A taste of freedom
with the BBC
As I grew older and became more rebellious, I began to bring more contraband into the monastery.
At the age of 16, I already had two computers, a punching bag and a guitar.
They made me feel like I was part of the outside world.
I remember sharing contraband with a close friend who was the reincarnation of someone else.
He had a tape of a Britney Spears concert and was practicing his dance moves.
We had no other reference points for dancing, so when we discovered Britney's video, we were completely blown away.
He lent me the video one week and when we met again, we compared who made better progress.
It was very funny, we had a lot of fun.
Around that time, I convinced the institution that I needed to get a Western education.
I told them, "I was born a Westerner, there must be a good reason for that." I assume that this is because lama Ješe wants to connect on a deeper level with Westerners and to understand Western philosophy and their way of life."
And that's why I started to negotiate with them to let me go to Spain for two months to study together with normal kids in high school in Spain and live with my own family.
I changed my name to Nikolas so that no one could find out who I am.
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The culture shock was huge.
At school, the first thing that shocked me was the lack of respect children had for adults.
In Tibetan culture, parents and teachers are sacred.
Our parents gave us our life, and our teachers gave us wisdom.
Even a piece of paper with text on it is sacred, because it conveys something to us that we can learn.
In a social sense, it also required a huge adjustment.
For the first three weeks, I was bullied at school every day. But I didn't mind.
Moreover, I was happy because I thought I was making other children laugh. I had no idea what bullying actually was.
I was just happy to make some kind of human connection.
But in the end the other children liked me because they understood that I was not pretending and that I was honest.
I was very pure in that sense, very innocent.
During those two months, I tried many things for the first time.
One of my first discoveries was a motorcycle.
For me it was simply pure freedom.
I could go wherever I wanted, all over the island, all by myself.
I kissed a girl for the first time, which was fantastic.
She was my friend, and when it happened, I was in heaven, just floating in the air for two weeks.
I was very happy.
Milestone
While spending time in Spain with my family I realized that my monastic education had turned me into a rather egotistical and narcissistic person.
My brothers and sisters did not want to hang out with me, and they all had a very strong emotional connection that they did not share with me.
That hit me very hard.
I realized that I had to find my true self and learn how to connect with others.
And that's why when I first came back from Ibiza, I decided that I wouldn't stay in the monastery forever.
I told myself, “As soon as I turn 18, no one will be able to stop me. I will be independent."
I asked to travel to Spain for my 18th birthday and they accepted.
As soon as I turned 18 and became a legal adult, I told them I wasn't coming back.
They were disappointed. For a year after that, I was getting a lot of letters pressuring me to come back.
It was quite difficult to deal with it, because I wanted people to be happy.
But part of this whole process was realizing that other people's happiness is not my responsibility.
And that's why I said to myself: my life is my life.
I have to live my own life and that is my right.
Radical change
After I left the monastery, it was a big shock.
I knew nothing about the world.
I've never seen a naked woman before.
And so on one of my first days in Ibiza, my mom thought it would be interesting if she took me to a nudist beach.
She left me there for half an hour.
I was in complete shock, I didn't know what to do.
I couldn't be naked, I came from a culture that was very exclusive in that respect.
I didn't know where to look, so I just stared at the ground.
When she picked me up again, I was very upset.
Then, later that evening, she took me to a club in Ibiza.
She paid for my entrance and let me in alone.
It was very noisy and I couldn't move because it was very crowded.
It was in 2003, and people were smoking inside. I couldn't, I couldn't breathe.
I took a sip of alcohol trying to be cool and almost died. It was like I was in hell.
When I finally got home, I told her to never take me to a nudist beach or club again.
But slowly I started to get used to the new way of life.
After a while, I started having more fun and ended up hooking up with rave organizers and started organizing trance raves in Ibiza.
I became a bit naughty, a "bad boy".
During this time, I was still in contact with the Buddhist community, but I tried to stay away from them because I wanted to find my own way.
I had to find my own personality, because I felt like I didn't have one.
I didn't know who I was.
I ended up going to study film in Canada and then I got a degree in filmmaking in Madrid.
For the next 10 years I had many adventures.
I traveled, I met many people, I did all kinds of crazy things.
I even lived on the street for a while.
I was very lucky because people were always good to me.
But I also put myself in some dangerous situations.
I fell in love and eventually became a father at the age of 32.
I loved being a father.
It was important to me to offer my son something different, something better than what I had.
To have a healthy relationship with him.
Fortunately, my son is a very happy, balanced boy.
For many years I did not believe that I was the reincarnation of Lama Yeshe.
I avoided reading his books or watching his teachings because I wanted to discover who I was.
But when I finally picked up his autobiography and started researching his life further, I was shocked to realize how much I identified with him.
After many years of doubt, today I truly believe that there is an unbroken spiritual connection between us.
Now I started teaching myself.
I give lectures in Dharma centers around the world and host in resorts.
But now it's on my terms, I know who I am based on my own effort and effort.
This article is based on an episode of the radio show "Autluk" of the BBC flower service.