Well, I made it this far - (New Blog Chapter)

[Pork Chop]

Yeah, I was thinking no more than twice a week.
I kinda wanna start joggin again too.
I'll get through this. hehe
[EDIT: Trying not to go crazy.
Thanks, by the way. ]

[SevenStar]

I dunno man, I'm gonna go against the other guys on this one - keep it up. As a parent of two, I can say from experience that you will still have time for them.
He11, my 7 year old trains too, so that gives us something to do together.

You're definitely not too old - aren't we about the same age? But we may have different goals in that area. I'm not done fighting - not yet. that's something else the kids and I can share together. How cool will it be to be training them for their first fights?

I would keep up with the road work and set a goal for dropping the weight. Once you are at your goal weight, then come back to the fight training.

[Pork Chop]

Sevenstar

thanx bro. I went jogging tonite. By the time i made my normal loop I was still feeling strong and still way too mentally screwed up to stop so I ran a second loop; totaling about an hour of running. It was one of those situations where I suddenly thought of something that put a whole new dimension on the subject. I mean, I quit my job for this woman. Yeah, I managed to land something better in a better place; but I don't see how I could deserve to be treated like this. I wonder how long it's going to take for her to wake up. I wonder if she ever wakes up. Trying to stay strong; but I don't think I've ever hurt like this... I feel like I've died already but my body just hasn't caught the hint yet.

[SevenStar]

I know thall of this sounds extremely cliche, but...

sometimes you have to love a person enough to let them go. Time heals all wounds, so you will eventually move past her and be fine with the decision.

[Pork Chop]

sevenstar

i think you're right, focusing on the roadwork might be best for me right now. gives me a chance to think about stuff. sunday night was just the roughest nite yet. it might be the roughest night of the experience, as you're right- time does heal all wounds.

I think i've lost at least 10, maybe 20 pounds so far. I've all but stopped eating. Just not hungry & feeling way too vulnerable.

[Pork Chop]

I feel a lot better after getting some sleep.
Only got 4 hours last night and not too much sleep over the weekend.
I've decided I'm not chasing after her anymore.
See up till now i'd been tryin to write her emails everyday.
I thought there was something i had to do to prove my love to her.
Ball's in her court now.
I'll be here if she ever wants to come back, but i'm not going to hold my breath.
She's gonna have to show me she really wants it before I open myself up to be hurt again.
For all my faults, I think i'm a pretty good guy, that I worked very hard at this relationship (almost too hard), and that I really deserve to be treated better.

Confusing thing is how little she tells me and how when we're together on dates, like really together, we're great- it's the other hours of the day that she kinda drifted away. I fought long and hard, I'm proud of myself for staying when others would go. I woulda made a good husband, but there's no shame in moving on to find someone who's really in it for me.

went to the bookstore tonite, walked around for about an hour.
Started humming this song in my head, wanna get it down before i forget it:

"[chorus]I'm not chasing after you no more
said I'm not chasing after you no more

I'm losing too much of myself
For you to go and find somebody else
no I'm not chasing after you no more

You shoulda thought before you said "yes"
Bout what it means to be wed
said I'm not chasing after you no more

[chorus]

How come I was the one who begged?
You weren't there when I needed help
no I'm not chasing after you no more

When we're together you're the best
When we're not you're a mess
said I'm not chasin after you no more

[chorus]"


Kinda on the fence about jogging tonite. I want to but I don't. I just went last night and I don't wanna get too run down- as the more tired I am the worse I tend to deal with stress.

Still not eating a whole lot.

[Pork Chop]

Okay i know she's safe now. That's good enough for me.

Got 3 emails from her yesterday, she seemed a bit hurt by the one where I said i felt it was her turn to prove her love to me and that I wasn't going to chase after her if she didn't want to be caught.

Tried to clear up what I meant; that I thought she was not writing me back on purpose while I was giving too much of myself away, and it just became a bigger and bigger clusterf*ck.

In the end I just told her I'm not going to write her anymore, so i don't make the situation worse.

I think I'm finally ready to walk away. This situation's not going to get any better anytime soon. There's nothing I can do to fix it. I'm at her mercy and she's gonna do what she wants to do. No sense in hinging my life on someone so unstable.
Gonna get out and meet new people. If she comes back i may drop what i'm doing but i'm not gonna center my life around it.

Dropped by the kickboxing gym to buy outta my contract. Coach was real cool with me, talking with me and keeping me from going nuts, tellin me he's gonna try to get me in the gym a little bit, and that he's gonna drag me out of the house (like for dinner). I ended up deciding to stick around longer and not buying out. Gonna go back slowly. Just a class or two here and there.

Going back to the boxing gym sometime soon too.

Ultimately I've been having serious issues with this relationship for a while. i did everything in my power to fix it but some things get permanently broken even if nobody actively breaks them. I also can't be the only one taking it upon himself to make things better. I think i'm gonna find a chick who's supportive of me & what I do, a chick that loves me for me, and a chick that knows how to calm me down when i lose my cool- not one who threatens to run away every time. I just hope they're all the same chick.

Gonna get back exercising regularly soon as possible. Still need to take it real slow. Still need to find my motivation again. Still need to spend time figuring out what else I like to do (aside from strip clubs & bars).

Eventhough I spend a lot of time at the gym, I deserve someone who's gonna be supportive of my hobby. I can tone it back if someone wants me to spend more time at home with the family; but I don't think the 2 are mutually exclusive.
I think my girl and i woulda had problems even if i was home all the time. I'm a little worried about letting the house go to crud if I give too much of myself at the gym, but as long as I use a To-Do list and keep my weekends productive, I should be fine.

I shouldn't have to skip out on doing what I like entirely in order to keep a relationship going. I shouldn't have to be on pins n needles everytime i open my mouth either. I deserve someone who's going to take an interest in what i like doing or at least respect it enough to come watch when i go to an event. I also think if she's spending all her time playing video games, she should at least care about me enough to want to get me involved. That probably doesn't matter much though as most girls don't do video games. hehe

Until the next mood swing, I think i'm going to be okay. hehe Nah I think I've just finally seen how I can walk away from this thing without being a quitter, a bad guy, or someone who wasn't really in love with her. I think I've had enough of the pain & sorrow for someone that just hasn't seemed like they've wanted to try to work things out since getting engaged.

All right world, get ready for the new heavyweight champion of the world; of course that could be in underwater basketweaving, but hey.

I'll check back in as my workouts pick up.

[Pork Chop]

Still on a bit of a roller coaster.

Had a pretty good weekend, with lots of walking - LOTS of walking.
I've been walking about 3 or 4 hours a day for the past week- my knee and upper back are pretty sore from it (well the back may be from sitting long hours with poor posture).
I also haven't been eating much; i get full on less than half the food that I'm used to. I still probably gained weight coz my body's useless like that, but o well.

My mom took me on a huge shopping spree this past weekend when she was in town. She got me a new ipod, which gives me a nice distraction to sink some time into- a good running partner too. Got a couple pairs of shoes and some self help type books.

Had a lil bit of a back and forth weekend emotionally.
I'm still going through the healing/grieving process.
This situation's been hard coz she "left to figure things out", she didn't leave with no hope of coming back, so I've been keeping myself in this loop of suffering- not able to go through the normal process of healing myself up from a breakup. I understand now that she's probably not coming back, that this IS a breakup, and that I've gotta move on.
I've hit (and hopefully passed) the anger phase.

I hope I'm past the anger phase because I have a bad temper and I don't like giving myself over to it- coz it'll try to take over.
Basically I'm at the point that she really isn't worth my time & effort; though I'm still confused how her brain made the choices she's made lately.

Her indecisiveness is telling me a lot actually.
Anybody who's been caught cheating would know that if you still cared for the other person you'd do whatever was in your power to make it up to them in such a situation; not taking off for parts unknown and just saying "be patient, don't get all suspicous on me".

I have enough clarity to see that this was a very unhealthy relationship for a while, possibly since the beginning - my friends have heard me complain for quite some time and were probably even suprised by the engagement in the first place.

I definitely deserve to be treated better and I still don't think I deserve what's gone (going) down, regardless of what kind of jerk i've been (on certain days), what misunderstandings we've had, or how her feelings got hurt. Relationships rarely get better by time off, they get better by working things out. Regardless of my own issues, I've always tried to work things out.

I'm pretty certain that I'm not going to be able to take her back with open arms if she ever comes back. I've gotta put that thought outta my head if I want to move forward and get back to something resembling "normal". I think she's been pretty wreckless with my heart and has really hurt me very deeply- i'm not liable to forget that.

When I left for a month, I was a lot more conscientious of her feelings than she's been for me. i called her almost everyday, she generally knew where I was at most of the time, i never said anything about "don't get your hopes up", or "i want to make sure I'm not making a mistake i'll regret the rest of my life".

I really don't need to be suffering for someone who treats me like this anymore.

I'm just frustrated that we still have unresolved issues and that her ghost is gonna haunt me for a bit, possibly preventing me from being with someone much better for a while: not that I'm looking to rush into anything but I don't want her to have that power over me.

I'm frustrated that I knew this relationship was having problems for a long time and was still shocked when something went bad (she timed it right after i cleared up a lot of my own issues).

I've been struggling with finding new things to do.
I've spent way too much money, as happens when you're main extracirricular activity is shopping.

If anybody's got any advice for stuff to go do, I'd appreciate it. So far I'm thinking: dance class, bowling, billiards (if someone comes with me), swimming pool (probly on the weekend), gym, jogging, bookstore, mall, coffeeshops, comic shop, game store, asian stores, and specialty grocery stores (Central Market).

I may go see some movies soon. That was "our" thing and I didn't want to do it without her, but it's also one of the only hobbies I've kept up over the past couple years, outside of the gym.

I've been playing some video games too- but after an hour or 2 I have to get up to do something, can't lose myself in it like the old days.

My mom is forcing me to do something with the singles group at my church, which should be fun (and cheap). I'm going to make a serious attempt to talk to any cute girls I see (within reason). My friend from Houston's coming up in a week or two to visit, she's planning on moving up here (around Dallas) in November- it'll be nice to have someone like that around.

Work's been picking up a lil so i don't have quite as much time to just sit and stew over stuff.

I've decided to start doing my workouts in the morning. It's too hot here to work out in the afternoon and these gyms all close early. I'm gonna try to hit the gym or go jogging in the early am, while it's still a lil cool. Should be a lot of people at the jogging trail near my apartment. Jogging before bed's been a little problematic as far as being able to sleep and being able to wake up in the morning.

I'm waiting to start having passion about something again.
Time is definitely the best medicine- just dont' want to waste more of it than i have to.

[Pork Chop]

Went jogging this morning. it was fun, a little harder to do than last time. Got a little bit of cramping in my upper and lower back. My upper back's still giving me problems, think it's from how i sit all day at work.

Otherwise, I feel pretty decent.
This week should be a little like christmas- a lot of the stuff I ordered last week should be coming in the mail.
Last night my dvd drive craapped out on my laptop and I'm getting a new one in the mail by wednesday.

not sure what I want to do tonite to keep myself occupied.
I'm thinking of hitting the kickboxing gym wednesday or thursday to break up the week.
Tonite maybe book store and/or thai store for a little bit so i can come home with enough energy to finish my housework.

Still not eating a whole lot. Yesterday was a bowl of chicken jumbalaya for lunch and some lasagna for dinner.

[SevenStar]

I've decided I'm not chasing after her anymore.
See up till now i'd been tryin to write her emails everyday.
I thought there was something i had to do to prove my love to her.
Ball's in her court now.

I think this is what gets guys most in relationships... When something goes wrong, we try to fix things, as if it's all our fault. We try to prove that we really love her, regardless of whether or not they are doing the same. The nasty bottom line there is that despite all of your trying, she will not come back unless she wants to, and we can't always influence that decision - heck, in a lot of cases, all of the extra attempts at trying actually pushes them further away. Like you said, the ball is in her court now.

[Pork Chop]

I think this is what gets guys most in relationships... When something goes wrong, we try to fix things, as if it's all our fault. We try to prove that we really love her, regardless of whether or not they are doing the same. The nasty bottom line there is that despite all of your trying, she will not come back unless she wants to, and we can't always influence that decision - heck, in a lot of cases, all of the extra attempts at trying actually pushes them further away. Like you said, the ball is in her court now.

exactly.

i just kinda need to get over her in order to heal up from everything going on.
if i keep myself from healing up i'm going to become a complete basket case (well, STAY a complete basket case at least).

[Pork Chop]

Wow
I found out the truth of how deep the lies went and that they were still ongoing right up until i said "let's end it".
Can't say how but daayumn.
I can't feel bad or angry over a person with THAT many issues.
I just feel sorry for them.
In other news this is one of the happiest moments of my life.
Guilt has been lifted from my shoulders and I've had a huge religious experience to boot.
I ain't gonna go all evangelical but I can now, honestly say that I'm a fervent Catholic (and how many of THOSE do you meet? hehehe).

Needless to say no more bad feelings on my end of things.
Next week i go about the inenviable task of rebuilding my body and repairing all the damage i've done.

Starting slowly with workouts at the gym.
My new philosophy is that it should make me sweat, make me breathe hard, and be of decent duration- but If I'm feeling any serious pain the next day, time to tone it back.
May not be the greatest philosophy- my gains may be slow to nonexistant, but they should be consistant.

I swear this is the most positive i've been in a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ong time. It's amazing how such an epiphany can make you wake up to the fact that an unhealthy relationship's been killing you. No more shouldering the guilt for 2 people, which I've done for years - not just the past few weeks.
I can't wait to go out and have some fun.
My outlook on life is awesome, which is a rarity for me.

Thanks to all who helped me.
Going to be contacting individuals as i can, lots of people have helped me through this. I'm sorry to have wasted your time on such a meaningless individual, but i do feel that i'm a better guy for having tried that hard.

[Pork Chop]

Gotta love uncontrollable mood swings.

Anyway, i went jogging on Sunday - been jogging about every other day.

Today (Monday) I got my anger back, which is good coz lately I haven't known what I really like- what I'd like to do, what I want to be, future dreams, any of that. Every hobby I used to love seemed so senseless.

I went to the gym after work, soon as I could.
Workout was like 6 rounds but it was 100 degree heat.
Those rounds were friggin intense too.
I kept picturing the video game and the other guy that caused all this mess; and beat them repeatedly.

Felt good afterwards, tried to get some sleep and my body won't relax.
See, I haven't been able to sleep more than like 6 hours lately.
The smell of food makes me nauseous.
In the last 3 days I've had 3 hashbrowns and a chilli's triple play, almost all of that on saturday.
I've lost 20 pounds.

I wish I could relax.
I hate wasting this much energy on someone so worthless.
It's a physical thing and kinda outta my hands.

Going to set up an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, had my preliminary interview tonite. Hopefully they can give me something to keep me from falling out.

[Pork Chop]

August 15th was the best day yet.
Woke up feeling a lil ticked and betrayed but by the afternoon i kinda snapped out of it.

An interesting thing came in my mind: she was only around 4 nights a week, max. She usually wasn't around much on the weekends. A HUGE part of my life didn't really include her. I don't have to worry so much about things that were "our's" anymore, I'd been pretty self-sufficient for a long time. She'd done a good job of making me ashamed of my hobbies before she left and I don't have to worry about that anymore. I've been able to go back to what I enjoy.

In the evening I hit up church and then went downtown.
I finally started eating again- had a decent-sized plate of sushi.
Made my stomach hurt a lil coz i hadn't really eaten anything in a while, but it wasn't the normal 100 bux I would blow in a place like that.

I was suprised at how exciting it was to go downtown.
I remember when I first moved up here having a similar sense of wonder, but I think having to take care of the dog earlier than expected kinda killed that; then when my ex moved down & acted like she was already out of the relationship it got even worse. After a little while it just seemed a bleak place to go and indulge in a lifestyle i felt guilty about (ie going to clubs/bars, maybe having a beer or a smoke or two)- wouldn't let myself talk to anybody and was somewhat ambivalent to other people out there.

I look back and see how unhappy I've been for so long and it's kinda sad.
I was downright depressed on my birthday- at that time I was so lonely for attention in that house that I was going to strip clubs on the regular and considering escorts. Yeah I know that makes me a bad guy, but I was being neglected (and cheated on it turns out) so I don't feel too bad about it.
I'm glad I no longer have to bear the weight of "why isn't this relationship working?"- that's been taken out of my hands.

It's strange to say on the tail end of such a messy break up, but I really do feel happier now. I have an easier time waking up. Working out doesn't feel like such a chore. My job doesn't seem like such a boring place to go. The few friends I have here no longer feel like pale imitations of old friends. Stuff to do downtown no longer seems lame or something I'm guilty of. Strangely enough, without the pressure on me to give up drinking, i drink less- same with smoking. I don't feel the urge to gorge on food or to use food to make me feel better. With the lack of sleep and limited diet, I'm suprised that my body's a whole lot less achey than before.

Starting to think that she was a lead weight that i wore around my neck for a long time. A penance for underlying feelings of guilt and self-dislike. Too afraid of loneliness and being the "bad guy" to let it go long after I knew it wasn't good for me.

I wonder if our relationship may have been an underlying cause of the inexplicable weight I packed on & managed to keep on even when exercising a lot. I've lost a good 20lbs since she left (yeah, partly due to not eating, but even on good days I don't feel like gorging anymore).

I feel a lot less self destructive now than whenever we were together.

I got a good night's sleep again last night. 7 hours maybe, with 8 the night before. Limited interruptions or bad dreams. Still using Tylenol PM to help with that in the short term, but I'll ween myself off of it as soon as I can.

I didn't use the computer last 2 nights in a row.
I'm kinda shooting for not using it till the weekend but I might not make it.
Kicking her cold turkey might be the cause of the upswing, not sure.
I do feel I've resolved a majority of my issues- I understand what happened, I understand where I am, and I understand where I want to go.

I'd like to think she and I could be friends some day; I do suspect that she's too selfish & uncaring to be much of a good friend, but that (the way she's acted) could just be residuals (on her part) from the relationship going so sour.

Ultimately I think this is what I've wanted for a long time.


August 16th so far is going well, woke up early and hit the gym. Just did some elliptical. Later on I'll work up to adding weights as well. Just wanted to do something that would be easier on my upper back than jogging. The elliptical requires me to use my upper back but so far it doesn't hurt as much.

[Pork Chop]

read through this thread and it's obvious how lousy i was feeling and how much she was bringing me down. she was probably talking with that guy before she moved out here. Once she came here she was never even the same person she was when we were still in baltimore, and i'm not sure i would've been "question free" with the old version of her anyway.

Can't wait to meet somebody who brings joy to my life, makes me smile, and has an eye out for my best interests. Be nice to have someone who didn't leave me alone 3 nights a week, someone who likes to get out of the house, who doesn't spend all her time (cheating) on a video game that she won't share with me, and someone who will make me feel better when I'm not having a good day. "Doin the deed" every once in a while would be great too. hehe

I know I stayed so long so I wouldn't hurt her, as I promised to do in the beginning. I'm glad I kept my promise.

Here's to hoping that my mood swings are done and that I manage to find the right one out there for me soon. Wouldn't even mind finding a wrong one as long as she's fun. hehe