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Thread: Everything you didn't want to know about Chuck Norris and probably never asked.

  1. #1
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    Everything you didn't want to know about Chuck Norris and probably never asked.

    I stole this off of jaiyo.com where it was posted by the admin but who wouldnt want to share this. i laughed my ass off.

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

    Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

    A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

    Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

    Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

    Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

    One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

    Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

    Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

    Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead.
    Quote Originally Posted by Psycho Mantis View Post
    Genes too busy rocking the gang and scarfing down bags of cheetos while beating it to nacho ninjettes and laughing at the ridiculous posts on the kfforum. In a horse stance of course.

  2. #2
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    16 things you didnt know about chuck norris

    Sixteen Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris!
    Body: Sixteen Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris!

    1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad He has never cried.

    2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, His family does not die from
    cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
    requires no wagon, since He carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
    on
    His back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

    3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
    decided to punch His way out of His mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
    He
    grew a beard.

    4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell His urine as a canned
    beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

    5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
    JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with His
    beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    6. Chuck Norris sold His soul to the Devil in exchange for rugged good
    looks
    and
    unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
    finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took His
    soul back. Satan, impressed, couldn't stay mad and
    admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
    second
    Wednesday of the month.

    7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
    Norris--more than meets the eye... Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
    and
    starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the Earth from
    drug-dealing Decepticons and who could turn into a pick-up truck. This
    was
    far too
    much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

    8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift
    of "beard", which Jesus wore proudly to his dying day. The other Wise
    Men,
    jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
    influence
    to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died
    roundhouse kick-related deaths.

    9. A man once asked Chuck Norris if His real name is "Charles". Chuck
    Norris did not respond; He simply stared at the man until he exploded.

    10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    11. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and He will sure as hell take
    yours.
    If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
    virginity," then you are dead wrong.

    12. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips
    from "Walker: Texas Ranger". He is now working on a way to make it
    show
    clips of Himself having sex with Conan O'Brien's wife.

    13. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

    14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law" and "Order" are
    trademarked names for His left and right legs.

    15. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb
    on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
    reasoning? It was more "humane".

    16. If you can see Chuck Norris, He can see you. If you can't see Chuck
    Norris, you may be seconds away from death.


    ..... from this dudes myspace thing: http://www.myspace.com/primordialpurity
    where's my beer?

  3. #3
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    Man, he's better than Sensei Andy, Judy Grandmaster!

    Okay, if Sensei Andy, Judo Grandmaster and Chuck Norris fought who would win and why?












    Help me, I'm being pulled into the wasteland!
    What happens in Gong Sao stays in Gong Sao.

    "And then my Qi exploded, all over the bathroom" - name witheld

  4. #4
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    thats awsome, funny as hell
    A BJJ player and notorious pimp, Da Big Deezy, in the Crenshaw district tried to "raise up" and "slap a ho" ..... I impaled him with my retractible naginata. I wish there were more groundfighters in the world. They make my arsenal that much more deadly. - john takeshi

    LIKE FROG IN WELL LOOKING UP AT SKY,THINKING SEE ALL WORLD. - truthman

  5. #5
    what happen Chuck Norris kick your ass

  6. #6
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    Okay, if Sensei Andy, Judo Grandmaster and Chuck Norris fought who would win and why?


    Reply]
    Chuck would win by KO with a "Spin reverse Kick" to the head 8 seconds into the first round.

    Why? Becasue he's Chuck of course!
    Those that are the most sucessful are also the biggest failures. The difference between them and the rest of the failures is they keep getting up over and over again, until they finally succeed.


    For the Women:

    + = & a

  7. #7
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    There's one of those lists for Vin Diesel, too. It's hilarious.
    "If you like metal you're my friend" -- Manowar

    "I am the cosmic storms, I am the tiny worms" -- Dimmu Borgir

    <BombScare> i beat the internet
    <BombScare> the end guy is hard.

  8. #8
    for those that are interested as i was when hearing about the Vin version...

    Vin Diesel was taught to play the spoons by a reclusive and grizzled Chevy Chase.

    Vin Diesel can not distinguish between babies and bagels.

    In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

    Vin Diesel is shadowed by an team of North Korean scientists who religiously collected every hair, skin flake, and speck of matter that dislodges itself from his body.

    Green kryptonite makes Vin Diesel sick, red kryptonite makes him turn evil, and blue kryptonite makes him insatiably hungry for PEZ.

    Vin Diesel is unable to speak. He simply moves his mouth and telepathy does the rest.

    Vin Diesel was constructed out of seventeen cordless electrical drills, fourteen miles of silver duct tape and a dead rabbit.

    One day Vin Diesel walked into a Wal-Mart Supercenter. His steps caused there to be an avalanche of falling prices burying numerous store employees.

    Vin Diesel is the only human being to have gone through the heat pasturization process.

    Vin Diesel records alternate audio-commentaries for every DVD he watches; they will all be released to the public on The Day of Reckoning

    Vin Diesel can be linked to Kevin Bacon in 0 degrees, despite not being Kevin Bacon.

    Vin Diesel routinely sends nail bombs to the head of the Food and Drug Administration. No one is sure why.

    Not only can Vin Diesel comprehend the concept of infinity, he can write it as a multiple of pi.

  9. #9
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    I saw two that said something like:

    Vin Diesel is one of 7 people legally allowed to divide by zero.

    and

    When Vin Diesel jumps in a body of water he does not get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

    rofl!
    "If you like metal you're my friend" -- Manowar

    "I am the cosmic storms, I am the tiny worms" -- Dimmu Borgir

    <BombScare> i beat the internet
    <BombScare> the end guy is hard.

  10. #10
    hahaha last one you said has to be the winner!

  11. #11
    Chuck has nothing on Bruce:
    http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Bruce_Lee

    And for a slightly more extensive version of the list posted above:
    http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris

  12. #12
    MacGyver actually built the suit that Darth Vader wears. The suit is made from toilet paper, a glass bottle and shavings from Chuck Norris' beard.

  13. #13
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    i didnt think chuck trimmed his beard.

    i thought he just willed it to stay manly.
    where's my beer?

  14. #14
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    .... chuck squeezes live cows into beef jerky before killing bulls in a single punch.

    mmmm .... beef jerkey.
    where's my beer?

  15. #15
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    17th thing
    He is GAY!!!!!!!!
    Bless you

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