Hi ROT,
Each circumstance is unique but all will follow some sort of pattern. It is important to learn to recognize the patterns. This allows us to manipulate or guide the situation.
You are asking great questions unfortunately I don't have the time to answer them now, but i will try to make the time to respond in depth later today or tomorrow.
The path to feeling secure about ourselves takes time and a lot of explanation. i am not certain how indepth you are prepared to go, and perhaps either personal emails or another thread addressing that specifically would be more appropriate.