being with my master is like being with a coach, father/grandfather, tough guy killer and priest wrapped up into one. Hard to explain, but there is a seperation. I am not on his level, and he's about the only person in the world that I would say that about.

  11. #11

    Kung lek

    Yep! flattered to deceive .
    And my wasn't sucked in.
    Ego got the best of me.

    Still,older and wiser-er.
    Mike: I dressed up as an old Isralie woman once.

    Tim: Did you?

    Mike: I didn't HAVE too.
    Spaced

  12. #12
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    Friendship is like respect, it must be earned.

    If someone likes the cut of your jib, it is likely they will gravitate towards you and just as likely they will extend the laurel of friendship.

    You can both respect the discipline you are pursuing and that will be what drives the pursuit.

    Yes, if you are learning something from someone else then it is clear that they are the expert and you should listen to them if you seek to achieve what you see they have through the path of the shared discipline.

    all too often we put the possessors of knowledge and skill on a pedastal and minimize ourselves in so doing. This does not decrease the value of the instruction, but in my opinion, if both parties give significant buy in to the above/below model, then progress can still be made, but in my opinion it is impeded to some degree.
    Kung Fu is good for you.

  13. #13
    Join Date
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    You have to understand, I am learning what I consider to be a high-level of martial arts from a Chinese man in his 60s who has sought out and paid a fortune to bring some of the top people over from China.

    I'm a poor white boy. When I have the opportunity to spend private time with my master, rapping about Brittney Spears is the last thing on my mind. But my master is really something else. The things he comes out with cracks me up. From girls to fights to politics to art, all types of stuff. He's a really funny man.

    He's also very humble and carries himself as one of the guys, but I can sense his disapointment when students take this for granted .... or maybe it's my own disapointment in them that I sense.

    Here is a 64 year old man who still fights. Not demonstrates, not shows you what he WOULD do. This man, at about 150-165, will fight you and beat you to shear fright. Or at least me.

    There is no doubt this man is on a peddlestill in my eyes. I make no bones about it, this man is my hero and exactly what I've been looking for my entire life. Our relationship is much more valuable to me than friendship ... and I hold friendship in high regards.

  14. #14
    Originally posted by kwaichang kaned
    Been a while!
    And this will sound like i'm *****ing because....well I am .

    I was friends with my previous Sifu.
    But he took it as a que to start taking the Pizz.

    Turning up late or not at all.Half assed lessons.OR his favorite
    "i'm not feeling like teaching today.I have (insert medical problem here) can we do this tomorrow mate?"
    Leaving me to instruct classes whilst he went off to shop or visit friends.
    "you don't mind do you..... MATE?"
    Basically he left me to run his school whilst he reaped the benefits.
    And believe me i am NOWHERE NEAR ready to teach.The school and the students were suffering because of it.
    But i felt like ,What am i gonna do? he's my Sifu and my friend I can't leave him in the lurch
    When me and another of his senoir students voiced concerns over our training (or lack of it) And the progress of the other students (or lack of it) He told us if you don't like it there's the door.
    Thanks man! I put my life on hold , put in 14hr days going to the school straight from work not to mention the problems it caused in my relationship( she could see where this was heading.**** female intuition)
    So i took his advise for the last time and left.
    That was back in July
    Currently at another school starting from scratch and whilst im "friendly" with Sifu ,I wouldn't call him a friend .
    KK, I had a very similar experience a few years back...

    My advice is to be friendly with your sifu, but cautiously so. They are above all, your teacher. There are boundaries there that need to be maintained. Without them, you open the door to as many difficulties as you do possibilities so be careful. Better to be good friends with your training partners and classmates.

  15. #15
    Originally posted by SiuHung
    KK, I had a very similar experience a few years back...

    My advice is to be friendly with your sifu, but cautiously so. They are above all, your teacher. There are boundaries there that need to be maintained. Without them, you open the door to as many difficulties as you do possibilities so be careful. Better to be good friends with your training partners and classmates.
    That's pretty much how conduct myself now.Say hello when I enter .Enquire politely about his health and his family then shut up and train.

    I was also fortunate to make some very good friends who i am still in contact with.Infact a couple of them moved schools with me.
    Mike: I dressed up as an old Isralie woman once.

    Tim: Did you?

    Mike: I didn't HAVE too.
    Spaced

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