Write the Kung Fu obituary for the guy who posted above you

[Taryn P.]

Water Dragon has gone to sleep with the fishes at last, after accepting an Internet Death Match Challenge from Chuck Norris. WD's dying wish was that the KFM forum be informed that he DID INDEED get a clean judo throw on Chuck.... but was then fatally distracted when a couple of bystanders in the crowd started a conversation on political finance.

Chuck Norris is being sought for questioning, and was last seen fleeing north persued by one p!ssed-off-looking big bulldog.

[uki]

taryn p. was found suffocated in bed... medical examiners at the scene believe that while sleeping on her back, a banana fell out of her underarm plantations and landed in her mouth, thus cutting off her air supply as she slept dreaming about knocking the teeth out of men. there will be no funeral service - a hand written wallet-will(in the event of events such as this), her body is to be fed to a tiger.

[brothernumber9]

The world mourned today as they learned of the passing of precarious internet celebrity "SPJ", known to his homies on the screet as "Special Probation Jones".
Sources say SPJ died from a stroke after finally beating Mike Tyson on the "Punch Out" Nintendo game. Witnesses say just as he died, he muttered the words, "..this sh!t is bananas....B..A...N..A...N...A....Sssssssssss..... .".

SPJ first became famous for wearing a Burger King digital watch on his ankle and telling everyone he was on Lo-Jack. SPJ was also famous for owning the worlds largest collection of Phil Collins tapes, CD's, and 8 tracks, worth an estimated 800 billion dollars, that he is donating to the world wide "Save Light Rock" campaign.
A memorial service will be held at the basketball court this evening, participants are urged to bring a 40oz and pour a little out at the stroke 8.

[TenTigers]

Reuters: KFO's "Pepe LePew" washed up for good
Apparantly new Tide gets rid of more than just stains. During an enviornmental awareness Day celebration, three unidentified, shaved headed men, in HAZMAT gear, one carrying a bag of walnuts and a watermelon, the other possibly a psychotic who was just giggling and mumbling incoherant medical jargon and the third, oddly enough, wearing a plaid Catholic High School skirt, snatched one of America's living anomalies-Uki, the Human Pollution-thought to be an urban myth, and threw him into a washtub containing Laundry soap, and Lysol. Using long handled scrub brushes donated by the local brushless carwash, they scrubbed the man and his clothes until there was no sign of dirt, grime, fecal matter, fungus, lice, toe-jam,frumunda cheeze, skidmarks, or human grease to be found. However what was to be found...was NOT found.
It seemed that when all the human waste and filth had been washed away, there was nothing left.
Scientists are baffled, but are not going to continue any investigation as government fuding refuses to waste money on trivial matters such as the enviornment.

[TenTigers]

I need to type faster....

[lkfmdc]

THIS JUST IN regarding death of "RK", known on the street as "Ten Tigers". A suicide note was found! Unfortunately, as RK didn't type very quickly, the note is incomplete!

[MasterKiller]

In a shocking turn of events, MasterKiller is being held on suspicion of involvement in the brutal bludgeoning death of Taryn P. Her body was found last week by a curious mailman, who noticed she was not emptying her mailbox. He notified police, who broke into her house, only to find a grisly scene. She was found dead, strewn across her bed. The only visible injury was that her pelvis had been completely crushed, resulting in massive internal injuries. "The bone is pulverized," the county coroner said. "She must have been pounded upon for several hours with tremendous, god-like force."

[lkfmdc]

In a shocking turn of events, MasterKiller is being held on suspicion of involvement in the brutal bludgeoning death of Taryn P. Her body was found last week by a curious mailman, who noticed she was not emptying her mailbox. He notified police, who broke into her house, only to find a grisly scene. She was found dead, strewn across her bed. The only visible injury was that her pelvis had been completely crushed, resulting in massive internal injuries. "The bone is pulverized," the county coroner said. "She must have been pounded upon for several hours with tremendous, god-like force."

without pics, this thread is useless...

[TenTigers]

"She must have been pounded upon for several hours with tremendous, god-like force."

I have verifiable accounts and witnesses that although this does indeed seem to strongly suggest that I would be the suspect, I was nowhere near the scene of the crime.

[Taryn P.]

She was found dead, strewn across her bed. The only visible injury was that her pelvis had been completely crushed, resulting in massive internal injuries. "The bone is pulverized," the county coroner said. "She must have been pounded upon for several hours with tremendous, god-like force."

The autopsy report just came back from the state lab. The broken pelvis is of course not the cause of death. While this would certainly be enough to kill a normal person, Taryn P. is well known to routinely break a bone, snap it back into place, tape it, apply a little Tiger Balm, and return to class. The true cause of death: after that harrowing hours-long ordeal, she appears to have perished of boredom. DNA results on the semen are still pending.

[TenTigers]

well, that certainly proves it. Vindicated!

[David Jamieson]

ok, this thread went from zero to wtf in only a few posts.

tremendous

[SPJ]

The autopsy report just came back from the state lab. The broken pelvis is of course not the cause of death. While this would certainly be enough to kill a normal person, Taryn P. is well known to routinely break a bone, snap it back into place, tape it, apply a little Tiger Balm, and return to class. The true cause of death: after that harrowing hours-long ordeal, she appears to have perished of boredom. DNA results on the semen are still pending.

postmenopausal ladies high risk for osteoporosis and pelvic/hip fracture

maybe Ca or soy--

[KC Elbows]

THREAD DIES, IT PROFESSIONALS FORCED BACK TO WORK

It seemed like an ordinary Friday, with most of the IT staff loading up on an inordinate amount of the bagels meant for the sales team before eventually secluding themselves in their area. By the day's end, all would be touched by a tragedy.

"I remember thinking, what's Bob doing out of his cubicle?" Said one anonymous source. "I mean, it's not unusual for him to come out occasionally, get a can of mountain dew and some corn nuts from the vending machine, but he was asking about some code he was supposed to fix. On a Friday."

Other sources paint a similar picture of Bob, an IT worker who, according to sources, practices an ancient fighting art named Wang Chung.

[Photo of desk with family photo at center, photo being Bob photoshopped next to various characters from Final Fantasy]

Bob appears to be just one of many affected by the same tragedy: a dead thread.

"Well, the problem is, you've got a thread just meandering about, but it's far too soon for thread necromancy," says David Jamieson, Director of the Canadian Foundation for the Study of Wasting a Lot of Frikkin Time(CFSWLF). "So it just dies there. Where once there was a point, some goal or clever distraction, now, it's just not there anymore, it's the hot chick you slept with once only to discover that you were better in bed than she was."

That's not all, according to David.

"Well, here we're talking about a thread that dies on or close to a Friday. There's really no recovering from that. The forums are just too slow on a Friday to sustain any but the most vibrant of threads. It's natural selection, and it is random, so the reason why 'What is your favorite kick?' dies and 'What part of me is covered in flan?' Goes for three months is often unclear until years later, if at all."

"It's commonly known that thread mortality is highest on the weekday before a holiday, at which point even previously strong 'vs.' threads, like 'Who would win: Bruce Lee vs. Locusts' or 'Vanderlei Silva vs. Challenge: His right pec vs. His left pec' might perish forevermore. For the thread in question to go on an ordinary Friday, well, there's something going on there, the question is what?"

For an answer to that question, Ten Tigers from the forum related think-tank known as the Bored Group says one need look no further than the thread's beginning.

"What we have here is a thread started by a staff member. A staff member, for those unfamiliar with the term, is essentially a person combing the forum for the use of bad words and hidden Nazi messages in large unformated blocks of text left by near illiterates. Staff members simply do not have the time to think up and back a compelling thread; they are kept too busy doing online phrase searches so that their bosses do not get in trouble because Karl Stemmers of the Detroit School of Chinese Boxing thought "Hot Karl" would be a good handle."

What does this mean for Bob?

"Well," Says David Jamieson, "It's not to the point where he should get right to work. These spikes in productivity can be avoided; what the Bob's of the world need to do is diversify, play a flash game based around exploding bunnies, look at the discussion section of the scientology entry for Wikipedia, get a hummer from the cute girl in HR. Life can go on for posters, even when the thread is dead."

[SPJ]

a thread for death.

death is an honorable event, even though people do not celebrate it like a birth.

nobody really likes to read or write the orb.

death is a very private moment. only the love ones will feel the loss in greatness.

mourning and grieving sometimes are just unbearable.

then we gather enough strength and courage to pay a final respect in words or in person.

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and usually we only mention the good things about the person that just left us.

we are honoring the death.

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