OT: Friday joke

[mickey]

Not True!! Not True!!!

No children were involved.


People are starting to dig my jokes. Maybe I should follow Sifu Ross' idea and write a book.

mickey

[YuanZhideDiZhen]

Not True!! Not True!!!

No children were involved.


People are starting to dig my jokes. Maybe I should follow Sifu Ross' idea and write a book.

mickey

don't mistake me, the singular deep fried qi, for a 'people'. although, my seven kids might follow my example and have big families, too. in three generations we could be a town. is that enough for a people? YOU could be our travelling newsman and entertainer

[ewallace]

I know it's Wednesday, but sometimes we need some laughs in the middle of the week.

A man had been stranded on an Island for 10 years. One day he is laying on the beach and sees a yellow spec in the water. The spec comes closer and closer and eventually the man realizes what seemed to be a spec turns out to be a beautiful blonde in a wetsuit. As she walks ashore she says to the man, "wow, how long have you been out here?" the man replies "for 10 years". The woman then says, "so how long has it been since you had a drink?" The man replies "10 years". The women zips down the left side of her wet suit and pulls out a flask of whiskey and hands it to the man. He slams the whiskey in delight and thanks the woman. Then the woman asks "How long has it been since you had a smoke?" Starting to get frustrated, the man grumbles "10 years lady'. The lady then unzips the right side of her wetsuit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and hands one to the man and lights him up. He inhales with delight. Then, as seductively as possible, the woman starts to slowly unzip her wetsuit from the neck down and says, "so how long has it been since you played a round?" The man replies "lady, if you have a set of golf clubs in your wetsuit I'm going to shit all over myself.




Not sure where I got that from but it ain't an original.

[Ming Yue]

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I can tell you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers each have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."













badum chhh.

[Ming Yue]

Genius.
there's even a judo hobo cameo.




http://media.putfile.com/ultimateshowdown#start

[GreenCloudCLF]

I know it's Saturday...but...

How to you keep a moron busy?
(scroll down for answer)










































































































How do you keep a moron busy?
(Scroll up for answer.)

[Jules]

I hate to admit this, but my favorite joke goes like this:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?



















Fish.



~~J

[quiet man]

(I apologize for the poor translation)

A female journalist is interviewing a 100 year-old man:
"You are the oldest living man in this village, surely you have so many stories to tell. What's your fondest memory?"
"Well, I remember this one time when my prettiest sheep got lost, we all went looking for it, and when we found it, we were so happy we all **** her."
The journalist interrupts him: "No, no, I didn't mean it like that, I meant something... spiritual."
"Well, I remember when my prettiest cow got lost, and..."
The journalist sighs and tries one more time: "Forget it. Can you tell me your saddest memory then?"
And the old man replies with a sad look on his face:
"There was this one time when I got lost..."

[GreenCloudCLF]

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or
> any sex for over 5 years.
>
> She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she Decided
> to
> seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
> Dr.Chang.
>
> Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
> your
> crose." The woman did as she was told.
>
> Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room! "
>
> Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
>
> Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
>
> As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
> You
> haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex
> or
> dates."
>
> The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
> Disease?"
>
> Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
> face
> look Ed Zachary like your ass.

[BM2]

[QUOTE=David Jamieson]Tell this one like it really happened to you, cause it's more funny that way.


Tell this one while you are reading a newspaper and someone is in earshot, because....it's more funny that way



I certainly hope so as I feel I just lost some I.Q. points reading them which I can ill afford to lose.

[Ou Ji]

A 75 year old man went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The
Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a
semen sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well,
doc, it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried
too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour!!??"

The old man replied:
























"Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our
arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

[mickey]

The 2006 Winter Olympics:


























































Did it Kill Bruce Lee?



Another mickey original.

[Becca]

The blond is wandering around Wal-Mart when she spies something tall and shiney. She askes the clerk, "what is that thing?"

"It's a themos."
"What is it for, " the blond askes.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow! I have got to get that!"

So she buys it, and takes it to wirk the next day. Her boss sees it on her desk and askes her, "What's that you've got?"

"It's mt new thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold! But I don't like it much," she replies.

"Why not," he askes.

"Well, I had two pop sickles and some coffee in it, but someone at the pop sickles and left the sticks floating in the coffee, and now it tastes weird."

[Jingwu Man]

A man was walking down the street when he saw a diner and a sign in the window saying:

Cheese sandwich 1.50
Ham sandwich 2.50
Handjob 10.00

so the man walks in and takes a seat at the counter. A gorgeous red headed woman walks up, smiling provocatively, and says " What'll it be, handsome?"
The man smiles back, then says in an alluring voice " say, are you the one that gives the handjobs?" The girl chuckles, than purrs back "yes, I sure am"
The man nods, then says " Well, then wash your f***ing hands and make me a cheese sandwich"

[mickey]

Greetings,


An old monk and his top student were discussing levels of accomplishment when it came to the spiritual practices in the martial way......


Student: Master, I have not made much progress in the past five years. What am I doing wrong?


Monk: My dear student, you consistently fail to see the internconnectedness between the knowledge of the absolute and the knowledge of the apparent. When you merge the two the truth emerges.


Student: Master, I do not understand.


Master: Listen, dear student. I will help you.. (Pauses) What has six legs, is hairy and has very bad gambling and loan shark debts.


(The student thought for a good while)

Student: Master, I do not know.

Master: Try


(After trying again)


Student: Master, I tried my best. I do not know.


Master: Ahhh!! A Tarantula!!!


Student: But Master.....tarantulas have eight legs.


(The master got up and walked over to his student and slapped him across his face and said..)



Master: I TOLD YOU!!!! He has VERY BAD gambling and loan shark debts!!!!




A mickey original