Sometimes i would like to kick the skid marks out of people but............

[Chief Fox]

wow chief ... that was some personal sh it you just let go on an internet forum.

and i must thank you ... it's honestly nice to hear that im not the only one. suzi was/is the same way. although it's funny because as i've gotten better about it she sometimes feels the need to press my buttons further. just because she can. sometimes i feel like i was better off before, but then i try to remember she's just no longer afraid to be a woman (ie stupid bi tch).

but seriously it's awesome to hear im not the only one trudging on through this with a family. it makes me feel like less of a bad person. i mean im still plenty terrible for a host of other reasons, but its always really bothered me that i couldnt controll my temper around my family. adora made it better, but it was still pretty bad.

we just recently we got a really really old roll of film developed (like 5 or 6 years) and there was a picture in there of when i trashed an entire set of kitchen chairs and the table. the pics made it look like a ****ing warzone. my heart dropped about 3 feet (im not very tall) when i saw it. i never even knew the pic was taken. i couldnt believe i used to be like that .... i mean i must have spent a good 10 minutes or close to it doing that ... was ****ing ridiculous. but it also reminded me, and suzi, of how far i have come since then.

Yeah, this is really personal stuff but it helps to talk / write about it. It also helps to know that there are others dealing with it. Makes me feel like not so much of an idiot.

I remember seeing my dad smash furniture. When I was in high school he and I got into it one time. He was laying down the law about something and pushed me into our dining room table. Well I landed on the table and it totally colapsed under me. I got up and said look what you did and he came at me with his fists up. What he didn't realize is that I was bigger now and not so easy to push around anymore. I grabbed both of his wrists and pulled him close to me. He tried to pull away but couldn't. I got right in his face. With my teeth clenched, looking right in his eyes I said "You're never going to hit me again". I then pushed him away.

I'll always remember this as a defining moment in my life. The moment where I decided that I wasn't going to be like my father.

It has taken me a long time to get where I am and I'm still working on it. Probably always will be in one way or another.

[Sifu Darkfist]

a friend of mine was nicknamed skid his first name was mark and ironically his mother used to hang his oversized tighty whitteys out and they had long skids as if he slide into home plate. we used to make the screeching sound of tires with our mouths as he approached. God forgive us we were little devils (although he was ten times bigger than me and one of the reasons i started gung fu when i was really young) After a certain age when my skill and strength was that of a human boy, and i was able to win fights i joined in on the endless skid sounds and relentless nick name calling. I guess every preme wimp child such as myself wishes for that day. Instead of wishing i made it happen lol

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

funny how things shoot back to childhood.

i never even bring this up as i figure people will assume im trying to lay the blame elsewhere, but since were talkin here i started breaking things as the only way to get back at my crazy mother. i dont mean like she rants and raves sometimes, i mean like she used to be convinced that she talked to elvis and coresponded with hillary clinton by mail. now if she was just so out of it she didnt know what she was doing you'd feel sorry for her, but no ... she was a malicious cu nt.

at around 7 or 8 years old i found out that i could get to her by breaking something in the house or kicking a hole in the wall.

18 years later and old habbits die hard. i take 100% credit for my actions today and don't blame my childhood just as i dont blame my childhood for smoking, but thats definatley where both started. and if i can quit smoking i can quit breaking **** (out of anger ... ill never stop breaking sh it for fun).

[Mel]

After what you wrote about your mother, GDA, NOW your posts make more sense to me. (Couldn't help but notice a little bit of female angst in some of them, lol!) And as for the picture of the broken furniture....well, THAT my friend, is called evidence. And you would be wise to keep that in mind. Ask me how I know.

Chief Fox, I admire the way you've taken control of things.

[Chief Fox]

Chief Fox, I admire the way you've taken control of things.

Thanks, but dont' get me wrong. I'm a total A$$HOLE most times.

Work in progress.

[wdl]

Master Yoda's perspective:

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to suffering."

So basically, everytime you get all angered up, and full of hate it's just because your a wuss. Suffering is right around the corner.

-Will

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

And as for the picture of the broken furniture....well, THAT my friend, is called evidence. And you would be wise to keep that in mind. Ask me how I know.

speaking of female angst ...... the only reason those pics still exist is the fact that it could be proven they were taken 5 or more years ago, the well known fact i had a drinking problem at the time, and the fact that it could be proven that i have had absolutely 0 history of physical abuse (and the fact that adora is now old enough to back that up). i actually went through child custody hearings for seven years and "evidence" is the absolute first thing that came to mind when i saw them.

i then decided **** it .... i dont think it would ever come down to something like that but if it did a half assed lawyer would have them dismissed as no longer a valid reflection of my personality. i had some problems and i have overcame them and im a stronger person for it. i also tend to make a good impression on pschologists .... i've had practice as my mother would switch me every time they started realized she was crazy. at least two of my "big brothers" actually broke down and screamed in her face that she was a ****ing lunitic ... she has that effect on people.

fu ck listen to me .... ramblin on like a little bi tch.

i'm gonna go do something manly .... eat some beef jerky or somethin.

[couch]

anger leads to hate and hate leads to the dark side and the dark side leads to doobies and doobies lead to twinkies.

If you don't want to gain weight, don't be angry.

moral of teh story? My dog eats meat.

http://boards.cannabis.com/attachmen...achmentid=1168

[IronFist]

Think first, act second.

[viper]

Yeah chief fox my dad used to beat me everyday to just because he was angry and he dislocated my arm twice he beat my mum too. but i used to be angry and **** and thought id be the same. Im budddist and i try to abide by the teachings somtimes some guys are just jerks. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 31/2 years shes saying she not sure bout her felling for me. Now im not a angry person anymore i used to be i decided i needen to change because i used to get into fights because of petty **** now what i do is imagine in my mind a piece of paper with whats happening to me written on it and i look at it and say well it isnt that bad and i seem to feel better. And to all you macho jerks talking is good it stops the build up and stuff so jamm it ive learnt o talk about to someone to a point but some peps do need a beat down lik that guy was sayin bout a guy nearly hit him an his misses on there motobike so he went over an beat the guy down deseverd beatin.

[Wong Fei Hong]

Something i think that causes my anger to build up also, now that viper talked about being buddhist, is for years i believe you shouldnt hurt anyone, and be compassionate. Thing is i think this stilfles my anger because i tihik i am hurting their feelings, also stems from what i said before about hurting that kid when i was young.
But he deserved it ****** !

BUT something i realised a few days ago is that compassion isnt the act of being nice to someone, its the act of relieveing their suffering.
So in a way if i had a million pounds and kept on giving to people because they wanted something , thats being nice , i would be jacking myself.
Whereas giving food to someone who would die of hunger, thats being compassionate.

Same thing with this , i let someone walk over me or i wouldnt want to hurt someone in sparring, even though they are trying to take my head off, im not being compassionate im being downright ****ing stupid.

[GunnedDownAtrocity]

from 365 tao:

Compassion and humility may be among the most treasured of human virtues, but they are not useful in conflict. A beautiful gold statue of you most adored god is a treasure, but you would not use it as a weapon. Virtue is to be valued in the proper context; only a sword will do in battle.

[Wong Fei Hong]

Could i please ****ing hit my head against the wall, i think i am going to get that tatooed on my hand or my ***** so either way i get to look at it all day long
You know what i ****ing hate , you hear something and you think **** that makes sense, and for 10 years you try and abide by it until its so ingrained in your head that it ****s with your nature.
Then some other famous dude decides to write a quote that makes more sense and finally after 10 years makes me feel better . Why the hell do we read crap that people write as doctrine, and let it **** with our heads only to then find another doctrine that suits us better.
Man gda ...... no comment dude

[Darwin]

Fa_gs.

[viper]

Yeah i know wat you mean somtimes you think you should live your life bein nice and doin what people say. Somtimes people need to be shown the error of there ways most of the time they dont like it but in time they understand. I think more about how i let my anger out if Im sparring somone and they try to take me apart I generally just do somthing to them thats not to violent but lets them know that im not gonna back down. Trying to find balance in life is a hard thing to do especially when so many people care for themselves only. Thats what burns me material people but if a earth quake occurs its gone but ur family hopfully are still there to support you. People focus on what they could have instead of what theyve got. I understand how jerks can get you pi$$ed off just little things set me off somtimes lik a smurk things like that but I learnt to stop and think before just tearin them a new one. Darwin you are a scared little boy if were ***s you forget 1 thing lots of people like ***s im not one but I except them maybe you should come into the real world meathead. Guys like you make me mad unfeeling uncaring jerks thinkin always about how they look and if there cool instead of just bein who they are are you gay darwin maybe youve got some questions to ask yourself.