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Ming Yue
03-04-2005, 12:54 PM
What's red and yellow and looks good on hippies?















































Fire.

:cool:

Shaolinlueb
03-04-2005, 01:15 PM
hahahaha

i like that. i am actually gonna tell that in a drunken stupor tonight.

bung bo
03-04-2005, 01:19 PM
That is a good one, C-note. :p :cool:

David Jamieson
03-04-2005, 01:21 PM
What's brown and Black and looks good around the neck of a republican?
































































































































A doberman Pinscher. :D

take that ya hippy hater!

wait a minute...I don't like filthy hippies either!

hmmmn, conundrum.

Ming Yue
03-04-2005, 01:41 PM
ooo good one.

I'm a liberal, I'm just inundated with pseudo hippies in my town and would like to see them wrapped in flame.

:cool:

MasterKiller
03-04-2005, 01:42 PM
What has two thumbs and would look good on Ming Yue?

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-04-2005, 01:55 PM
you really should post a pic of yourself with the fonz kickin for added effect.

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-04-2005, 02:14 PM
a man gets a call in the middle of the night. its the hospital. his wife has been in a very serious car accident. they wont tell him anything more over the phone.

he races to the er, rushes in the doors, and screams at the receptionist that he was just called about his wife and demands to know what's going on immediately. she tells him that dr. smith has been working with her and he'd be out in 5 minutes. he has a seen in the waiting room.

a couple minutes later the dr. comes out and says, "as im sure you have heard your wife has been in a very serious car accident."

the man: "yes i know i know ... how bad is it ... how is she?"

dr. smith: "well she is stable. but during the accident her spine was severed in two places and we can not operate. she is paralyzed from the neck down"

the man: "oh my god"

dr smith: "before you go in and see her i did want to take a second and go over some of the new responsibilities you are going to have with her in this condition. there's not a whole lot we are able to do for her here so if you are considering some type of home nurse care you will want to try and arrange it this week."

the man begins crying at this point.

dr smith: "as i mentioned she is not able to move at all so you will want to make sure that she is turned every two hours to avoid bed sores."

the man begins sobbing.

dr smith: "she is also going to need fed and diapered. because she will have no control over any of the muscles down there everything given to her through the feeding tube will pretty much go right through her and she may need diapered upwards of 8 or 9 times a day."

the man begins crying so hard at this point he's shaking uncontrollably.

dr smith walks over to the man and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. he pats him a few times and as the man looks up at dr smith with tear stricken eyes and unfathomable grief dr smith says to him, "its ok. its ok man. i was just ****in with ya. she's dead."

Ming Yue
03-04-2005, 02:41 PM
What has two thumbs and would look good on Ming Yue?


your mom?


oh wait, she looks bad no matter who she's on.

:p




:D

PangQuan
03-04-2005, 02:44 PM
Rotflmfao!!!!!! @GDA

MonkeySlap Too
03-04-2005, 03:16 PM
Why is it always the liberals talking about 'hating' this group, or wanting to hurt, kill, and maim another?

David Jamieson
03-04-2005, 04:16 PM
I don't know why?

Is there a punch line?

:D

scotty1
03-04-2005, 04:35 PM
I live on a boat.

I drink organic milk.

I eat wholewheat rice.

I train tai chi.

Am I a hippy? Do you hate me? :D

David Jamieson
03-04-2005, 04:40 PM
I live on a boat.

I drink organic milk.

I eat wholewheat rice.

I train tai chi.

Am I a hippy? Do you hate me? :D

You live on a boat?

Isn't all milk by nature 'organic'

what the heck is "whole wheat" rice???

tai chi is definitely the hippy thing :D

I don't hate you, here have a cigarette. :D :D

scotty1
03-04-2005, 04:58 PM
Thanks

*lights up*

Yeah I live on a sailing yacht and practice my form on the jetty.

And all milk is not organic. It depends on what the cow's been given. What is termed 'organic' milk in the UK is much better for you, apparently.

And whole wheat rice is just that, whole wheat. It's like bread, white, or wholemeal.

God ****, I'm a bit drunk that took ages to write. :)

MasterKiller
03-04-2005, 07:12 PM
your mom?


oh wait, she looks bad no matter who she's on.

:p

:DThat's probably because she's been dead for a while.

norther practitioner
03-04-2005, 08:08 PM
Am I a hippy? Do you hate me?

yes, yes I do...

:o

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-04-2005, 08:42 PM
That's probably because she's been dead for a while.

BURNED!!!!

Mr Punch
03-04-2005, 10:31 PM
And whole wheat rice is just that, whole wheat. It's like bread, white, or wholemeal.

God ****, I'm a bit drunk that took ages to write. :)Yep, you are drunk! :p What you would be talking about is whole rice!

Hippy!!!


Isn't all milk by nature 'organic'Facetious boy. Are you suggesting you are not familiar with the term organic, often used in the English language?

GDA, that joke is disgusting. :mad: I'm definitely gonna use that. :D

David Jamieson
03-04-2005, 10:51 PM
milk comes out of a cows teats, ergo it is organic and not the opposite which would be, either silicon based, synthetic, mineral or what not.

Organic is just a marketing talking point. If it's grown, vegetable, or animal by product, it's "organic".

teh other thing was that "wheat" is not "rice" so you can't have whole wheat rice.

rice is a cereal grass, wheat is, well wheat!

man, even hippies have better educations and would know these things.

I am starting to think taht people on this forum are actually eating lead raw. LOL

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-04-2005, 11:03 PM
kung lek ...
I am starting to think taht people on this forum are actually eating lead raw.

why is that bad?

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-04-2005, 11:12 PM
Three expectant fathers, a white guy, a black guy, and a Frenchman, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up."

The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The white guy goes right to the black baby, picks him up and starts rocking him.

"What are you doing?" the black guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the white guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the French kid."

scotty1
03-05-2005, 02:44 AM
"whole rice!"

Oh yeah. Kung Lek you're just being difficult :)

Mr Punch
03-05-2005, 04:26 AM
Organic is just a marketing talking point.Wrong, wrong, wrong! (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=organic)
Sometimes you just have to admit that even your language is evolving.
Keep eating the pesticides! (http://www.iatp.org/edrc/hormonedisrupters082599.htm)
Oh wait, you already have:
the health impacts include smaller *****es and/or testicle size, undescended testicles, lower sperm count, reproductive abnormalities, thyroid dysfunction, feminization of males
teh other thing was that "wheat" is not "rice" so you can't have whole wheat rice.
...I am starting to think taht people on this forum are actually eating lead raw. LOLOne Canadian certainly is...
What you would be talking about is whole rice!

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-05-2005, 10:28 PM
a teenage mother was forced to give up a set of twins for adoption as she was not able to care for them. unfortunately they were split up. one went to live with a family in suadia arabia and became known as amal. the other went to live with a family in mexico and was named jaun.

both twins were allowed contact with their birth mother and they wrote eachother often. many many years later she asked both of them to send pictures of themselves. a few weeks later she received only one picture from jaun.

she expressed her disapointment at only receiving a picture of one of them to her husband who said, "honey they're twins. if you've seen jaun you've seen amal."

mickey
03-06-2005, 12:30 AM
Greetings,

What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?






Most of the time you get a onion with very long ears;






but, sometimes, you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

(A Friar's Club Joke)

mickey
03-06-2005, 12:42 AM
People,

I am getting so old that last week I forgot what the "f" word meant.


I looked it up in the dictionary and I didn't understand the definition.


I went to a thesaurus and found the words "screw," "hump," "mash," "pump,"etc. Still didn't ring a bell.



I got so frustrated that I screamed out "God, I don't know jack ......"


You know what? As soon as I said "jack" I got wood.




A mickey original.

Ming Yue
03-06-2005, 04:46 PM
I got owned.

Vash
03-06-2005, 07:17 PM
People,

I am getting so old that last week I forgot what the "f" word meant.


I looked it up in the dictionary and I didn't understand the definition.


I went to a thesaurus and found the words "screw," "hump," "mash," "pump,"etc. Still didn't ring a bell.



I got so frustrated that I screamed out "God, I don't know jack ......"


You know what? As soon as I said "jack" I got wood.




A mickey original.


Bull****. That's Dangerfield material.

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-06-2005, 08:24 PM
i think saying its a mikey original might have been part of the impersonation ... not him actually trying to steal dangerfields joke.

but then again i dont know ****.

rogue
03-06-2005, 08:32 PM
Why is it always the liberals talking about 'hating' this group, or wanting to hurt, kill, and maim another?

You would too if you had to listen to liberal broads whine and b1tch all day.

Ming Yue
03-07-2005, 04:19 AM
mmk it was a joke, see.

mickey
03-07-2005, 05:12 AM
Dangerfield material?

No. I thought that one up on my own. I can understand how you may think it so by the rhythms. I wouldn't rip off his materials in life nor after his passing. He had great timing. I did not notice the rhythm until you mentioned him. That kind of timing was not unique to Dangerfield. He simply championed it and made it all his own.

My gosh, I am under attack by Vash.


What did I do to deserve this?


Wait a minute-- WHO did I DO to deserve this?

(Another Dangerfield rhythm)

Notice that I did not claim the Friar's club joke as my own. I think Milton Berle told that one. I believe in giving credit to where credit is due,



mickey

PS: If Dangerfield told the exact same joke, that is freakin' weird. I am getting chills by the thought of that.

Vash
03-07-2005, 05:27 AM
He did indeed.

I'm almost sure of it.

Vash
03-07-2005, 05:29 AM
mmk it was a joke, see.

I don't know why, but I could hear MY saying this ins a 20's teamster voice.

"Mmk, it was a joke, see? Make you sleep wit da fishes, see?"

mickey
03-07-2005, 05:30 AM
Hi Vash,

Please give me a source. I never heard the joke before.

mickey

Vash
03-07-2005, 05:34 AM
I want to say I heard it when he Roasted someone, or at some comedy central show where he was honored.

Ming Yue
03-07-2005, 11:33 AM
I don't know why, but I could hear MY saying this ins a 20's teamster voice.

"Mmk, it was a joke, see? Make you sleep wit da fishes, see?"



you nailed it. :D That's exactly what I was doing when I typed it.

ewallace
03-07-2005, 11:40 AM
What's brown and Black and looks good around the neck of a republican?

A doberman Pinscher. :D

Crap. Now, I don't really consider myself a republican or a democrat, but I usally vote republican. Maybe that explains why my dobe has been a stubborn fiesty s.o.b. lately.

mickey
03-07-2005, 02:31 PM
Hey Vash,

I do not have cable so it is not possible for me to have seen it. So this is a pretty weird coincidence, especially if the joke is word for word. The term "mash" is pretty recent. Nevertheless, it is pretty cool if I channeled something from Rodney.

Guess what y'all? I channeled Rodney! Ah AH channeled ROD-NEEE!!!


mickey

diego
03-07-2005, 04:14 PM
just found this on another board:
3 vampires walk into a bar

first vampire walks in, orders a pint of blood

the second walks in and does the same

the third walks in and asks for a glass of boiling hot water

the other two vampires ask him whatsup with the hot water?

so he chucks a tampon in and says "i like tea"

David Jamieson
03-08-2005, 07:04 AM
Tell this one like it really happened to you, cause it's more funny that way.


"The other day I was patching up some rust on my wheel wells of the car and I was overcome with the fumes from the compound and passed out!

As I lay unconcious on the floor I could feel myself floating upwards and when I looked down I could see myself lying there!

It was then, that I knew I was having my first autobody experience!"


Tell this one while you are reading a newspaper and someone is in earshot, because....it's more funny that way

"Oh, says here in the paper they had the new candidates for the next pope down to two Cardinals and one of them is Italian! A Cardinal Sicola (the italian) and Cardinal Timmins (an american). Apparently they chose the American because they felt that -Pope Sicola- sounded too weird"


Har dee har har mo fos! :D

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-08-2005, 04:23 PM
that was worse than my seen juan seen amal joke.

good job.

mickey
03-09-2005, 09:04 AM
In the year 3000,



Geronimo Dill, a master practitioner in the eclectic traditions of Bruce Lee, will publish his magnum opus....





"The Tao of Dill Do"




a mickey original

ewallace
03-09-2005, 09:24 AM
Kind of a side joke...well not really a joke because it really happened but was funny and ironic.

Right when the Iraq war started, there was a debate at a local college with the liberals and conservatives, with the liberals saying what is wrong with war and violence. The debate between two men from each side of the table got pretty heated, and the liberal guy ended up punching the conservative guy out.

mickey
03-09-2005, 12:38 PM
Homage to Rodney Dangerfield....



So I was sparring Richard Gere and he was moving kinda slow.




His master told me don't do anything to offend him.




I made the mistake of yawning while blocking one of his atacks.




He got angry and turned around.




And suddenly, I was hit by amazing combinations of mice, gerbils, and squirrels.



Another mickey original

Ming Yue
03-09-2005, 08:23 PM
mickey,

you should probably just keep the "originals" to yourself, you know... because you don't want to waste them all... on us... here on the forum... where we have to read them.

just sayin'.




:D

David Jamieson
03-09-2005, 10:03 PM
Richard Gere is a gerbiler?

better not tell Royal Dragon that, he still is overwhelmed with diaper/baby fetishists.

Man, his head will explode, and don't even touch felching, instant heart attack! :D

mickey
03-10-2005, 05:07 AM
Hi Ming Yue,

I am waiting for Vash to accuse me of stealing that one, too.:)


The second homage to Rodney involved R.Kelly and his cousin. I decided not to do that one, again.

mickey

David Jamieson
03-10-2005, 05:24 AM
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or
desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think
it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

And, last but not least:

26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

GunnedDownAtrocity
03-10-2005, 10:37 AM
ha ... that has to be the first list i havent already seen a hundred times in years.

i like it.

mickey
03-11-2005, 04:27 AM
What do you call a dog with three legs?










































A three legged dog. (Whatza matter with you guys?!!)



mickey

Mo Lung
03-11-2005, 11:11 PM
mickey,

you should probably just keep the "originals" to yourself, you know... because you don't want to waste them all... on us... here on the forum... where we have to read them.

just sayin'.


:D
Funniest post on this thread so far!

;)

YuanZhideDiZhen
06-04-2005, 03:04 AM
Okay, i'm posting this here because it's kinda kookie.

i went to a franchised hardware store that sells very inexpensive tools. after blowing more than i had planned i walked up the strip to try a new oriental place i had seen last time i was buying cheap tools. i just stepped up to the curb when one of the TigerClaw girls opened the door to the restaurant and ducked inside. i went in and looked at the menu. there was an older couple at a table in the back and they were grinning like the bait just dragged in the next suitor. the food was thai, which i don't much care for, and they were a bit too happy to see me. so i left.

on the way home i was thinking about the use of the store space. that little thai noodle shop is in the same building as the hardware store but only takes up 1/4 to 1/3 of the deapth of the building along with four other stores: a shipping store; a nail boutique; a hair care place; and something else. i began wondering what kind of sweat shops they have in the back. (fair model, martial arts background, food and hardware nearby, female amenities....)

did i just stumble into someone's hometown?

YuanZhideDiZhen
06-04-2005, 03:10 AM
Homage to Rodney Dangerfield....

So I was sparring Richard Gere and he was moving kinda slow.
His master told me don't do anything to offend him.
I made the mistake of yawning while blocking one of his atacks.
He got angry and turned around.
And suddenly, I was hit by amazing combinations of mice, gerbils, and squirrels.

Another mickey original

lol&rofl/bg. that's good. your best one yet.
he didn't get the kids to pet those did he?

mickey
06-04-2005, 01:24 PM
Hi YuanZhiDeDiZhen,

So that joke is still packing a punch. I don't think you could pay any child enough to touch those animals.

I just figured out how to pronounce your name. Cool.

mickey

YuanZhideDiZhen
06-14-2005, 10:11 PM
Hi YuanZhiDeDiZhen,

So that joke is still packing a punch. I don't think you could pay any child enough to touch those animals.

I just figured out how to pronounce your name. Cool.

mickey

yuan zhide di zhen.

yaun zhi de di zhen means something else entirely. more like a cliff hanger.

Ming Yue
07-01-2005, 06:22 AM
A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that George Bush is a rich, good-for-nothing illiterate drunk."

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Chang Style Novice
07-01-2005, 08:24 AM
Wrestlers are so macho. I wish I was a wrestler. (http://kuci.org/~nraggett/wrestlingfun.JPG)

YuanZhideDiZhen
07-01-2005, 10:06 AM
People,
I am getting so old that last week I forgot what the "f" word meant.
I looked it up in the dictionary and I didn't understand the definition.
I went to a thesaurus and found the words "screw," "hump," "mash," "pump,"etc. Still didn't ring a bell.
I got so frustrated that I screamed out "God, I don't know jack ......"
You know what? As soon as I said "jack" I got wood.
A mickey original.

that's kinda wacko, jacko...um...mickey. :D

mickey
07-04-2005, 02:08 PM
Not True!! Not True!!!

No children were involved.


People are starting to dig my jokes. Maybe I should follow Sifu Ross' idea and write a book.

mickey

YuanZhideDiZhen
07-05-2005, 03:34 PM
Not True!! Not True!!!

No children were involved.


People are starting to dig my jokes. Maybe I should follow Sifu Ross' idea and write a book.

mickey

don't mistake me, the singular deep fried qi, for a 'people'. although, my seven kids might follow my example and have big families, too. in three generations we could be a town. is that enough for a people? YOU could be our travelling newsman and entertainer :)

ewallace
07-06-2005, 12:00 PM
I know it's Wednesday, but sometimes we need some laughs in the middle of the week.

A man had been stranded on an Island for 10 years. One day he is laying on the beach and sees a yellow spec in the water. The spec comes closer and closer and eventually the man realizes what seemed to be a spec turns out to be a beautiful blonde in a wetsuit. As she walks ashore she says to the man, "wow, how long have you been out here?" the man replies "for 10 years". The woman then says, "so how long has it been since you had a drink?" The man replies "10 years". The women zips down the left side of her wet suit and pulls out a flask of whiskey and hands it to the man. He slams the whiskey in delight and thanks the woman. Then the woman asks "How long has it been since you had a smoke?" Starting to get frustrated, the man grumbles "10 years lady'. The lady then unzips the right side of her wetsuit and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and hands one to the man and lights him up. He inhales with delight. Then, as seductively as possible, the woman starts to slowly unzip her wetsuit from the neck down and says, "so how long has it been since you played a round?" The man replies "lady, if you have a set of golf clubs in your wetsuit I'm going to **** all over myself.




Not sure where I got that from but it ain't an original. :)

Ming Yue
01-06-2006, 11:39 AM
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I can tell you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers each have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."













badum chhh.
:)

Ming Yue
01-06-2006, 12:01 PM
Genius.
there's even a judo hobo cameo.




http://media.putfile.com/ultimateshowdown#start

GreenCloudCLF
02-11-2006, 07:44 AM
I know it's Saturday...but...

How to you keep a moron busy?
(scroll down for answer)










































































































How do you keep a moron busy?
(Scroll up for answer.)

Jules
02-11-2006, 02:34 PM
I hate to admit this, but my favorite joke goes like this:

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?



















Fish.

:D

~~J

quiet man
02-13-2006, 06:17 AM
(I apologize for the poor translation)

A female journalist is interviewing a 100 year-old man:
"You are the oldest living man in this village, surely you have so many stories to tell. What's your fondest memory?"
"Well, I remember this one time when my prettiest sheep got lost, we all went looking for it, and when we found it, we were so happy we all **** her."
The journalist interrupts him: "No, no, I didn't mean it like that, I meant something... spiritual."
"Well, I remember when my prettiest cow got lost, and..."
The journalist sighs and tries one more time: "Forget it. Can you tell me your saddest memory then?"
And the old man replies with a sad look on his face:
"There was this one time when I got lost..."

GreenCloudCLF
02-25-2006, 06:49 AM
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or
> any sex for over 5 years.
>
> She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she Decided
> to
> seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist,
> Dr.Chang.
>
> Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
> your
> crose." The woman did as she was told.
>
> Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room! "
>
> Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
>
> Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
>
> As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
> You
> haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex
> or
> dates."
>
> The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary
> Disease?"
>
> Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your
> face
> look Ed Zachary like your ass.

BM2
02-25-2006, 02:19 PM
[QUOTE=David Jamieson]Tell this one like it really happened to you, cause it's more funny that way.


Tell this one while you are reading a newspaper and someone is in earshot, because....it's more funny that way



I certainly hope so as I feel I just lost some I.Q. points reading them which I can ill afford to lose.:(

Ou Ji
02-26-2006, 10:40 AM
A 75 year old man went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The
Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a
semen sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well,
doc, it's like this. .. First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried
too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour!!??"

The old man replied:
























"Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, with our
arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

mickey
03-10-2006, 02:34 PM
The 2006 Winter Olympics:


























































Did it Kill Bruce Lee?



Another mickey original.

Becca
04-10-2006, 02:50 PM
The blond is wandering around Wal-Mart when she spies something tall and shiney. She askes the clerk, "what is that thing?"

"It's a themos."
"What is it for, " the blond askes.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow! I have got to get that!"

So she buys it, and takes it to wirk the next day. Her boss sees it on her desk and askes her, "What's that you've got?"

"It's mt new thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold! But I don't like it much," she replies.

"Why not," he askes.

"Well, I had two pop sickles and some coffee in it, but someone at the pop sickles and left the sticks floating in the coffee, and now it tastes weird."

Jingwu Man
04-11-2006, 06:36 AM
A man was walking down the street when he saw a diner and a sign in the window saying:

Cheese sandwich 1.50
Ham sandwich 2.50
Handjob 10.00

so the man walks in and takes a seat at the counter. A gorgeous red headed woman walks up, smiling provocatively, and says " What'll it be, handsome?"
The man smiles back, then says in an alluring voice " say, are you the one that gives the handjobs?" The girl chuckles, than purrs back "yes, I sure am"
The man nods, then says " Well, then wash your f***ing hands and make me a cheese sandwich"

mickey
08-25-2006, 03:41 PM
Greetings,


An old monk and his top student were discussing levels of accomplishment when it came to the spiritual practices in the martial way......


Student: Master, I have not made much progress in the past five years. What am I doing wrong?


Monk: My dear student, you consistently fail to see the internconnectedness between the knowledge of the absolute and the knowledge of the apparent. When you merge the two the truth emerges.


Student: Master, I do not understand.


Master: Listen, dear student. I will help you.. (Pauses) What has six legs, is hairy and has very bad gambling and loan shark debts.


(The student thought for a good while)

Student: Master, I do not know.

Master: Try


(After trying again)


Student: Master, I tried my best. I do not know.


Master: Ahhh!! A Tarantula!!!


Student: But Master.....tarantulas have eight legs.


(The master got up and walked over to his student and slapped him across his face and said..)



Master: I TOLD YOU!!!! He has VERY BAD gambling and loan shark debts!!!!




A mickey original

FuXnDajenariht
08-25-2006, 03:44 PM
lmao....whaaaat?

thats very zen indeed.


good old mickey ressurrecting the fri. joke thread. i almost forgot about this. :D

Becca
02-08-2007, 07:26 AM
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY.

DAY 180
0800am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
0930am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
0940am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
1030am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
1200pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1300pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1600pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1700pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
1730pm - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction of ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today I attempted to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking and almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust these vile oppressors, I made myself vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 766
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed about what a good cat I was. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time it included a burning chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was a gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could smell the foul odor what they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his confinement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

FuXnDajenariht
02-08-2007, 10:19 AM
lmao by far the best one so far. :D

im still on the fence about whether i like cats or gods better though.

David Jamieson
02-08-2007, 03:58 PM
lmao by far the best one so far. :D

im still on the fence about whether i like cats or gods better though.

you might wanna pick "gods" in those categories. What with all the wrath and floods and such. :D

FuXnDajenariht
02-09-2007, 07:26 PM
lmao oopsies. yea. well if i really had ta choose between those 2 it'd prolly be cats. :p

dont tell my grandmother.

Shaolin Wookie
02-10-2007, 07:57 AM
This joke can flop...but its sure to get a laugh if it works.

Alright...a kid is out catching bugs, and he catches three flies, two females and a male. The kid takes them home and sets them on the shelf. The female flies get bored and hungry, and start looking for a way out. the male fly just chills out, all calm. So the first female goes to the male fly: "How could you be so calm?!! We're gonna die in here!!" The dude replies: "No we won't. I know the way out."

The first female asks: "Okay, hotshot, how do we get out?"
He says: "Suck my ****, and I'll tell you."
She doesn't see any way around it, so she goes down on him.
When she's finished he says: "Alright, what you have to do is fly around this jar three times and then fly straight up."
Well, she flies around three times, flies straight up, hits the lid, kills herself, and then falls to the bottom of the jar.

The second female sees this and asks: "What was she doing? Why did she kill herself."
The male says: "I told her how to get out of hte jar....but she didn't follow my directions correctly."
The second female is interested and excited. She asks:" You know how to get out of this prison? Pleeease tell me how!!!"
He says: "Suck my **** and I'll tell you."
She agrees and does the deed.
When they're finished he says: "Alright, what you have to do is fly around this jar three times and then fly straight up."
Well, she flies around three times, flies straight up, hits the lid, kills herself, and then falls to the bottom of the jar.

Well, since both the females were dead and they both sucked his ****, the male fly is content, flies around the jar three times, flies straight up and exits the jar, just like he said he would.

Shaolin Wookie
02-10-2007, 07:58 AM
Now, you have to wait for someone to get confused as to why this is funny, and how the male fly got out of the jar....but you have to pretend that you've told the entire joke, and start chuckling.

Shaolin Wookie
02-10-2007, 07:58 AM
After a minute, the person should be like: "Wait, so how did the male fly get out of the jar?"

Shaolin Wookie
02-10-2007, 07:59 AM
To which you reply: "Suck my **** and I'll tell you."

laugarkuen
02-10-2007, 01:02 PM
lmao

Two fish in a tank

one says to the other






















how do you drive this thing?

Becca
07-16-2009, 06:22 AM
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...and those who don't…
As Ben Franklin said:
”In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.”

In a number of carefully controlled trials…
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each
day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when
Drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whisky or other liquor),
because alcohol has to go through a purification
Process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

uki
07-16-2009, 09:08 AM
what do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopus?

































i dunno, but you should see that thing pick strawberries! :D

... no mexicans were offended with this joke as i heard a mexican tell it...

Becca
07-17-2009, 10:59 AM
A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development. She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, You're perfectly healthy--there' s no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that "Harley" guy in the waiting room?

The woman stammers, Why, Yes, but how did you know?

Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.

uki
07-17-2009, 11:13 AM
lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lucas
07-17-2009, 11:28 AM
lol ya thats a good one