OT: Friday joke

[FuXnDajenariht]

lmao....whaaaat?

thats very zen indeed.


good old mickey ressurrecting the fri. joke thread. i almost forgot about this.

[Becca]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY.

DAY 180
0800am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
0930am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
0940am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
1030am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
1200pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1300pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1600pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1700pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
1730pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction of ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today I attempted to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking and almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust these vile oppressors, I made myself vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 766
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed about what a good cat I was. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time it included a burning chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could smell the foul odor what they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his confinement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

[FuXnDajenariht]

lmao by far the best one so far.

im still on the fence about whether i like cats or gods better though.

[David Jamieson]

lmao by far the best one so far.

im still on the fence about whether i like cats or gods better though.

you might wanna pick "gods" in those categories. What with all the wrath and floods and such.

[FuXnDajenariht]

lmao oopsies. yea. well if i really had ta choose between those 2 it'd prolly be cats.

dont tell my grandmother.

[Shaolin Wookie]

This joke can flop...but its sure to get a laugh if it works.

Alright...a kid is out catching bugs, and he catches three flies, two females and a male. The kid takes them home and sets them on the shelf. The female flies get bored and hungry, and start looking for a way out. the male fly just chills out, all calm. So the first female goes to the male fly: "How could you be so calm?!! We're gonna die in here!!" The dude replies: "No we won't. I know the way out."

The first female asks: "Okay, hotshot, how do we get out?"
He says: "Suck my ****, and I'll tell you."
She doesn't see any way around it, so she goes down on him.
When she's finished he says: "Alright, what you have to do is fly around this jar three times and then fly straight up."
Well, she flies around three times, flies straight up, hits the lid, kills herself, and then falls to the bottom of the jar.

The second female sees this and asks: "What was she doing? Why did she kill herself."
The male says: "I told her how to get out of hte jar....but she didn't follow my directions correctly."
The second female is interested and excited. She asks:" You know how to get out of this prison? Pleeease tell me how!!!"
He says: "Suck my **** and I'll tell you."
She agrees and does the deed.
When they're finished he says: "Alright, what you have to do is fly around this jar three times and then fly straight up."
Well, she flies around three times, flies straight up, hits the lid, kills herself, and then falls to the bottom of the jar.

Well, since both the females were dead and they both sucked his ****, the male fly is content, flies around the jar three times, flies straight up and exits the jar, just like he said he would.

[Shaolin Wookie]

Now, you have to wait for someone to get confused as to why this is funny, and how the male fly got out of the jar....but you have to pretend that you've told the entire joke, and start chuckling.

[Shaolin Wookie]

After a minute, the person should be like: "Wait, so how did the male fly get out of the jar?"

[Shaolin Wookie]

To which you reply: "Suck my **** and I'll tell you."

[laugarkuen]

lmao

Two fish in a tank

one says to the other






















how do you drive this thing?

[Becca]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't…
As Ben Franklin said:
”In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.”

In a number of carefully controlled trials…
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor),
because alcohol has to go through a purification
Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

[uki]

what do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopus?

































i dunno, but you should see that thing pick strawberries!

... no mexicans were offended with this joke as i heard a mexican tell it...

[Becca]

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that "Harley" guy in the waiting room?

The woman stammers, Why, Yes, but how did you know?

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

[uki]

lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lucas]

lol ya thats a good one