this is my first post in this kungfumag forum...
this particular forum topic is fascinating. after reading several of the dream logs, i've decided to share this one that i've harbored for a long time now which also happened to have scared the living daylights out of me for several days after dreaming it last year. i wrote it out after waking up. it scared me so much that i was unable to sleep for about a month. i also thought i was going insane because after i read what i had written several hours later, i thought that i sounded like i was high on some kind of narcotic. i've had many dreams of similar content or of similar category (i just call them bizarre and most of my dreams that i remember make me think i'm going crazy).
i would appreciate any feedback because i often have dreams that are just saturated in symbolism and, usually, their "plots" are unbelievably fantastic...sometimes a bit too fantastic for my taste.
without further ado, my dream in its unexpurgated form in writing:
i had a dream. my eyes still close from grogginess. i don't think i am fully awake yet. i just thought that i should try to wake up a bit. i don't think i should go back to my room...by myself nor go to sleep soon. i had a nightmare. i dreamt that i had finished my manuscript but did not bear the title i had chosen for it. it was... debt witheld or some such thing. it jumps...stacks and stacks of these manuscpripts and bond paper that bore the title, such powerful title that a guy that i know, one of my peers at school who is filipino (that i feel has issues with his notions of identity) asked me where did i get such a title and commented that he read my piece and that it showed such great potential and all this in this blackened, deserted building, in all this debris and deserted blackened building. in that dream, i had lived in the third floor but sometimes, it shifted to the second floor that you had to climb up to in a spiral staicase that left a gap in the middle and you could see all levels. all doors in this burnt apartment had keys. there were only two or three levels. i was at the top. i had lost my key made of this strange material and it looked like a small switchblade and its purpose was to cut the lock and i had lost my key because i put it in my mouth and spat it out into the middle of the staircase after opening my door and i became afraid. i spat the key out. i looked down from where i was and saw all the debris down there. it gaped at me. it scared me. i went into my apartment and looked at my laptop computer that houses my manuscript and knew that this was the most important thing in the world and that it was the only copy. suddenly, i had my neigbors come in. i guess we shared the apartment since these girls were making themselves comfortable. some of them smoked and i remember fear enveloping me as i tried to keep calm and not worry about the manuscript in that laptop. i was smoking damp shrivelled up cigarettes that no one would take a puff from because they looked repulsive. i could not stop myself from smoking but my chest hurt from smoking. the pain made the fear go away and i needed it to keep calm and i knew all this. then i heard a commotion outside. i was the only one who seemed to hear it. i saw orange dust at first then peeked out through the window, staring into the night and saw a great smoke outside with people who seemed to be there and not there, running. upon closer look, i realized that it was in our building that this malign fire was burning. there was a force so great, so malign that it was burning and it was coming and its coming was inevitable and i knew all this in an instant and i was the only one to realize this. i screamed fire and the girls panicked and began running down to get out. i would not leave without my laptop thinking that this was the most important thing in the world. i took it, wires and all, and put it in a strange looking backpack even though the girls were telling me to leave it. i would not part with it. as we scrambled down the stairs, we all knew that it was more than just a fire, it was a force so malign that i grew afraid even though at this time, i knew that i was in a dream. this "fire" wanted to consume my laptop that housed my manuscript. there is something in the laptop that was too powerful that this adverse phantasm wanted it destroyed. i knew and i ran and i saw men eyeing my backpack and i knew that they wanted to steal it as if they knew what was within it. i clutched it tighter and ran into the night, clutched it tighter to the night and then clutched it til waking. i woke with my chest hurting and pounding and my legs felt stiff and hurt. (my chest still hurts a bit.) i felt as if there was something...malicious in my room. it had the whiff of malevolence that could slightly be felt but never palpably proven. i have been having these vivid dreams lately where i know that i am dreaming...and i know that it has something to do with my levels of consciousness. i feel as if i have broken some kind of barrier or that i am trying to move on but the move is so fast that i feel that i might die from it. i literally feel this way. there have been many things happening as i write and as i live these past weeeks that i feel that i could achieve enlightenment but it would mean the death of my body which i am not ready for. there is much to do. it seems crazy but i have been having these flashes lately, out of the blue. these flashes are, indeed, frightening. there is so much suffering in this world. i felt as if i saw and felt such great surging suffering and i had a brief glimpse of what it is meant to escape this suffering and it meant physical death of this body that i am not ready for. it can drive one mad. there is still something that binds me to this world and i felt, i felt my whole spirit denying this enlightenment because it would mean my death in a few days because this body will no longer be able to contain the light. this has happened in two instances already while i have been between being awake and being asleep and i feel that i am sometimes aware when i dream because i am in the third level of consciousness...
i am still groggy...but my eyes are more open.
i just realized what i have done here. i had to write out what i saw in that dream. it is an important one. for some reason, i feel that i am destined for something great because i would have left if i could but there is still some things left to be done. i feel as though i've denied myself that full awareness because that would strip me of what i need to accomplish what i need to do. i cannot be a perfect being for it. not yet...
at least, this is my interpretation of what has been going on.
as i engage myself even more deeply into my manuscript, i feel that i am getting closer to the truth and that truth will hurt perhaps for me but for many others as well.
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Cherry Praxis
